LL female — I think I've finally figured out why my libido disappeared, and we might have found a way forward.

I'm a LL female in a long-term relationship. We don't live together, but we have a child together, and we also each have a child from previous relationships.

I've posted here before. Everything was fine until around three years ago, and I couldn't work out what had changed or what the trigger had been. I originally posted because I was frustrated with myself. I couldn't understand why I felt the way I did, and my partner was frustrated because he felt like I was falling out of love with him.

This has been ongoing for the past three years, and we've probably only been intimate around 10 times in that period.

Over time, I've done a lot of my own research and listened to other women's opinions, expertise and personal experiences. I've spent a long time trying to understand why my libido dropped to zero, because I genuinely couldn't understand what had happened to me.

Obviously, there are a lot of contributing factors. Stress, being extremely tired, having a special needs child, general life problems, family illnesses, my own illnesses and, basically, feeling like everyone relies on me mentally and emotionally. There has been a lot going on, and I know all of these things can affect libido.

But I recently started looking back at the beginning of our relationship and trying to work out what was different then compared to now.

I realised that I remember him being a lot kinder, a lot more loving and a lot more affectionate. And I don't mean sexually. I mean the little everyday things. A kiss here, a hug there, squeezing my foot, rubbing my leg, or just those little touches that made me feel special.

I'm not saying he doesn't make me feel special now, but those little gestures aren't as frequent as they used to be.

I think I underestimated how much those things affected me. Over time, I started doubting myself, our relationship and my own self-esteem. I didn't fully understand it at the time, but those little things made me feel loved, wanted and connected to him without there necessarily being any expectation of sex.

And I think this is where we got stuck.

I want to be clear that this isn't a blame game. I'm not saying he stopped being affectionate and that's why everything is his fault. I recognise my part in this, too.

We were both experiencing extreme stress around the same time. He became less affectionate because he was struggling, and I became less affectionate because I was struggling, too. Then, as the affection between us decreased, I stopped feeling as special and connected, which affected how I felt about intimacy.

It became a cycle. We were both struggling, we both disconnected, and neither of us really understood what was happening or how to stop it.

From his perspective, I can understand why it felt like I was falling out of love with him. From my perspective, I was struggling to understand why my feelings around sex had changed so much, and I couldn't just make myself want it again.

Then the longer we went without sex, the harder it became to get back into the swing of things. After so long, the thought of being intimate started to feel awkward and unfamiliar.

I lost my confidence and started worrying about things I probably wouldn't have thought twice about before. What if he noticed a wobbly bit? What if there was a funny noise? What if my body didn't look or feel the way I thought it should? What if he judged me?

I know these things might sound silly to some people, but when you're already feeling disconnected and insecure, those thoughts can become very real. It made it difficult to relax, be vulnerable and feel comfortable with the idea of being intimate again.

I think one of the hardest parts was that the man who had once worshipped the ground I walked on, who had made me feel so loved and desirable, had gradually backed off from that kind of affection.

I understood that there were reasons for it and that he was struggling, too, but it still affected how I felt about myself and our relationship. It was difficult to feel confident enough to be vulnerable with someone when I was already questioning whether they saw me the same way they used to.

But I think I've finally started to understand what happened, and more importantly, I think we've found a way forward.

We've only properly had this conversation this week, and it's taken me a long time to get to this point.

We've both acknowledged that, because things have been this way for so long, intimacy might feel awkward now. We don't want to rush into sex or put pressure on ourselves to suddenly go back to how things used to be.

Instead, we're making a conscious effort to bring back the non-sexual affection. The little touches, hugs, kisses and everyday gestures that used to come naturally.

The aim isn't to make every hug or kiss lead to sex. It's to rebuild that closeness without the expectation that it has to go anywhere.

I want to feel like we're in a relationship again, rather than feeling like we're just co-parents trying to manage life together.

And I think this is the part I've been missing.

I've spent so long focusing on the fact that I don't want sex, wondering what's wrong with me and trying to understand why I can't just make myself want it. Meanwhile, I think some of the things that helped me feel connected, secure and desirable in the first place had gradually disappeared from our relationship.

