This is actually fucking stupid and believe it or not im a grown ass woman in my 20s.

But I love stuffed animals, I have quite a few and have a strong emotional bond to them. Its just a weird quirk I have. I never grew out of the attachment to stuffed little buddies.

I have a friend I had a crush on, but the other day I brought a stuffie to a board game night group thing, which isn't unusual, and my friends are supportive and indulgent of the little guys I bring sometimes, call them cute and personify them a little with me. Everyone was this time except him.

My friend didn't like this one. Its more cryptid-esque than my usuals, but its still a cute wholesome little guy. He made fun of him all night, called him disturbing, and punched him at one point. It actually hurt my feelings. I think I made that clear too, but he didn't stop.

I hope to someday find someone who can at least pretend to care about this side of me. I know it's weird, but i view him different now.

** UPDATE: For those wondering, when I say it is killing my sex life with my fiancé, I meant as in I’ve not initiated sex or haven’t really been in the mood to because of the conflicting feelings.
ALSO, for those insinuating that I’m a terrible person because she doesn’t deserve this etc, she cheated on me twice very early on. Now, that DOES NOT justify anything. HOWEVER, how do I justify something I simply CANNOT control. These feelings were natural and just confusing. All I’m wanted is real advice and NOT to be talked down about, or to. **

For context I’m a straight 26M diesel mechanic and happily engaged to a very amazing 25F. About 6 months ago we hired a new mechanic straight out of technical school and every since he started, he is the reason I’ve been happy coming to work as it’s a very tumultuous job.

However, it’s not just coming to work that I enjoy now because of him. I enjoy talking to him, and I also enjoy seeing him outside of work. The bad part is that I find myself thinking about him in a very unhealthy way. Sexually I should say. It’s like every time he pulls his shirt up to wipe his face I find myself ogling at him. Or I can’t stop looking when he laughs. And this is very very out of left field for me. Men aren’t my thing and I’ve never been with one or even thought about it.

I’m just confused and don’t know what to do. It’s killing my sex life with my fiancé as I’m constantly thinking about this guy. Btw this guy is 25M, physically fit, kind of an alternative look to him, and a very nice body.

My husband and I had purchased concert tickets and an upgraded meet and greet package for one of our favorite artists back in the spring. We’ve been looking forward to this for over 6 months. PTO was taken, the kids went to grandmas, we booked a hotel, drove 4 hours. When I tell you I was so excited, like little kid on Christmas Eve excitement.
We went to dinner and had drinks at the restaurant, followed by more drinks at the venue. We are in our early 30’s, I drink occasionally at social events and I thought that I knew my limit. Somehow things went from good to terribly wrong within 15 minutes. Also really not sure why I was wanting to drink so much - maybe the excitement or nerves?
My husband waited in the merchandise line to grab us T shirts before they sold out so he ended up missing the start of the concert. By the time he came to meet me, I had to pee and the trip to the bathroom hit me like a ton of bricks. I was spinning, throwing up, almost laying on the disgusting bathroom floor.
I just continued to get sicker and my husband had to carry me back to our hotel. I pretty much blacked out at that point and I woke up at 2 AM devastated when I realized what had happened. I couldn’t believe I didn’t get to meet one of my favs, the fact that we wasted all that money on the unused meet and greets, ruined my husbands night and the fact that we were right there but couldn’t make it happen after everything we planned.

This all happened Friday night and I can’t shake this feeling of being down and just replaying what happened over and over again. Why did I get the last drink?! I’ve never had anything like this happen. I’m so blessed that my husband isn’t upset with me but I am so upset with myself and don’t know how to shake this feeling. I was scheduled to work today but called off because everyone is going to be expecting to see pictures and videos and I have nothing but this pathetic story.

I used to live with my dad. That is, until he got married and his new wife moved in. I was told beforehand that she was okay with my living there, but to make a long story short, she wasn’t. She hated that I was there. She thought I was nothing more than a mooch “taking up her space” and “ruining her happy ending”. In reality, my living there was only temporary. Both me and my dad insisted this to her, but she refused to believe it.

