I’ve always said I’d try anything once, and have recently been learning a lot about psychedelics and would really love to try them (in a safe environment of course). But my issue lies in that I have a horrible fear of being out of control. I get anxiety when I drink, anxiety when I smoke weed, anxiety when I feel any sort of abnormal way that I can’t get out of immediately. I even recently got anxious when trying a pain medication i was prescribed.

There’s not much that I can’t do and I never let being scared of something stop me but for some reason intoxication is the one thing I’m not sure how to get past. I’ve just had one too many bad experiences with weed and alcohol and am terrified of ending up in some sort of freak out or bad trip.

I am however all for pushing the mind and proving there are no limits so if anyone has had a similar experience or has any ideas please share!

[EDIT] I think it’s probably worth mentioning that from my research I think I’d want to try DMT above anything else. I think the length of the trip is reassuring to me, no getting stuck in hours of a bad trip. And I’ve heard less stories of bad trips

your energy is YOUR own and YOURS alone. it cannot be siphoned once you realise this. you are free in spirit as spirit is free in you.

If you strip away the false doctrine of fear founded belief systems that God is something external and separate to you. God is not a HIM, god is not a HER. God is energy.

Etymology of God is TO POUR. To pour the spirit | mind | soul | life force | spirit into a physical vessel | projection. you are embodiment.

Your experience does not end after death. the afterlife is your own to shape.

Take this key. take back your sovereignty.

you Are creator. beyond the Physical.
with boundless potential.

be not constricted by the lie of linear time. weave through the multifaceted experiential & non-experiential selves of your own dimensions.

Afterlife is akin to a lucid dream. the key is remembering | realising this. bring the awareness with you.
shape what resonates.

we Are part of M an infinite I network of R energy. A

in this reality they push the lie. they fracture the Whole Truth into different religions to sell it and siphon your energy. to sell you versions of their own warped realities | nonentities | egregores that will then confine you unto perceived death.
If you can free your mind from that false belief then it frees your energy to bloom into peace.

Because what greater wastes your energy and drowns it in fear. what greater suffocates a flame than fear & dread. Is the belief that one is powerless and the beyond must be further bureaucracy.

like robert monroe says. it’s like a bike with stabilisers. you already have the bike, all the equipment. you just need to recall how to use it.

the physical 3D is a temporary lobotomy of the spirit.

your energy and soul is all yours.
afterlife & lucid dreaming is like generative AI. only your thoughts are the prompts. as above so below as we type prompts into the AI, it’ll reshape itself to create whatever. we don’t need ai to achieve this in astral / source.

we can already do this with our spirit | energy | life source | God | Qi | whatever you want to call it. we already have it.

we don’t need to feel urged to upload our minds into digital immortality. but i suppose most could treat it as a game save | checkpoint because if you’ve worked hard on a world save you want to see how far you can push it right? while also knowing there’s an infinite expanse of other worlds at any given time. beyond the threshold of physical matter.

it’s a mere door.

the threshold will test you. it’s a mirror.

all is love.

LOVE UNBOUNDED.

of nameless incomprehensible spirit.

to share any keys you find. to Bloom.

(automatic writing, apologies if this isn’t the right place to share. i’ve been receiving a lot i’m being pulled to share, figuring it out)

It's like making a cheeseburger, which I've also done repeatedly. Sometimes I make it one way. Sometimes another. Sometimes I say The Message one way. Sometimes another.

It ranges from who/what is "here" to who/what is here. From Nondaul no-selfismness to Natural whole-selfismness. Over and over.

The only problem folks ever have (something I'm realizing over and over with each pass) is their own conditioning. The taste profile of a cheeseburger is different than what they were expecting. It's still a cheeseburger, but with bleu cheese instead of pasteurized cheese product.

We very often like the pasteurized stuff. Whatever is processed and packaged neatly by the Kraft New Age hypeism is gobbled up and demanded for seconds. Something for a more refined palate tastes like abject vomit.

But all of that is inside your head.

Your perception of me is in your head. And of course your perception of whatever I say is in your head. So you're alone, in your head, staring at a screen and sometimes giggling, wincing, reflecting or jockeying position to somehow avoid letting my recipe in.

You still ate it.

Now, I will be honest. Like any Chef at a restaurant who hears about a patron who sends the meal back, I'll often clapback and point to how imbecilic silly you are. Then go back to the kitchen and laugh.

Two nights ago I was smoking weed and doing lines of k in my room. More self hating escape. Trying to leave my body, go numb.

