I’m falling, falling, falling,
a little more each day,
and every time you reach for me,
another fear fades away.

I’m falling into laughter,
into butterflies and you,
into thoughts of being closer,
and little dreams of you.

I’m falling past my worries,
past the walls around my heart,
and every time I think I’ve landed,
there’s another little drop.

Falling softer, falling deeper,
falling more with every day,
and somewhere in all this falling,
I forgot to be afraid.

So let me fall, baby,
let me fall into you,
because the more I’m falling,
the more I’m loving you.

Today I will come home from work
and immediately shower.
From my skin I will painstakingly scrub the
grime, sweat, germs.
I will attempt to wash away every “What if” and “Why did you say that”, but they
will still stick.

Today I will crawl into bed, drained both
physically and emotionally.
I will close my eyes and replay the details
of my night,
excruciatingly and impeccably.
I expect nothing less of me, as I expect
nothing more either.

I wish I had the power to rip myself apart
at the seams.
Maybe then I could finally spill out all of the
anger, hatred, disgust.
Of which I carry
within myself,
for myself.

Maybe then I would finally start to heal
and be happy.

Maybe then I would finally, even if for a moment, feel a sliver of
love for myself.

I should call this personal era
the “Phone Years”
which would be
an apt
way
of describing time
lost in a digital rabbit hole
at the expense of reading
something actually meaningful
to my heart and soul

From hours to days to weeks,
Im left to sit in uncomfortable silence with these painful, loud emotions.
I can neither silence nor soothe them; I can neither silence nor soothe myself.
So I endure them; watching the clock for relief, exhausting myself under the surface.

Not even your absence offers relief.
These unwanted memories of intimacy and moments of affection keep you here with me and the hands of the clock are winded back.
Every tick synchronized with the pulsating, constant ache in my chest.

Tick. Thud. Tick. Thud. Tick. Thud.
What should I have done?
Should I have lied to myself?
Should I have abandoned my heart and run the opposite way from you?
I wonder, though it all means very little now.
Whether I run forward or backwards, left or right, you unmercifully await me at every turn.

My eyes sting as the ticking continues.
My wounds haven’t begun to heal yet, they do not know how.
I am not reminded of you because i have yet to forget you.
You are as persistent as this dreadful ache around my heart.
Where is my relief?

Anger. Irritation. Frustration.
Betrayal. Sadness. Hurt.
Affection. Yearning. Love.
In seeing you, through memories, a glance with my eyes, I feel them all.
How can I deny what is so evident?
How can I embrace and reject what is painful?

The clock ticks but its hands no longer move.
And the ticking is endless.

I could make
a thousand songs
about what you meant
but I won’t

It was beautiful
what we had,
I wish it could’ve lasted
I wish I could’ve kept you close
but it’s done

You are gone, you have left
I wish to stay longer
but there’s nothing more to say
so I’ll close the door
on the house we never built

Instead, a distant star from light years away

My flickering glimmer is not salvation 

It is a reminder that I am burning out.

A reminder that my sparks burn 

Planets proceed with caution,

A lonely star desperate for connection;

I will reach out with my fiery tendrils

Hungry for attachment.

My desperation is fleeting,

A blaze that can’t quite stay alight.

It is a reminder that I am burning out.

I don‘t care
Being a queen everywhere
I just want to come home
To my lone queendom

People come and go
Judge by glance
Let no one know
Your absence

Where is my love
Where is the one
I’ve always dreamt of

Are you as lonely
Do you look up to the stars
Wondering where I am
While I do the same
With you

All my life
I’ve been a ghost
Surrounded by laughing flesh
Looking right through me
But with you I feel
Not alone

Coffee never felt so out of its league,

You make it hurt way more.

Yet, you make it so addicting,

I want to smoke your existence to its core.

Does alcohol know?

You make me drunk like never before.

There's no need for pornography,

You make me move without bore.

Watch out,

With how you're making me soar.

Starting in this black box,

You'll become a part of my lore.

Selective hearing

Muted madness

A silent upheaval

Rearing despondence

\~>

A deafening let down

Of an offering lifted

A quiet rejection

From an invisible witness

\~>

Standing sun shining in front of you

Storms away into the distance

Tears falling from clouds

With unmerited penance

For Once…
For once,
I want to forget everything about myself,
never to come back, to walk out the door,
fall on my back, losing consciousness,
leave my body lifeless on the cold floor.

Throw away everything I’ve created,
untie all attachments, every unspoken lie,
apologize for everything I had deserted,
then leave with a final goodbye.