I'm not saying affection is a guaranteed solution to low libido, or that it will magically fix everything. I know there are other factors involved, including stress, exhaustion, health issues and everything else life throws at us.

But for us, I think rebuilding our emotional connection and non-sexual affection is a really important place to start.

I also think the longer we went without sex, the more pressure and awkwardness built up around it. So rather than trying to force ourselves back into having sex, we're taking that pressure away and concentrating on reconnecting first.

Hopefully, as we start to feel closer, more comfortable and more secure with each other again, the sexual side of our relationship can develop naturally in time.

I'm sharing this because I know how frustrating it is to be the LL partner and not understand why you've changed. I know how it feels to have a partner who thinks you're falling out of love with them when you don't even fully understand your own feelings. And I know how easy it is for both people to become disconnected when life gets overwhelming.

It took me three years to start putting all these pieces together. Looking back, I can see how we both struggled, how we both pulled away in different ways, and how we ended up in a cycle that neither of us knew how to break.

I'm actually feeling hopeful for the first time in a long time, because instead of just focusing on the lack of sex, I feel like we're finally addressing what might be underneath it.

I don't know yet whether this will bring my libido back, and I'm trying not to put that expectation on myself. But I do feel like I understand myself and our situation better than I did before, and that's a big step for me.

If anyone else is currently in that place where they feel like they've lost their libido and can't understand why, maybe it's worth looking back at what changed in your relationship, not just sexually but in all those little everyday ways you used to show each other love.

Sometimes, I think, we can become so focused on the sex that we forget about the connection that helped us feel close enough to want it in the first place.

I'm not claiming to have all the answers, and I know every relationship is different. But for the first time in three years, I feel like we've found somewhere meaningful to start, and I wanted to share that.

LL Wife tells me this morning “can we do something tonight?”
I ask back “something like what?” Then grabs my junk.
Knowing her past, I don’t get my hopes up
“Sure. I’m down. But you gonna plan and initiate”
Doesn’t say anything back.

Throughout the day, no talking about it. No anticipation, no build up. I invited her to shower with me. Said no, I’m good.

I’m writing all f this as she lays next to me, sound asleep.

Not a peep, not a kiss. Nothing.

I’m just going to masturbate at this point.

Good thing I didn’t get my hopes up.

Because it had such a big token on our sex life and that we were never able to cope. Because now the oldest one has problem and is taking so much energy.

Because they’re now the reason number one 1 I’m staying even though it’s never going to get better.

And I feel so guilty, such ugly thoughts just because we haven’t has sex in years.

Is there any coming back from this stage?

After years of rejection and humiliation from being unwanted/desired by my husband, I’ve reached a point of no longer wanting to be sexually intimate with him. I used to CRAVE this man. But apparently the side effects of chronic emotional neglect, occasional gaslighting and deflecting come years after, all at once. At least that’s been my experience.

No advice needed, just venting.

It used to be if she wore a short T-shirt like gown to bed, there was a chance.

The only chance now is the chance to remember what used to happen.

#ventover

So, apologies, this is gonna be a bit of a read.

My wife (41LLF) and I (42HLM) have been together for nearly 10 years, married for half that. My wife identifies as demisexual, whereas I am more typical, visual/physical attraction.

Sex has always been complicated for us. I am more experienced, but also traumatized by past partners (the short version is that I have always felt used in relationships, that my needs were rarely considered). She was initially very much selfish as she got used to the idea of sex (which I was fine with) but slowly started to open up to including me in the process. We had conversations about this that were always amicable, open and supportive, including discussing possible avenues to help both of us find common ground in the bedroom.

Two years ago, my wife suffered a significant mental health crisis, which dramatically changed the landscape of our marriage. We went from a team who supported each other, talked about everything and worked together to fix things, to me being a full time MH carer who made all the decisions, held all the responsibility and had to watch as the woman I married changed more or less overnight. The vibrant, open, considerate woman I married turned into a timid, insular woman who struggles with much of her everyday life (To be clear, I don’t blame her for any of this – what she went through was traumatic and has had life-altering consequences for her).

