Hi everyone. I'm Rehnuma, a Psychotherapist and Counselling Psychologist in training at the University of Roehampton, researching what it's like to live with longstanding feelings of emptiness for my doctoral thesis.

I guess what drew me to this topic is hearing clients over the years talk about feeling empty - with everyone having such different experiences of this. It comes up fairly often in my practice - but there doesn't seem to be a lot of detailed research on what it's like to live with it. We have a lot of (mostly psychoanalytic) theory around why people feel empty, but not a lot of first-hand accounts of people talking about their experience of it - which seems unthinkable given that it's one of the DSM diagnostic criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).

My research will be one of the first attempts to highlight in detail people's actual lived experiences of emptiness, so we can inform training for mental health professionals and most importantly, think about what people who live with feelings of emptiness need to live fulfilling lives.

If you've experienced longstanding feelings of emptiness, I'd be interested to hear what that's been like for you over the years. You can take part as long as you are:

• Over 18
• Living in the UK
• You have had longstanding experiences of feeling empty - whatever that means to you.
• You're OK to talk in detail about your experiences of emptiness and how it affects you.

You do not need a diagnosis of any kind to take part.

Please contact me by DM with your email address, or email me on [choudhur1@roehampton.ac.uk](mailto:choudhur1@roehampton.ac.uk) expressing your interest and I'll be in touch to arrange the screening and online interview with you, and answer any questions you might have.

If it helps, you can find out more about me on my website: https://www.rehnumapsychology.co.uk/

Or on LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/rehnumapsychology/

Thanks all, hope to hear from you soon.

Rehnuma Choudhury,
Psychotherapist and Trainee Counselling Psychologist

So, a childhood friend of mine is suicidal. I came back into her life after 8 years (lightly kept in touch on Facebook) when she moved back. She never asked me to, but I have offered to buy her stuff, help with her kids in different ways, took time and energy off of my day which I didn't have to focus and help her.

So, 3 days ago, she added me to a group chat, where she allowed her friends to troll or torture me (I left the gc pretty quickly) and seconds later she fully cut me out of her life on every single social media platform and phone/text.

My interpretation of what happened is: She allowed her friends (people she's never introduced me to) torture/do whatever to me. It was like she added me to the chat and was like, "okay, here she is, do and say whatever you want to do to her before I cut her out of my life." So, she allowed others I don't know to torture me before offing me.

Yesterday, she readds me only on Facebook, nothing else. I told her we need to talk about what happened in the group chat and she was like "oh that fun discord group chat". "We were going to let you in on the joke.". Dude, I'm not dumb, the joke was me and she was never going to let me in on anything considering she quickly cut me out of her life after that.

My question: How do you tell a person who is suicidal that they broke your trust without it damaging their mental health?

BASICS: I am 69. I'm straight. I live in the UK. I live alone. I have suffered mental health issues for 55 years. Those are: depression, anxiety, hypochondria, health anxiety, agoraphobia (30 years) and now, also, severe Anhedonia. (I'm also autistic.)

My anhedonia has wiped out 17 of my pleasures, rewards or hobbies, pastimes or interests.

Some of those lost interests were:

01. Watching movies. 02. Listening to music. 03. Writing a diary.

04. Reading non-fiction books. 05. Eating chocolate.

06. Smoking (no great loss). 07. Weight training.

08. Running forums/sites/Facebook groups.

09. Collecting edged/bladed weapons.

10. Car racing game (Gran Turismo) on the PlayStation.

11. Playing chess against online computers. 12. Doing Codeword puzzles, online.

13. Photography. 14. My Faith (the most heartbreaking one of all).

15. Late Summer Evening Long Walks.

THE ANHEDONIA: ...was caused when, in January of last year, a hospital I had to attend and stay in for 3 weeks, took away my Amitripyline 75mg a day - SUDDENLY, NOT GRADUALLY!

***I HAD BEEN ON IT FOR 40 YEARS WHEN THEY RIPPED IT OUT OF ME!**\*

THEY GAVE ME NO MEDICATION TO COVER ME!

The impact of those 2 mistakes by the medical profession were head-spinningly bad.