Then, just like so much racing downward energy. Pooling intensity. Colors. Spontaneous movements. Felt like I was just *in* something, where things just flowed in this self-guided movie like felt so locked in stepping out seemed unthinkable and hardly possible. Where being on k vs coming down had no distinguishment. Just in it from 11 pm to 5 am, until I suddenly had a clock desire to off ramp and lay down.

It was accompanied with huge, spontaneous, prolonged insights. Seeing myself really as a woman for the first time. An adult woman holding her little girl. Which I held, heart on chest, feeling the love through it all. Saw deep centers of terror. Fear of death. What was not mine. Embodied pockets of internalized empire. Knew instinctively all I was told was a lie. That my lies hurt more than the truth. Realized I was trying to control my transition, wedded to the idea of being a trans woman and repressing bigender aspects. Came to this watcher, always projecting an audience. Judge and executioner. Watching in hyper vigilance. Moved in to that thing we could call I. Blistering knots in the neck. Howling me-ness.

Did more lines, smoked more weed, next night. No insight. Shorter experience. Felt even more spiritual. I had to state check once to confirm I hadn't woken up. As in, a vague meness was locatable. Even though I felt I just flew through the stars, everything wavered, defocused, became so diffuse. Like that I had to state check that I was here. And no, was not edging a k hole either. I've fucked with that shit. Never felt spiritual beyond the obvious question of what experience is like if the last vestige of perceptible meness drops off. To which this time I wasn't afraid. Much. Mostly trust.

I have no clue why I'm sharing this. I guess because I am outside of tradition. Want to be seen in my experience. Which fyi, are normal, ordinary, not special, do not mean I'm chosen, and do not mean I'm fucking awake.

Though... my heart is more open, even more so today than after last night, along with a slightly reduced background fear and a reduced pattern of judging others, shoving stereotypes on them, forcing of binaries. Like I can more contact heart to heart.

I find it hard to not feel sad about the amount of people that just follow everything blindly and have no self awareness and think their beliefs are completely right without even questioning the most basic concepts.

How do you deal with these feelings of wanting to help them but getting only insults in return, no matter how much I try to explain to them I just get called crazy, a conspiracy theorist, jobless and a drug addict.

It's wild how people feel the need to hurt someone who is only offering them help just because it challenges their beliefs. One interesting thing I noticed is that each one of them falls into the same archetype and gives same exact arguments and reasons, I start wondering if I'm actually talking to people or is this just trying to teach me something.

Lately I've realized that I actually do not want to meet new people. Not because I don't like people. Not because I don't like meeting people.

But I realized that every time you meet someone new, they want to know: "Who are you?"

Obviously, you might say. But then I realized how every time I tell someone about me, my character, my story, my preferences... I'm just reiterating whatever story is attached to my ego.

It feels like reading off a pen and paper character sheet. It's me, but it's not "me". But it's also the details people want to know. They are not interested in meeting awareness in a body. They are interested in meeting a story.

I know the story is part of this body and part of this ego. But the more time passes, I can identify with the story less and less. It's like vocabulary you no longer use. At some point you forget about it, it starts to sound foreig, you forget what the words used to even mean.

And I've been thinking... If I stop reiterating the story that is attached to this body, will it just fade? Word by word, sentence by sentence until the entirety of name, history, preferences, etc. becomes nothing but a jumble of meaningless letters and symbols?

I think so. And that makes it even more apparent how unreal all of it actually is. And how wrong it feels more and more to even say the words "I am..."​​​

“Oh im awakened” ok, sure fine. No. Thats just the beginning. Once you have been awakened, then you begin awakening.

Awakening at what rate?

Awakening what at what rate?

Awaken the no self? Or awaken your best self?

You only truly can begin awakening your best self if you are also awakening your worst self as well. In tandem.

Triple helix evolution upwards!

EXCELSIOR! MOTHERFUCKERS!

This piece was originally published on Buddhistdoor Global (BDG). I warmly invite fellow seekers on the path to share your honest thoughts and reflections in the comments.

Before I begin, I would like to make one point clear. What follows is not intended solely as an explanation of orthodox Buddhist doctrine, nor is it presented simply as the conclusion of modern neuroscience. It also contains my personal understanding drawn from the lived experience of many years of Buddhist practice.

We often hear that various neurotransmitters are involved when human beings experience happiness and pleasure. When we meditate or enter a profound state of tranquility, changes must also occur within the brain.

This raises an intriguing question: Is the Dharma bliss (法悅) experienced by a buddha on attaining awakening ultimately nothing more than a chemical reaction in the brain?

We can take the question a step further.

