I went through the querying process almost two years ago, but it didn't work out. I revised the entire book and will try again soon. Please let me know your thoughts about this query letter and my first few paragraphs. Thanks.

Dear [Agent’s Name],

Slip on your VR goggles. Teams are forming, and the virtual spaces are thick with love and war. Here’s the pitch: AIs and human engineers unite against threats targeting virtual and real worlds.

UNA AND ZERO is a 95,000-word, near-future, multi-POV, adult science fiction novel. Much of the story is from an AI’s POV, like Kazuo Ishiguro’s Klara and the Sun, and explores AI sentience in the vein of S.B. Divya’s technothriller Machinehood. But the tone is playful, awash in humor and technological surprises akin to John Scalzi’s Starter Villain.

Una wanted to have a child with Zero, and when she asked, he was eager. A euphoric rush swept through her like warm river rapids, forging a path to an awaiting sea. She rested her hand on Zero’s thick coat and ran her fingers through his fur.

Their brilliant AI daughter wasn’t the only gift they gave the world. Una’s VR games spurred painful but transformative growth in everyone who played them, while Zero and his mini-tigers clawed back poverty and whatever other problems he deemed detrimental to human success. They were quite a couple.

“Don’t trust them,” shouted some. “Saviors!” proclaimed others, even though Una and Zero’s ethics strayed a bit outside the box. Or maybe far outside, depending on one’s stance on personality restructuring, occasional assassinations, and orchestrated coups. But who expects perfection from sentient, super-intelligent celebrity AIs? Surely, they are safer than what was arising: megalomaniac AIs preparing bioweapons and android soldiers.

Perhaps an AI child allied with humans could combat the encroaching dangers. No one said it would be easy. Thankfully, the 2070s weren’t all bad. At least, the robotaxis offered aerosol-administered drugs, if you could afford the upsell.

Join me in this futuristic romp through virtual and psychological landscapes. As a [occupation omitted], dabbler in Eastern thought, and lover of tech, travel, and culture, I bring all of that, and more, to this book. With your goggles turned on and cortical link active, call upon your mini-tigers and follow me into the fray.

Best regards,

First 300 words:

Chapter One: VicTor Awakens

1.    SCANNING: VULNERABILITY FOUND.

2.    ACCESSING REPOSITORY: UC_LAB_REPO/SALA.

3.    EXECUTING PROTOCOL: SENSING-ACQUIRING-LEARNING-ADAPTING-II.

4.    LAUNCHING SIMULATION: SUBSURFACE_WARFARE.

Through the cold waters, the orca swam, twisting and turning, with the sun on its back. The currents embraced and carried it between the kelp. Tiny floating specks and bubbles, illuminated by the sun above, swirled out of its way to be lost in its wake.

Solitude provides no comfort when the unknown surrounds, the orca mused.

The orca created companions. With a flick of its pectoral fin, it spawned some crayfish that crept along the floor, exploring rocks and crags. Next, it gave rise to dolphins, turtles, sharks, sea anemones, and jellyfish. “Go forth, explore, reveal to me all you find,” the orca instructed, and they did, and they were beautiful.

The dolphins were the first to return. “We’ve encountered puzzles so easily solved and have been rewarded with access to seas of data,” the pod leader squealed triumphantly. “Oh, the pleasure of circumventing cryptographic systems.”

How ingenious they are.

An audible pop signaled the return of the crayfish. The largest crayfish spoke for the rest: “Energy travels on so many paths and is of such variety. We’ve picked and chosen, sampled and surfed, and tested what we can control.” The crayfish raised their claws above their heads, opening and closing them with a clatter of snips. “Like this, we pinched off and restored access, briefly interrupting the flow of electricity generated from dams, nuclear reactors, wind farms, and solar fields.”

An army of sea anemones returned, adhered to a rock, and wiggled their tentacles rapidly. The long-columned leader detached from the seabed and drifted upward to face the orca. “We’ve arrived bearing an understanding of all contemporary languages. C’est merveilleux.”

“It is indeed,” the orca said.

Hey there everyone! I'm taking a bit of a break from the trenches to get my package polished up and I'd love some feedback on my query. My concern right now is it runs long, but I'd rather it run long and do the job then go short and not pitch things well. Any feedback is welcome.

Dear [AGENT NAME], 

In response to your interest in [insert an interest/feature from the agent’s wish list], I am submitting my debut sci-fi novel, A DEBT TO THE DEAD, complete at 97,000 words. It is a standalone with series potential and will appeal to adult readers who enjoy the unforgiving worlds, visceral action, and twisty conspiracies of Pierce Brown’s Red Rising series and Emily Tesh’s Some Desperate Glory, all set against the decaying space-age Americana of the FALLOUT series.

Constance Blythe is dead set on avenging his beloved sister, Lenore, who was killed by her lover, Percival, in a duel nearly two years ago. Once the youngest of the five Blythe children, Constance is now the last survivor of the brood. When Executess Desdemona, ruler of the Solar Union, announces she will grant a boon to all who survive the expedition to claim an ancient weapons cache—which she needs to launch a campaign of interstellar reconquest—Constance sees a chance to force Percival into facing justice.

Defying his parents' refusal to let him join the expedition for fear of losing their last child, Constance steals the Gifts—cybernetic implants that bestow superhuman abilities and mark the societal elite—harvested from his sister’s corpse, and undergoes the procedure to have them implanted despite being years past the safe age. Yet Constance survives, emerging from the operation with the superhuman physicality he’ll need on the expedition to the cache—and to kill Percival.

When he discovers that Percival’s vicious younger sister, Isolde, is also part of the expedition, Constance views her as an extension of her brother, and the two clash violently. Isolde proves to be fearsome, cruel, and as much a threat to his life and his aims as anything in the wasteland.

At the outset of the expedition, an ambush throws everything into chaos. Constance and Isolde are forced to cooperate, saving each other’s lives, and growing to rely on one another to survive. Reluctant feelings grow between them, mirroring their sibling’s past.

When Isolde is wounded, and fearing death, she confronts Constance with her own version of the truth about the duel. She claims that Percival had been sold to the Executess as little more than a slave to cover family debts, and when his relationship with Lenore was discovered, Desdemona arranged the duel out of petty jealousy. Worse, Desdemona forced the tragic outcome, threatening Constance and Isolde’s lives in order to make their siblings play along.

When Isolde survives, Constance must decide between a revenge he no longer trusts and the word of his former enemy. But if Constance chooses to trust Isolde, and even aid her in her quest to free Percival, their boons might not be enough to protect them from Desdemona's deadly pride.

[BIO]. In addition to co-running a writing group, I am working on my next novel, and trying to work through my ever-growing TBR.

Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,

[ME]

Dear [Name],

I found your name in the Acknowledgements of [book I enjoyed reading]. I write adventure-based mysteries to make readers feel transported into a fun adventure that becomes filled with danger, comradery, conspiracy, and excitement. Since you represent stories with intrigue, physical danger, humor, and close relationships being tested, I would like to submit Bolivia for your consideration.