On top of this, my wife has a diagnosis of adenomyosis, which causes pain during penetrative intercourse. She has tried to push through it (at her own suggestion) which hasn’t worked, and before her MH incident she was scheduled for surgery to treat this. This has since been delayed indefinitely, and she has been reluctant to have the surgery in case she needs to take extended leave from her job (which she was away from for 3 months after her incident).

Before all this, I was the one to initiate sex – more or less without exception – and the more time went before the incident, that became more apparent. She was always receptive (at least in part because I’m not a dinosaur and can adequately judge when might not be a good time), but beyond being willing, was always focussed on herself, while I remained a bystander, until she was ready. Once she was ready, all the emphasis became centred around her inexperience and me needing to take the lead, which became more and more energy-sapping.

Since the incident, we have tried once, which the adenomyosis pain curtailed, and that’s reasonable. The problem I have now is that I feel like sex is never going to happen. For her, if that’s the case, I have no issue with that. Her body, her choice. But for me, I feel like something vital is missing. That intimacy and shared physical release that we had in the past, albeit briefly, has vanished, and I feel it’s absence daily. Not only that, but I am finding it increasingly difficult to feel any sexual attraction to someone I have effectively been responsible for these past two years. I love her, no question, but I spend more time thinking about her medication than about seeing her naked, to the point I’ve found myself actively not looking as she undresses for bed at night. Without wanting to apportion blame, because none of this is her fault, this person I’m sleeping next to at night is not the woman I married.

I tried to talk to her about the prospect of outsourcing the sexual aspect of things, to see if that would help me relieve some of the internal pressure I’ve been feeling, and to allow her to focus on her recovery without worrying that she isn’t fulfilling my needs, but she declined (again, not something I’ve forced, but also not something I’ve stopped thinking about). At this point, I’m not entirely sure what to do. I don’t want to cheat. I took and continue to take my wedding vows seriously. But life has taken such a turn that I don’t know how to adequately say to someone this vulnerable “Hey, I love you, but I have this need that isn’t being met, you – through no fault of your own – can’t do it, help me figure this out!” without threatening the progress she’s made for the past two years or putting pressure on her to address things she’s not ready for.

I am doing my best to be supportive, fair and understanding of her condition, needs and boundaries. But I feel like I’m sacrificing mine each day.

So. Yeah. That’s the story. I think. I’m tired.

My wife rarely initiates sex. Once in a blue moon, maybe. Every other time it's me, chasing her for it like a dog. If I don't start it, it just doesn't happen.

And when it does happen, a lot of the time it feels like she's doing it to calm me down, not because she actually wants to. That part hurts more than the frequency.

Bringing it up doesn't help either. Whenever I nudge her about it, she ends up feeling bad about herself and pulls away even more. So now I'm stuck: if I say something, it gets worse, and if I don't, nothing changes.

I'm sexually frustrated pretty much all the time. Lately I've noticed I've stopped expecting anything, and that scares me a little, because I can't tell if that's me coping or me giving up.

Some context: ours was an arranged marriage. I spent almost three years looking for the right person, and I really thought I'd found her. In my past relationships sex was close to a daily thing, so this has been a big adjustment. I know that comparison probably isn't fair to her, but I can't stop feeling it.

So my questions:

Is this how a dead bedroom starts? For people who've been here, did it get worse from this point, or did it turn around?

Or am I overthinking it? I have relationship OCD, and I genuinely can't tell anymore whether this is a real problem or just my brain doing its thing.

Dont get me wrong, i love her so much, and i feel loved by her. She is the sweetest person, and my bestfriend. We don’t have many friends, very selected. We have great conversation and we talk a lot. We are very open on our conversations especially about our child and our future. HOWEVER, sex has always been so dry. In the early days, we regularly have sex once a week. Then, i got severely sick during 2020 and sex wasn’t in the conversation. I had severe skin issues and it cannot be done as it took over my whole body, being disabled for 8months. She was with me through it all, i know she was thinking of giving up our relationship as i was very helpless. No doctors could help me. We had sex every now and then despite that time. Fast forward, being back to normal, our BED relationship has been very dry. I can only tell when she wants it, first week after her period. But the week after, she doesn’t want to have any sexual interaction. I can touch her boobie, which is great at first, but i get my balllllllssssss very excited then it hurts. I am writing this with disgust because i feel like i only want to do dirty things with her in bed as she always say, “why cant you just hug me normally.” It hurts me as i am always the one initiating and always asking as if i am a sex addict dog.