I extended olive branch after olive branch to make peace and maybe build a relationship with her but she wasn’t interested. She was constantly cold and rude towards me, and my dad was too afraid of confrontation to do anything about it other than tell me to be the bigger person. I got tired of being the bigger person. I had done nothing wrong.

The one time he managed to get the three of us together for an attempt at a productive conversation was after she had (without asking) once again moved my personal belongings to replace them with something of hers. In this case, she had taken down my family photos to replace them with pictures of her dogs. My dad decided it was time to confront the terrible tension in the house and tell his wife that my presence here was to be respected.

I secretly recorded the conversation on my phone. Why? Because I knew she would say some fucked up shit, and I wanted proof for the other family members who didn’t believe me about her behavior. And I was right, she behaved like an immature child the entire time. My dad had to practically beg her to stay in the room. She kept fidgeting and trying to walk away. Refused to make eye contact with me. When I expressed a want to build a relationship with her, she responded “What do you want from me? To do a dance for you?” And actually danced. Mockingly, of course.

I was devastated by the conversation. It resolved nothing and only confirmed what I already knew about her and her feelings towards me. I was nothing but an annoyance and an obstacle to the life she wanted. In the end, I gave her what she wanted. I found somewhere else to live, despite my financial hardships.

I never sent the recording to my family members. And seeing as how she tragically passed away in a car accident mere months after the recording was taken, I probably never will. Her death solidified her as a saint to the family and I as the unreasonable asshole who couldn’t just let it go.

Maybe they’re right.

He's so fucking funny and supportive and hot, he's got the prettiest fucking smile I've ever seen and catching his eyes gives me one of the best highs, I've never been attracted to a man for his physique or stature but God do I love watching him do quite literally anything

That's not even to mention how interesting he is just as a person, he's such a nerd and there's so many common interests it's insane, talking to him is so easy.

Being near him, being touched by him makes me feel like I'm going to come apart

He grabbed my waist to move past me the other day and everything in my body and soul reacted so strongly it was hard not to react out loud, I want it again so bad.

I absolutely fucking love Everytime our hands touch or when we almost crash into each other because we're walking close, just the small stuff drives me nuts

I think about him so consistently that I know I'm creating this in my head

But God he says things like "I'd drop everything for you" and I wanna pretend it means way more than it does.

I'm not the kind of woman that anyone is attracted to, I'm the kind of person you get to know and realize you're compatible with, but sometimes he looks at me and I feel like I'm something worth looking at and that's so intoxicating

I'm glad it's contained in my head, where I can't creep him out but I don't want to stop thinking about him, there's a lot of reasons I shouldn't be but I don't want to stop; I'll lose interest at some point but part of this makes me happy makes me feel less lonely, less forgotten

Anyways, there's my ramble thank you for listening.

My mother got it in her head when I was growing up that I was somehow some child genius. When I moved schools when I was in the first grade, she put me in the second grade because apparently they were doing work I had already done in first grade and the work I was doing was in the second grade. So, when I was 6, I was put in the second grade, with no care about how that would affect the rest of my life. Mind you, this decision was made by a 42 year old woman. Not some young parent in their mid twenties or something.

Anyway, it was a negative on my life. I was always smaller, picked on, and clearly less developed than the other children in my grade. I feel like my life could have been so much better if I had the year I was supposed to have to plan out my life and make better decisions. I could’ve had more confidence talking to girls because the girls in my grade would have been my own age. I could’ve spent more time picking a more lucrative major and had the mental capacity to research more and figure out what would have been better for me. My own mother forced me to be a commuter student at the university in my hometown because I would have been a minor and not allowed and I couldn’t leave, and I’m deeply resentful towards her for that. I feel like I missed out on that pivotal college experience of truly being away from home because of decisions I didn’t get to make. I even got dropped from pledging a fraternity because of my age (I lived on campus my first year).

When I say something to her about this, she always claims the school made her do it or I didn’t seem like I had a problem with it. Like bruh I was 6, really? And you were also the parent who chose this for me and could’ve supposedly stopped the school from doing that? I’m sure they would’ve been happy to put me in the actual grade I was supposed to be in.