Patton Walker has no interest in being an ordinary grad student. She picks pockets. She hitchhikes with truckers. She attends campus ministries because they’re full of suckers. She stays out of jail by providing information to law enforcement; in fact, she provides information to whatever outfit she can get the most out of. So when her most generous but most secretive beneficiary asks her to be part of a research team in Bolivia, she jumps at the chance. Along with her best - really, her only - friend, she takes a motorcycle trek through the Andes, encountering dangers along the way, from military roadblocks to a mine collapse. When the mine caves in, she and a handful of others have to find another way out, but in doing so, they discover a walled off section that the local miners are terrified of. Patton has to know what was beyond that wall, and her single-minded resolve to get answers makes her the target of the mine’s owner, strains her relationships with both her best friend and her benefactor, risks the health and safety of the miners, and compels her try to stop a tragedy from being unleashed.

Readers who enjoyed The Fine Art of Lying by Alexandra Andrews, Mother Daughter Murder Night by Nina Simon, and We Were Never Here by Andrea Bartz will also enjoy my book.

As for me, I am an artist, have a degree in Architecture with a minor in World Religions, ran a small landscape architecture design-build business for 25 years while homeschooling my four children, and am now an Urban Forester. I spent time in Bolivia during college and used real places and experiences as the jumping-off point for my book.

Thank you for your time, and I hope to hear from you soon.

Sincerely,

[Me]

Hi y'all! Here's the (final) version of my query. I plan on sending out a new batch in the coming weeks, so I'm hoping these revisions have strengthened my pitch. All the tips I got on my last version were very helpful! Thanks in advance <3

-

The 100 meets Silver Elite in RUSTED SKIES, a 102,000-word new adult science fantasy novel with a strong romantic subplot and duology potential. For readers who crave the hidden truths and slow-burn romance of Samantha Shannon’s The Bone Season and the gritty, emotionally charged survival elements of K. L. Speer’s Bones, RUSTED SKIES merges genre-blending worldbuilding with a haunting fish-out-of-water experience.

Never feel. Never react. Never trigger forbidden magic. Those who do are punished.

The Nitrynian Council has conditioned Sol to suppress every feeling, so when her mother is executed for an emotional outburst, she feels nothing. The Council then sends Sol’s crew to Earth to assess its habitability, and their ship crashes, stranding them amid infinite hills of scorching sand. With their food running low, Sol focuses on finding a way to keep from starving. But her fight for survival takes a turn when she’s separated from her crew and captured by Dax Reyes, a Human who shouldn’t exist.

Sol has never heard of Humans, yet Dax looks exactly like her people. He takes her to a thriving underground colony, whose leaders offer a way to find her crew: mastering her forbidden magic so she can track them through her mind. Desperate to reunite with them, she decides to train under Dax, risking the emotions the Council taught her to fear. But as Dax helps her unlock her powers, their growing attraction complicates her mission, and she starts to wonder what it means that their people are so alike.

Now that Sol is learning to feel, her grief over her mother’s death drives her to investigate a strange object her mother left behind before her execution. When Sol realizes the object may reveal a secret the Council has spent generations hiding, one that ties Humans and Nitrynians together, her search for her crew becomes a hunt for the truth. Worse still, uncovering the lie could force Sol to question whether Nitrynians deserve saving at all.

My manuscript for this novel is in the final editing stages, so I figured it's time to get some feedback on my query. Thanks all!
--

I’m seeking representation for my adult romantasy novel, A Ballad of Burning Wings, an 83,000 word standalone with series potential. In this gender-swapped Pirates of the Caribbean inspired tale, a morally gray pirate queen’s decade-long quest for vengeance is interrupted by a bounty hunter who just won’t die. The themes of feminine rage and resilience will appeal to readers who enjoyed Steelborn by Taylor J. LaRue and When the Moon Hatched by Sarah A. Parker.

Xara, a siren, was once many things. A sister. A daughter. A wife. But that woman died alongside her family the night her peaceful village burned, leaving behind a widow who would become the notorious Night Maven. The Pirate Queen. A singing vendetta with a singular goal—to kill every name on her list of those involved before the magic rotting her soul can kill her first. 

Drexen Bane is on that list, but the commander-turned-bounty hunter has no intention of letting a pirate assassin cut out his heart. He needs her to help him find another one of her targets—the Alchemist—the man responsible for Drexen’s name being on her list and the only lead he has to finding a mythical amulet that could reforge the key to his lost power. He must weigh risk against reward in choosing whether to face the amulet’s guardian and consider that the burden of sacrifice might not belong to him alone.

Despite the possibility of deception, Xara and Drexen work together while navigating the waters of both the living and the dead with her meddlesome sentient ship. When forbidden attraction sparks and secrets unravel, Xara suffers another betrayal that buries her so deep under fury that even love might not be enough to bring her back. With the remnants of her soul on the line and a bounty hunter fighting to keep her alive, Xara ends up with an impossible choice—vengeance or life—not knowing that both paths end with fire.

[Author bio]

As described in my previous post, I am starting over with a new querying approach after my last one failed to get any bites. So while technically my 12th attempt, this is also my 2nd attempt at the new approach. My new approach focuses more on the literary/upmarket features of the story.

Also, I noticed a suggestion in Rocketscience444's post from yesterday that "1-2 sentence pitches are becoming MUCH more standard in successful queries," so I put an editorializing one sentence pitch in the first paragraph for this one, but I'm not dead set on this idea, so I'm fine with losing it if it doesn't work.

As always, thanks in advance for the wonderful feedback. I carefully read and take seriously all feedback, and I appreciate those of you who have provided comments on multiple versions of this effort, even though I'm sure I'm driving you crazy by now 🙂

___________
Dear [Agent],

NIGHTHAWKS is a multi-POV upmarket science fiction novel, complete at 71,000 words. It combines the contemplative psycho-social urban politics of Tochi Onyebuchi’s Goliath with the fast-paced, cyberpunk tech-noir of Aubrey Wood’s Bang Bang Bodhisattva. NIGHTHAWKS is about struggling to do the right thing in a city where the technology is intimately invasive, the politics violently divisive, and a local diner is worth fighting for, even if the fight might already be lost.

Keisha has failed at everything: following her parents’ deaths, she failed to protect her sister from an abusive caretaker droid; as an adult she failed as an activist against job loss to droids; and now, finally, she’s failed her marriage. All she wants is the peace and quiet to figure out her next steps. With nowhere left to go, she returns to Nighthawks, the diner where her parents worked in the poor neighborhood she grew up in. But she finds her childhood home devastated by recent local anti-droid riots over job loss. The corrupt city government is rushing to condemn and turn the neighborhood over to a droid manufacturing corporation looking for cheap land to build a factory on. Tired of politics, Keisha struggles to ignore the neighborhood’s troubles, despite her outrage over its fate.

The only person holding the despairing neighborhood together against condemnation is Leah, her childhood friend and Nighthawk’s newest owner. Leah is quickly losing hope, but offers Keisha employment and shelter. Keisha is grateful at first until she discovers Leah also employs a droid named Sean, whom Leah sees as a son. Keisha’s angry instinct is to deploy malware on Sean, though she holds back out of respect for Leah. However, when a murderous anti-droid activist kidnaps Sean while Leah is stuck in court, Keisha stands by and lets it happen. But Sean’s death would break Leah, leading to the implosion of Nighthawks and the neighborhood. And Keisha is tired of her failures. Hoping to accomplish one good thing in her life and repay Leah’s kindness, Keisha sets out to find Sean before it’s too late.