The withdrawal/breakdown (No 1) were too horrific to describe. My mind just wanted to do anything I had to, to escape such a disgraceful feeling, like nothing I'd ever known. Nothing got through to me, nothing mattered to me, and it was, quite frankly, the most brutally and sickeningly miserable period of my entire life!

I had no idea what to do, then something made it worse: Earlier in the year, I'd begun to understand why depressives end their lives (misery), because I was now feeling the worst misery of my life. That wasn't enough to make me consider suicide, though...not just yet! My thoughts around suicide came later! A few weeks later, something worse happened in my mind. I stood in this bedroom and shocked myself by realising something terrifying:

What if I was a suicide in the making? Would I have the will, when the time comes, to stop myself?

Would it be something that, when it comes, I have no possible control over?

That notion popping into my head managed to scare me so badly, that I ended up realising that I was having another breakdown. Time for professionals. So, in May, last year, my 2nd breakdown put me in a psychiatric hospital (voluntary, residential) for all of June and July. I left there (July 28th) on 30mg a day of Mirtazepine, which I am on, now

There is nowhere for UK patients, who are lonely, to go, over here. We're largely neglected and looked down upon!

I'LL EXPLAIN HOW MY SITUATION REALLY FEELS, IN ANOTHER WAY...

Last year, I died! I died from that sudden, severe Amitriptyline starvation, and withdrawal.

I'M THE GHOST OF WHO I USED TO BE, WHEN ALIVE! ALL I DO IS HAUNT THIS HOUSE IN WHICH I LIVED! I'm a spectral detective, aimlessly haunting the house I lived in, just using what I see as clues to what being me might have been like, back then. I'm like an archaeologist. I wonder what it was like to be me, when I was alive. The only escape that I can ever get is the only escape that I do get...SLEEP. Y'see...WHEN YOU'RE ASLEEP, YOU'RE NOT MENTALLY ILL. The only catch is: you're not awake to be anything mentally well, then, either.

- I see I watched movies because there are 800 of them, downstairs.

- I see that I listened to music, according to hard drives and CDs.

- I read books, because they're still around, one with a bookmark in.

- I know I smoked cigarettes because there is a pack/lighters in this bedroom.

- I know I did weight training, because my bench is in the downstairs front living room.

- I know I collected edged/bladed weapons because there are many hundreds of them around, upstairs.

- I know that, when he was alive, I ate Aero chocolate because when I got back to his home, there were boxloads of Aero chocolate bars lying around.

- I know I was an amateur photographer, because I found several expensive cameras in the house.

- I know I was a practising Christian, because I found a small wooden "holding" cross in my bed. That is the saddest one of all of them.

THAT'S HOW BADLY HAMMERED OUT OF SHAPE MY LIFE CURRENTLY IS!

And, the loneliness is the worst part!

Tw: suicidal thoughts,sh

I recently texted SHOUT and they said they were doing a welfare check, I immediately stopped the convo and now I'm terrified.I can't give much information,I didn't say I was gonna kms or anything I just said I sh.i will be alone when this happens but I'm a minor so I'm not sure what to do I just need someone to help me.i'm so scared.Just give me a rough time estimate for when they will give up on doing the check

Several years ago I had a major psychotic episode which is now a psychotic disorder (unspecified) I have also recently received a autism diagnosis, I haven’t really been socialising for years since my episode and it’s gotten to the point I just flat out won’t go or turn up to anything. My question is is is there anything I can ask my psychiatrist for in terms of autism based trauma treatment as I don’t know what my options are and really need some help. I am treated for my psychosis with a monthly jab but it still slips through and I am paranoid and suspicious of people.

I was discharged from the ward two weeks ago, and for some reason, I really want to go back. It was hell there, I cried. It sucked. But I do want to go back. Can’t tell you why.

I’m a constant risk to myself. I harm myself and attempt often. I’ve been recently trying to avoid it, but it’s getting to a point where I just don’t know what to do anymore.

I don’t deserve to live life like I do. I hate it. I wish I was normal. My anxiety is through the roof all the time. I just feel like I’m a massive failure and can’t do anything at this point.

It was nice to have support and people behind me. But I caused so much stress and fear within my family and friends. It made me feel so guilty. I hate myself for that too.