For once… just this once,
I wanna dive down into the darkest depths,
open every locked door and forbidden gate,
sink to the deepest trench of my heart,
then make peace with every demon that awaits,
Let go of the void that seeks to tear my soul apart.

Finally,
go back to the house of my lost self,
where the cold winds of memories howl,
walk those forgotten hallways anew,
and fall asleep next to my dormant soul.
For this once…

A garden of flowers.
A garden of beautiful flowers, each a favorite of mine.
I once watered them all evenly, nursing them into a lush bower,
But from my own sloth, a plague infests them.

I rip out the sickly plants.
I hopelessly attempt to save them,
To save that which I care for.
I pick and pluck and yank and cull,
Yet for each rotting flower I reap, two more appear.
For each rotting flower I reap, I stop watering another.

Slowly, my garden shrinks and dies and withers,
Leaving ugly blights and the plagued soil underneath.

Before it dies, while it still even matters, all I show my audience of friends is
The healthy flowers.
The rest I hide, keeping to myself.

No one should see them but myself
No one can see them but myself.
No one must see them but myself.
No one is allowed to see them, lest I hate myself forever.

Late last night, we whispered so many hellos, late last night
Morning came, still holding a lingering trace of our dream
Softly your song begins to play
Familiar tunes from yesterday
If I never woke up, how sweet it would be.

Never mind, I’m just talking crazy, don’t worry,
World, oh please don’t shake me awake just yet
It’s been so long since you’ve dropped by
Just stay a moment by my side
If I never woke up, how sweet it would be.

Late last night, we whispered goodbyes in our sleep, late last night
A trace of perfume in the air
A graceful shadow soft and fair
If I never woke up, how sweet it would be…

There was a boy
who lived in a house that felt too small.

Not because there wasn’t enough room,
but because the walls always felt like they were closing in on him.

Still, he was happy.

He could be himself there.
He could laugh too loud,
smile without thinking about it,
yell when he was excited,
and just be a kid.

For a little while,
he felt safe.

But I guess that didn’t last.

His mother got tired of him.
Or maybe she just got tired of the parts of him
that made him a kid.

He was too loud when he laughed.
Too annoying when he talked.
Even his smile was something to complain about.

And every time he was told to stop,
he stopped a little more.

He started watching what he said.
Watching how loud he laughed.
Wondering if he was doing something wrong
just by being himself.

And eventually,
he stopped smiling so much.

Not because he wasn’t happy anymore,
but because being happy out loud
didn’t feel safe.

He learned to frown.
Learned to keep his thoughts to himself.
Learned that sometimes it was easier
to say nothing at all.

And after a while,
being quiet just became who he was.

Or at least,
who he thought he had to be.

He got so used to holding everything in
that now, even when he wants to speak,
he doesn’t know how.

His voice feels stuck somewhere inside him.
Like there’s always a part of him asking,
Is it okay if I say this?

Am I being too loud?

Am I annoying someone?

Am I gonna get in trouble for this?

And the fucked up part is,
sometimes there’s nobody even there to get mad at him.

He’s just learned to expect it.

I wish I could tell that boy
he never did anything wrong by laughing.

That his smile was never ugly.
That his voice was never a problem.
That he wasn’t too much
just because someone made him feel that way.

But I think he’d have a hard time believing me.

How could he not?

When the person who was supposed to love him
made him feel like being himself was something to be ashamed of.

When home was supposed to be safe,
but he had to learn how to make himself smaller
just to get through it.

And I wonder how much of him
he had to leave behind
just to keep the peace.

How many laughs he swallowed.
How many things he wanted to say but didn’t.
How many times he wanted to be a kid
but thought it was safer not to be one.

God, he was just a boy.

He didn’t deserve to learn that kind of fear.
He didn’t deserve to feel guilty for taking up space.
He didn’t deserve to believe
that the best version of himself
was the quietest one.

And I hate that it took so long
for anyone to understand that.

Because that boy is still here, you know?

Somewhere inside the person I’ve become.

Still thinking before he speaks.
Still holding back a laugh sometimes.
Still wondering if he’s being too much.

And I’m still trying to teach him
that he doesn’t have to do that anymore.

That he can laugh if something is funny.
That he can speak when something matters.
That he doesn’t have to apologize
for being a person with feelings.

I don’t know how long it’ll take.

After years of being told to quiet down,
I guess you don’t just wake up one day
and suddenly feel safe being heard.

But I want him to know something.

He was never the problem.

He was a little boy
who wanted to laugh in his own home.

And someone made him feel like
even that was asking for too much.

I’m sorry he ever believed them.

I’m sorry he had to learn
how to disappear while still being there.

And I hope one day,
he won’t have to think about any of this.

