!TW!: Mentions of Self harm, suicide, depression and other things related to mental health and trauma.
Idk if my post will get deleted bc of mentioning these things but they are indeed super important in what I'm talking about. Also the post might be pretty long.
To give you a little bit of a backstory and context, I am 17 nearing 18, almost my whole life I've been going to therapists, psychiatrists and all, as growing up I had problems with communicating my feelings and thoughts that it lead to a sort of chronic depression and it manifested into physical pain such as violent trembling, panic attacks and even hallucinations. My parents legit thought I was possessed (which partially can be true)
I also have social anxiety, sometimes it's severe, sometimes I can overcome it.
These few years were a rollercoaster. When I was 14 I was diagnosed with Bipolar II and took meds that made me feel like shit.
Specifically my 1ère année and 2éme année, in my first year of Lycée I changed schools in the second semester bc my parents thought it has better education and is more serious than my current school, basically it was prestigious.
Thing is, I got bullied, and worse part is, it was the subtle kind. Now, I'm not new to getting bullied as I've been bullied and made fun of for most of my school life. But that time it was hell. It was so severe I stopped eating, drinking, sleeping and just crying in bathroom stalls for hours. And it got worse that I returned to self harm and attempts, then I had a trimester blanc and went back to my old school. The rest of the year went "peacefully"
Last year, I had an année blanche, as shit hit the fan within the first semester and I couldn't continue school due to my mental health, that year I spent it at home and almost stopped talking to everyone I knew while going to therapy.
Except that it was literally a new therapist and psychiatrist every two months. And my mom hated that I took chemical medicines as they made me experience other physical problems.
This year, I went back to school, except I can't stay for more than two hours as I experience a mental meltdown, so we went to ANOTHER team of Psychologists and Psychiatrists, as they suspect that I might have something wrong with the nerves of my brain that makes me blackout in school —Along w severe social anxiety— so we got a brain analysis and turns out I got nothing so I was sent to a another psychologist for therapy.
Which brings us to now.
He concluded that the main issue is the communication problems within the family, and lack of emotional support growing up along with inherited depression from my mother. So the goal is to fix all of that along with "breaking" the fear I get In school as my brain associates danger with it.
I told him about me being bisexual, because it affects my social life in one part which is the way I lose my mind when I realise I like someone wether it's a guy or a girl. I accept who I am, I've accepted it a long time ago cuz the signs were always there. My friends are pretty supportive bc it's not who I'm attracted to they care about, they care about me as a person. I don't give a double fuck what people could think about me. I want someone to be safe and myself with.
My problem is, if my family found out? Life will be harder than it already is, cuz ik my parents. They'll restrict the stuff I own, they'll question all of my friends and how I view them, I won't be able to have a normal platonic connection with a girl In peace without them thinking that there might be something going on.
And that mf said that my parents should know and it should be fixed before it's "too late" and that it's bc of the lack of "feminine" guidance growing up. And he started bringing up religion and all.
"They can't build a family" not everyone wants a family, and they can adopt
"They can get sick bc of sexual contact" Heterosexual couples get sick too, and not everyone wants sexual contact in their relationships
"If they raise a child it'll be like them" that was the dumbest one, cuz legit I knew many people who were straight asf and had parents that either were gay, lesbian, or smth else. And if we go by that logic, then why tf do many straight couples have a queer kid?
I was about to get into an argument w him the more he aggressively began bringing up religion as a form of guilt
Now I'm not the most religious person, I try to fix my religious trauma and my relationship with it is shaky as hell. And the moment I almost brought that up I can see how his face contoured into a judging look. And that's where I was pissed off most. Cuz it made me question; does he bring up religion to all patients? Does he forget not everyone is religious and many have experienced a bad relationship with it??
Anyway. You might be asking "why the hell did you tell him?" And like I said, it's a very important thing cuz it does affect how I sometimes treat people. I tell every psychologist about it.
But NONE of them did what he did, none of them looked at me like I was a parasite, they just asked how does it affect my social life, and all of them said "when you're older you'll be sure" but they focused on how it could affect my behavior and kept secrecy when I explained why my parents shouldn't know.
And this psychologist keeps trying to convince me that they should know and that he'd "help" soften the blow. My last session he brought it up again and tried to convince me that they should now to help fix the "illness", he was like "when do you plan to tell them?"
When I'm able to be financially independent and secure, I'm not taking the damn risk.
I almost snapped, I told him that it's not as important as the fact that I get recurring suicidal thoughts and how badly 1ère année affected me and my relationships with people. And through that I opened to my parents (in the session) about it, why it happened and how and what I felt etc.
Now I'm scared that he might decide to tell them on his own or smth, I fucking regret telling him cause istg my social life will be 10x worse if he tells them. Idk what I should do and I can't suddenly say that I don't want to go to him anymore. I really need an advice or anything that might help even a little.
Thank you for your time if you finished reading all of this, I hope everyone is having a good day.