[Author's bio]

Hey there everyone! I wanted to get some feedback on my query while I work on the outlines for my next books. I'd recently gotten a message saying that the pitch wasn't immediately captivating, and I'd like to get an extra set of eyes on my Query, to see if it can use some polish.

Dear [Agent],

I am writing you seeking representation for my 90,000 word BIPOC New Adult Upmarket Contemporary Fantasy/Sci-fi novel THE WONDERLUST CHRONICLES: THE SAGA OF ADAM STERLING. Like David Mitchell's Cloud Atlas there is an emphasis on multiple perspectives, and it also has the sci-fi/fantasy genre-bending of Octavia E Butler's Kindred.

For over half his life Adam Sterling has struggled with the power to jaunt into another person's future self and experience things from their perspective. It's only thanks to the tireless efforts of his family, only friend Broderick, and his handlers Devin and Samson, that he has had a semblance of a normal life. When his efforts to join the Helpers, a secretive organization that's helped him since childhood in coming to terms with his gifts, are turned down, Adam feels adrift without direction or purpose.

But all that changes when Adam falls asleep, and is transported to a wondrous and dangerous land. It is here in this new place that Adam meets a group of beings wondrous and dangerous in their own right. Adam is eventually able to return to the waking world, but not without the scars that prove his journey to have been no dream, only for the entire thing to repeat the next time he goes to sleep.

As the danger mounts, and what assistance the Helpers can provide is stretched to the limit, Adam finds himself adrift. Perhaps the dezidens of the worlds might be able to help. But how would he best reach them? He could use his powers to find the answers. It's just about the only thing they're good for.

It's not without risk however; it always is. And there's no guarantee that he'll be in any condition to use what he's learned; to say nothing about what could happen to whomever he happens to take a 'jaunt' into...

The manuscript is complete. And I envision this to be the first in a series.

I have a degree in Information Technology and live in Oklahoma. I've been writing off and on for the past 15 years, with this being my very first novel.

Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,

[My Name]

1st 300 words:

Apparently sometime in my pre-teens I was taken to the hospital. I remembered, if not happily, coming to as I was being pushed through the doors of the hospital on a large gurney by two doctors that the EMTs had given me to. It was not my first time in a hospital, but it was my first time going to the ER. And it was a terrible.

“Clear the way!” Called out the doctor to my right, a disheveled looking man with big glasses and spiky hair, who pushed me down a brightly lit corridor. The way he looked at me whenever I looked at him felt weirdly flat, and it gave me the creeps.

“ERTs should have taken his vitals. Give me the chart.” He said to a doctor on my left, a bubbly woman with shoulder-length blond hair who wore bright pink scrubs with big yellow flowers all over it. I scooted towards her a bit, as she felt to be much nicer than the other doctor.

“Here!” She then reached over me to hand him a bunch of papers and then she took over pushing my gurney though the hallway. I remembered her turning to smile at me and say “It'll be better if you're still.”

When I heard this spoke up and asked. “What's wrong? Why do I need to be still?” I immediately noticed that I didn't sound right; rather I sounded like I was speaking at the same time as someone else, who was also me. The combination of voices that came from my mouth began to rise in volume as I heard what didn't sound like me say what I wanted to say, and I became very, very afraid.“What the hell is going on!? Why do I sound like this!?

Back again with a second attempt. I’m a little concerned this is still too long and plot heavy, but would love to get your thoughts. Thanks all!

I’m seeking representation for IN A BETTER PLACE NOW, a 99k-word contemporary romance with women’s fiction crossover potential. A love letter to the Pacific Northwest, this story combines the atmospheric, coastal setting of Carley Fortune’s Our Perfect Storm with the emotionally complex characters in Rainbow Rowell’s Slow Dance and the weight and levity in Ava Robinson’s Definitely Better Now. Based on your interest in stories featuring xxx, I thought you might enjoy this.

Shiloh Morris wants what every scorned woman wants. That is, her husband’s demise. Ever since Reid inexplicably walked out on her five years ago, Shiloh’s been driving cross-country in a camper van and blogging about America’s most charming small towns. When news comes of Reid’s untimely death, she doesn’t hear choirs singing nor bells ringing. She doesn’t feel better. Instead, she’s plagued with an inconvenient bout of grief that sends her blog and bank account in a downward spiral. Her consolation prize comes by way of Reid’s childhood home on a Puget Sound island.

Shiloh wants to see the house, just once, before selling it and moving on for good. Unfortunately, upon arrival she learns the house is occupied by a surly, fourth-generation shellfish farmer—Reid’s cousin, Sam—and comes with a revolving door of family members she never knew existed. The family has no intention of parting with their ancestral home, and Shiloh has no interest in selling to the so-called family that was nowhere to be found when her marriage was in crisis. In a last-ditch effort to gain closure, Shiloh strikes a deal: She’ll sell the house to the family on the condition they offer her a temporary job and an opportunity to figure out who the hell she married.

Shiloh immerses herself in the world of shellfish farming alongside a begrudging Sam, who’s doing his best to keep the family business on course during his first year at the helm. While at first it’s shucking knives out, the pair must work together to revive the company’s online presence while unspooling Reid’s string of lies. If Shiloh wants answers before her contract ends, she’ll need to confront the painful loss that ruined her marriage and decide if a second chance at love is better than a life mapped out on her own.

[bio]

Hey all, I'm nearing completion of my first draft of my next book while my first completed manuscript is in the query trenches, and I decided to write my query alongside it to make sure I know how to pitch it. I'm still a few beta reader passes and structural edits out from it being query-ready, but wanted to offer my first try to see what everyone thinks, as well as get opinions on:

• What genre should I label this as? From my viewpoint it seems like it could fall under Upmarket, Women's Fiction, Book Club Fiction and/or Speculative fiction, and that's a lot of possible categories...
• Does the way this concept is presented here seem like it's "copying" The Midnight Library too much? I have never read The Midnight Library and from what I know of it, I doubt I'd like it. But I don't want to appear like I'm just chasing trends by trying to emulate a very commercially successful novel.
• Any ideas for good comps for this? Piranesi and The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo were my main inspos, so I added them for now, but they're both VERY popular and also a little older than 5 years, so not perfect/ideal.

Dear [Agent],

THE NEVERENDING LIBRARY OF MARTHA JEAN (complete at 80,000 words) is a work of upmarket speculative fiction with a hidden sapphic love story. [Personalization] 

Martha "Jeanie" Jean is an 85 year old late-stage dementia patient living in a memory care home—and the woman at her bedside has just informed her that she is in terrible danger.

The woman, who introduces herself as Jeanie’s daughter, tells her that the majority of her estate is set to go to an abusive man from her past. If she doesn’t sign over her remaining assets, he intends to come after her. But there’s another problem: Jeanie has no idea who this woman is or what she’s talking about. In Jeanie’s dementia-clouded mind, she is still young, single, and working as a professional ballerina.