I know I can’t change the past, and I’m not expecting this rant to change anything, other than just let me vent to internet strangers to feel better. I just always think “what if” if I started high school at 14 instead of 13 and I could’ve developed at the same rate as the other kids my age. My life could’ve maybe been better had I had not been forced to unnecessarily be pushed up a grade.

I feel awful about this and I don’t know who else to tell so im just putting my thoughts here.

My mom called me today that our dog, who is almost 16, declined quickly this weekend.

He already lost a lot weight over the past few months, he is nearly blind, deaf and barely has any teeth left.
But he was still playing, eating and seemed happy overall.

I saw him last week and he seemed okay. He’s old yes, but he still ran after leaves and played with a ball.

Since this weekend mucus keeps coming out of his nose, he fell over when he tried to pee and he is exhausted after a short walk. There is also nothing left of him. He lost even more weight and you can feel all of his bones. He still acts normally to a certain degree. But its very clear that he is nearing the end of his life. I work with people who are at the end of their life and they have a certain odor. He smells like that. Strongly.

Im 26 now so I grew up with this dog. I love him so so much and I don’t want to lose him. But I absolutely do not want him to suffer.

My brother moved out when the dog was 4 and went NC with my mom up until last summer. (Whole different story and the details of that aren’t relevant)
What is relevant is that he missed a lot of the dogs life.

I went over to my moms place, along with my brother and his partner to discuss what to do next.
I want to call the vet asap. My mom is on the fence (because she is scared to lose him) and my brother and his partner want to wait for a bit.

Which honestly pissed me off. Because what the hell do they know?
I grew up with him. I watched him all the time from the time I moved out. (When my mom went on vacation or had to be gone all day, the dog stayed with me)

I managed to convince my mom to call the vet tomorrow (we’re doing it together). My brother and his gf want to be there when he gets put down. I feel super selfish about this but I don’t want them to.

Its just a very emotional situation. And my mom and I looked after him for years. Just the two of us.
I don’t want to deny my brother his chance to say goodbye but it feels wrong. I just want me and my mom to be there for him.

That’s it.
Im exhausted and going to sleep now

Much like the title says, I'm now 31, single for the first time in around 13 years and the illusions of friendship, I'd considered myself having, seemingly disappeared overnight, just a handful of acquaintances that will say "we should do something" and never do, but they're scattered across the country and I haven't seen the majority of them in over 2 years

If you asked me what's hit me the most, it's definitely the break-up, but I'm just left pining on and off over my ex and feeling the crippling loneliness of being a guy at the age of 31, wishing he had a friend

I've always struggled making friends growing up, so the ones that stuck around I considered my friends for life. Well, apparently not

I still have one friend, mind you, but I only hear from him periodically because he's in a different country, and he's not exactly the best at sticking to any sort of plans

I'm not looking for advice or help, just need to vent. I know it's partly my fault, as well, I've never really been the type of person that's good at keeping up with social media, texting, ect, I usually try to live in the moment and in-person os definitely my preference. I just need to get it off my chest because it's like a little ball of sadness I hold in my chest at all times and can't escape

For a little context, my twin sister and I (F, 23) are complete opposites so I truly don’t think it’s a jealousy issue. She wears all black, is taller than me, short cherry red bob, high academic achiever and has huge financial goals in life. I wear mostly pastels, have long pink hair, in teaching training, and prefer the comfy cosy life.

She’s always made small comments about me in front of others to put me down, which I have bought up to her before and she seemed receptive to it. But recently, with starting a relationship with my boyfriend (we’ve been together for 5 months now), I’ve been hyper aware of it. And not only that, my boyfriend has picked up and commented on it multiple times too.

Examples of things she does include, making fun of my accent to others. She’s autistic so she copied traits from movies as a child leading her to have a posh RP accent. Meanwhile I have the accent of my area, a neutral maybe slightly chavy one, nothing too extreme. But if I pronounce a world without a consonant (ie wa’er instead of water), she will start talking about how I speak so strange and it’s so weird that I talk like this.