I know i need to work on myself. Ive cut down my masturbating and watching porn. But it seems like, if nothing happens, i need to release this, so i don’t think about it throughout the day. I get agitated especially when promises or having high hopes that aren’t fulfilled. We have had conversations about this but we are sort of divided on this topic. I’ve encouraged her to exercise with me, but she’s always on bed and only gets up when she has to go to work “she works at 8am and doesn’t get home til 7 ish pm. She had started her own business 3 years ago and it has been a blessing. She had supported me with my business venture and it is my turn to support hers. We work crazy hours and almost no days off. Restaurant and esthetician.

I am a man, and i am sorry if i am wrong being this way, please tell me if i am being demandingv. I love my wife and i can’t think of a day without her. Shes a very hardworking person and loving.

HLM with LLF. 3 years of promises that things will improve and things will be better. I was so patient and caring and understanding after birth of our children regarding intimacy. I sat through years of understanding time needs to pass for things to get back to normal.

The repeated broken promises have totally dulled me down as to what to expect from a relationship. I’m scared to initiate, I’m scared how often to try. I’ve asked so many times if she has no interest that it’s okay but please tell me. All I get back is that it does matter to her. She falls asleep every night and barely talks to me just sits on her phone.

I haven’t been perfect over the last year. No excuses for my outbursts of anger (nothing abusive or aggressive), I just feel exhausted from all of this and it’s really took its toll on me when I’ve tried everything. I’ve asked how I can help set the mood or make it easier for her. I’ve asked if planning would work, or even if we should take it off the table. Nothing has helped.

I’m so ready to explore my sexual desires and she agrees but nothing happens. Maybe once every two months but it feels like only because we’ve argued about it. I help with chores and the kids as fairly as o can with working full time. I organise all the bills and more.

I feel so ugly and unwanted at a young age. I feel maybe I’m disgusting for wanting and having desire. Maybe she feels pressured if I mention it, maybe I’m not good enough. Maybe I should just keep quiet.

I’m so numb to what a healthy relationship even looks like. I don’t know what I’m doing anymore.

My husband and I travel often, so seeing a therapist in person consistently is a bit difficult.

I've brought up the idea of seeing a sex therapist to him, and he is open to it.

Curious if anyone has had any luck with online therapists before, and could share some insight on how to go about finding one that would be a good fit?

Thanks

I don't really know who to talk to about this, so here I am.

I love my girlfriend. Like, genuinely, deeply love her. I want to make that clear because I don't want this post to come across as me blaming her for something that isn't her fault.

She has vaginismus, and we've never been able to have penetrative sex. Whenever we try, she experiences pain and gets a little upset. I usually end up comforting her because I don't want her to feel inadequate or think that she's letting me down. We both feel disappointed, of course, but I rarely express my own disappointment because I don't want to make her feel worse.

We've looked into vaginismus together. I've suggested seeing a gynaecologist, but she doesn't want to. I've also suggested pelvic floor exercises and even made her a little poster with the exercises to help her get started. It's been months, though, and she hasn't tried them.

I don't know why. She hasn't really explained it, and I don't want to assume the worst or pressure her into doing something she's uncomfortable with.

But I'll be honest. I'm getting frustrated.

It's not that I expect her to endure pain for my sake. I absolutely don't. I want her to enjoy sex with me, and I want us to experience that intimacy together. I love her, and she's the person I want that experience with.

But I also have sexual needs, and I'm tired of feeling like masturbation is the only outlet available to me. It's not just about the physical release. I miss the idea of experiencing that kind of intimacy with another person.