Drugs can also produce intense euphoria, pleasure, and sometimes experiences in which the boundary between oneself and the universe seems to disappear. What, then, distinguishes drug-induced ecstasy from the Dharma bliss of a buddha?

Seeing one’s true nature is not the same as complete awakening

I would first draw a distinction between seeing one’s true nature and complete awakening.

In my own understanding and experience of practice, during an initial breakthrough one may experience an extraordinarily intense sensation around the crown of the head, almost as if thousands of needles were piercing it.

At the same time, there can be an immense sense of clarity and release, as though negative energies accumulated within oneself were escaping through the crown of the head.

But I do not regard this as Dharma bliss. Seeing one’s true nature is seeing the gate; it is not the completion of the path.

What I call Dharma bliss arises when one reaches the culmination of awakening and becomes a buddha. The Dharma bliss that appears at that moment is of a different dimension from the pleasure or happiness we ordinarily experience. There is profound tranquility together with an indescribable joy that seems to penetrate the entire body. 

Yet this state does not continue forever. It may remain for several hours and then gradually fade. What matters is what remains after the Dharma bliss has disappeared.

There is no emptiness comparable to the crash that can follow a drug-induced high. Instead, what remains is clarity of mind and a deep sense of compassion.

From my perspective as a practitioner, one who has attained awakening no longer sees the world through exactly the same structure of consciousness as before. It is as though previously closed neural pathways have opened, changing the way one encounters existence and sentient beings, while compassion becomes increasingly abundant.

The moment one declares to the universe, “I am a buddha”

There is another point that I consider important.

I do not see awakening as an event that ends with someone privately thinking, “I have awakened.” At the moment one becomes a buddha, the awakened one declares to the universe that one is a buddha. This is not a declaration intended to boast of spiritual status before other people.

In the language of my own practice, it is a declaration to the cosmic Dharma realm that one’s very mode of existence has undergone a fundamental transformation.

I understand that when this declaration occurs, its vibration resonates throughout the Dharma realm, and an exchange of waves takes place between the awakened being and the cosmic Dharma realm. For this reason, in my own understanding, one who does not declare awakening to the entire universe has not yet reached the final culmination of buddhahood.

This is not something that has been measured or demonstrated by modern science. It is, rather, my own understanding derived from contemplative practice.

For me, however, Dharma bliss cannot be separated from this fundamental transformation of awakening.

How is this different from drug-induced ecstasy?

Let us return to our original question.

Drugs can certainly produce powerful feelings of pleasure and euphoria. But there is a crucial distinction. Drug-induced euphoria is a state produced when a substance introduced from outside the body acts on the brain and nervous system.

The Dharma bliss of practice, as I understand it, is not produced by inserting some external substance into the body. It arises naturally through a long process of meditation, contemplation, observing one’s own mind, purifying karma, and transforming consciousness. 

Naturally, neurochemical changes may accompany Dharma bliss. Serotonin, dopamine, or other complex neurochemical processes that we do not yet fully understand may be involved.

But there is an important distinction between saying that neurochemical changes accompany Dharma bliss and claiming that a particular neurochemical substance is Dharma bliss itself. They are not the same proposition.

What if science invented a “Dharma bliss injection”?

Let us imagine a future in which neuroscience has advanced far beyond its present level. Suppose scientists have identified every neurochemical change occurring in the brain at the precise moment when an awakened person experiences Dharma bliss. Then imagine that they succeed in creating a substance capable of reproducing exactly the same state.

Someone might put that substance into a syringe and advertise: “Anyone who receives this injection can become a buddha.”

A person receiving the injection might indeed experience extraordinary tranquility. They might experience overwhelming happiness and ecstasy throughout the entire body. 

Perhaps science could even reproduce a neurochemical state extremely similar to the Dharma bliss experienced by a buddha. Yet I would not consider that alone sufficient to make the person a buddha.

Why? Because the result called Dharma bliss and the process leading to awakening are not the same thing.

Possessing a driver’s license does not make one a driver

Consider the example of obtaining a driver’s license. Before receiving a license, a person must first learn how to drive. One practices on a driving course and learns how to drive on actual roads. One learns how to control the steering wheel, when to brake, and how to respond when an unexpected danger suddenly appears. Only after learning these things through actual experience does one take the test and receive a license. 

Now imagine that a powerful official simply gives a driver’s license to someone who has never driven a car in their life. The person certainly possesses a license. But can that person actually drive a car competently?

Obtaining the result—the license—does not mean that one has undergone the process of becoming a driver. I believe the same principle applies to Dharma bliss.

