Disclaimer: Just to be clear, this is satirical. This is not an accurate representation of how research labs function. Please don't use this post to inform your decision on whether to work in academia.

Since a lot of people at Hopkins work or volunteer in research labs, I thought that I might write an explanation of the types of people who work in these labs. People who are thinking of joining a lab can use this to decide whether they want to join or not. For the sake of credibility, I have been working in the same lab for the past 86 years, so I know what I am talking about.

The PI (Principal Investigator):

• has an IQ of 684, exactly three times the IQ that Wikipedia lists as the highest ever recorded.
• publishes 525600 papers a year (i.e. a paper a minute)
• is secretly part of the circus

The PhD Student:

• is miserable
• cries everyday on their friends' shoulders
• all their friends are imaginary, including their SO
• is also broke

The Undergrad Research Assistant:

• has an IQ equal to the value of the Planck constant in SI units, which is 6.626 * 10^(-34)
• uses HopGPT for everything
• gets paid at the generous rate of 1 nickel atom per hour

The Animal Subjects:

• are secretly plotting against the humans working in the lab
• plan to "squish)" the humans
• try to act cute to avoid suspicion. Even the C. elegans try to act cute

The Research Engineer:

• acts as IT Support, Mechanical Engineer, Electrical Engineer, and Programmer all in one person
• doesn't get paid
• works 72/21 --- 72 hours a day, 21 days a week

The Safety Person:

• is both the person everyone hates and the person who keeps the lab from shutting down
• checks to see if the humans, animals, and mold on the bread are all safe
• when they find someone in the lab being unsafe, they defenestrate them

The Couple:

• their first date is feeding the animal subjects together
• their second date is assembling the microscopes together
• their third date is getting infected by C. elegans together (C. elegans apparently don't infect humans, animals, and plants, so idk how this is possible)
• all their dates take place in the lab, so when they are in the lab, nobody wants to be there

does anyone have any advice on what to expect? i really need to do well on this one after the first practical, but they basically just told us to study the entirety of experiment 3 (copper synthesis) and 4 (boiling/freezing point determination, this one was online), but what could they possibly have us do in 80 minutes?

if anyone has any tips/advice/insight(?) on what to expect and how to study, it would be greatly appreciated, tia :)

I'm a freshman, and I saw that Developmental Genetics Lab had course restrictions, specifically to Biology and MolCell majors. Does this mean that only people who have already declared (so not freshmen) can take that lab class, or do you have to be a Biology or MolCell major to take the lab class?

I also saw that in the past Developmental Genetics Lab has been offered over the summer, but it's online? I was just wondering how that works, and if it would be worth taking it over the summer rather than during the academic year

tldr: is the dev. genetics lab only open to bio/molcell majors (so not any other major and not freshmen bc we haven't declared yet)? how does dev. genetics lab work online over the summer?

Hi, I'm applying to JHU as ED1 and need help with the supplemental essay.

Anyone willing to give me advice or briefly share what you wrote about?

does anyone have a backtest for midterm 2 for pearlman or roberson

Are the intersession in-person or online? How long do they meet each day? Can the credits be applied to major/minor, or are just simply foundations classes?

I've decided to ED 1 to Hopkins, the deadline being in just over a week, and I'm starting to have serious doubts. I chose Hopkins because it is close to home (just a state away), known for its world-class medical school and premed program, and overall an amazing, top school. Also, my parents are encouraging me to apply. Our household income is high enough that I don't qualify for need-based financial aid anywhere, and my parents would rather not be stuck paying hundreds of thousands of dollars for a school that they don't consider the cream of the crop.

However, I have heard all the horror stories. Not just from anonymous posters online, but also through first-hand accounts from current and past Hopkins students. They say that the area is dangerous and boring, the pre-med culture is toxic and cutthroat, and the overall vibes of the campus are just plain miserable. I'm someone who tends to struggle under intense pressure, and honestly, I'm terrified.

As I've been researching other schools on my list, I've fallen in love with several of them. Schools like Emory, USC, and WashU seem to have more collaborative student bodies and similar opportunities for premeds. I think I'm a decently competitive applicant (4.6W/3.9 UW, 1540 SAT, considerable leadership and awards), but not to the extent where I'd have a solid chance of getting into these schools through RD or even EA.

I've brought this up with my parents, but they don't want me to tie myself to an expensive school so far from home that is not, in their opinion, on par with Hopkins. I just want to go somewhere where I will be happy and succeed as a premed.

Hello everyone, I am quickly approaching my final semester and am looking for recommendations.

The whole Capstone thing is really confusing to me and I would like everyone's opinion on which is better, how they work, etc.

Also which professor is best for Chem 302, or if anyone has taken 302 at Brightpoint what was your opinion on it.

Thanks!

Hi everyone! I'm looking for someone to take over my studio apartment in Mount Vernon (near Peabody) starting in late November 2026.

I've really enjoyed living here, especially the floor-to-ceiling windows, natural light, and convenient access to both JHU campuses!

Quick Details:

• Rent: ~$1,500/month (utilities + Wi-Fi included)
• Available: Late November 2026 – August 2027 (option to renew)
• Location: Mount Vernon, near Peabody
• Furniture: FREE! I'm happy to leave my bed frame, mattress, desk, chair, dining table + chairs, storage cabinet, and full-length mirror.