Another thing, when my boyfriend first started coming round the house and I’d help with dinner, she would comment on how I’m such a bad cook, to an excessive amount. Now I’m not a Michelin star chef by any means but I also got through 3 years of uni with perfectly fine balanced meals.

After I would tidy up, she kept saying in front of him how I never clean the surfaces or do the dishwasher so I’m really bad at it. This one shocked me more as our parents work a lot, so since the age of 11 we’ve always done simple house chores like this consistently. It’s a daily task for me. I have no idea why she would say this.

She has also accused me of lying in an embarrassing way in front of a group of people I wasn’t particularly close with. I admit, when I was telling this story I kept saying things like ‘umm I can’t remember what happened here but then this happened’ or ‘wait I think it was like this, oh no it’s actually this’. But just because the story happened many years ago, and I’m a bit of a scatterbrain, it doesn’t mean I lied. In fact I repeatedly mentioned I couldn’t remember the situation in detail. But the overall story I told was what had happened.

In front of everyone she just goes ‘I think you’re lying’. I was completely flustered by this because I was so embarrassed by the accusation. I then start to do the thing you do where you try and justify yourself but it makes you look more guilty. A week later, I had followed up the story with a friend that was there and she confirmed everything I said was what happened, so I was able to tell the group this. My twin then said that she never said I was lying, she just thought I might be, and that these are two different things.

Overall my twin and I are so close. We don’t live near each other but we call all the time, come for sleepovers, spend hours gaming with each other, ask each other for advice. She’s definitely my best friend. I just don’t understand why she likes to put me down like this, especially when it’s only in front of other people.

TW: childhood sexual abuse, rape, and family estrangement

My older brother sexually abused me when I was a very young child.

I remember what happened. I remember where we were. I remember the pit in my stomach when things became wrong. I remember telling my mother and hearing him deny it. I remember telling my father the next day because I was angry that nothing was being done. CPS eventually removed my brother from our home.
I also remember deliberately recanting to a counselor because I felt guilty and wanted my brother to come home.

I was a child. I adored him, even after he hurt me. I wanted my family put back together, and I didn’t understand that the consequences were caused by what he did, not by me telling someone.
I am not claiming that I have never lied in my life. I used to lie. I have worked very hard to stop being that person. But I am not lying about this. My frightened attempt to bring my brother home does not erase what happened before it.

As adults, he and I became estranged. There were later allegations of sexual misconduct from another woman, with serious consequences for his career. He also lost access to some of his children, and he blames me, my mother, and one of my sisters.

He lashed out and tried to demean us by claiming we believed children over him. The thing is we all saw the way he treated his daughters.

Two of his daughters have described being treated horribly by him. When one of them was raped, he called her a hoe and implied that she wanted it. Another daughter eventually refused to let him know she was visiting our family because she had seen how he treated her sisters.

Some of my siblings still maintain a relationship with him, partly because his youngest daughter is still with him and they don’t want to lose her too. This past summer, they pretended not to know that one of his other daughters was visiting us because she didn’t want her father to find out.

I understand why they did it. They were protecting her privacy and trying to preserve access to the youngest child. But it still makes me angry. It feels like I am being punished for refusing to participate in the denial while they find ways to work around it.

Recently, someone my brother knew died suddenly and violently. He had previously told me not to contact him, and I understand that I technically crossed that boundary. I sent him two short, factual messages telling him the person had died and briefly explaining what happened. I wasn’t trying to restart our relationship, argue about the past, or demand an answer. I believed it was something he should know.

He could have ignored me. Instead, he sent an all-caps message saying that he did not care what the emergency was, that I was never to contact him again, and that he would pursue restraining orders if anyone in the family contacted him except the two siblings who still have access to him.

I reacted with an 👌 emoji. I will not contact him again.
But it broke my heart.

Part of me wanted to answer with every vicious thing I have ever thought about him. I wanted to remind him that I am not the one who did these things. I am not the one who hurt a little girl. I am not the one who mistreated my children. I am not the one who blamed a rape victim for being raped.

But I also know that nothing I say will reach him. If he accepts that I am telling the truth, then he has to confront what that truth makes him. It appears easier for him to make me the liar and the villain.

