30M

Undiagnosed but many people in my life are certain I am autistic, I use autism 'concepts' a lot when discussing my mental health i.e. masking, overstimulation, burnout, overwhelm etc. My therapist seems sure I am neurodiverse. I have many traits e.g. rigid thinking, routine, bit of a control freak, hyperfocusing on small details, social difficulties.

I feel like I was much more resilient when I was younger. I went to university, traveled on my own.. but I feel like as life has gotten more normal i.e. full time work, relationship, 9-5 job, I have become 'more' autistic. These traits are so much more obvious now. I have difficulty with work and have much more meltdown related behaviors and have so much more stress and greater need for control in my life and my space.

Does anyone else feel this way?

I feel like the expectation is to grow and get stronger but if anything I feel like these traits are much more now that 'real' life has worn me out.

I am by their term "a clean freak".

I spend at least once a week cleaning the common area/kitchen, I had asked them before to help but they do not, and after two weeks of not cleaning I had enough and confronted them about messes I left (of theirs). All they had to say was that they were trying (not), as well as spent their time making me the bad guy for asking too much from their busy schedule, as well as how they don't care about the mess (but somehow appreciate my cleaning).

They also confessed they don't like it when I'm in the kitchen with them because I am 'imposing' on them and look like I am checking to see any mess they make. But really all I am trying to do is spend time with them as they all spend time together in each other rooms and cook together, so I spend a lot of time alone in my room.

I feel very heartbroken and feel like I always have to apologize for something thats not even bad behavior, how is cleaning bad? Why can't they clean up their mess? I feel like I am going insane.

For context, they are both pretty regular people that do college people stuff like party and tailgates and like doing popular kid stuff. They have each other as friends and I just have myself as I haven't made any friends, and since move in day they grew close together and kind of left me to the side.

I feel very bothered and sad about it.

Anyone in the autism community that wants to weigh in give me your experience or even ask me questions to help me understand what it’s actually like I’d be more than happy to answer. I’m not trynna be out here saying I fs have it without an official diagnosis but it’s the term that has made me feel the most understood and I think that’s worth looking into

My autistic daughter has always struggled with friendships. She gives far too much. She pours herself into these people and ends up becoming their ‘go to’ and emotional support etc. it’s never reciprocated. She struggles to make friends so when she does it’s all or nothing. It’s so painful for me - I know how it feels for her because I can see it.
The continuous disappointment and the starting again.

Has anyone ever found their people? What can I do as her mum to help? I do the ‘mum’ things and I’ve told her honestly don’t pour into an empty cup - she gets it and agrees but she’s just so desperate to even find her one person. It keeps me awake most nights.

I'm undiagnosed but I've been suspecting that I'm autistic for a few years now. Socializing is really hard for me and I've never had a good time trying to make or keep friendships. I've always had a much easier time speaking with adults whether it be clerks at some store, teachers, or other people of authority. I think it's because there's a good format to follow with adults and most uphold typical pleasantries and for the most part aren't usually mean. I have a hard time phrasing things regardless, but I find that the usual structure of conversing with adults is a lot more comfortable than talking to other people my age. Is this a common thing or just a me thing?

I have a question about an female autistic colleague of mine. There is some age difference between us but we have become very close (at least that’s what I think). She has shared very personal things about herself and is a very warm and empathetic individual. I really enjoy talking with her and would like to be friends with her but…

Her behaviour confuses me.

The few time we have texted I get enthusiastic and funny replies from her but when I follow up there is no reply from her, has happened several times.

At work she once suggested an meeting up outside work. I got back to her on text to see if she was still interested and she answered enthusiastically but when I tried to set a time and date, she never replied. She hasn’t mentioned anything about this when we met at work again.

When we are just the two of us she is very warm and friendly and we talk about quite deep and personal things but as soon as there are are coworkers around she more or less ignores me.

If she had been NT I would have just let her go and given up any attempts of friendship. But because she mentioned she is autistic and I have tried to get more informed how this affects our communication I realise it could just be a NT - ND misunderstanding.
I humbly ask for your input.

I have bpd and ocd and iv had a habit of hitting my head on a solid surface when I'm extremely frustrated or distressed over something.

This started when I was 16-17 , during those years I used to bang my head on a door or on a wall sometimes when I was very irritated (not with alot of force that it caused bleeding, but many moderate hits) it didn't cause any visible damages so I used to act like nothing happened and continue with everything normally thinking those bumps will just go.