The other thing is that our future together is uncertain. We love each other and have talked about marriage, but realistically, we want different things from life. I don't know if we'll eventually end up together, but I don't want to give up on the relationship just because the future is unclear. I'd rather see where things go.

And this uncertainty makes everything more complicated.

Lately, I've started thinking about finding some kind of sexual outlet outside the relationship. Nothing emotional, nothing romantic. Just something physical. I haven't acted on these thoughts, but the fact that I'm considering it at all has left me feeling conflicted.

Part of me thinks that my sexual needs matter too, and that wanting some kind of release doesn't make me a bad partner. Another part of me feels guilty because I love her so much, and I don't want to betray her trust or hurt her.

I also don't want to bring up my frustration in a way that makes her feel like she's not enough for me. She's already upset when things don't work out, and the last thing I want is for her to develop insecurities about something she can't necessarily control.

So I keep most of my disappointment to myself, try to cheer her up, and carry on as usual. But the frustration hasn't gone away.

I feel stuck between wanting to be a good partner, wanting to respect her boundaries, and wanting to acknowledge my own needs instead of pretending they don't exist.

I know the obvious answers are to communicate, be patient, or reconsider the relationship. But none of those feels particularly simple when you genuinely love someone.

I guess my question is: how do you deal with sexual frustration in a relationship when you love your partner, don't want to pressure them, but are struggling to see a way forward?

And at what point does being patient with someone you love turn into neglecting your own needs?

I'd appreciate honest advice. I'm not looking for people to blame her or tell me she's broken. I just want some perspective from people who might have experienced something similar.

to preface this post: i know a month doesn't seem like a long time. me and my boyfriend both have high libidos, and we used to get intimate multiple times a week, so this is a huge jump.

me and my boyfriend have been dating for over a year, up until a few months ago, we have been physically intimate often. there has always been a lot of passion and it always takes at least a couple of hours.

a few months ago, intimacy completely stopped and we did nothing for a month. we didn't even make out, which we used to do often. it bothered me a lot, and everytime i asked him about it i got different reasoning.

we were long distance this summer, and when we moved close to each other again, it was passionate for a couple werks. and then it slowly fizzled.

it's at the point now where it has been over a month again without any intimacy. i brought it up to him a couple weeks ago, we had a long talk, and we both made a plan to help us. but since then, still nothing.

yesterday morning, he made a flirty joke about having sex that night. i responded well of course, and he flirted about it for the rest of the day too. then nighttime rolled around, and he randomly said "im sorry i couldn't make that happen tonight, i was looking forward to it". i was confused on why it couldn't happen, and he explained a mix of his housemate (we used to have sex quietly with housemates asleep) and it being too late.

i told him i was confused, and he said we could do something but had to be quiet. we ended up making out, with not much passion, and then he said he wanted to go to sleep.

im now laying here, unable to sleep, feeling undesirable, and honestly debating an uber home. i dont know what to think and i really need any advice.

Two nights ago my LL wife wants to get a little close to me so she pets my shoulder like I am dog. I laid there for a moment thinking this is crazy but I needed a little affection so be it. Then I gathered the courage to move in close for a cuddle. Her hand remained on my shoulder and mine was on her leg. And it actually was nice being close. Maybe more because I got the courage to actually get in close and not fear rejection.

Anyways last night I thought maybe we could recreate the night before. Nope I got a peck on the same shoulder she was petting and she immediately went on her phone to play a game. I finally fell asleep defeated again.

My (29m) partner (32m) and I have had a declining sex life for 7 years, things were so good the first year and then started to decline, and now it’s been over a year since we’ve had sex, with the gaps seemingly getting longer and longer.

I know my attraction to him has faded over time as our intimacy and emotional/romantic connected has also tapered. We don’t really flirt with each other anymore, our playfulness doesn’t feel like it turns me on when he tries, and I feel so terrible because I want to feel it and be a good partner mutually to him. My desires and interests have shifted over the years especially as I’ve experienced SA and have been healing, now I crave different things maybe and that’s contributed to the misalignment.

