Ginamit lang nila ako.

Lately, I saw a post about sa isang facility na pinapaclose nila dahil sa iligal na operasyon. May nakita akong isang clip na galing sa akin mismo. For context, nag-uundercover ako ng imbestigasyon para sa mga hayop. May hidden cam ako na nakakabit sa katawan ko escpecially sa butones ng polo. At dahil assignment ko ay tungkol sa mga aso, itong pasilidad na ito ang tinarget ko dahil kilalang kilala siya. Wala rin akong choice dahil kung wala akong mahanap, wala akong sasahurin eh. Eh may mha rescued din ako na umaasa lang sakin.

Mga nakita ko lang na sa tingin ko ang mali ay yung force breeding ng hayop at yung pag-enclosed sa kanila sa kulungan tapos yung iba nasa labas lalo na sa tirik na araw. And may mga exotic animals sa area na yung iba ay walang papel. The rest okay naman. Alagang-alaga naman ng mga staff dun at kita naman na walang sugat o matamlay. May mga rescued din silang strays. Until yung kliyente ko, which is yung manager ng imbestigasyon sa company na to, nagpush na iparaid at ipasara ito.

Then after months, nangyari nga. Yung una tuwang tuwa ako dahil achievement yun sa buhay ko. This is my first time na nangayri sa tala ng buhay ko. Pero napaisip ako after nun. Paano na ang mga hayop na nandun? Tinanong ko yung kliyente ko. Ang sabi niya na kung papayagan sila ng DENR or BAI, sila daw bahala sa pag-adopt. Nagtanong ulit ako. Sabi ko, "paano yung mga hindi inampon?". Sabi sakin, "...euthanization". Nagtataka ako bakit papatulugin habang buhay kung malakakas naman yung mga nandun? I still have my copy din ng mga nakuhaan ko and all I can say na mukha silang healthy that time.

Tinuloy ko pa rin yung trabaho ko after a few months pero sa ibang assignment naman until one day, tinanggal kagad nila ako. Hindi ko alam kung sinasadya nila pero nahahalata ko na nung mga nakaraang buwan ay may kutob na ako na tatangalin ako kaya naghahanap ako ng trabaho while working with them. Nandyan yung micromanaging, kinekwestyon na yung mga oras na tinrabaho ko na hindi naman nangyari noon, pinapa-onsite ako kahit na wala naman silang spare na gamit for me, tinatambakan ako ng trabaho tuwinf weekends tapos pasahan kagad sa Monday morning, nagiging iritable na yung kliyente ko, naubos na yung task ko in a way na nagtatanong ako palagi kung anong next task ko, etc.

Nung tinanggal nila ako, na-realize ko na ginamit lang nila ako. From my interview, sabi sakin na trial lang daw tong ginagawa ko then they will update me for regularization. Tangina one year na pero trial pa rin at saktong one year tinanggal din ako. Siguro matagal na nilang gawain ito. Kaya pala independent contractor lagi ang hinahire nila. Tapos malaman-laman ko last few months na hiring sila na same role pero iniba lang yung job title.

Kung hindi lang ako desperado noon, hindi ko sana kukunin tong trabahong to. Araw-araw pa ako nagsisinungaling sa identity ko para sa mga iniimbestigahan ko. Wala rin akong napala sa kanila kundi yung sahod lang na medyo malaki kumpara sa sahod ko bago sa trabahong ito.

This is less about my actual friends and more about my situation with friends/making friends.

I recently turned 30, and di ako sure if this is some kind of midlife crisis. Ive been getting this feeling of wanting to reconnect with my friends from grade school/high school. Maybe because mga current friends ko are provinces away, but Ive been feeling very lonely. Nag elyu trip lang kami recently ng friends ko, and that feeling became worse.

Since Im yearning to make connections, I decided to look at their profiles but man... I feel so behind them. Marami sa kanila may asawa na or traveling/working abroad or have successes in their careers. Meanwhile, andito ako struggling with my life. I know na life is not a race, that everyones goals are different. But its undeniable that I feel this wild mix of emotions.

Because of this feelings of inferiority, I ended up not reaching out. It made me think why I stopped being friends with them. And sure enough, I blame a lot of it at myself when I kno2 I shouldnt be. People drift apart and thats a fact of life. Sometimes I wonder, how different life would be if I made more efforts to stay friends with them.

Perhaps I just need new friends. I do know na gusto ko lang naman lumabas paminsan minsan after work to have coffee or dinner with friends. Ang hirap lang talaga maghanap ng bagong kaibigan for me as an introvert. I know I need to make an effort, especially since I have niche interests/hobbies. But man does it feel so daunting to do so...

Hindi naman yan siya ganyan noon when I was courting her. Napaka fit niyan kasi naging Mutya pa sa lugar namin. Pero ngayon napapansin kong ang taba na niya. Nakakawalang gana tuloy dahil gusto ko sana healthy life style din ang partner ko. Sinabihan ko na siya about her weight pero parang nagagalit lang at naiinis. Inaaya ko siya mag walking sa umaga every weekend pero sobrang tamad unlike noon. So hindi ko alam if mag ccontinue pa ba yung weight gain niya or what. Pero sana dahil ayokong mapuno at hiwalayan siya.

Hi! Pa rant lang po. I am currently a TESDA student,bread and pastry production. Ever since high school,I really wanted to learn how to bake. Alam naman natin na medyo pricy ang ingredients so I can’t be a student of google and youtube. I’ve been looking for this opportunity and now that I have it,my husband is against it. He tantrums about so many things,but I know this is the heart of it. Masama ba ugali ko iung mawalan ako ng pakialam at i continue ko to? I’d be a hypocrite if I will stop just because of his feelings. Wala lang. just wanna rant

I have been talking to this guy, and he's very consistent in assuring me sa lahat na pwede kong pag overthink, lahat naka update since ldr. And here I am nag uupdate lang if convenient, at least yan ang paniniwala niya.

