EDIT : Sorry for posting my vent thoughts here. I didn't know who else to go to at the odd hour and thought it might help calm me down. I feel awkward fully deleting because some nice people messaged, but I get it. I'm a mess who prolly can't handle the stress of a phd. Ignore the post entirely, I'm a sensitive bitch and ig internet isn't for me. /s
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hi I know this is more of a rant, but idk I feel like my heart is beating out of its chest. this post is going to be so deliriously written, im so sorry.
I know that it is possible to overcome lower grades with research experiences / pubs and I do have a lot of those. and I did improve my grades in my masters and they're better, not the best but better. (I just got medicated for adhd, im not mentioning that in application but just for your context for why my grades were terrible, I know that)
My undergrad grading scheme as following
A+ = 10, A = 10, A- = 9, B = 8, B- = 7, C = 6, C- = 5, D =4, F = fail = 2
this grade conversion to the US GPA is compulsory for some colleges and using Scholaro and what not, my gpa usually comes out to be ~3.5. which is not the greatest. but doable since I have a masters to make up for it.
But the grading conversion system for this college is (compulsory)
"The worksheet defines A = 4, B = 3, C = 2, D = 1, and F = 0. For intermediate grades, add or subtract 0.3 (e.g., B+ = 3.3 and A− = 3.7). An A+ is capped at 4.0."
This literally lowers my grades from 3.5 to 3.12 since I did not have a B+, C+.D+ etc in undergrad, so it goes from A (3.7) to B(3) to B-(2.7) to C(2)
And I know I brought this upon myself but I feel like throwing up. I had had a meeting with a professor at this college and was so excited to apply since he seemed really receptive. (professors have a say in this program after initial selection, it becomes almost direct recruitment) but now I feel like this grading system has ruined any chances I had and I can't calm down.
I'm so sad, I had a call with my mom and she told me how great I was doing, but I feel like I'm just having constant panic attacks. I hate that I'm such a disappointment, I hate that she has this false faith in me when I know that this cycle is going to be the same as the last one. I hate disappointing everyone who has these hopes for me.
I love research, but these applications makes me feel like I'm being crushed under my failures and worthlessness. I can't stop spiralling. why does working make me feel on the top of my world and why do applications make me feel like the most useless person ever.