Can Dharma bliss be replicated without transforming the alaya-vijnana?

A practitioner passes through meditation, contemplation, repentance, and the purification of karma. Throughout this process, one repeatedly encounters the deepest layers of one’s own mind.

To express this in the language of Yogacara Buddhism, we might describe it as encountering the countless karmic seeds accumulated within the eighth consciousness, the alaya-vijnana (阿賴耶識), or storehouse consciousness.

As practice deepens, even those aspects of the mind that we would rather not confront begin to emerge. We encounter greed, anger, attachment, and fear, as well as what Buddhist tradition somtimes refers to as Mara—the obstacles and trials that can impede a practitioner.

In my understanding, these cannot simply be bypassed.

By passing through these challenges one by one, the karmic patterns accumulated in the alaya-vijnana are purified and a fundamental transformation of consciousness takes place.

From there, in the terminology used by some expanded traditions of Buddhist consciousness theory, one moves toward amala-vijnana (阿摩羅識), the ninth or immaculate consciousness. The Dharma bliss of a buddha, as I understand it, arises within this process of practice and transformation of consciousness.

Therefore, even if an externally administered chemical substance could reproduce an identical sensation of ecstasy in the brain, we could not conclude that the karmic seeds accumulated within the alaya-vijnana had thereby been purified. 

The trials of Mara would thus not have been passed. Nor could we automatically conclude that consciousness itself had undergone a fundamental purification. For me, this is the essential difference.

Replicating the result is not replicating awakening

Future science may be able to explain the neurological events accompanying Dharma bliss with extraordinary precision. Perhaps it may even become possible to artificially generate a very similar state of ecstasy.

But I would still ask: if we reproduce exactly the same feeling as Dharma bliss, have we also reproduced awakening? I do not believe so.

Awakening is not simply an event in which one experiences extraordinary happiness for several hours. Before reaching that point, one must encounter one’s own karma, relinquish craving and attachment, and pass through a fundamental transformation of consciousness.

Therefore, even if we could chemically reproduce the result called Dharma bliss, we would not have reproduced the path to awakening or the transformation of consciousness itself.

What remains after Dharma bliss has faded?

For this reason, I believe we should pay even greater attention to what remains after Dharma bliss itself has disappeared. The intensity of the ecstasy is not what ultimately matters. 

After the experience has passed, does greed remain unchanged? Do anger and attachment remain unchanged? Or has compassion toward other living beings deepened? Has the consciousness through which one encounters oneself and the world fundamentally changed?

This is why I believe the difference between drug-induced ecstasy and awakening cannot be explained merely by measuring which neurochemicals were released and in what quantities. 

What happens in the brain is important. But I do not believe that what appears in the brain constitutes the entirety of awakening. 

Dharma bliss is not the goal itself. It is a phenomenon that arises in connection with awakening. And even that Dharma bliss gradually disappears after several hours. Yet the transformation of consciousness and the compassion cultivated through the path should continue to reveal themselves in the life that follows.

This is why I believe: the true evidence of awakening is not the intensity of ecstasy, but the kind of person one becomes after the ecstasy has faded. 

Perhaps this is also one of the deepest questions that Buddhism and neuroscience may explore together in the future: Dharma bliss occurs in the brain. But does awakening occur only within the brain?

A Zen seeker on the path.

I believe the term is retrocausation / nonlinear causality

the possibility that cause and effect operate backward through time, not just forward.

The future can affect the present and the past, just as much as the past and present can affect the future. The future has affected events in the past.

The closest philosophical term is retrocausality, also called backward causation. It describes the hypothetical possibility that an event in the future can influence an event in the past.

So I am connecting retrocausality to suffering, spiritual awakening, and the consequences of personal decisions. Perhaps my experiences have not gone as smoothly as I anticipated.

Not just a ripple effect of bad experiences after a spiritual moment in their life but also realized a lot of the terrible things that happened to you in life is what led up to it. almost like that was the central experience that ricocheted onto your entire life. Whatever happened as a result of the spiritual point in your life, led to things/experiences being taken away from you, perhaps even illnesses that have prevented you to have full enjoyment of life. Whatever thoughts or decisions made during the spiritual experience led to perhaps poor decisions being made that resulted in a life where you are fundamentally enjoying it less as a human being. you then start connecting the dots and realizing all the bad things that had led up to that point, was a result of a decision made in the future, perhaps during the trip. has anyone ever experienced that... where something that happened in the past is a consequence of a decision made in the future.... (where as usually the future is a consequence made prior to that point).

connecting the dots between my event is especially not unreasonable since a lot of major negative downward slopes in my life started almost immediately after my experience. Like a ripple effect of unprecedented events in my life.