Never siya naging for convenience lang. Na uupdate if kaya pero since red flag nga ako, nakakalimutan. He kept count and strike 3 I was out. Sharing this random here kasi ang hirap at ang bigat.

So roughly about a month ago, I met and formed a small circle of friends sa discord because of Valorant. I recently just got back and of course, I was happy at first na I met a fellow girl sa Valorant.

Pero. Many games later. Parang pansin ko, at her big age (mid thirties and mind you, may anak na siya) napaka pick me girl niya.

To elaborate, first game namin, she barely talked to me only sa mga boys na kausap namin. At first, I thought na baka close niya kasi yung mga boys pero pansin ko talaga na she’d rather hold a conversation, and repeat a topic of her liking with the guys that were in the vc. Its come to a point na kunware iba ma topic namin, uulitin parin niya yung topic na nais niya, she’d call one of the guys, making sure that she had his attention.

Tas now that its been a few weeks? Kabisado ko na lahat ng mga daily na sinasabi niya. May anak na siya pero everyday, she mentions ma she’s 4’11, she’s petite, mga size niya daw pambata, kesyo dami daw nag ddm sa kanya makipag duo, kesyo na sobrang lakas daw niya sa dota and how she full on repeats her stories ng mga exes niya, mga MUs niya, tas mga nanligaw daw sa kanya. Its tiring ngl. Wala pa nga don yung part na N word enjoyer siya. Tho, sige wala na ako magagawa don, pansin ko lng talaga na our conversations always have to circulate around her. Nakakainis lang at one point. Idk if i can tolerate it or what.

Being chronically online made these encounters common for me on a daily basis. People may judge me on this but idk why i like talking to them and sharing my problems with them, may certain comfort these conversation brings to me.

There was even a time where i considered meeting up with someone IRL, but havent done yet since a lot of holdbacks and guilt running through my mind.

I feel dirty and bad for myself.

For years, people have shown how cruel and proudly dumb they can be. Due to this, i have also seen how cruel people can be to innocent creatures such as dogs who want nothing but show love, even if we dont give it back. I feel more sad seeing a dog perish in an accident, fire, calamity. Than to hear or see people perish, especially if it was very avoidable.

i've been thinking about this a lot lately... i never realized i had so many goals i wanted to achieve before 2026 ends. i just want to live peacefully and do so many things with my life right now. the people around me give me so much motivation to look forward to tomorrow. i never thought i was actually loved by them, and never knew they cared this much... i was just too blinded by my past to see it.

everything recently has felt so fluttering, happy, and hopeful. i have so many plans now and i don't want to ruin myself anymore. just a few weeks ago, i wanted to die, but god didn't let me. and now, right when i finally wish to live... it feels like he's giving me a punishment for wanting to stay.

what did i do wrong? i neglected my body for months, and i never thought it would backfire the exact moment i started looking forward to the future. my dad almost cried when he found out about my situation. he tried so hard to stay strong for me, and i knew it... i love my dad so much, and i don't want to leave him either. i might be overreacting, but i could see how scared he was, and that makes me so terrified of what's going to happen next.

​when i got home today, all my favorite foods were prepared for me. seeing that makes me just want to stay positive in life instead of overthinking things i never wanted to happen. i hate having this weak body so much, but i just want to live for my family and my friends. i want to live and be happy. please... i hope He lets me stay because i really, really want to, and i'll do my best to get healthy again, i promise. i don't want to die yet. please, just let me live.

This was almost 20 years ago, around the age of a Nokia 5110 hehe.

I just remembered kasi trending uli ung 10 Things I Hate About You. I despised the movie noon.

Anyways, the title. A friend back in elementary had paid someone from a different school to “court” me via text, as a prank.

She was the pretty, rich friend in the group. Chinita. Ligawin kahit ng mga highschool. Soft-spoken. Very refined. Very rich. Very smart, nasa top 5. Mahilig manlibre. Puno ng chocolates ung drawer nya sa room, ung Maltesers. Kahon kahon.

I was the malaking bulas girl. Not pretty. Saktuhan lang. Not very poor, hindi din middle class, somewhere in between. Saktong matalino lang, with honors.

Nung grade 6 kami she paid someone from a different school na itextmate ako. I had a fone at the time, regalo ng auntie ko. Pero mahal load dati de-card pa haha.

So me as a mkwento girly I shared what happened. Excited silang lahat, kilig ganun haha. Anyway, this friend. Sabi nya replyan ko daw. Binigyan nya pa ako ng load! So ako reply reply. Hahaha. Had fun, kilig kilig. After 1 wk for some reason nakonsensya ata sya. Sinabi nya na ung nagttext sakin binayadan nya to text me and ligawan ako. Kung marunong na ako magmura nun namura ko na sya, haha. Pero I was a pushover and said okay lang, pero deep inside nahurt ako haha. Pero ginaslight ko sarili ko that time - sbe ko ay binigyan nya pa ako ng load haha.

Pero a few months after that, nakidnap ung tatay nya. Nasa news to dati. Ayon pinatay din eventually. Lumipat ng school, lumipat ng bahay, tapos I heard sa grapevine na she became a gambling addict, borrowing 500 pesos in the middle of the night sa lahat ng contacts nya. Naawa ako. Nasira buhay nya. Pero pag naiisip ko may konting satisfaction. Kasi nanakit sya, bata pa lang kami. ON PURPOSE.