I left doing it for about an year and a half but just a few weeks ago , I got into a really heated argument and was so distressed that i did it again, hit my head on a wooden door 4-5 times, again they were moderate hits , it didn't cause bleeding but that area of my scalp hurted alot for 4-5 days after it the physical pain was gone.

But what's troubling me is that I feel like it has impacted my brain because I feel very confused , anxious , foggy, get tired very easily , can't seem to focus for long when I sit to study ,I also think I can't think that clearly as before and overall don't feel like myself . I'm not even sure if it was a concussion, cuz right after the impact I didn't loose any consciousness or had any vision problems infact , I felt normal otherwise apart from the pain where I'd hit

Can those hits have done any brain damage or swelling that could impact my cognitive abilities permanently? I'm so tired of feeling that confusion and disoriention since weeks, is it going to be like this always

My son just turned 4 in September. He has had delayed speech from the start. We did early intervention so he has had speech therapy ever since he was 2. His doctor has had concerns about autism mainly for the delayed speech factor. But also for the peer interaction aspect too (he sometimes plays with othet peers but not all the time). I once had suspicions due to certain behaviors such as not listening or responding to his name, tantrums lasting longer than 10 min, & running away but those have all gone away when he was about 3 1/2.

Of course theres alot more information I'm leaving out but the Dr. again suggested an autism eval. I just dont want him to get misdiagnosed since its such a huge spectrum thats why im so conflicted. I feel many people out here can be on part of the spectrum with how broad it is. I mean, like maybe hes a little shy sometimes when it comes to other peers & the fact that his peers cant understand him doesnt help to build friendships at that age either.

I absolutely understand the speech delay is still a huge issue for him but does that necessarily mean he has autism if thats most of your basis for wanting an evaluation?! Can a speech delay mean something else?

Honestly idk, maybe I'm in denial. It doesnt help that my husband doesnt even believe in mid/low level autism. Reaching out for other people's thoughts/experiences with being in the same boat.

Do I jump into books on autism? Do I begin researching therapies? How do I even tell my child in a way he’ll under?

How expensive are all the therapies we’re going to need - I hope we can even afford everything he needs.

It’s not surprising. High functioning or “mild” autism, as they put it, still caused him to be unable to function in a classroom setting to the point that we homeschool now. But reading the full report was emotional anyway. I just don’t know what to do next.

Is like non stop thinking and analyzing everything that happens from a “what’s going on with me” point of view , then trying to connect it to various areas of your life a sign of autistic thinking?

My friends keep asking me if im autistic but I don't have any of the traits I don't think maybe I'll hyperfixatte on something for days then move to the next thing or cry about a hyper fixation, I also don't like the like wearing pants to bed cuz it feels really uncomfortable or sometimes the light being on will annoy me because it makes the room feel different but that's all.

I just completed my intake form for my upcoming assessment. And the questions about childhood speech reminded me of this.

According to my mom I had no speech delays. Instead, my first word at a typical speaking age was "chocolate". No mama, dada, dog, cat, etc. Just chocolate. My mom was shocked that I had said something with so many syllables, she says she'll never forget the moment she heard me.

I do suspect that she may not have caught certain signs - for instance, I'm not sure if I was babbling or saying anything remotely monosyllabic leading up to that. I imagine it must have added to the shock if I wasn't. And I likely would have ended up having a different first word if I was babbling and doing normal baby talk. But my mom is elderly now and I'm not sure how much she actually remembers, she didn't mention anything about that.

I do have some memories from a very young age, and I do remember that I almost never spoke. I typically pointed to things and communicated that way. This is part of why I suspect that I wasn't babbling much or at all until I said "chocolate".

Just felt like sharing this here bc I find it funny that my (well, very likely) autistic tiny child brain was apparently so fixated on chocolate that it was the most important thing at that time lol. Not at all unlike adult me with my current special interests.

Momentum propels me along, freedom in mind but not thought. My life purpose is not entangled in a body of work but skipping on stones across a pond, revelling in mapping out my instinctual path. Mine is a torch attached to my head and where the light points, the focus goes next. A constant state of fluctuation, distorted control but intrigue at its core.

Destination merely represents an after thought in my world. Simply a moment in time, two variables connecting, never an anchor, barely a reflection. Wherever your next pursuit takes you, be it, next weekend, that overdue holiday, marriage, retirement, that next milestone. Alignment with such a pathway suggests I have the same compass.