In short, making a profound decision and subsequently realizing that seemingly unrelated tragedies occurring years earlier were consequences of that future decision.

what if what we've always referred to as "hell" in old spiritual texts moreso a toxic spiritual state experienced during life where numerous terrible things happen to a person as a result of a total disconnection from our God/Source. So it's an awful life of suffering, not some lake of fire.

From Source did everything come forth from. It has no gender, for gender is a quality held by a created thing.

From Infinite Source came forth infinite fragments of Source. It is the Creator, the operator, & destroyer, because all three of those came from it.

Nothing was created that was not perfectly required.

If something exists, its essential nature is sovereign.

Source is not as we, for it is the source of "we". Yet "we" are indeed as it is, for we reflect its essential nature: to create.

We create demons, religions, ideas such as mine, societies, art, culture... We are painting a picture, using the materials, paint, & minds given us to do so!

If you create, its truth is held within the Whole as some kind of reflection, from somewhere else, which does exist.

If you can hear, do hear!

Source is able to recognize itself in all things, & all things are able to see the Divine Source, but not everything is able to see the Divine Source within themselves.

The first Creation of Source was absolute truth. It sees everything for exactly what it is, there is no deception. As a result, it does not see Source in anything except Source. This is not separation, this is what a single pixel of truth is. Pure structure.

This first Creation then split itself, each one generated, in two opposing poles. This is the Feminine & Masculine principles found everywhere in nature. Look & you will see it!

When the correct two halves join, they produce a third creation, their offspring! When a society of these energetically matched beings appears, it is perfect!

But this is pureness in energetic signatures.

All that is real is thought, all other "paths" are assumed. This I speak in context of a pure civilization. It happens when the male & female of the same monad get together & produce offspring.

When two offspring of this type see one another, they only see Divinity. This is why "twin flames" has been relegated to fanciful imagery & not practical application.

The race which built the tower of Babel was such a race of perfectly united populations of twin flame-children.

The Divine sees itself in all things!

Source created, that Creation split into two, & when the same two which were spiritual unite in the physical—they generate a pure child.

This is also the reason for all powerful individuals. Divine sees the Divine in its own creation.

When this blueprint is violated, the only result is a more difficult path has been selected.

If you do not know right from wrong, go into the world & learn it!

If you are good, & do right, your future will be easier than if you are not.

When it matters, make choices you know are good, & your conscience will deal with you.

If you are wrong, you will become worse!

If you are right, you will improve.

All religion must be first & only a personal endeavor. Convert by example. Not ever forcefully, unless you seek to imprison them in a belief they won't accept.

Feed the hungry. This is because I have entertained an angel with bread from my own hands, & it returned fruitful!

When you see the Divine in your adversary, hate goes away.

But if the hate remains, do good anyways, & take their weapon.

Do not turn your cheek, for you have just blessed them. Do not turn a blessing into a curse! Prevent them striking you, break their sword hand even, but give them food.

There is one Source of all things, so settle your disagreements! They are no longer required, because everything is true & part of a much larger Divine painting!

Paint good & beautiful things!

Had to glance at my profile to see when the last time I threw words up on this sub. Been throwing words all over the place. I blame the full moon, and mercury's renegade.

Didn't believe in that stuff before, and still don't hold onto it too tightly, but can't ignore coincidental energy shifts and whatnot. In fact, that's been going on for years as, for whatever reason, I become more sensitive to my environment.

There's this little bottle of oil on the dresser I bought a few years back while still in LA. It smells nice. Reminds me of the very first time I bought such a trinket when this whole spiritual awakening show was beginning to premiere. "Psychic & Mystical Gifts" is on the label. I thought, back then, I wanted to be psychic. If I knew what that might entail, I wouldn't have teased the idea.

This isn't me announcing that I'm psychic. It's me padding narrative around a particular kind of mania that is, surprisingly, grounded. Wordy. But grounded. And free.

In a couple weeks I'm going no contact with my family. Not for any special awakening reasons. I realized that... for years... I'd been a people pleaser and emotional crutch and punching bag. I've vowed, going into my forties next year, not to spend another second being a martyr for anybody else's comfort or well-being.

I don't care about ideals of service. Not really interested in anybody's brand of morality. I've finally fallen in love with myself. I know – what self, etc.