He is a great person, objectively attractive, and we have common values and are building a life together. He wants to make it work and so do I, but it’s also been years of this and it weighs on me so much as it gets worse. I know I need some kind of fulfillment sexually with my partner, but I also want to be able to put in work in the relationship to try to work things out and improve our dynamic, I don’t want to just give up.

Has anyone come back from feeling no attraction or arousal by their partner? I don’t really know what meeting in the middle looks like for us with this. I can’t force myself into intimacy if I don’t feel arousal, and I feel so much guilt for not feeling it with him, even though I know I am still capable of arousal and being turned on because I can get off by myself and have fantasies and desires, it’s just with my partner we don’t feel aligned I guess..

Any advice and suggestions very appreciated, thank you!!

As title says, I've (F, 29) been in a dead bedroom relationship with my boyfriend (M, 28). We've been together for 1.5 years, and have had sex a total of 3 times. Before we got together and were still in a dating phase, he said that sex wasn't too important to him, so maybe just once a month would be okay. I agreed with him on that but he never followed through. I've brought this up with him multiple times, and each time he said he would try but it never happens.

Additional context, we are in a long distance relationship, living in two separate states that is about a 4 hour drive or an hour flight, but we do visit each other monthly. However no intimacy ever ensues between the two of us. Just kisses on the cheek and holding hands.

The dead bedroom is a source of argument so I honestly find it tiring to bring up. Whenever I ask about sex (which builds up every few months) or if he feels sexually attracted to me, he ends up attacking me saying it's always me telling him what I want, but never about him, but he also doesn't initiate or share anything he wants with me. During those arguments/discussions, he tells me he is sexually attracted to me, but not sexually attracted enough to want to have sex with me.

Recently during one of our visits, I asked him about sex, and he told me next time. Then he tells me feels stressed when I bring up sex, which leads me to feel that this is a neverending problem. I ask for sex, he says next time and feels stressed, I feel bad for asking, I try not to ask again until it builds up and it starts all over again.

I'm considering leaving the relationship because I feel so undesired and unwanted, despite his constant reassurances that he does find me attractive.

Most of our conversations regarding this are done via messaging, so I'm thinking to talk to him about it when we meet in person to avoid having it blow up. What should I say or do at this point?

I am losing the will to fight. I HLF and my parter LLM just…aren’t even talking anymore.

Has anybody ever gotten to the point with their spouse where they don’t even try to continue the conversation?

Haven’t been intimate for 5 months now. He doesn’t hold my hand, he doesn’t give me more than a peck.

I’ve been getting angrier and angrier and he says that he notices -but when I tell him why, He just says he’s sorry “I suck”.

Great. Thanks.

What scares me is I’m getting less angry and more resigned everyday.

29F 30M. How do you reconnect when you’ve lost the spark? Background - had a DB for most of our relationship due to medical reasons on both sides. We fixed our health issues, have started having sex over the last year, but it’s still not super frequent and I feel like we haven’t been able to properly connect. We have beautiful moments but it’s off and on and I’d like it to just be natural. Did anyone else have a breakthrough and reconnect with their lover?

How do I deal with him masturbating? It’s been 1.5 years since we last had sex/make out. I’ve stopped initiating about a year ago cause it hurts so much to get rejected. I know he still takes care of business and I’m especially very sensitive when I know he’s been in th bathroom for a long time. I literally feel a stabbing pain in my chest whenever that happens. My mind says he’s just wanting a quick (no performance pressure) release, but my heart says I’m being betrayed.

More context here if anyone is interested.

But more importantly, I’m in dire need of some advice…

To all the fellow humans here, I’m sorry for the next sentence. i have been going through the posts and comments here and I feel so relieved to know i’m not the only person in the world that feels this way. Sometimes i read through some posts and comments and I see myself in them, and that makes me feel sad about how unfortunate we all are.

As much as it hurts me to even acknowledge it, I’ve become so emotionally distant from my partner, while still feeling like the 12 year old who got butterflies when i first saw her. I don’t even understand how my 30 year old self can feel both at once. When i now look back at our 10 year old relationship, I feel so betrayed by the constant reassurances that i was given about intimacy. I feel like such an idiot for believing her and thinking of a happily ever after.