What hurts most is that I don’t actually hate him.
I love my brother. I remember being his little sister. I remember a time when I believed he loved me too. If someone told me tomorrow that he had died, I would be absolutely shattered. Yet based on the way he treats me now, I genuinely believe that if someone told him I had died, he might think about it briefly and then continue with his day.

I hate that this hurts so badly. I hate being heartbroken over someone who does not deserve my tears. I hate having enough empathy to recognize that losing his children must be devastating while also knowing that it was his behavior that caused it.

I have been carrying this rift in our relationship for roughly a quarter of a century. His denial does not mean it didn’t happen. His lack of memory, if he truly doesn’t remember, is not my responsibility. I cannot force him to remember. I cannot force him into therapy. I cannot force him to take responsibility.

All I can do is refuse to abandon the truth again.
I’m going to keep writing letters, drawing pictures, and making things for his youngest daughter. I won’t send them or use her to violate his boundary. I’ll save everything until she is old enough to make her own choices, so that if she ever comes looking for us, she will have years of proof that we remembered her and loved her. Our absence was never our choice.

I know part of why I’m posting this is because I want validation from strangers. I’m in a dark, heartbroken place, and I need somebody outside this family to hear me.

I know what happened to me. I know what I witnessed. I believe his daughters.
I just wish telling the truth didn’t cost so much.

Hope I’m allowed to post here. This fatigue probably got accelerated due to my online ex-gf finding another irl relationship with the guy she told me not to worry about a week after we broke up. That situation made me realize how much I desire to actually feel the fruitfulness of a real relationship.

I see some people saying how good it is being single and that you should love yourself, blah blah blah. Like sure that’s true, I’m not denying that. But if I genuinely live my entire life without actually being with someone, Idgaf how much I love myself, I’m gonna be miserable lol.

I genuinely get jealous anytime I see people in happy relationships. It’s an envy I find hard to let go no matter how much energy I put into other aspects of life.

Like seriously imagine a life where you’re kissing, cuddling, hanging out, having intimacy, being playful, having banter with your favourite person on Earth. That’s a life I’ll trade so much for lmao.

Obviously I know I have to go out there and put myself out there in order to find someone, but that’s beside the point. Not even sure how lively the dating scene in Toronto is lol.

Anyways thanks for reading this.

Lately, I've been feeling incredibly lonely, and I don't really know how to explain it to anyone.

By nature, I'm a people pleaser. I'm usually calm, patient, and understanding, and I tend to put other people's feelings before my own. I don't like conflict, I don't like making people uncomfortable, and I often keep my frustrations to myself rather than risk upsetting someone and ik that no one genuinely cares. From the outside, I probably seem like someone who has everything under control, but internally, I feel like I'm slowly losing touch with myself.

The strangest part is that I barely feel excited about anything anymore. Things that should make me happy feel ordinary, and I struggle to look forward to things the way I used to. It's not necessarily that I'm constantly sad; it's more like I'm emotionally flat, going through the motions without feeling much enthusiasm for life.

I don't necessarily feel like I have nobody in my life. I just feel like I'm missing a genuine connection with someone who understands me, someone I can be completely myself around without feeling responsible for their emotions or worrying about disappointing them.

I'm tired of keeping everything inside and pretending I'm fine. I want to feel excited about life again, to have things to look forward to, and to feel connected to people instead of feeling like I'm just existing alongside them.

I don't know whether this comes from loneliness, emotional exhaustion, people-pleasing, or something else entirely. I just know that I don't want to keep feeling this way.

No ages or genders, I wanna keep this fairly anonymous. If anyone who knows me DOES find this somehow I'm pretty sure they'll put it together from the details I've given but damn I gotta talk to someone.

Pretty much what the title says lol. For the past 5 ish years I've been head over heels for my best friend. When I realised I had fallen for them I decided to bottle it up to keep our friendship together. I told myself I was mistaken, that this couldn't be love, because I was too young to know. But as time went on the feelings only got stronger and now they're the most important person in my life. When I wake up I check messages, when I watch a series I message them. We call frequently and I'm honestly so happy.

