Could it be that we have misunderstood intimacy and sex in so many ways? I am not talking about the usual conservative attitudes that leave people in the dark about their own bodies and minds. I am talking about something much deeper.
It started with a conversation I had with a woman I used to chat with during our breaks. We enjoyed each other's company, and one day she mentioned that as a woman, she had a hard time dealing with men. Even her own husband. She just could not let her guard down. She was not raised to hate men or to avoid them, but her mind simply could not be at ease. She explained that just being alone in the same room with a man felt threatening to a certain degree. This included her husband, whom she loved very much. We discussed what it would take to make her feel better, but nothing seemed to work. The difference in physical strength, combined with the fact that you can never truly know what is going on in someone else's head, made it impossible for her to fully let go.
That conversation completely changed how I view relationships and intimacy. It is supposed to be the ultimate human connection, but it usually happens in a closed off heterosexual setting where one person is physically much stronger. And this happens in a situation where you literally have to let go to feel any real connection and pleasure. On some level, there is likely a deeply rooted fear of something going wrong. It might not even matter if the man is the kindest and sweetest person in the world, it just will not be enough.
This makes me wonder: are we so focused on isolating intimacy, and especially sex, from public discourse that it has become this dark corner of reality where no one is checking in on you? Is it the monogamous, perhaps patriarchal, culture that reinforces the expectation that it must be an almost solitary experience, one that cannot be shared or collectively evaluated? For most people, I assume, privacy in intimacy is meant to create a safe space for vulnerability. But when that space is completely severed from the rest of the community, it removes any external safety net.
I am not saying that monogamy or privacy is inherently the problem, or am I? While it is important to protect oneself from predators and to maintain personal integrity, are we perhaps too lonely and isolated? Is society protecting a form of ritualized isolation, when what is actually needed is support to balance the dynamic between two individuals who possess very different capacities in a dynamic that can make sex unequal, or at worst, fatal?
Some might argue that power imbalances go far beyond physical strength, but if anything, that only makes the isolation worse, not better. Furthermore, if we allow a deep, self preserving anxiety to ferment in silence simply to make men feel more comfortable, we are actively ignoring a natural survival instinct. Shielding the male ego should never come at the cost of burying a fundamental need for safety.
It would be nice to have an open discussion about how we can balance this collectively reinforced inequality. What radical change to intimacy and the sexual script is necessary for the community to provide the support that will actually make women feel safe? For now, I think many of us, if not most people, live with a cognitive dissonance that normalizes a dynamic where one person lives at the mercy of another, under the guise of love or friendship. It is a love that is very real for so many of us, but the threat facing so many people in completely normal relationships is equally real.