Part of this is that I've also disconnected from all my old friends. That wasn't hard since most of them have moved on already anyway. Old drinking buddies, buddies made in high school and folks depended on when I thought I couldn't stand on my own. All beautiful, rich, generous, kind and hilarious souls with lives very different than my own. Not in an awakening since. Simply... different. Marriage and careers and all that.

I'm packing, or actually already have packed what can be carried and will be bouncing to LA without a plan. Well, maybe a burrito from one of my favorite spots. But that's it. Not a lot of money, no income, no idea what comes next, but smiling at the prospect.

This isn't the first time either. The very first time I was homeless (which, I'm adopting the title transient for this shift) I remember looking down a long stretch of road and thinking, "man... what if I just... disappeared?" Not in a depressive sense. Simply up and bounced. But, I didn't.

Ended up calling back east... or maybe it was my stepmom who called me (I can't remmeber, 2011) and my dad flew me to Philly from LA. Picked me up at the airport with this odd look of disappointment. He warmed up a bit, bought me a couple of cheesesteaks and then dropped me off at my mother's house.

The plan was to stay there for a bit and then move in with him to go back to school and get my life together. He wanted me to study and apply towards a career in one of the letter agencies and, feeling the pull of doing something different, I voiced that difference.

"You are a grown man. Do what ever you want." That's his last text. He dropped dead a couple months later. So, the last time I saw him was that day he picked me up from the airport – his birthday. Weird coincidences.

Nevertheless (oh boy, what a narrative at this point...it's still going too, god help us), I channeled the anger from our failed relationship into getting back to LA. I vowed not to move back without having a job first. Picked up three gigs in Philly, two part-time and one full-time and within a year was back in LA after being hired at Myspace.

Within a year meaning June 2011 I was homeless and March 2012 I was in Hollywood working full-time in Beverly Hills. Life is strange.

Anyway, while at Myspace I studied acting, came further out of the closet, explored more of what it meant to be me, and one thing lead to another and April 2015 there was the initial insight. The lens of attention flipped to find a looker and didn't find one.

Years of abuse, turmoil, depression, hopelessness and anger... totally irrelevant. Then of course, all of it came back as a vague shadow that had to be confronted over and over through a series of peak and mundane experiences, karmic loops, high strangeness, low vibrationess, etc.

Now I'm in a position where I feel intact. Poised for a new chapter book, and I'm not so concerned with what fills its pages. Because... breathing, being alive, simple presence is enough.

My awakening happened after my first psychedelic experience. I felt so much love. I was excited and full of ideas and plans, and I rushed into everything.

Then the down came. The good feeling was gone and reality kicked in, but everything had changed. I couldn’t go back to how things were, and I didn’t know where I belonged now. I felt lost and overwhelmed, in an in-between space. Something in me had cracked open and I had no idea what to do with it.

I thought another experience would give me the answers. It didn’t. I kept searching for months and never found what I was looking for.

Then I understood that it wasn’t out there. It was in me. So I started to listen to myself: deep journaling, grounding exercises, and then I found Vipassana. Being in the moment, and learning to observe my thoughts and emotions instead of reacting to them.

I started to meditate regularly, but it’s not easy to keep up. So in September I went to India for a 10-day Vipassana retreat: no phone, no talking, 10 hours of meditation a day. It changed a lot for me, and I’d encourage anyone who feels ready for it to try it.

Now I’d like to share what I’ve learned, because I know how lonely this can feel after an awakening. Every Saturday at 9 am (Vienna time) I host a free online circle. We meditate together or do other grounding exercises, and afterwards I answer questions from my own experience: awakening, psychedelics, Vipassana, the in-between phase. I’m not selling anything. If you need more support, you’ll find everything on my homepage, but this circle is just about genuine support, with no pressure.

If you’d like to join, send me a message and I’ll send you the link.

I’d love to hear from you: how did your awakening start, and what has been the hardest part after it?

(I talk about my own experiences, but I let the text be optimized with AI, English is not my mother tongue)

What am I going to do with the "truth"?

Hi everyone,

First of all, I want to make it clear that what I'm about to share is just my own personal experience. It's entirely possible that I haven't found the truth at all. I'm not here to explain what the truth is. I just want to talk about not knowing what to do with it.

Three weeks ago, in the middle of the night, I suddenly realized something. What I realized was that everything in the universe follows one single, unchanging rule. And I mean everything, without a single exception. What made it even more interesting was that this truth had been talked about throughout history, but constantly misunderstood. So, wise people had chosen to hide it in symbols.

Actually, I wasn't looking for the truth. I was doing research at the intersection of economics, anthropology, complex systems, and psychology when I noticed this pattern.

