I struggle with emotions, I am Audhd (autistic and adhd) which makes it hard for me. I really struggle with worshiping Jesus. I tend to "reimagine" him some times. One day I think of him as a cosmic abstract force. The other day he is an anglo saxon Lord. Why cant I just settle and be content with him? Why do I struggle to worship? I have no doubts, I have gone through lots of that but I have rid myself of it all now. I am seriously starting to wonder if this is more than just me and is some sort of spiritual attack or a hardening of my heart.

(sorry for my bad english! i'm brazilian and english is my second language)

i could probably use the search tab, but i feel like my question is a bit specific (just briefly summarized in the title, which makes it seem sort of broad)

i used to be a deeply conservative catholic (the type to consider entering religious life), but my lifelong attraction to women (i'm a woman) caused me immense suffering. i spent years praying for God to change not only me, but also my feelings; confessing weekly; and eventually accepting that i was called to celibacy because i believed, and was taught by the catechism, that i could never have a relationship with someone i truly loved.

for a while, it was okay. i developed religious ocd and a bunch of other stuff, but i've made my peace with the fact that, as someone with "homosexual tendencies", i was to remain single. i didn't have much of a choice - i tried, so hard, to feel something for the gentlemen who asked me out; i really tried. after many failed attempts at trying to pursue a potential relationship with a man, i simply gave up, and accepted that i would never be able to be with someone i truly loved or felt attracted to. God - and his church - would never allow it. and, for a while, i wasn't burdened by it, or so i thought.

however, when i developed feelings for a girl, my faith began to crumble. people i trusted warned me that i would go to hell if i acted on my feelings, and even some close friends expressed hostility toward homosexuality. i became fully convinced that God was disappointed in me and would punish me for something i couldn't control. eventually, overwhelmed by guilt, fear, and religious ocd, i left christianity and turned to paganism, where i felt more welcomed and accepted.

despite leaving christianity, i guess i never truly stopped believing in God, no matter how much i try. however, I can no longer see him as a loving and merciful father; instead, i fear a punitive God who will condemn me regardless of how hard i try to be a good person. this has left me feeling bitter, resentful, and spiritually lost. i struggle with guilt over my hostility toward christianity and God, unsure whether it stems from fear of punishment or from genuinely missing Him.

recently, I've considered reconnecting with christianity, not necessarily to convert, but to heal my relationship with it and learn to see it differently. the very idea of setting foot in a catholic church makes me nauseous, and overly conservative protestant churches don't feel like a safe option due to my sexuality. i considered a small orthodox parish i met and attended in the past - but i know that, ultimately, their doctrine regarding homosexuality won't differ from that of the catholic church.

however, i found a small, seemingly welcoming anglican parish in my area. i contacted them, explained that i'm not christian, and was warmly invited to attend a service (and they even invited me to stay for a small brunch afterwards, if i'd like).

i'd like to take this opportunity to reconnect with christianity at my own pace, without pressuring myself to believe again before i'm ready. i want to heal from my religious trauma, let go of my resentment, and become a more peaceful and loving person. however, i'm worried that visiting the parish with these intentions might be disrespectful or that i could accidentally offend someone, which i'm certainly trying to avoid.

i'd appreciate any advice on approaching this experience respectfully while prioritizing my emotional and spiritual well-being. i'm a bit scared that they might coax me into converting again (i remember going to a completely random evangelical protestant church with a friend when i was young, and they repeatedly trying to force me to come to more of their meetings - not that that would be the case, it's just an example), and i don't want it to feel like an obligation. to be fair, i'm not a hundred percent sure about what i'm looking for right now - i just know i no longer want to feel such animosity towards christianity because of my trauma, and i no longer want to perceive God as a punitive father who completely hates me.

With Spooky Season well underway, and Hallowtide right after, I thought it might be apropos to raise the subject of prayer for the departed in Anglicanism, and particularly attempts at reviving the medieval, Daily Office-style devotions known as the Office for (or "of") the Dead.

Derek Olsen of St Bede Productions has his version in two flavors: one more traditional in emphasis and one with a more 1979-ish "unity of all the baptized" focus. I, for my part, have sometimes said parts of the Burial service in memory of individuals who'd gone on to their reward.

Has anyone else encountered, used, or tried to create an organized devotion for the departed? I'd be especially interested if it was a robustly Protestant form: Bishop Andrewes was said to have prayed for the dead a lot, but the Preces Privatae aren't exactly known for their ease of reference!

Go To Confession.

Go To Confession.