There’s now nothing but a constant battle between calm and chaos inside me all the time. I am conflicted between starting to accept the fact that nothing will get better and that I will continue to spiral down in a loop that i have created for myself, or to just get out of all of this, run far away somewhere i can actually feel like myself again.

I want to think about myself for once and not feel guilty for it. I still dream of a life where i am with someone who love me for who I am too and not just for how much i sacrifice for her. Someone who can keep up and be the version of us we fell for in the first place. Yet, my whole being of self crumbles apart the moment i see her eyes get teary, rushing to do everything to make her feel better again.

Will i ever know love again in this lifetime?

I can just hold her now, and it's nice, because that's all it's going to be, and holding her is nice.

I can just kiss her now.

I can just sit on the couch and have her lean into me, and that's nice :)

If I want to get off, I jerk off.

I think of her as physically unable to participate, and that was the mental switch I needed.

In a way, she is.

That's okay. I have my things too.

I posted about our DB last year, and got a lot of great feedback and support. I’m trying to write this objectively and without apportioning blame on anyone as it’s just one of those things that life throws at us.

Over a year later from my last post and the same frustrations remain. We’re 51(m) and 53(f), and I’ve always had a higher drive than her. However the situation we find ourselves in is nobodies fault. My partner has had long standing health issues and had a full hysterectomy over 18 months ago. In the last three years we’ve had sex 3 times as a result.

We went on a two week holiday this year and had everything we needed with us to attempt to kick start our sex life. But it just didn’t happen. I attempted to initiate several times and she rolled over and started reading her book. We spoke about it later on and she apologised, but every time I’ve tried to engage since has been declined for various reasons. I understand that things have changed massively for her post op. I’m doing my best to be patient, supportive and caring for her.

I love her immensely, but it’s frustrating. We both have busy lives, rarely argue and have a relatively healthy relationship. Despite everything, it’s hard not to feel that constant undercurrent of rejection and being unseen.

I (HLM) am in a 4 year relationship with a LLF. Until a year ago, we lived apart in different cities several hours from each other. We saw each other every other month, and while we had an incredibly active sex life at the start it soon changed - first it became reasons like she was on her period, but she’d say that next time we met up we’d make up for lost time (which we never did). Then, she was on SSRIs which killed her sex drive completely. She came off them (and on a different medication) but still no heightened sex drive. I thought moving in with each other might have an impact, but it hasn’t - instead the problem is now unavoidable every single day.

She has suggested that I see other people, but I’m not sure if I should. It feels like a trap, in a way. But the lack of sexual desire is getting to me, I feel so undesired - I want to be wanted, and I especially want to be wanted by her.

My wife and I (HLM/LLF) are both 40 and married for 10 years, have two little kids (6/2), we have sex on average once a year, usually we have a month after we fight and talk about it feelings and the needs of each other, her needs it’s quality time and receiving gifts, and I pretty much fulfill everything she wants, I work full time remotely and she’s SAHM, I wake up early, prep breakfast, prep our kid to school, taking him to school, then get back and mostly take care of our second kid while working and doing all the chores in the house (cooking, cleaning, bathing kids, laundry, trash, and everything else) all of that so she can have some quality time so at least we can enjoy each other, instead I get doom scrolling and rejection every time I ask for sex, nothing spontaneous, I always have to ask, and get rejected. Also, every couple of months I get her and expensive gift , this past few months we took and expensive trip, gave her and expensive jewelry, and bought her another expensive gift with in the span of 2 months.

In my entire 10 years of marriage, I had 1 BJ early in our marriage, now if we have sex, it’s always in the shower, always the same thing, and nothing else, there is intimacy, nothing.

I just don’t know if it’s just my fault, or if I’m doing something wrong, or it’s just my shitty luck, i did a vasectomy last year hoping that it will spark things between us, thinking that she was afraid of getting pregnant again, it led to have sex twice in the past year.

Sorry for the long post, just rambling I guess.