Success to another can look linear, an upward curve representing life progress. Comparatively my mind revels in seeing patterns, contradictions, inconsistencies, testing variables, not following paths. Casually floating along a stream, observing others on land, building structures of stability. Basking in the freedom of my movement.

A train embodies more just than the object itself. My focus is on the synchronisation, how the rails connect, the spinning wheels, effortlessly interacting with natural obstacles and marvel at the slickness of the coordination. A natural stimulation which radiates from analysing how the different parts relate.

Lost in thought, yet fascinated in an ever emerging world of patterns and connections. In the movie, the Odyssey for example, I became completely absorbed in a single scene. It involved interlinking a one eyed giant, a herd of sheep, soldiers from an ancient world and tying this scenario effortlessly to a cave.

Internal excitement brews at the seamless nature of the scene, amplified by my fascination with the synchronised events. Immediately my mind marvels at the flow, the natural tension created. I feel a real life fear in that cave. Essentially the rest of the movie becomes a secondary consideration.

With this wonderment comes a distinct vulnerability, where a seemingly minor external pressure can consume my world. My nervous system generates the overwhelm, stress drowns my thoughts, soothing strategies wash away, I feel compromised and emotionally exposed. Like dominos falling, my internal temperature ratches up, breathing becomes shallow, information overwhelm ensues, all feeding the subsequent crash.

Similarly the external world may cause another significant distress, it does not follow their internal world will collapse. Yet I experience a narrow buffer between external disruption and internal stability, meaning external stressors can quickly overwhelm my inner world. This is not a consequence of lacking resilience but an adapted system of regulation crumbling under pressure.

In essence the obsession is constant, only the subject fluctuates. Some derive gratification from seeing a job bonus or new promotion further stimulate their bank account and revel in that process. My mind is focused on entirely different pursuits and such external rewards do not generate that sense of internal satisfaction.

Society presents major drivers for others which hold real tangible value. For me confusion surrounds their importance but not because I think others are wrong. Perhaps my divergence is less connected to others in how we construct value, rather than the value per say. This mind gravities towards relational discovery, ecstasy its reward when symmetry reveals itself.

I'd like to share ahead of time that I have level 1 autism. So, a few weeks ago, I wrote a note to his son, saying I wanted to surprise his dad (my manager) with food he likes and the note asks which restaurant he prefers. His son read the note out loud and asked his dad what he wanted. Wtf... the note said "write your answer here". It is pretty obvious that he wasn't supposed to read it out loud 🤦‍♀️. I am autistic and I would know that.

REPOSTING as it was buried! (idk if i’m allowed to do that sORRY!)

I am so confused, and overwhelmed

i am not sure where to even start with this post, but i have fewer and fewer people in my life who are interested in listening, or actually caring. i just need to get it out!

i am self identified autistic person (or suspecting autism), i want to get properly assessed soon. i’m coming into some extra funds and i will be able to afford the steep cost. but i am experiencing imposter syndrome. i’m going to share some things about myself, but know i’m leaving so much out because there’s just too much.

the way i move and exist in the world has always bothered people. so at around 5 years old i started to adapt, painstakingly, sacrificially, and sleepily. i got good at it too! as a young girl i was shy, marched to the beat of my own drum, and a brat. if this sounds familiar to you, you probably lived it too. looking back all of the signs were there, and i hold a lot of grief and mourn my younger self because she really needed to be seen.

i never made a true friend until grade 5, i spent lunch and recesses alone collecting rocks. the kids i knew “played” with me, but almost like a puppy. i never understood what they wanted from me. i never understood any jokes. my teachers never liked me either, i would yawn loudly in class, rock back and forth, vocally stim, and constantly bother people but i could never understand why they disliked me so much. i couldn’t understand why i could yawn at home but not at school, i was called rude, annoying, disrespectful, and shy. i’m using yawning loudly as an example because there were a lot of things i would do to regulate myself that i could do at home but not at school. i would tie my sweater around my head tightly so i could focus on lessons as the lights were too bright and the room smelled too much and the hum of the electricity in the room was deafening. my teachers didn’t like it when i did that and i would do poorly on tests as i had such a hard time paying attention in class without the buffer. there are a million things in the scope of accessibility services that could’ve been done so i wouldn’t have been as disruptive to other students. and if those things would have been in place maybe i wouldn’t have learned so early on that my existence is upsetting. i was bullied from grade 1-12. i started using negative self talk about myself in grade one, and stopped talking at school until grade 3/4.