I hope one day he laughs
without checking if anyone’s annoyed.

I hope he smiles
without hearing those old words in his head.

I hope he finally understands
that he was never too loud,
never too annoying,
never too much.

He was just a boy.

A boy who deserved to feel safe
being himself.

And he should’ve never had to learn
how to be quiet
just to be loved.

** **Im so hungry
“I miss when your back was smaller”
I miss seeing food as fuel
“I just think it’d be healthy for you to lose a little”
I think I’m losing it a little
I’m so hungry
Pinch and grab and twist and pull until my skin is scarlet but 1st is never for the working man
Suck it in
throw it up
get it off
but they will never know “it wasn’t supposed to go this far”
I’m so hungry
My skin is a toy and she’s growing out of it
Growing.
Growing.
Gaining…
Losing.
Losing. Strength, hair, fertility.
I’m so hungry
I will win
and my bones will cut 2nd place because 1st is for the working man
I won
and my back is smaller and you regret every noticing
I’m so full
————————————-

Looking for some feedback. Does the formatting make sense? I mean for it to be read out loud in a slam poetry sort of tone. Curious what emotion this evokes for an unbiased reader? Also curious how people who relate to the message feel about its references and structure? Any feedback is appreciated :)

​

Thomas Ship. 2023.

Hey, you there!

Do you ever feel guilty for feeling happy,

In regard to the intense suffering of others in this world?

Do you ever reproach yourself,

In the emptiness of solitude?

Hey, you there!

Do you ever feel in need of something,

Yet not know what it is?

Have you ever experienced a deep emptiness,

Felt wise, and at the same time a spoon?

Hey, you there!

Have you ever felt a rapturous joy,

Followed by the deepest sadness?

Been sent reeling from utter madness,

And felt the need to be intensely schooled?

Hey, you there!

Did you ever experience absolute empathy,

And the onrush of the strangest proclivity?

To be lost and all alone.

Do you ever feel like an unfolding tool?

Hey, you there!

Have you ever felt like you're being written into life,

By a distant higher power?

Onto an emotional scale of joy and strife,

Or conducted into the future rules?

Hey, you there!

How do you experience natural becoming,

As we move into the oncoming future?

Is it miraculous, marveltastic, and stunning,

Or does it feel like self-stitching a suture?

Hey, you there!

Who feels like the turning of a psychic page?

Have you ever courted suicide,

And danced with her as your fickle bride,

As you moved forward, emerging as a fool?

Hey, you there!

With heavy depression invading your mind,

Stuck with rank thoughts on the outflowing tide,

Caught in the hell of existence, and seeking deliverance with repentance, like an overburdened mule.

Hey, you there!

I didn't mean for this to get heavy,

But again I lost my way.

While writing this, I remembered the darkest days—

Or perhaps you're just not ready to be emotionally moved?

Hey, you there!

Pick up the phone if you're falling down,

Don't suffer all alone.

There's no need to drown,

Bouncing off the walls in your lonely rooms.

Hey, you there!

Ever suffered from a mind-snapper?

With your thoughts streaming out your eyes,

To then find to your surprise

Those inside voices, as they all at once begin to chatter, rattling like skeletons in a tomb.

Hey, you there!

Are you still here?

I thought you'd left because of an aversion to moral fear.

On which frequency can I tune into your emotional scale to convey a sprightly tune?

Hey, you there!

Beware of the psychic sharks 🦈

As they seek to hunt you down in the dark,

Where the mental authorities can mistake a joker or a faker,

So please be careful of those deep mind pools.

Hey, you there!

Can I play your emotional notes

And attract a like-minded spirit of soul

From beyond the intersecting veil,

And can we meet where the thought-poles bloom?

Hey, you there!

Do you feel the inter-psychic quakes

Permeating the magnetised feelings?

Has your body been ravaged

By those indefinable and inscrutable moods?

Hey, you there!

Where is the mind-groove?

To bring us all together,

To dance in the worst of weathers,

And have our latent inhibitions removed.

Hey, you there!

I bid you farewell,

I'm waving my cyber hands.

For we are all a tribal band,

Composing sweet and sour music and making our tales so smooth.

I can’t believe
Some people are happy
They never have to worry

They just sit on their dumbass assets
Bringing the cash in

And their assets
Are you and me
Until their machines
Replace us completely

When their machines
Replace us completely
Let’s fly to a better world

Ink dries.
Come closer.
Black it out.
Pull me under.

Low beneath my skin,
hear the static thin.
Is this desire?
A live wire?

Read my mouth
without a sound.
Touch the place
I buried down.