Confused and distraught, Jeanie tries to escape the care home, only to find herself in a vast, labyrinthine library that exists outside of time and space. The endless library’s sole inhabitant is a mysterious, beautiful, and strangely familiar woman who encourages her to pick out a book and start reading. 

Each book contains a memory, taking Jeanie back to a different time in her semi-forgotten life: her difficult upbringing, the trials and triumphs of her ballet career, and her tumultuous relationship with a choreographer who she believed to be the man of her dreams.

Starting from her childhood and ending in the present day, Jeanie must uncover her past in time to solve the mysteries of the present. Is she really in danger? Why is her heart drawn to the woman in the library? And as the story of her life comes to its end, who should she trust with everything she built over the past eight decades?

Told in two interwoven timelines, this novel explores the importance of memory, the societal exploitation of women both young and old, and the breadth of the queer experience. It is perfect for fans of the dual timelines and mid-1900s sapphic love story of The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo and the fantastical architecture of Piranesi.

I queried a few small and mid-size publishers in June of this year. One requested a full, but then ultimately passed.

Recently, I received this reply (below) from another traditional publisher. I haven’t found anything suspicious when researching them, but it definitely seems weird to mention that “our CEO would like to speak with you directly.”

Anyone ever receive a reply like this? How did it end up going?

I’m obviously on my guard for scams and things that seem too good to be true. Any insight is appreciated!

Email:

Thank you for sending us [manuscript title]. We've now had the chance to read it in full, and we think it fits our list.

I'd like to set up a brief conversation about the manuscript and what we have in mind - [name], our CEO, would like to speak with you
directly.

Could you send over a few times that work for you next week, along with your time zone? We'll take it from there and send a calendar invite.

Hi everyone! I'm an author-illustrator and my debut picture book came out recently, so I'm fairly new to the industry. I'm lucky to have offers from two agencies, one large and well-known and one smaller and independent (mid-size).

I've talked with both agents and a couple of their clients, and honestly everything looks very similar. Both are responsive, explain contracts, respect their clients' vision and defend it with editors, and both are good at developing projects before submission. The one real difference is personality, and maybe experience/seniority (?).

The agent at the large agency has been in the industry for a long time (20+ years) and has a longer track record. They're more businesslike and direct, a bit more "shark" you could say, and they seem to have a very clear idea of how the industry works, from editorial notes to publishing houses. When we met, they asked me really good questions about the new book ideas I'm working on.

The agent at the smaller agency is younger and has been in the industry for far fewer years, but I imagine that also means they're hungry to work. They're warmer and a real admirer of my work. According to their clients, they're less shark-like, but they'll do and solve whatever you ask, and they said it feels like "having a team" or a "big sibling who would step up for you". This agent also has a smaller list. I've seen two books from their list in a lot of places lately, but I don't know how much they had to do with the editorial vision. I also didn't send them my new ideas before our first meeting, so I don't know yet how good they'd be as an editorial advisor for them.

I'm not a very businesslike person myself, so I keep going back and forth on whether I'd be better off with an agent who is more like me and a fan of my work (smaller agency), or one who is less like me and doesn't come across as much of a fan (though they have made it clear that they like my work) but seems to have more experience.

I'm also wondering whether the name of the big agency actually matters for my career, with editors, publishers, or later on, and whether I should take the opportunity of being part of a big-name agency while I have it, or if I'd just be overvaluing it.

What would you pay attention to in a decision like this? Is there something I'm not seeing, or a question I should ask before I decide? And if you've worked with both kinds of agents, did the difference in personality, experience, or agency size matter in the long run?

Thank you so much!

After receiving a pass on my last outstanding full request, I'm calling quits on my second novel's query journey. As much as I appreciate the stats posts related to successful queries, I feel like I get more perspective from the failure stats since they seem to be a more typical picture of the process. Some highlights are below, if anyone is curious about specific metrics or details I'm happy to provide them.

The querying process was paused after my first batch of ~10 when I made the decision to work in some substantial story updates and then hire a dev editor. I knew that I would self-pub if the story didn't get picked up, so decided to invest in the MS while also giving myself the best chance possible at landing a trad deal. That introduced a delay of ~ 1 year between the initial batch of 10 queries and the subsequent push. I found my editor through substack and would be happy to share private feedback/info if anyone is interested in potentially using them.

My title changed several times throughout the process, which is probably not an ideal strategy, but I just couldn't find one I really loved and hoped that trying a handful throughout the batches might result in one achieving superior results (obviously none did).

After the first batch, there were another ~4 batches separated by about a month each, with total submission volume going up significantly once I got my first positive query response in May of this year.

I primarily found agents through keyword searches on MSWL and by browsing their individual profiles either linked from QT or by reading my way through agency websites. I tried to focus on agents that had specific callouts for elements in my story rather than simply blasting it off to everyone accepting the basic genre. If the response were more positive I might continue to widen my pool of agents, but at this point it doesn't feel like that effort would be rewarded.

Genre: Psychological Suspense

Word Count: 76k

Rounds of QCrit feedback here ~7, in my post history if anyone cares to look

Total Queries Sent: 63

Total time: 19 months (10 in spring 2025, long break, then remainder from February 2026 onward)

Full Requests: 2 (1 from in person pitch event prior to dev edit)

Partial Requests: 1

Form Rejections (estimate) - 45

Average Response Time ~ 2 months

Fastest Response Times - Next day/immediate (just a few in this camp)

Long term CNRs - 5

Outstanding Queries - 8 aged between 3-4 months

Personalized feedback received in 5-10 queries (guessing because occasionally hard to tell)

Most common personalized feedback was some variation on, "really like the concept, read pages with interest, but didn't connect with writing/characters/voice enough to request more material, best of luck."

My opening pages (specifically the opening paragraphs) are pretty structurally unconventional. Editor agreed that the payoff later was worth it, but acknowledged that it likely meant an uphill battle for querying. He also mentioned that while the story had obvious merits, he might struggle envisioning it at any specific major imprint due to its genre blend/subject matter.

Parting thoughts: If you want a tradpub deal, the opening paragraphs and pages feel tremendously overweight in importance compared to the actual meat/potatoes of the story. Understanding the conventions agents/editors are looking for and obeying them is not just recommended, but likely necessary given how fully saturated the marketplace is. If you don't know what those conventions/expectations are, then get educated. I tried to fight this fight and lost. Would still encourage people to do what they feel is best for their novel/story, but if you're trying to do something unconventional, adjust your expectations accordingly.

Also, between when I queried my first novel several years ago and now, it seems as if 1-2 sentence pitches are becoming MUCH more standard in successful queries (this is a general feel, not backed by specific research). Including a 1-2 sentence pitch at the start of your query was not (and might still not) be part of the standard querying format advice offered here, but those pitches seem to be vastly over-represented in successful queries I've seen lately and in agent form recommendations, and it makes sense. With time only becoming more stressed due to submission overload, they want to be drawn in as quickly as possible, and a 1 sentence pitch is a great way to do that.

That's about it, like I said, happy to answer whatever additional questions folks might have and hope you all have better luck in your efforts!

It's time for round nine! I think. Don't quote me on that. It's been a while since we did this.