Hi, guys. I'm new. I live in the North West of England, on Merseyside.

I suffer from depression, severe anhedonia, anxiety, health anxiety, autism, agoraphobia - and, the sort of loneliness that nobody imagines could possibly be real!

Whereabouts are you all? :)

I've been struggling a lot recently so I tried getting in touch with my care coordinator. The first day I contacted them, they said they'd call later but didn't. I then texted them twice the next day but got no response. I tried calling them but they hung up and finally said they couldn't talk. i then cried at work for the first time.

Just before 5pm, i turned off the volume on my phone and stopped checking every few seconds as it seemed to be annoying my supervisor. I also assumed they wouldn't call because of how late it was. Pne minute before 5pm, they called and I missed it. I noticed just after 5pm but it was too late and they wouldn't respond. Again, I went to a meeting room and cried long enough that when I got back to the office, my supervisor had finished his work, packed up and gone. I then cried again.

I got home and as much as I tried to keep it in, I just cried and cried. This was also the first time in a while I actively considered hurting myself.

Im between them calling me and me noticing, they texted me saying they'd be off the next day and to call the crisis line or duty if I needed to. Additionally, that we could talk when they returned a couple of days later. I haven't heard from them since. I also didn't call the crisis line or duty as I feel like they can't be trusted.

I'm still struggling but I don't know if i want to let them know. I'm increasingly less sure they (or anyone to be honest) can be trusted and are who they say they are. Additionally, if I do reach out and the same thing happens, I don't think I'll cope.

I don't really know how to move forward. I'm still struggling but I don't know who I can trust.

I have so many physical health issues. The doctors swear it's because of a personality disorder I was diagnosed with as a teenager, a diagnosis that was revoked years after and replaced with C-PTSD.

I don't know what I'm supposed to change, and what I'm supposed to learn to live with and is just a part of me now. I spend my therapy sessions stressing about my physical health and I don't feel I ever get anywhere.

The GP looks at me like I'm crazy and just asks how I've been doing mentally. The pain is so bad some days I want to end my life, but if I say that, they assume it's because of a mental health condition and not the pain.

The mental health team have declined to treat me further - which surely makes no sense if this is all mental. But no physical tests are revealing anything. I don't know what to do. I've been back and forth with the doctor for years. I'm so tired. I'm so tired.

Sorry it's a long one, skip the first 3 paragraphs if you just want to the CMHT referral question. Tl;dr at bottom.

I went to the GP today to finally talk about my mental health, it took me 4 years to book this appointment, and it was over in 3 minuets. She really did not give a flying fuck and just send me a message with the talking therapy's number, we barely even talked.

Since then I've been googling CMHT referrals and I feel like a naïve idiot. I went into the appointment hoping for a referral, I have OCD (more on that later..) and according to all the OCD charity websites I qualify by the NICE guidelines for secondary care, I went in foolishly believing I'd simply get referred, be assessed, and be seeing a phycologist by December. I can't believe I expected the NHS to actually work.

Now I've read more, I'm finding out that CMHT only care for the most severe cases in actual practice, I read comments saying some don't even take OCD and only disorders with psychosis, or first you need to attempt, or call the helpline multiple times, show up at A and E, try every drug under the sun ect. All of which I haven't done.

I really, really do not want to do talking therapies, I done two lots with them before years ago and they where ineffective and made it worse then, I'm in a considerably worse place now and don't want to waste another 8 months of my life. I've lost my entire twenty's, I want to live so fucking badly and finally have a life and I was so hopeful and proud of my self for finally getting help, and now it just feels like a kick in the teeth. All I want is a longer term phycologist, which I guess is a huge ask.

