I was in hospital due to some weird pains four weeks out from my egg retrieval. At first she carelessly asked “exciting! so when's your transfer booked?” We have no viable embryos so I said as much and that my next egg retrieval will be next month.

As she drops me off for the ultrasound she turns and asks this question in the title. A part of me wanted to say “how many times would you try if you were infertile?” but of course that would be mean and who knows her story so i bite my tongue.

Instead I avoid answering directly and say, “you know how this goes, there's no guarantees” but she doesn't take the hint. “Sure, but how many times are you willing to do this?”

🫠At that point I couldn't help but glance at her big bump. I quickly looked back up and wearily replied, “I can't tell you. All I can do is keep trying.”

Seriously. Just got diagnosed with PCOS, having wonky periods, bleeding between periods, facial hair, the whole nine. Friend drops it on us that she’s having twins. Me being me still creating a gift basket for her shower next week. All of the cute baby things are breaking my heart, yet another friend yet another gift. Never my turn.

he was obviously joking and we understand. but true though 🤔🤣

Regret telling them about it and this will be my last. The least thing I want now is the lack of support.

Drowning in complicated feelings. I feel like I'm not trying hard enough to become a parent. Feel exhausted worrying about it so much. Feel like I'm not good enough. Like I'm just not putting on enough effort. If I just try harder, it'll happen.

Meanwhile, trying to be "fine" in the rest of my life.

This was after our consultant said her and the lab think we might be dealing with sperm issues based on what they observed during fertilisation. So it’s DNA frag time.

It dawned on me a few hours later that in that meeting she never mentioned his undescended testicle surgery being a potential factor so I ask him and he “can’t” remember if he disclosed it.

He filled out his own forms and says he doesn’t remember being asked this question… pretty sure there was a box called “anything else relevant” so it should have gone in there.

Fml

Here's some cramps to make you uncomfortable at work, ya dummy.

Revving up for FET #4, and my manager is wonderful, she really is. She's very supportive of what has been an arduous process. My workplace has been happy for me to have exemptions from my in-office requirement during all of my transfers so far, as long as I let my manager know what's what. So I'm pretty fortunate on that front.

But god, I see my own face in the Teams window when I'm trying to be light and breezy about it "oh, you know, we're going again soon, so I'll get dates for my exemption to you when I know." And that little picture of me in the bottom right? She is not looking light and breezy, folks. She looks like a woman who has spent thousands on failure and is only getting older.

But it is what it is. It's okay. Nothing to be done about it but keep moving forward, right? 🙃

Okay, sun please explode now 🫠

Things are feeling cramped much sooner than usual in my lower abdomen too so I'm choosing to be delulu and tell myself that my DORvaries are responding really well this time and it's absolutely not the huge-arse endometrioma acting up in me. 🫠

I may be of “advanced maternal age” but these eggs are NOT 😂😂

three years in and they really think we give a flying fuck about the gender at this point….

They couldn’t explain why I can’t get pregnant. Still have 2 more Letrozole rounds to go. Then they will refer me to do the HSG then consider doing IVF. We couldn’t afford the treatment so we would likely to go under public funded which will take unto 18 months 🥲🥲🥲

Why is everyone pregnant everywhere?!

Embracing full dulu that this HAS to be our month because of all the “signs” as if I haven’t seen “signs” for numerous months 😅

Feel free to enjoy the delusion with me by sharing what “signs” you’ve seen and/or the woo woo things you’ve done that have convinced you things will work out

The catastrophic inability to read the room will be the death of me I swear. Not to mention, our daughters should’ve been a year apart almost to the day. Please fuck off.