its been almost two years since i fell in love with krishna and became his devotee. since then, he's become a very important part of my life. but despite all the love and connection i feel for him, ive been facing some difficulties on my spiritual journey, and i wanted to vent a little..
krishna is part of my everyday life. i read the bhagavad gita, listen to bhajans, and think about him a lot. i'd love to visit the temple more often, but i live far away, and getting there takes time and planning. i also don't have a hindu community nearby, so most of my devotional life happens alone.
recently, i had a conflict with someone that ended up preventing me from going to the temple. i felt that this person had acted intentionally and indirectly made it difficult for me to go. he's catholic, and i'm not sure whether that detail matters. i was completely devastated and cried desperately that day. in the middle of that heartbreaking crying, i even found myself thinking that krishna hated me. i prayed desperately, in tears, and it's difficult to even put into words what i felt at that moment.
throughout my teenage years, i always considered myself agnostic. but i cant remember ever wishing so much for god to exist, to truly be there and hear me, as i did that day. i'd never felt such a deep need to be heard by something divine. the temple means so much to me, and all of this happened while i was already feeling discouraged and dealing with other personal struggles, including my doubts and feelings about eating meat.
another thing i've been noticing is how much envy, anger, jealousy, and ego i can carry within myself. i love krishna, but i'm still myself, with my sense of humor, my opinions, and my flaws. i don't want devotion to mean erasing my personality or becoming someone i'm not. at the same time, i'm troubled by some of the feelings i carry, and i wonder what to do with them within my spiritual life.
i've been comparing myself to a much older friend who discovered hinduism about a month ago. she's already bought a saree and visited the temple, experiencing things i've been longing for for almost two years. i know this isn't a competition and that we're at different stages of life, but i still feel envious, and i hate comparing myself to her like this.
there's also some resentment because when i opened up to her about my struggles, my discouragement, and the situation that prevented me from visiting the temple, i felt like she didn't genuinely care. later, she came to me for advice about a romantic situation involving someone from the temple. i ended up distancing myself, partly because that hurt. maybe i also had expectations of this friendship, but it's painful to feel that someone turns to you for advice and support without necessarily showing the same interest when you're the one who needs it.
separately, there's another person from a completely different friend group, who doesn't know my friend, and vice versa. this person used to belittle my faith. i experienced religious intolerance from them, as they compared hinduism to christianity and claimed that hinduism had copied christianity. because of these experiences, i've developed a very negative view of their opinions and character.
then, out of nowhere, i found out that this person had attended ratha yatra and started posting things related to hinduism, almost as if they'd become a completely different person. it brought up a lot of anger, confusion, and envy. i don't know what really motivated this change, and i recognize that i can't know their intentions. but part of me wonders whether they're trying to impress someone or cultivate an image of being spiritual and good vibes, as if nothing that happened before had ever existed.
i think there's also something bigger behind my reaction: sometimes, i'm genuinely perplexed by what hinduism seems to be becoming in the west, or at least by the way i've seen some people relate to it. i don't know how fair this perception is, but it bothers me to see something so sacred and meaningful to me presented, in certain contexts, as an aesthetic, an identity, or a trend, especially when it comes from people who once disrespected my faith. and then i feel guilty for feeling this way.
all of this has made me wonder whether i'll ever find close friendships with other devotees. sometimes, i feel like we're so different in personality that i'd have to change who i am to fit in. i don't want to pretend to be more serene, more delicate, or more spiritual than i really am just to belong in a community.
i also feel envious of christians here in brazil. they seem to have more opportunities to go to church together, talk about christ, and share both meaningful conversations and everyday nonsense. there's a sense of community and familiarity that i deeply miss. meanwhile, i have to deal with distance and complicated logistics just to visit a temple.
sometimes, i wonder whether sanatana dharma, at least as i've experienced it so far, has more to do with solitude, meditation, and inner work than with the kind of companionship i long for. i know this is just my personal impression and doesn't necessarily represent hinduism as a whole. i just wish my spiritual life had more community, more time spent together, more people i could talk to about krishna and also about completely mundane things.
i don't think i'm a better devotee than anyone else, and i don't want to judge who belongs in hinduism based on when they discovered krishna, their appearance, or how they express their devotion. i don't want to nurture resentment either. but i can't simply switch off my feelings, and sometimes it seems that, on top of dealing with life's difficulties, i also have to deal with the guilt of not being the devotee i'd like to be.
for those of you who've struggled with envy, anger, or resentment in your devotional life, how do you deal with these feelings without considering yourselves terrible devotees? how do you reconcile your love for krishna with your own imperfections without feeling like you have to erase who you are?
and for those of you who live far away from temples, how do you cope with the isolation? have you managed to build devotional friendships despite having very different personalities??
idk...sometimes, all i really want is to feel that i'm not alone on this journey. i'd be grateful for any advice, if you feel like sharing. im genuinely asking with an open heart, and i hope to learn from your experiences.