So now I'm wondering, am I actually bad enough for the CMHT? So to give as much context as I can, I'm long term unemployed on the higher bracket of UC disability benefits, I have been for 7 years. To put it simply, I can hardly function, I (not officially diagnosed so take with a grain of salt) have OCD, probably ADHD, probably depression, probably OCPD, and potentially Autism (I certainly have traits). Every day I'm exhausted and barely scrape by. I spend between 4-8 hours in the bathroom, this is the biggest sink, with 2-3 of those hours being compulsions and the other hours waiting till I have enough energy to do the next compulsion. I can't cook or prepare hot food, I find eating difficult as I see food as a contaminate and spend 40 mins afterwards cleaning myself and my teeth. I barely leave the house as touching anything out side it causes me to panic, that include rain drips (not actual rain itself), dust/detritus, leaves, people brushing past, ect. I leave the house once a week for 2 hours to go shopping, that's pretty much it. I can do a 'dirty' day where I touch things, but the trade to that is several hours in the bath when I get home and cleaning every item I took out, but it gives me grace to occasionally do some things (it's exhausting though). I still have other kinds of OCD, like I 'believe' a 'god' is watching me at all times judging me like a kind of karma system, oh and he hates my guts and enjoys me suffering.

The depression isn't that bad, even though I score between 18-22 on the PHQ-9, I've lost enjoyment or interest in pretty much everything but video games and the fan fiction to my current hyper fixation, I still enjoy them though I find it hard to concentrate or relax into them a lot. I've lost my other hobbies, like photography, painting, hiking, cinema ect. My sleep schedule is fucked and back to front (which makes getting out harder) but I can get up pretty easily half of days, and only have suicidal thoughts on 1 in 3 days, I've never been suicidal, only self harm once-ish a month. And while I've lost my identity I don't feel too down about my self. My anxiety is also pretty good, but that's largely because I stopped giving a shit and cared less, so worrying just doesn't bother me anymore, so my GAD 7 score stays at a steady 14.

Overall though, I just cannot really function, it takes me forever to get the most basic task done, I'm constantly exhausted, I have zero social life (apart from 1 friend who's a real one), I can't do anything, or at least it feels like that. I've spent my twenties like this. And I know 10 sessions with a councillor ain't gonna do jack shit. But is this enough? I'm no suicidal, or had psychosis, I've never tried medication (and really really, REALLY, don't want to, I know I know, it's dumb, but I can't, I just can't risk PSSD), and my depression is only maybe moderate at most. I'm not sure I'm co-morbed enough to be considered a complex case.

My last resort is going private, I refuse to do talking therapies again, it'll take up most of my monthly money and leave me bankrupt for the foreseeable future, but at least I'll be in the right place.. crazy there's not more of a middle ground when it comes to treatment, the government is all "lets get young adults back into work!" but doesn't want to fund the health care for it... I did get an ADHD RTC referral from the doctor at least so that's something.

Tl:dr - doctor didn't give a shit. I can barely leave the house, I spend hours in the bathroom, I'm scared of debris/dust, rain drips, leaves, food, struggle to eat, can't cook. Believe in a karma god that hates me. Long term unemployed on disability benefits (7 years), 14ish on GAD 7 and 18-22 on PHQ 9, occasional self harm nothing to bad, suicidal thoughts 1 in 3 days, extremely unproductive, constantly exhausted, lost interest in most things (bar video games and fan fiction oof). Trapped into having no energy and spending what I do have on compulsions.

Edit: some people are misunderstanding me, I want therapy, I very much want therapy. Just with a psychologist instead of a councillor and for a long period of time. I’ve found the talking therapy’s very inadequate, leaving me worse of then before both times, with someone who was out of there depths with me, with no time to make any significant progress.

Im in month 3 of dbt. Seen my one to one therapist for about 4 months before, and then started group which I have 3 months left of. What actually happens when group finishes? Is that it? I finish group and then I guess say goodbye to my 1 to 1 therapist to and then it’s done?

Hello. Am coming off my current medication due to side effects, and going to be starting Bupronion.

Anybody been prescribed this? Any experiences to share? I know every body responds differently but ive had such limited response from the numerous anti depressants weve tried so far.

I have ADHD as well so from what I've read, Bupronion might help with that too?

Thanks all

Hi all, I'm LGBTQ+, I am writing that because I get worried sometimes about trying to access a service and encountering someone hateful.

I've been having a bit of a crisis over the last couple of days and having quite significant ideation. I just want someone to talk to, my relationship with my family has become quite strained so it's not an option to have a meaningful conversation about how I am feeling.

I am in Surrey if that helps. I have never tried to access a helpline or crisis service before so I don't understand what I can do and what I can say.