They know this by now, after I confessed all this one time when we actually got to meet up. I don't think they feel quite the same as I do, this overwhelming intensity, but they've said things that meant a lot to me. So it's a strong relationship, long distance, and it's lasted over the years.

Now the complications. We're both the same assigned sex, and the world is the world. While I've lived a very fortunate life in regards to my identity, even I have to go back in the closet sometimes. And that's not even starting on what they've experienced. I would never ask for any more than what we have. Being part of a secret situationship was never how I expected my life going and I can't lie, sometimes it's hard. I can't tell my own family about where things are at, I'm evasive regarding relationships in a way I never was before. I know I've got the easy end of things, but sometimes knowing I'll never have a normal relationship makes me want to just sob.

I mean it is always possible someday I'll move on. The thing is, right now, I don't want to. I want whatever I can have with this person. It's the best part of my day, the best thing in my life. I'm fully prepared to take on the pain I know is waiting from keeping all this secret for so long. I went over all this in my head when I was figuring things out. I knew we could never be together. And that was something I had to be okay with.

We talk constantly, and things are beautiful right now. I'm so happy most of the time. Sure, sometimes I get a bit down but something I've learnt is that love isn't easy. You gotta work sometimes.

So yeah, sorry for how vague this is. I just need to express it somehow, that I'm still, all these years in, in love with the same person I know I can't be with. That I am figuring life out. That sometimes the love being there is enough and you can figure something out for one another.

And I'm happy.

Honestly, I’m so fucking lonely it’s actually embarrassing. I have nobody. No friends, nobody to hang out with, nobody to randomly text about some stupid shit that happened during my day, and nobody to call when I’m upset or when something good happens. I feel like I have no life outside of my house, my kids, and my crappy relationship. I’m 27, and sometimes I feel like I have the social life of somebody who doesn’t even exist. Nobody checks on me, nobody randomly reaches out to see how I’m doing, and I don’t have those friendships where you can just talk shit, laugh about stupid things, or vent when life is kicking your ass. I’m just here every fucking day with my own thoughts and nobody to share them with.
And the worst part is that I didn’t always have nobody. I used to have friends, people I could talk to and people who were actually a part of my life, and I fucked that up during a bipolar episode. I know my mental health played a part in what happened, but I also know that doesn’t erase my actions or how they affected other people. I’m not trying to use being bipolar as an excuse because I understand that I made mistakes and that my actions had consequences. I just wish I could go back and handle things differently because I never imagined I’d end up here, missing people I used to have in my life and knowing that my own decisions helped get me to this point. I wonder if those people ever think about me, if they hate me, or if they only remember the things I did. I can admit I was wrong and still be fucking sad about what I lost. I wish I could change the past, but I know I can’t force anyone to forgive me or let me back into their lives.
I see people who have best friends, group chats, and people they make plans with, and I wonder what the fuck is so different about me. I want somebody who actually wants to hear from me, somebody who thinks about me when I’m not around, somebody I don’t have to feel like I’m bothering every time I open my mouth. I want to be included, invited, and remembered. It’s such a different kind of lonely when you have kids and a boyfriend but still feel like you have absolutely nobody. Having people in your house isn’t the same as having people in your life. Sometimes I genuinely wonder if I’m just an awful person and that’s why I don’t have anybody, or if I’ve gotten so used to being alone that I don’t even know how to make friends anymore. I know I can’t undo my mistakes, and I know people have every right to protect their peace, but fuck, I wish I hadn’t lost people I cared about to learn some of those lessons.
I’m tired of being my own company all the time. I’m tired of having nobody to talk to, nobody to make memories with, and nobody I can just be myself around without worrying about being judged or feeling like a burden. I hate that I can’t even think of who I’d call if I really needed somebody. I want friendships, I want a social life, and I want to feel like I actually exist in other people’s lives instead of just existing in my own little bubble. I know I have things I need to work on, and I take responsibility for my part in losing the people I used to have. But I’m still human, and I still miss having people. I’m tired of pretending I’m okay with being this lonely when I’m really fucking not.