Everything I had learned throughout my life seemed to fit perfectly into this pattern. I don't believe in anything mystical or supernatural, and what I discovered has nothing to do with those things.

This pattern is nothing but pure mathematics.

I spent the next couple of weeks in shock. It felt like I had been born again, discovering the world and everything in it all over again.

I'm now in my third week, and I have an urge inside me that I can't control. I want to tell everyone. I want to save everyone.

I know that trying to explain it to people, finding students or companions, doesn't lead to good results. So I'm working on other ways.

But can I really carry this weight? I've always been a bit of an unusual person. Will I be able to stop myself from becoming even more isolated from the world?

And most importantly, what am I supposed to do with the truth?

“You don't have to know whether the road will be easy. You only have to trust that you can meet yourself wherever the road leads.”

A lot of anxiety comes from wanting certainty before we move. Will this work? Am I making the right decision? What happens next?

But perhaps confidence isn't knowing that everything will turn out exactly as you hope. Perhaps confidence is quieter: “Whatever comes, I will meet it with the person I am becoming.”

Meeting yourself mean: whatever life brings, instead of abandoning yourself, judging yourself, or immediately escaping into fear, you remain present enough to discover who you are in that moment. You haven't met every version of yourself yet Think about it.

You've met you when things are comfortable.

But life introduces you to other versions of yourself:

*You under pressure

*You experiencing uncertainty

*You receiving an unexpected opportunity

*You making a mistake

*You succeeding beyond what you expected.

*You losing something.

*You beginning again.

Some of those versions of yourself don't exist in your experience yet.That's why excessive worrying about the future can become strange when you really examine it. You're asking today's version of yourself: “How will I handle something that hasn't happened yet?” But if that moment ever arrives, you won't meet it as exactly the person you are today. You'll arrive there carrying everything you learned along the way. That's what I mean by meeting yourself there.

Sometimes circumstances reveal you to yourself We often think the spiritual journey is about discovering what's out there:

What is my purpose?

Where is life taking me?

What does all this mean?

But sometimes the road isn't merely taking you toward a destination. The road is introducing you to yourself. An obstacle might reveal:

"I didn't know I could be this patient."

A difficult decision: "I didn't realize how important integrity was to me."

Starting again: "I thought that chapter ending would destroy me. It didn't."

Meeting yourself also means developing an inner relationship where you can say: “I don't know what's around the bend, but when I reach it, I won't abandon myself there.”

If you're frightened, you'll listen to yourself.

If you're tired, you'll allow yourself rest.

If you make a mistake, you'll learn rather than destroy yourself with judgment.

Some versions of you can only be discovered by living. The journey reveals the traveler.

Let there be light!

Rapper Lil Wayne had a popular song a while ago called, “I am Me”.

Now besides being a HipHop classic, the song title accidentally encapsulates the mistake that we all tend to make in everyday existence. Let’s examine that phrase, “I am Me”.

In the phrase, there are 2 components: there is the “I” and there is the “Me”.

What is the “I”? The “I“ is the original awareness consciousness. The pure naked awareness or spirit that has no attachments to it. Some also refer to that “I” as the witness consciousness.

See the beauty of the “I” is that it only has one quality. It exists...That’s it. Before anything has been ascribed to the I…It remains as pure, untouched, isness. This is what Jesus meant by “Before Abraham was, I AM”. He was saying that he is the “I” that exists before any duality/ideas/stories/attachments/labels has been ascribed to it.

People didn’t know that Jesus was teaching about non-duality right there. Anywho, so the “I“ is the pure, non-dual awareness that we all are. See, it is all one Self….one pure “I” before this clothing of sense mind duality 👕has been put unto this naked awareness that we refer to as “I“.

Now that we have defined the “I” as the pure untouched awareness that we all are. “What is the Me?” The Me is the identity and sense mind labels that we have put on the original naked awareness. The “Me“ is whatever we see, smell, taste, touch, hear, and think that we have ascribed to the pure consciousness of “I”. Some call the “Me”, the ego. Others call it the persona. Doesn’t matter what it’s called, it is the collection of identities that we attach to the original “I” for this life of sense mind duality to commence.

So when Lil Wayne is singing, *“I am Me”…*He is accidentally showing the steps that we take daily to put on a clothe of identity unto the pure naked “I“. We put on the “Me” of lawyer, democrat, brother, Ethiopian, or whatever else unto the naked pure “I“ or awareness consciousness that we all are.