Good morning!

I’m currently dealing with an anxiety episode for about six months where I’m irrationally worrying about everything to do with work. Currently seeing a CBT therapist privately to address that.

I previously had success with 10mg Citalopram a few years ago, where I was table on it for a long time. However, I had a flare up last year where I increased my dose to 20mg which in hindsight made my anxiety symptoms worse. I noticed an uptick in looping thoughts. I reduced back to 10mg after six months of that and felt better.

Since then I’ve had another flare-up and I went back up to 20mg based on my GP’s advice. I think it made a lot of the intrusive thoughts about my work worse. After a particularly bad weekend, I decided to contact my GP and request a change.

They suggested sertraline and gave me some 50mg tablets to try. I tapered off citalopram first for two weeks and during that period I felt MASSIVELY better. By the end of the first day I started feeling hopeful again. By the time I was taking no citalopram at all however, I did start to feel on edge.

I decided to stick to my GP’s plan and start the sertraline. I’ve been taking it for five days and I feel awful. I can cope with the physical side effects but the intense increase in anxiety is getting me down and worried that I’ll ever feel like myself again.

I’m left thinking did I make a mistake? Is an intense increase in anxiety within five days of taking sertraline common?

Lowest I’ve ever been atm, past day or so mu mood felt elevated and was very anxious, intrusive thoughts to hurt myself etc. been seeing crisis team since last Wednesday (1.5 weeks), found their visits helpful in the fact I could stay safe until the next visit, today’s was unexpectedly the last, and because my mood is up I said confidently I felt fine about that idk how I felt lol. I’ve since had a breakdown tjis evening and all the suicidal thoughts are back and so convincing. I also SH’d earlier for first time in ages, crisis team knew about the SH and also my mood spiking up etc.

I have private insurance through my dad, it renews on Nov 1st and the plan is to keep myself alive to go back inpatient for a month (I was there in the summer and two years ago, lots of therapy, as hospitals go it’s good)

But I just feel so fucking hopeless. I’m lorazepam Ed up to my eyeballs tonight to cope, but will my PRN last me until 1st nov, I tried calling mental health hun number for support (the areas 111) but can’t get through. My brain feels completely fucked. I really hoped crisis team might see me through til I could go back to hospital. I feel so scared and unsafe and don’t want to traumatise my mum by hurting myself here. The plan was always to die at my flat alone, or even while inpatient so she doesn’t find me.

Really struggling to know where to turn. A charity crisis service is calling me tomorrow evenint. I might try nhs text number and maybe call mental health hub again. I felt a lot better and safer when I was under crisis team. Now I feel like I did before they got involved. Maybe all I can do is wait for things to be imminent before reaching out again ? Idk support advice a hug all welcome rn xxx

Update: Waited for an hour to get through the the mental health hub / 111, had big fuck off cry with mum while waiting, done some safety planning for this evening with the staff, absolutely shattered now. One day at a time.

In crisis. Feel like harming myself. A&E won’t see me. Crisis team won’t assess. GP can’t do anything. CMHT claiming they don’t return contact from other services and won’t offer any support during assessment period. What do I actually do in this situation?

Has anyone else experienced this, or have any idea what I can do?

I'm currently in a period of bad self harm, have been since February really. Pretty much every time I've needed surgery and have just had my 12th surgery to clean, debride and close my wounds. The surgeon spoke to me beforehand and said they are probably not going to allow me to have surgery going forward, rather they're going to leave the wounds to close by secondary intention (I.e. just leave them open and heal by wounds changes only). The explanation? Said I've had 14 admissions this year and 12 last year and they aren't willing to do it anymore as "I'm taking the place of real emergencies". I argued that his info is wrong about number of surgeries, and that it is not fair to deny me treatment because it's for regular self harm. He went to speak to management, and when he came back he agreed to operate this time, but reiterated that "other patients' care is being compromised because I'm taking up the theatre space so regularly". Words in quotation marks are direct quotes of what he said to me.

My question is this - is it legal for them to refuse me appropriate treatment just because the wounds are caused by self harm? Surely this can't be the case. It's immoral as fuck, but does anyone know about any kind of legal or procedural framework that might help?