I am writing this here instead of confronting who this is actually about because I am getting my period soon and I don't know if the intense resentment I feel will last or if it is even accurate.

Fuck you.

We were in a committed relationship for years. They weren't the best, they weren't the worst. We just couldn't be the person the other needed. It was sad, devastating even but as is life. You roll with the punches. We still had a lease together so we decided to live together despite no longer being together.
As soon as he felt comfortable, he was outside doing god knows what in these streets. He said he didn't like the club scene while we were together. That's exactly where he was after we were no longer together. Going out for drinks with coworkers, making out with randos in bars and restaurants. Slept with others. He didn't rack up bodies (to my knowledge) but was out enough.

I wasn't. I was at home drowning my sorrows but that's the typical story right? The girl cries her eyes out for weeks and mourns the relationship while he fills his time with distractions until they don't fill the void anymore.

After our breakup, if felt so wrong to move on. How could I go out and share an intimate moment with another if we are still coming home together? How could I ever look at the man I had wanted to marry after being with someone else? This is how I felt. He didn't feel this way at the time. And if he did, it didn't hurt him enough to change what he was doing. I told him I didn't want to move on (not the best thing to say, I will admit) and that I will not be dating or going out. Our relationship was a bit messy and maybe toxic while together. Broken up we were incredibly messy and toxic to each other. I eventually told him if he fucked someone else, I was done with the relationship (more mentally) and would be moving on. Well, as you read above, he did that.

I went on 1 date. 1 date.

He demanded I tell him who I went on a date with. I refused. He put his fucking hands on me. He grabbed me and pushed me around. He choked me. He broke a door. He left bruises on my arms, chest and neck. The bruises stayed on my fucking body for 3 weeks. I had to look at myself in the mirror everyday. For weeks. And see what he did to me.

He was incredibly remorseful. He hated himself. He couldn't stand to see the bruises or the broken door. It's like a switch flicked in his head. He began to work on himself. He's trying to be less egotistical. He got a therapist. Stopped drinking. Doesn't vape anymore. Looking for a psychiatrist. Filling his days with the gym, meal prepping and friends. He's trying to be a better person.

I am so incredibly happy to see this. Ecstatic. Over the moon. This is the man I was with and who I wanted to marry. God, I am so happy to see him grow into a person I know he can be proud of.

But the cost of him getting here was me. ME. My sanity.

I lived with bruises for 3 weeks. I had to hide them with makeup and long sleeves. The nightmares. The daydreams filled with the horrors. I had to live in the house with the holes in doors while he got to leave and move into his own place. I had to be reminded every single day what he did to me. I can't watch or listen to any true crime without getting scared, nauseous or getting memories. Not even silly little tiktoks about the subjects. I can't talk about this event without crying and hyperventilating. I get incredibly scared around angry men. I hate myself for freezing and not fighting back when he left me those bruises. I feel weak. I can't talk about this to my friends because I don't want the questions the "did you call the cops?", "did you take any pictures?", "are you okay omgggg???", "do you want me to hurt him?".

I can't. I can barely deal with my own emotions about this; I can't deal with anyone else's. I told my therapist. That's about it.

I'm not going to do this because I still have some respect for him (look plz don't judge me okay- tough situation)

But fuck I want everyone to know what you did to me. I want every single one of your friends to know why we aren't trying to fix things. I want every girl you ever date to know what you are capable of. You are not what you did, you just did the bad thing. But you still did it. TO ME. I want everyone to know why you are so nice now. Why you are so patient. Why you go out of your way to do nice things for people. I want everyone to understand you are changing because you showed yourself and me how truly ugly of a thing you could do. I want people to see that pictures of the faded bruises I eventually took. Took me a couple weeks to even get the courage to do that.

I wanted the man you are becoming. I wanted him. I wanted to be loved by the best version of you. The kind, patient, loving, respectful and understanding version of you. I wanted the you who didn't automatically put himself first. I wanted you to hold me and caress me like I was made of fine china, trusting that you would never hurt or drop me.