Everywhere I go

I meet new people

Bond over something

Exchange socials

"I made a new friend while I was out"

"Of course you did" say those who know me well

My family lovingly pokes fun

At the ease by which I talk to others

My introverted friends joke

That I collect introverts

But if I'm being honest

I'm lonely

I'm content with my job

I'm happy with my living situation

I love meeting new people

And learning new things

But I long to be held

I yearn to be cared for

I miss being someone's last

And first though

But I'm jaded

And broken

I've been hurt

More times than I care to admit

Strangers exchanging pleasantries

Thats easy

Choosing someone who might treat me well

Thats hard

So I make poor decisions

In matters of the heart

And land myself

Right back in this place

Collecting new friends

Eternally lonely

I need to write to get things off my chest

I'm angry, confused, and I'm feeling depressed

I'm lost in the thoughts inside my mind

I'm looking for answers I'll never find

I don't feel like myself, I feel shut down

my half written truths might make me drown

I'm carrying shame that won't release

no words arrive to give me peace

there's a pain in my side, a lump in my throat

if I swallow it down, I fear I might choke

I somehow need to set myself free

because right I feel like I am not me

I need to write to get things off my chest

I'm sad, I'm hurt, and I'm scared it won't rest

I'm lost in the thoughts inside my mind

the past has passed and I can't rewind time

there's a torment in me that will not rest

I fight to keep my feelings suppressed

I feel I'll never be fully free

from all the hurt that lives inside of me.

A ghost of the past
A faded North Star
A broken compass
A worn map
Guide me to tomorrow

Oh, what a loss,
in the event that we go
The films we’ll all miss
no more play in the snow
 
No more closing our eyes
to avoid the sun’s sting
Oh, what a joy,
to this world we all bring
 
I ask us all now,
How will we take the end?
Laughing? Crying? Heads in the sand?
Will we look to our left?
at the people we love?
Will we look to the sky?
at the clouds up above?
 
Will we look to our feet?
let the worms kiss our toes?
Will we stomp them all out?
in anger, in droves?
Will we look to our right?
and then down at our hands?
the hands that created,
created all man?
 
Will we clench our many fists?
and furrow our brows?
Will we cover our ears?
to block out the sound?
 
Will we go with a bang?
or perhaps with a sob?
Will the streets all go dark?
or fill with a mob?
 
I think I’ll lay down,
relax in my bed.
and finally listen
to that voice in my head
He’ll speak to me softly,
knowing, he’s right
He was always just worried,
didn’t mean for a fright
 
He’ll say then to me,
in barely a whisper:
“Why have you laid down?
Where is your sister?”
“Do you know that a man,
who looks just like you,
could have stopped all of this?
Had he been freed of his tomb?”
 
I’d probably stay lying,
and not really listen
But perhaps just a bit
my eyes would then glisten
 
I’d turn to my side,
and cover my face
I’d wet my two hands
with a failure’s disgrace.
 
I’d turn to the cieling
put pressure on my brow
Push into me a will,
the time to act is now!
 
I’d shoot from my bed!
Look wildly around!
I’d race to my window!
to hear now the sound!
 
But I’d look out that window,
the streets all alight
and realize that moment,
that things,
are alright.

Were eighteen now

swear we just came out of a womb

Might have to come out twice

Yeah twice, but we’ve done this before

Choice to choose, choice to not

still told that cad stepdad, get lost

And so twins cram a studio tight

realizing home was just, anywhere, anywhere else

Twenty three years of being as thick as thick could be, two idiots who found a way to set each other free. You gave me sanctuary, a spot where I could stand, without a filter on my mouth or a weapon in my hand. You made me feel welcome when the world was feeling cold, a sister and a confidante worth more than any gold. I could drop my daily mask and shed my defensive skin, because you knew the whole disaster of the little boy within.

I’ll miss the verbal brawls we used to have, the arguments and spite. Where we would lock up on an issue just to prove to each other who was right. I’ll miss the way I would land a line and watch you lose your head, the unfiltered burst of laughter at the vicious things I’d said. I’ll miss the silly habits you had and the insights from your mind, and your sharp and honest wisdom that was never hard to find. You gave me clarity and counsel when my compass ran aground, the surest kind of family that I’d ever known or found.

They say that finding clovers with four leaves upon the stalk, is a rare and lucky fortune on a person’s earthly walk. So I hope you’re standing somewhere where the clovers stretch for miles, in an endless green horizon full of easy peaceful smiles. Because calling you my friend through the good times and the grim, made me the luckiest person with fortune filled to the brim.

(Goodbye my friend, my only hope is that one day you welcome me in the next life like you did in this one, and that I can ruin more Tool songs you love and hear your laugh again rest easy Pam)