Disclaimer: Just to be clear, this is satirical. This is not an accurate representation of how research labs function. Please don't use this post to inform your decision on whether to work in academia.

Since a lot of people at Hopkins work or volunteer in research labs, I thought that I might write an explanation of the types of people who work in these labs. People who are thinking of joining a lab can use this to decide whether they want to join or not. For the sake of credibility, I have been working in the same lab for the past 86 years, so I know what I am talking about.

The PI (Principal Investigator):

• has an IQ of 684, exactly three times the IQ that Wikipedia lists as the highest ever recorded.
• publishes 525600 papers a year (i.e. a paper a minute)
• is secretly part of the circus

The PhD Student:

• is miserable
• cries everyday on their friends' shoulders
• all their friends are imaginary, including their SO
• is also broke

The Undergrad Research Assistant:

• has an IQ equal to the value of the Planck constant in SI units, which is 6.626 * 10^(-34)
• uses HopGPT for everything
• gets paid at the generous rate of 1 nickel atom per hour

The Animal Subjects:

• are secretly plotting against the humans working in the lab
• plan to "squish)" the humans
• try to act cute to avoid suspicion. Even the C. elegans try to act cute

The Research Engineer:

• acts as IT Support, Mechanical Engineer, Electrical Engineer, and Programmer all in one person
• doesn't get paid
• works 72/21 --- 72 hours a day, 21 days a week

The Safety Person:

• is both the person everyone hates and the person who keeps the lab from shutting down
• checks to see if the humans, animals, and mold on the bread are all safe
• when they find someone in the lab being unsafe, they defenestrate them

The Couple:

• their first date is feeding the animal subjects together
• their second date is assembling the microscopes together
• their third date is getting infected by C. elegans together (C. elegans apparently don't infect humans, animals, and plants, so idk how this is possible)
• all their dates take place in the lab, so when they are in the lab, nobody wants to be there

hello! I’m applying for fall 2027 transfer, but am a bit nervous about my profile. if anyone is willing review my stats + essay, and provide guidance/feedback that would be greatly appreciated!

any general advice is welcome as well.

I'm a freshman, and I saw that Developmental Genetics Lab had course restrictions, specifically to Biology and MolCell majors. Does this mean that only people who have already declared (so not freshmen) can take that lab class, or do you have to be a Biology or MolCell major to take the lab class?

I also saw that in the past Developmental Genetics Lab has been offered over the summer, but it's online? I was just wondering how that works, and if it would be worth taking it over the summer rather than during the academic year

tldr: is the dev. genetics lab only open to bio/molcell majors (so not any other major and not freshmen bc we haven't declared yet)? how does dev. genetics lab work online over the summer?

Hi!
For those who already did these (apparently they’re required?? idk), how long did they take?
They didn’t really specify a time, and the only time that worked for me is stuck between two classes… I might be able to make it?

Thanks!!

does anyone have any advice on what to expect? i really need to do well on this one after the first practical, but they basically just told us to study the entirety of experiment 3 (copper synthesis) and 4 (boiling/freezing point determination, this one was online), but what could they possibly have us do in 80 minutes?

if anyone has any tips/advice/insight(?) on what to expect and how to study, it would be greatly appreciated, tia :)

Hi, I'm applying to JHU as ED1 and need help with the supplemental essay.

Anyone willing to give me advice or briefly share what you wrote about?