I am jealous and selfish. I know I said wanted up there but fuck, I want. I want this version of you for me. I want to say that is my man who I am so proud to be next to. I didn't need anymore trauma. I want my pain and suffering to have been for a fucking reason.

I am glad you're getting better. But the cost of admission was me. So here I am, just working through substance abuse. Trying to focus on me and what I need to do to be a better version of myself. There's just so much in my head.

I don't know how I feel about anything.

I don't want to get in the way of your healing so you never ever ever fucking do this to someone else ever again. That's why I am writing this here.

I have a decent network of friends; I'm not completely alone by any means. But in the grander scheme of things, the majority of my friendships only exist within the grander context of a friend group per say. So it's all good and seems fine when meet up in person every month or so.

The part that sucks is the period of time in between the months that we all hang out, where apart from when we plan the next get together, it's just... complete radio silence pretty much. No texts, no calls, nothing. Almost as if my friendship with others only exists within the context of the group. And I know despite this we're still friends, but during the long periods of silence I can't help but wonder if I'm actually anywhere as near as close to these people as I thought we were.

And in scenarios like these where I really wish people would talk to me or stay in contact, I would always be told "you just have to reach out. You be the person to send a text or call first". But I just don't understand why it always has to be me. If I always have to reach out first or else I won't get a response, does anyone really care? What happens once I stop reaching out first and I get the silent treatment again? It's hard for me to be the one to take initiative to reach out when I've hardly been given the same treatment or reciprocation back in my direction. I don't want to solely be in one sided friendships.

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Hello everyone, I know this is really stupid but I really need to get this out somewhere. It's been months since we ended. He ghosted me. No goodbye ,no explanation ,nothing. Just silence. And I've been trying to heal. I really have. I glowed up. I started living again .I started eating well and hit the gym I told myself I was over it. and that I don't want him back or anything

But I still check his profile. Not every day. But often enough to feel ashamed. I made a fake account once just to see a picture he posted privately. I thought it was just curiosity. But it wasn't. It was me trying to find proof that I still mattered. That he still thought about me. That he regretted losing me.And every time I check, I feel pathetic. Because deep down I know he doesn't care. He's not wondering. He's not regretting. He's just living his life while I'm stuck in a loop of looking at his

I think I just can't accept that this is how it ended. I can't accept that he gets to be that cold while I'm still hurting. I can't accept that someone could treat me like that and just... get away with it

I hate that someone who treated me like I didn't exist still has this much power over my time and my peace

I really need to stop feeding the wound and start letting it heal.

If anyone has been through this how did you stop? How did you finally let go?

I don't want to feel pathetic anymore. I want to free myself

It always seems to me that i am the man who is good enough in the moment but never good enough for a long time. Like i am the time killer until something else comes along. Do you know the movie Good Luck Chuck? Its kinda like that, everytime i meet someone and genuine feeling develope and we start seeing each other, all the sudden there is a reason things wont work and right after they are with the person they are seemingly meant to be with. There was a time when this didnt really bother me, i assumed that they just weren't the person for me and eventually i would find the right person, but now im starting to think that person just doesn't exist for me. And truthfully speaking, i am more than a little over it.

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I genuinely feel insane. I constantly get invited to places, and everybody loves me, but I can't help but constantly run away and leave. I'm so touch starved.

I'm typically considered a solid 7, I have a messy ginger mullet, and I'm quite tall for a girl, I'm genuinely okay as a person. I try to be kind and a good person, and I'm a little eccentric. Yet nothing worked. I am so touch starved.

Today at a campfire party, after an hour or two, when it got late, I went to hide and stayed in the corner after being in the spotlight and making them all laugh.

I wanted to ask someone to hug me or cuddle, but that'll be weird. So picked up a metal rod from the ground, put a 1.5L empty soda bottle and hugged it with arms crossed for like an hour, almost falling asleep and stumbling away before I fully fall asleep and make myself an issue.

It's so embarrassing, and I truly hate feeling so starved to cuddles and touch. I miss being hugged.

I'm not sure if I remember how it feels to hug someone, and I barely feel human anymore.

Being human is hard. Being someone who loves others but is too scared to get close is harder.