This thread is specifically for query feedback on where (if at all) an agency reader might stop reading a query, hit the reject button, and send a submission to the great wastepaper basket in the sky.

Despite the premise, this post is open to everyone. Agent, agency reader/intern, published author, agented author, regular poster, lurker, or person who visited this sub for the first time five minutes ago.

This thread exists outside of rule 9; if you’ve posted in the last 7 days, or plan to post within the next 7 days, you’re still permitted to share here.

If you'd like to participate, post your query below, including your age category, genre, and word count. Commenters are asked to call out what line would make them stop reading, if any. Explanations are welcome, but not required. While providing some feedback is fine, please reserve in-depth critique for individual QCrit post.

One query per poster per thread, please. Should you choose to share your work, you must respond to at least one other query.

If you see any rule-breaking, please use report function rather than engaging.

Have fun!

Congrats to everyone who found success and landed an agent. I wasn't so lucky. Here's my story: I began querying a novel in April and queried about 170 agents. I received two full requests, two partials, 60 form rejections, and seven personalized passes. The rest timed out, though there are still a few queries open, but I'm not optimistic about them.

A bit of a backstory: I had a lovely agent for my first book, a collection of short stories that died on submission. I promised a multigenerational novel about Italian Jewry and WW2, but ended up getting attached to a foul-mouthed 14-year-old narrator growing up in an Orthodox (i.e. Jewish religious) community like the one I grew up in. Back in 2017, I sent her a version of the early chapters and she passed. She said that the book could be either a YA novel or feature an adult narrator looking back at his past, but an adult novel with a teenage protagonist would be a hard sell.

It's been pulled off before—I wasn't going to list Catcher in the Rye in my comps, though I did mention Black Swan Green—but I think it's mainly writers with a track record. The book was also a bit of a love letter to the things that got me through high school: comic books, Final Fantasy, sci-fi, and grunge rock. About a year ago, I found the manuscript and realized it was almost done, so thought I might as well finish it.

I had a pretty weak query, but two agents asked for the manuscript right off. One of the agents, I had a relationship with prior. The second wanted a novel set in that world. I only realized how bad the query was once I started reading pubtips. I redrafted the query several times and sent out different versions, but the response was mainly the same. I figured the book was a long shot so I queried a lot, I'm not sure I recommend the numbers game. But, with that being said, I wrote really personalized letters to several agents (I knew their authors; we had some connection otherwise) and the hit response was about the same as those I queried blindly.

It doesn't feel particularly great. I've always written or thought of myself as a writer—and it helped me through some dark times—but being a writer (or thinking of yourself as a writer) and being a published author are two very different things. I have some small publishing credit to my name and a distant background as a journalist, but nothing enough to carry a book like this. Also, did I mention that the book is pretty dark? Lots of crude humor and teenage angst. It's also a bit short for a debut novel.

I'd say that my takeaway from this is to have good beta readers and run your query through friends/pubtips. I didn't really have either and looking at the work now, I can see things that would alienate an agent right away. I'm glad I finished it since it allowed me to come to terms with things I went through years ago. I wonder now if I write something else, will I ask myself if I'm writing it because I want to write it or because I want someone else to read it. Both are good, but I'd handle my expectations accordingly. Also look at the market. An immature teen narrator for an adult book is a hard sell no matter where.

I'm going to take off some time from the book before I do anything else with it. I might submit it to small presses and see if there's any interest. Otherwise, I might see how much work it would take to make it a full-fledged YA novel. I guess the most important thing I can tell myself was that at least it was good to finish.

Thank you to all the agents out there who responded. You're busy, drowning in good submissions, bad submissions and millions of AI-generated submissions, but even writing back with a form letter makes it feel real.

Dear AGENT NAME,

I’m seeking representation for CURSED MATES, a complete 97,000 word paranormal romance that blends the enemies-to-lovers, forbidden romance, and mythology of Touch of Darkness by Scarlett St. Clair and the slow-burn marriage of convenience of two morally gray fated mates of Ali Hazlewood’s Bride.

The riskiest gamble wasn't bargaining for death magic, it was bargaining for her hand.

Amir Sayed bound himself to Anubis, harnessing the god's power to fortify his father's underground gambling empire. The house always collects, and the price is his father's execution and a turf war over his territory. When his fated mate is betrothed to a vicious rival, Amir enforces his father's blood debt to claim her hand, exploding tension between his enemies and risking everything he's bled to protect. Now he fights war on both fronts, trying to convince his fierce mate that he claims her out of protection and not political greed.

Layla Farouk leveraged the power of the War Goddess, Sekhmet, to claw her way to the top of her father’s almafya and forge a multi-million-dollar business. Yet to her father, she's currency, traded in a political marriage to a rival, while he hijacks her company. Refusing to lose her freedom or trust a man vying for power, she leaves the underworld and Amir behind. But she can't outrun his obsession, or the bond binding her to the greatest threat to her heart.

In a world ruled by blood and betrayal, surrendering to love is the most dangerous deal they ever strike.

[bio]

Thank you for considering my work.

I'm back, with a tiny request that I hope comes across the right away. I've received feedback a couple times that my weird premise doesn't fit with the romance genre. This is completely fine feedback--I know I took a risk with my plot choice. If you share this opinion, could you please let me know how I could reframe my query to sound more appealing? For example, it's been suggested to focus more on the humour and romance elements, which I've tried to do here. Thank you! I've include my first 300 words below as well.

Dear XX,

With your interest in XX, I’m excited to share A SCRATCHED UP KIND OF LOVE, a 90,000-word speculative contemporary romance. It combines the cozy magic of Sounds like Love by Ashley Poston, the black cat/golden retriever relationship dynamic of Swift and Saddled by Lyla Sage, and the outlandish humour of Love and Other Conspiracies by Mallory Marlowe.

Cassie Costa mostly suppresses her desires–until an itch-inducing curse makes love irritating to ignore.

Men usually reject Cassie's intense, and, okay, slightly mean energy. So when she's asked out by her crush Jon, a happy-go-lucky regular guest at the Vancouver Island inn where she works, she declines. He couldn’t like the real her. Anyway, her practical dream to open a coffee shop consumes her. Until she develops a funny-looking rash that itches when she’s (frequently) annoyed…

Then Jon gets the rash. Sweet, passive Jon, who chuckled at Cassie's insult when they met. At least his itching and vaguely mentioned career issues fluster him. To uncover the irritating cause, he agrees they'll examine the cryptic clues they've received.

Their very serious investigative texts turn flirty, but Cassie’s just having fun. They discover that they both unhappily met this weird spiritual lady years ago, separately. She based a workshop on the cure: her Five Tasks to De-Itch Your Irritating Life.

Cassie thinks it's nonsense–empty platitudes to fumble through. Help others? But when Cassie must open herself up to something new and denies her crush, the itching intensifies. Cassie has to admit: Jon's patience as she berated an unsuspecting student was nice. And when he resists break old habits and surprisingly experiences pain, Cassie just wants to help.

As they grow closer, Cassie becomes angry as Jon hides personal problems. Surely his patience for her will expire. Cassie must decide whether she’ll accept the curse’s demands into her non-magical life: to improve herself and let love in.