Apartment Features:

• Floor-to-ceiling windows with great views and lots of natural light
• In-unit washer & dryer
• Hardwood floors, A/C, dishwasher, and microwave
• Elevator, gym, parking garage, and secure package room
• Responsive landlord and maintenance team

Great for JHU Students:

• 5-minute walk to a JHU shuttle stop
• Within Homewood Night Ride and East Baltimore ride service areas
• Convenient access to both Homewood and East Baltimore campuses

Neighborhood:

Mount Vernon is a lovely neighborhood with lots of coffee shops, restaurants, and bars within walking distance. I've really enjoyed living here!

Happy to share more photos, videos, or details. Feel free to DM me if you're interested! :)

Hi all!

I will be attending JHUs MSN Entry program this spring 27! I am very excited to start however having trouble finding a roommate and other people in my cohort to connect with.

If you guys know of any Facebook groups or discord where people in my cohort are connecting please let me know!

I’m getting a lil nervy bc I need to find housing soon lol

(I know about most Facebook groups but feel like no one in my program is posting)

Hi everyone! I'm looking for someone to sublet my fully furnished master bedroom in a 2B2B apartment while I'm away for an internship.

Location: 2-minute walk to JHMI shuttle on Homewood campus (goes to Penn Station, Peabody, School of Medicine, etc.); DM for details

Dates: end of Dec - end of Aug, 2027 (flexible, late December or Jan move-in, spring-only sublets considered)

Rent: $1,200/month, including WiFi and all utilities

Apartment details:

• Furnished master bedroom with private bathroom (Queen bed, standing desk, IKEA revolving chair)
• Spacious 2B2B apartment
• Shared living room and kitchen
• Just steps away from JHU Homewood Campus
• 2-minute walk to the JHMI shuttle stop
• Shared with one current roommate (Female)
• Building amenities include: gym, laundry room, rooftop pool, 24-hour security

Ideal for JHU students, visiting students and researchers, or anyone looking for convenient, furnished housing near Homewood with easy access to the Peabody and medical campus.

Please DM me for photos, additional details, or questions! Happy to answer.

i’ve always wanted to go to jhu for some unknown reason so i’ve never really doubted my ED choice until i saw the reactions of ppl when i said i would ED to hopkins, generally “omg why would u do that to urself” or they just assume i want to be a doctor

-how related is JHU and APL? im also leaning towards JHU because of APL. is there generally a pipeline/more opportunities for engineering students @ jhu?)

-does upenn ivy status carry a lot of weight? -duke is one of the few top engineering schools that i’ve seen that aren’t seen as evil, why is that?

my woes: from what i’ve heard general consensus is that all of these (other than duke?) are very sad and the coursework is impossible and you just study study study + evil grade deflation (especially for cmu? but that pays off later or smth, and im worried that im just not smart enough 😭😭)

i think i would have a pretty good shot of getting in these schools for ED, so i would appreciate some advice!

things i value: -job placement / internships -overall happiness / social life (not necessarily like big big parties but someplace to have some fun and yk experience college)

Applied to the Bay Area one and decisions are supposed to come out this week. If I haven’t heard back, have I been rejected?

Should I apply ED1 with a 1450 (Split: 760RW/690M) or retake in November and apply through ED2?

I know that you can send a new SAT score through college board but there's no guarantee that the admissions office will see it in time or if they would consider it even if they do see it.

I'm not confident that I can get to a 1550 but I think I could get to/break 1500s. I'm also not too happy with split itself and how my math hasn't even broken the 700s.

i’m a junior looking for a sublet for this coming spring, preferably mid-to-late december through late may! i have some flexibility on either end, especially move-in. if you have a sublet that fits or know someone who does, please message me and i’d love to discuss further!

anyone feel like they don't belong here? i'm a freshie and i honestly think i don't belong here, that i got in on some fluke because they felt bad for me

my classes are so hard and i do so much work for them (just for me to not do good). because of which i can't do anything else, like clubs, research because i just want a not horrible gpa ... and im aspiring md-phd and so many people around me are getting interviews, meetings, positions, and i literally barely have time to eat forget work, clubs...

Looking for off-campus housing next year. All the units are currently occupied, so they're not offering tours right now, but I was wondering if I could ask some questions to a current/former resident.

Thanks!

Help! Trying to figure out what classes to take. Would Any upperclassmen like to share their 4 year plan? Would love to see some as reference. Please and thank you!

So I'm currently a freshman majoring in BME, and I just joined this research lab on the med campus about two weeks ago. A couple of days ago, I talked to a senior in BME at a pre-health event, and when I mentioned my PI's name, she told me he rarely lets undergrads add their names to publications from that lab. I know that it's only been two weeks, but what should I do? Should I talk to my research mentor about it? Should I switch to another, more open lab?

There's a lot of student initiative in each club. There's advertisements on some of the initiatives can count towards clinical volunteering. Which initiatives are more worth while and/or more developed?

Are the SLTs worth the 2k?

anyone have elements of macroecon tests from previous years? they posted so minimal stuff for practice this time and i be needed an a this time around...

Group interview for priors is this weekend, and I feel both prepared but also severely underprepared and really nervous...

does anyone have any advice? is there anything i should focus on (skills, things like burn charts/med dosages, specific parts of calls, radio/handoff reports, etc)? how does the group interview work (like do they just do a bunch of mock calls, or is there like a skills sheet or protocol quiz or nremt-style questions)? roughly how many people get invited for a 1 on 1 interview?

any insight on what to expect/advice on how to study would be appreciated so so so much, tia :)

tldr: how does the HERO group interview work (like what to expect), and what/how should i study?

Can you please share which off campus housing you choose and why? Any bad off campus housing to avoid?