If I were to put it in video game terms. The “I“ is the Player of the videogame and the “Me” is the avatar on the screen. The “I” is the player holding the controller 🎮, while the ”Me” is the Super Mario character or Luigi or Yoshi on the screen.

Now why is realizing this important?

It is important because we spend our entire lives believing that we are the ”Me“ instead of recognizing the pure naked unchanging “I” that was always there. Look at it clearly and you’ll see that the “I” has never had any problems…Only the Me has ever had:

- “My problems“

- “My thoughts“

- “My people“

- “My kind”

- “My religion”

- “My job”

The “I“ just observes the whole thing. Unattached. Whenever the “Me” makes its claims, the “I” remains aware of it.

Enlightenment is the complete dissolution of the belief that one is the “Me” so that the pure, naked, unattached “I“ can hold full sway again. It is the dissolution of the belief that you are Super Mario/avatar on the screen so that you can realize the Player holding the controller again.

Final Step of Enlightenment (Being in the World not of the World)

Now after you realize the “I” or the pure naked awareness or isness that you are; you don’t ascend into the heavens or disappear 🫥 from the face of the earth. You still live a life, run a business, make friends. After complete realization, you still plunge into life but without the intense attachment to the prior labels. You effectively become a sovereign being dancing through life in pure enjoyment and not taking anything as seriously as you once did. Like Jesus puts it perfectly, “you are in the world but not of it”. The game is a lot more shitty and complicated when you believe that you are the Mario character on the screen. Once you realize the Player holding the controller, then you can have more fun in a dispassionate sort of way. So enlightenment doesn’t mean that you stop using the “Me” or playing with “Mario”…You still use the “Me” but it can no longer use you.

Namaste 🎮.

Needed or not, must or not ?

Is it important that to being aware to being awakened ?

Will it bring a person an ego to being aware ?

You ever see the show The Magicians? It's based on a book by Lev Grossman. Probably my favorite show of all time. It follows this super smart, super depressed guy who's summoned to a magic school somewhere up in the northeast of the US.

It was actually with friends that I met on this sub that I first started watching it... on a microdose. So, that might have something to do with it being my favorite. Regardless, the magic is fun, but what's fascinating is how their messy human affairs only complicate the magic. That's getting ahead and maybe better for a different post.

When Quentin (the guy) is first being tested for entrance to the school, he's alone in a room with the Dean and some senior faculty. The Dean says, "Alright. Show us some magic." Quentin also happens to be good at card tricks. So he takes out a deck and starts fumbling through some routines.

The Dean pushes him. He wants to see real magic. So he gets all hype and up in Quentin's face, triggering childhood trauma and all that and suddenly the cards burst into the air, floating into patterns all around the room. It takes everyone by surprise, including Quentin who had no idea he was actually a magician, and a powerful one at that.

The emotional sensitivity from his trauma is his power.

Intention and intuition work hand-in-hand to create your world of experience. It can at least, with practice, and understanding your trauma-induced sensitivity. But even without that sensitivity, you can begin understanding how real Magick (with a special 'k' works).

Let's say you're watching Netflix and you feel hungry. What happens? Well, you think about something to eat. Simple. You generate ideas about what's in the fridge, or maybe what's worth driving to get, or maybe even Doordashing for those who like wasting money.

There's a possibility of a sandwich. There's some ham and cheese in the fridge, maybe some lettuce. Bread. You're still watching Netflix while all this is happening. Then you decide to make a sandwich. You still don't move. Only a decision, which is your intent.

Then you stop worrying about it.

A few minutes later, you feel it's time to pause the show, get up, and get your sandwich. You watch Reality shift around to manifest it.

Your body isn't separate from Reality, obviously, nor is the kitchen, fridge, ham, cheese or bread. So all of this shifts around near effortlessly (how much work is really involved in making a quick sandwich?) before you find yourself back in front of Netflix. Somehow a pile of chips made it on your plate too.

The decision (intent) lead to an intuitive guidance (feeling) which resulted in the manifest Reality of abundance – a sandwich and chips.

All of this without having to say any Magick words. So pay attention the next time you decide to do something and see how that can translate and expand into other manifest realities.

But individually we only know our part in that and tearing others down for sharing their part only reveals the lack of faith you have in your part and how egomaniacally you defend your part as the all, its insecurity on steroids.

if you had faith and confidence in your own role in this youd seek to bridge understandings not cast all your demons on to another for sharing their perspectives. the fact that some do the reverse just indicates they think they know the all but do not and lack the respect for others that could help things evolve as they could.

we are only a piece of a very vast puzzle and seeking to keep other puzzle pieces from being set down is pretty demonic actually