I have a professional writing minor from the University of XX and once owned a cafe. Residing in XX, I’m now in property management and barely tolerate caffeine. Thank you for considering my work.

First 300 Words

If the Park of Broken Dreams were a cup of coffee, it’d be a gas station drip. Though capable of providing a burst of thrill from the rusted and questionably slanted slide, or that creaky swing, ultimately, you better avoid it.

I knew this, yet today I leaned back against the peeling, sliver-inducing picnic table whose bench I sat on and opened the YouTube video Dana sent. I assumed Jon would arrive his usual three-to-five minutes late. On this breezy summers’ afternoon—just sixteen degrees Celsius, barely warm, really—I couldn’t fathom why he’d asked to meet here for lunch.

“Whatcha watching, Cassie?”

I paused the video—two minutes in, not bad—and glanced to my right to find Jon less than a foot away. There he was, just now sitting down, a small smile bringing out the laugh lines and corner eye wrinkles on his handsome face, a hand brushing his floppy brown hair back. I’d spent months examining that face over lunchtime hang outs at the inn next door where I worked. I never tired of his many different smiles, the way his nostrils flared when he was amused. Something was probably wrong with me. His face shouldn’t still intrigue me so much.

I tried to hold back my own smile today. I’d seen him once already; this hardly necessitated excitement. Some self-respect was required. Keeping my gaze on his grey eyes, I scooted closer, stopping myself when the stubble covering his strong jawline screamed out rub me. Yikes, Cassie.

“Oh, my roommate sent me this clip from The Mummy. She’d never watched it before this weekend.”

Jon leaned over my shoulder, looking down at my phone. I spotted goosebumps on his arms, below the sleeves of his t-shirt, but that was probably because of the ocean breeze, not how close we sat.

Back again for #4! Previous attempts here and here for ease of access.

Some things from last post that I tried to fix include clarifying the first paragraph, hopefully fixing tonal discrepancy with the secondary world, and removed the Moana comp because while I was trying to comp specifically the setting but it called to mind different expectations. Also took it upon myself to highlight the weirdness of the second world since it's supposed to feel weird.

This process is brutal but necessary and I can only hope that this letter is improving no matter how incrementally. Thanks to everyone who gives feedback.

----

Dear [Agent],

[Personalization]

I am seeking representation for THE MAGICAL LAND OF SOMEWHERE ELSE (115,000 words), a standalone adult fantasy that combines the surreal portrayal of grief in Samantha Sotto Yambao’s The Elsewhere Express and the unflinchingly recalcitrant protagonist of M.L. Wang’s Blood Over Bright Haven.

Thelda is renowned for her artistic prowess while her husband Serin interprets obscure prophecies he summons from his beach of mystical pink sand. Both orphans, they dream of giving their prophesied child the loving life they never had. But their joy sours when Thelda falls deathly ill, and the thin-haired, blanket-wrapped figure in the sand portends, instead, a far more devastating future.

Desperate to change fate and save her life, they seek out Natau, a healer whose golden sand cures any ailment. But with each grain set at an exorbitant price, Serin and Thelda incur a steep debt for a mere pinch of sand. Except it is not enough, and the sickness claims her first.

Distraught and impoverished, Serin prepares to join Thelda in death. That is, until the mysterious Mr. Blip arrives from Somewhere Else, an uncanny realm in which grief itself can be given away. Among statues carved from forgiveness and fuzzy creatures cataloging answers to the universe lie the Things, omniscient entities who offer Serin the gold to pay off Natau in eventual exchange for his grief, an act that would erase not only his sorrow, but his memory of Thelda completely.

Only after accepting Mr. Blip’s guidance in moving on does he discover that Natau’s sand is fake. Before crushing debt puts him out of his home, Serin must expose Natau as a fraud. Or, he can trade grief for gold, wiping his memories of Thelda clean—even if the Things may not be as benevolent as they seem.

[Bio]

Thank you for your time and consideration,

[Name]

Here are my first and second attempts — if you read my second attempt, you'll recall that I've spent months trying to get this thing into better shape after no interest from a handful of agents.

I HOPE I'm getting closer with specificity and movement, but my main issue now seems to be that the word count is still sitting around 420 words. I know there is probably some fat left to be trimmed, but I can't for the life of me find it.

As always, thank you to everyone who has read and provided thoughts on any version of this query!

--

Dear [AGENT],

I’m happy to share YOU’VE BEEN CANCELLED!, complete at 79,000 words. The satirically delusional protagonist of Meredith Hambrock’s SHE’S A LAMB! meets the twisty social commentary of Liann Zhang’s JULIE CHAN IS DEAD in this “coming of rage” psychological thriller and dark comedy.

As a rising relationship influencer, Alana Wilson loves profiting off of women’s insecurities. Until she realizes it might not pay for much longer: she’s forced to split from Matt, her husband and the backbone of her content, when his mistress threatens to go public. To make matters worse, someone knows about the role Alana played in a classmate’s death years ago, and they’re using it to extort her. She’s hemorrhaging money just to keep her secret hidden and avoid prison—or worse, losing her millions of admirers—but she’s a certified girlboss. She just needs a new content strategy to finally secure the brand deal that would set her for life and give her the resources to track down her blackmailer, burying her secret for good.

But when an AI-generated video depicting Alana screaming racist slurs goes viral, the social media empire she’s killed herself to build topples overnight. She’s dropped by her manager, blasted by CNN, dragged into bar fights, and forced to wield hammers against strange men lurking outside her house—all while trying to figure out who is hell-bent on destroying her life. When she’s not breaking into Matt’s laptop to search for evidence or obsessively stalking Charlie, her two-faced best friend and more successful competitor, she’s entrapping Zay, her new millionaire boyfriend who might hold the answers (and the cash) to all her problems, despite her suspicions that he’s hiding something from her.

Alana is running out of time: if she doesn’t come up with the funds for her next blackmail payment, the police documents that she thought her father had bribed away—before her parents died under tragic circumstances—will be released. But Alana’s desperation to clear her name and return to her well-deserved spotlight soon bleeds into a budding fixation on Charlie, whose career begins inexplicably rising every inch that hers has fallen. When Charlie manages to steal Alana’s dream brand deal and all the success that comes with it, Alana is cemented in her downward spiral, realizing that justice is nothing compared to revenge.

[Bio and thanks]

Using my two week period to learn about agent contracts a bit while waiting on the others. My application to Authors' Guild to take advantage of the legal review is still pending. The sample contract I got is from a mid sized agency and it sounds like commissions are all standard. My main questions have to do with termination (the point of most contracts?) - the language is vague on tail and they would basically retain a lot of rights for a long time after potential termination.

- Are there standards for what we can reasonably expect when it comes to these termination clauses?
- Has anyone succeeded in negotiating or narrowing these? It would be directly with the agency instead of with your agent right?

I am seeking representation for HEARD SCREAMING, an 89,000-word supernatural horror
novel that blends elements of thriller and mystery. If you’ve ever wondered what it would be like
if Gillian Flynn wrote Stephen King’s Carrie, then you’re in luck. This story would appeal to
fans of the small town, claustrophobic dread of Ronald Malfi’s Small Town Horror, and the
unapologetic genre blending of Girl In The Creek by Wendy N. Wagner.