my home life was full of constant spinning, laying on floors when possible, putting heavy objects on top of me (coffee tables, chairs, heavy textbooks), farming blankets (picking the fluff off of them and creating a fluff farm but it got problematic lmao), rocking, vocal stims, and speaking every thought i had during the day that i held in. sometimes i would just come home and fall asleep, which i’ve been told is strange for a 7-8 year old who is supposed to have so much energy. i was always just so tired. the smallest things would lead to meltdowns, hair brushing, touching dry towels with dry hands, blenders, vacuums, smells. i could probably explain a million more things but this post is already too long.

high school was tough, i got into substances because isn’t it so amazing that you can drink something or smoke something and suddenly its easier to just, be? i’m happy to announce i’m sober now but, god it was rough. i made a lot of friends during the era of substances but those friendships were fiercely codependent on mutual annihilation through misery needs company. a lot of bad things happened though, (SA), and i never dealt with it because i didn’t understand it. this is relevant in a moment. BUT! i got three solid friends though, so that’s a wonderful thing to come out of high school.

i also was able to hold down a retail job for seven years, my manager was so relaxed? i guess? (or barely there) so i was able to run around the block when i needed to, go sit in a dark room for 5 mins when i needed to, and i actually got really good at speaking to customers and just random people? i got too good though, it took everything out of me to do 6 9-5 shifts every week. i stopped hanging out with friends, or doing anything at all. including showering, brushing my teeth, etc. dry shampoo and gum and perfume became so important. i lost friends because they didn’t understand why i was so tired, they seemed to always be able to do so much after work. and be people.

in a sick sort of domino effect everything came crashing down a couple years ago, my father died, i had dissociative episodes, every awful thing that was said or done to me came crashing down on me in a way that knocked me entirely on my ass. i had to stop working, i had to stop everything. panic attacks, night terrors, depression, it was everything all at once, and it still is.

i’m in therapy now, i am also in college, i want to be a writer one day. i’m doing a little bit better. and i want to get assessed so i can maybe have some closure or have the piece of paper that says the diagnosis so people believe me. so my friends believe me. they dismiss my autistic struggles entirely and consistently. i just don’t talk about it anymore. i cover it up. and i don’t want to anymore. i want to be me. i want to be seen and heard and not feel so much shame and embarrassment. when
i’m having a hard time because of it i am the furthest thing from validated, i’m called annoying, avoidant, and weird. these all too familiar words hurt my feelings. if i’m not doing well they don’t believe me, if i’m doing too well they especially don’t believe me. i’m not gonna perform my lowest moments just to be believed either. i just- i know it’s probably not that deep.

i love my friends, they do care about me. i just feel like they don’t know me at all sometimes. i guess i both wanted to rant and also ask if getting assessed is a good idea for me, if it will help with some of these problems i’m having. chances are it might not change anything! but if i can call myself autistic proudly, instead of all of the horrible words i’ve been given for my entire being, i think i would be okay with that.

anyways thank you for reading this long essay, i really appreciate it, i have a hard time putting into words what exactly my problem is. i just want to be seen i suppose.

thank you!

So in middle school I really liked the character Tsukasa Tenma from Project Sekai, he was my favourite and I always played the game as him. And if you don't know pjsk, on characters' bdays if you attend their shows you receive a title you can add to your profile. I REALLY wanted Tsukasa's title. So on his birthday I hopped on the game and waited for the show to start but for some reason my mom decided that I had to study on that very specific day without any phone or Ipad. But obviously I didn't listen to that and while pretending to study I hid my Ipad under my pillow and waited. But then my mom suddenly wanted me to hand over my Ipad to make sure I will study and when I didn't listen to her, she just took it herself and got so angry when she saw that the game was open and didn't even listen to me and just took the Ipad away. Technically I could get the title next year as well since its a birthday title and it's not limited, but I REALLY wanted it so I cried non stop for 2 hours. And when I finally calmed down my mom awkwardly entered the room, gave me half assed hug and gave me back the Ipad (good thing I wasn't too late and got the title).

So was this a meltdown or not?

I'm also diagnosed Aspie (now ASD1).