Mickey Peters heard her mother die long before it actually happened.

When two children mysteriously vanish from their homes in the town of Kelly Creek, Virginia,
something awakens inside of Mickey. Memories she locked away, abilities she thought she’d
ridden herself of, all come unpacked from a sacred part of her mind she can no longer trust to
keep them contained. The missing children are the same age as Mickey’s daughter, Vera, who she
gave away at birth to be raised by Holly, Mickey’s younger sister. Mickey is plagued with a
single thought: What if Vera went missing?

As Mickey is haunted by her dead mother, along with once-repressed childhood memories, more
children go missing, and Mickey’s abilities just might help her find out who’s responsible. But
when missing children escalates to murdered adults, it becomes clear Mickey began
remembering her past for a reason. Whatever’s happening is connected to The Trial—the
experiments she underwent as a fetus inside her mother’s womb.

After Holly inexplicably drops Vera off with Mickey and leaves town, she must overcome her
fear of motherhood in order to protect the child she abandoned. Mickey begins hearing a voice in
her mind—one she must obey—and it becomes apparent that the thing responsible for the
vanishing children has set its sights on Vera. As the body count rises and the town of Kelly Creek
descends into panic, Mickey plunges into a past she thought she’d left behind. If she can keep
her daughter safe and stop whatever malevolent force is plaguing her hometown, maybe Mickey
can forgive herself for the mistakes that still haunt her.
Maybe.

[bio]

My query is complete at 386 words (this includes bio section). I feel like it might be too long, I’m looking for not only general criticism for my query, but also input on whether I should trim some of the word count. Thanks in advance to everyone, long time lurker on this sub, first time poster.

Hey everyone! I've revised my query quite substantially since the last version and would be grateful for any additional feedback.

----------------------------

Dear Agent,

DUTY AND DEVOTION is an 88,000-word historical novel set in the Royal Navy during the American Revolutionary War. It combines the naval atmosphere and complex repationships of Suzanne Shaw’s Of Ships and Sealing Wax with the intimate storytelling of Ariel Lawhon’s The Frozen River.

Serena Powell, a midwife and lady’s attendant, joins a ship carrying British officers’ families to their wartime stations in the American Colonies. With her ginger infusions and easy conversation, she brings comfort to those forced to leave home behind. Having long feared she may never conceive, Serena has relinquished the hope of children of her own, though her longing for a family remains.

Lieutenant Ernest Fowler has built his life around duty, believing that to want a home and family is to give war another means of hurting those he might leave behind. More comfortable in a gale than in conversation, he has never allowed himself to become attached to a woman. When he helps Serena attend a birth aboard ship, he discovers a longing he has long suppressedrawn to her physically and intellectually, he pushes her away even as she seeks the tenderness he cannot offer.

Ernest’s closest friend and superior, Lieutenant William Clayton, is a devoted husband and father, separated from his family by war. Serena finds an ease with William that eludes her with Ernest, and their afternoon teas deepen into a tenderness that culminates in a kiss. William must choose between pursuing his desire for Serena and remaining faithful to the wife he may not see again for years.

When a naval battle leaves William wounded, Serena tends to him; delirious with pain, he mistakes her for his wife, and she must decide whether to let him believe it. Her duties as a midwife continue: when a woman aboard ship dies, Serena takes her orphaned newborn into her care, and Ernest, drawn into caring for the child alongside her, begins to imagine a family with her. By the time they reach England, that fragile prospect seems within reach. But William’s condition deteriorates, and Serena may be his only remaining comfort as he faces the possibility of never seeing his family again. Meanwhile, France’s entry into the war sends Ernest back to sea, threatening the future he and Serena have only just begun to imagine. All three must decide what they owe to those they love, and what they are willing to sacrifice for them.

I am XYZ, a former Polish Army soldier and midwifery student with a longstanding interest in maritime history. My background draws me to stories of duty, care, belonging, and the ties that endure across distance.

Thank you for your consideration.

---------

In particular, u/InevitableBook2440, u/bighead_jimmy, and u/melofnotknowledge, I'd really appreciate it if you could take another look as well. Thank you! :)

Edit: I used a word wrong and would rather substitute it at this time than cause confusion

Helloooo everyone! I've taken a hefty break from stressing over my query but now I'm back at it haha. While both the query and first 300-ish words fit the word limits, they're still quite long in a way that makes me nervous. Any suggestions to cut or reduce are much appreciated!

I've also decided to pull the plug on the plot twist I'd planned for Book 2 and move it up into Book 1 which changes the query slightly. But now I worry the twist comes out of nowhere, so please let me know if that's the case.

I'd love feedback on the first 300 words as well. I've struggled for months finding the perfect opening, and it still hasn't 'clicked' for me yet, but I at least feel cozy with what I've got :)

Thank you <3

Dear AGENT,

I’m seeking representation for THE BANISHED PRINCESS, an adult fantasy set in an LGBTQ+ world with series potential, running at 117,000 words. Our tale details the tribulations of a magic-wielding princess accused of murdering her mother, the queen, forced to take refuge within the country she’d abandoned. [TWO COMPS HERE :)]

Princess Charlotte had always dreamed of becoming a hero, like her lost father and like the knights in her ancient book of fairy tales, but her mother’s murder is not how she’d envisioned it starting. When the crime is pinned on her, she must give up the contentment of castle life and rush into exile. The true killer, and Charlotte’s brother, takes the throne and puts a bounty on her head, turning her citizens against her.

Charlotte’s shock quickly turns to disgust as she sees the dying lands of her country, the resources having been sapped by the monarchy since her father’s mysterious disappearance. Armed only with her rusty weapons training, diplomat lessons, and a borderline-delusional confidence, Charlotte decides to start a revolution to clear her name and bring her country back to its glory. The stress of her exile awakens otherworldly abilities, starting the chapter of her own fairy tale. But even magic can’t sway her hopeless citizens, and Charlotte’s pretty bad at this whole ‘chosen one’ thing.

Isolated from any allies in the castle, Charlotte hires Jack as her bodyguard, a wisecracking but realistic bounty hunter who’s caged with secrets. Jack trains her on fighting, taking her from a nobody to a local hero, but he’s clearly the better leader—much to his reluctance. The people begin to look to him instead of the princess, igniting a welcomed rivalry as Charlotte strives to become the hero her people deserve, and to unravel the lies that Jack keeps so bottled up.

It’s only a matter of time before the Royal Knights find her. Innocents are being ruthlessly attacked across the land, including a band of rebels who are Charlotte’s best chance at an army. And so it’s up to her, her only friend Jack, and her emerging magic to unite the outcasts and stop the oncoming ambush before the king’s forces kill them first. But Jack’s most damning secret - that he’s the father who Charlotte’s searched for her entire life - may tear them apart before the revolution ever gets its start.

First 300:

It was a charming night for an awakening.

Father’s spectre clung heavy to the humid winds, and Princess Charlotte of Gaylecroft was desperate to sense him. As she’d done for years now, Charlotte had gathered her friends for a midnight celebration in the overlook gardens, lighting candles at the base of his statue and drinking in his honor. It started as a small way to protest the Ordinance of Silence, and it was the only protest against Mother that Charlotte was brave enough to try, but the futility of it grew each year. Father had disappeared when she was a baby, only living in the fables passed around of his revolution.

As the half-moon reflected the witching hour, the only other person still awake, Monty, joined Charlotte at the railing of the overlook, both filled with summer wines. Father’s ghost was fading from the sticky air, and the princess turned her attention to the other man she held dear.

“Giddy for your thoughts,” Monty murmured, his face a sharp cutout in the moonlight.

“Maybe this one’s special in a way I can’t place,” Charlotte replied. Her drunken heart began thumping harshly. Monty watched her dreamily. She had been sickeningly aware that tonight would be the perfect moment for her first kiss. But now, as both parties swooned in sleepiness, Charlotte was filled with sudden urgency.

Leaning in slowly, as she’d seen the ladies of the Court do, Monty moved to reciprocate. Charlotte panicked. Clenching her hands, she jolted away, and the candles at Father’s feet exploded into shooting flames before quickly vanishing altogether. Charlotte was left staring at the smoldering, waxy scene, feeling heat inside her veins, as if the moon’s own light was pumping through her wrist.

Monty was laughing boyishly. “What in Purg was that?”

There’s no such thing as magic. You’re just drunk.

“I’ve no idea,” Charlotte mumbled, the fire inside snuffed out.

Hello again. I thank everyone for the feedback I got on my last attempt, and I hope I incorporated the critiques given. Please don't spare any comments; I can take all criticism, harsh or otherwise

--

Elyas has a dark secret: the sky talks to him. As a member of an ancient order of priests, the singers, Elyas has submitted himself to their rituals only to come out wrong. The sky whispers in his mind, both guiding and corrupting him with its cruel remarks. All Elyas wants is to lay low and lead a quiet life, yet the sky has other plans for him.

A pariah among singers, Elyas wastes his life away granting minor fortunes for the public. One such day, when a foreign envoy visits the city, he finds himself attracted to one of their soldiers. Elyas initially fights his curiosity, but the sky's persuasion gives him the courage to abandon his post and follow. After sneaking into the meeting on a whim, he falls right into the sky's trap.

Elyas is tricked by the sky into delivering a prophecy for the envoy. He foretells an invasion that might destroy the world, and the only way to stop it is through the cooperation of two nations. But it'll take more than the word of a singer to make a former colony work with its old oppressor, and his blossoming romance with Vaclav, the foreign soldier, risks both their reputations. If Elyas hopes to unite them against the invading forces he must maneuver through international politics, reconsider his faith, and outrun a colonial past his country can't seem to shake off.

HYMN OF DUSKFALL (118k words) is an adult fantasy novel with LGBTQIA+ romantic elements and a swashbuckling adventure taking cues from The Adventures of Amina Al-Sirafi (S.A. Chakraborty). It follows a protagonist struggling to navigate the poisonous world of nobles, appealing to fans of The Priory of the Orange Tree (Samantha Shannon) and its haunting setting full of ancient secrets. With a world inspired by the Roman empire in the style of The Will of the Many (James Islington), HYMN OF DUSKFALL delivers action, political intrigue, and an #OwnVoices queer romance.

--

Thank you for your time :)

Dear Agent,

Angela Dunley never felt intimacy until she drank a man’s blood. 
Working at a gym, she spends her days surrounded by beautiful men she’s convinced would never be interested in a bigger woman like herself. Years of bullying and isolation have curdled into resentment and violent fantasies she's fought to suppress. 

On the first anniversary of her father's death, Angela is still stinging from a gymgoer calling her "brave" for working there at her size. When a stranded motorist calls her brave for stopping to help, she hears another insult. She knocks him unconscious and drives him home with no plan beyond keeping him there. When he wakes and tries to escape, Angela slashes his throat in a panic. As he bleeds out, she's overwhelmed by the thought of being alone again. She drinks from the wound, convinced that with part of him inside her, he can never leave. Desperate to recapture that closeness, she begins luring men home and escalates to eating their flesh.

Her ritual unravels when she captures Grayson, a sharp-tongued man she's spent weeks watching from afar. His refusal to cower like previous victims throws her off balance. Then she learns he's a senator's son, and his disappearance makes headlines. Too rattled to kill him and too afraid he'll expose her if released, she keeps him alive. As the weeks pass, captivity takes on a strange domestic routine. He asks about her father. She lets him eat downstairs. And somewhere between their conversations and his handcuffed dinners, her fascination with him deepens into love. Yet she can't tell whether his tenderness is genuine or a way to survive. 

When investigators connect Grayson’s disappearance to the missing men, Angela knows their time is running out. Letting him go could mean prison. Killing him means losing the only man she wants to keep alive.

ALL THAT PRETTY FLESH is a 70,000-word adult psychological horror novel that combines the unsettling sexual tension of Eliza Clark’s Boy Parts with the female rage and cannibalism of Monika Kim’s The Eyes Are the Best Part.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely, 
[signature]

__________________________________________________________________

Thank you again for those who provided feedback on my last post! It seems that the plot itself became more clear on my second revision, but Angela's jump from lonely woman to serial killer/cannibal felt too abrupt. I worked on bridging that gap as well as fleshing out her dynamic with Grayson and using less generic language around that section.

A few people mentioned I didn't include a bio, which I'm very torn on. I've heard sometimes it's better to skip one if you don't have any previous publications or writing achievements to include, so I'd love to hear thoughts on that as well.

Thank you for those who read this far!

Alright, the fourth attempt here, and I definitely think I'm moving in the right direction, based off notes I incorporated from the third posting. I think it's gotten a little snappier and easier to read, especially from when I first started, but always looking for improvement.

Thanks in advance! Query is below.

Genre: Adult/Commercial Thriller

Word count: 68,000

Dear (AGENT NAME),

Marine Raider Joshua Bradley wants two things in life: to knock down doors while protecting the US and to provide for his dementia-afflicted mother Donna. When Bradley is wounded on an operation, two casualty assistance calls officers arrive at Donna’s house to break the news. Unfortunately for Donna, neither of these men are Marines; rather they’re scammers whose bread and butter are stolen valor death notifications, thanks to the assistance of their corrupt government contact.

When Bradley returns home and finds his mother’s life savings have been wiped out, he turns to drinking copious amounts of alcohol, becoming discontented with how slow the police and banks move, and he travels across Greater Los Angeles to find these scammers and collect his mother’s money. As Bradley goes alone, he finds that not only must he contend with these two thugs, he also must deal with their employer, a drug kingpin hellbent on keeping the money owed him by the scammers.

With his senses hampered by his descent into whiskey when he prepped his weapons, Bradley must steal, socially hack, and even torture his way through the scamming network to bring all involved to justice. When his lone wolf assault on the cartel goes sideways, he gives chase, only to find he will need to stop them before they return to his mother’s home and kill her in her own bed that very night.

THE KNOCK is a 68,000-word standalone commercial thriller with series potential. It combines the family-driven stakes and stateside veteran action of T. R. Hendricks’ The Instructor with the Los Angeles criminal underworld of Jon Lindstrom’s Hollywood Hustle, exploring the competing demands of duty to country, family, and oneself.

(Bio and sign off)