Hi, i'm new to mh services and was referred to cmht 2 weeks ago. I had my first appointment today and have been given a second appointment for next week (tuesday) already. Is this normal? From looking it up beforehand I was under the belief that I had to be "accepted" into the service following the first appointment at their mdt, which is going to be on monday. I'm quite confused as to why I've been given another appointment already (although i am very grateful), does anyone have any similar experiences or insight? thank you :)

Does anyone else do the same thing? Is this normal internal discourse? Am I hurting myself if I truly believe it? Or am I overanalysing nothing.

Hi, just looking for some advice: I found out recently my friend (married w. Kids) has been on dating apps, and I'm pretty certain his wife would not be cool with it.

He used a picture of another friend in his profile (let's call him Chris), and actually matched Chris wifes friend and was messaging for a while. I'm worried something is wrong under the surface for him to engage in such risky behaviour. Is this a sign of anything, and what's the best way to approach chatting to him?

Also I know it's horrible he's cheating on his wife, but he's my friend and I want to make sure he's OK first, he can decide what to do from there

I've just seen a psychiatrist at the CMHT and I laid out all my traumas, history and the fact that I cannot function as a human being because I have chronic nightmares when asleep and awake, sleep paralysis and so forth. I said I was suicidal and I don't feel good, at all, and he just went "Well you don't have OCD or Bipolar, so I'm discharging you from our service" and said I'm fine?

I'm feeling pretty hopeless right now because I genuinely can't get a good night of sleep without paralysis or a series of traumatic episodes and it's affecting my work. I keep taking days off, it's not sustainable. I dissociate constantly, not even my girlfriend can keep up with it anymore nor my family. I'm barely even "here" nowadays.

I tried challenging him and asking questions, but he focused purely on a single aspect of my experience (Sleep paralysis) saying it was "normal" and a normal part of sleep to not be able to move... (No kidding)... Problem is I cannot get out of bed to go to work!!! It drains me!

He did acknowledge I have trauma and said I need a trauma informed specialist, but then just kind of told me to leave and contact the GP again? That's literally where I started?

I don't see the point in why I waited several years for this... Or where to go from here. I just feel super crappy about it, especially since I didn't really get much time to actually verbalise what was going on and he kept filling in the blanks for me. It just felt like box ticking the whole time as he cut me off just to tell me what I don't have... Like thanks, man? I want to know what I DO have?

Anyways apologies for the long vent. I have no one to speak to about this, so I hope you can all be kind enough to let me rest here a while. Thank you.

I’m really scared. The way people with EUPD are treated by the medical system is haunting. I do not want this diagnosis on my record. I do not want to be treated like an alien due to the way my personality formed. I haven’t gotten a diagnosis yet which makes me feel better but I know that they’re trying to get me one as they’ve referred me to a psychiatrist. And so I’m venting about it.

I’ve had EMDR, CBT, DBT, SSRIs, currently on vyvanse

Recently I’ve been feeling really low and despite doing everything meant to keep me from spiralling (eating well, exercising, showering, using DBT skills etc.) I feel like there’s no way out. I’ve toyed with the idea of suicide but made it clear I have no plans to do so

I’m not really seeing the point in these daily visits. They ask how I am, conclude that I’m safe and leave. I feel like quitting CMHT all together because i feel helpless. They can’t do anything more for me. Feels like they’re just there into threatening me into “good behaviour” because if I relapse on drugs I’ll have my vyvanse taken away which is the only thing actually making it possible for me to maintain myself

It seems the more honest I am the more we argue. They tell me I’m doing really well and to keep it up, that everyone goes through hard times. As if I don’t know that. I feel like a pretentious prick for even getting to this point because nothing is wrong, it’s just my brain. I don’t like life but who does?

Is there anything they can actually do or is it just a tick box so they can relinquish responsibility if I were to harm myself?

I was in hospital 2 weeks ago after taking an overdose - I'm ok now, since being discharged I was supposed to have 2 one to one appointments with my scm worker but both were cancelled last minute due to her calling in sick and she's off on annual leave next week. So I've had no real contact since everything happened. I'm feeling a bit let down. Because of the topic I don't feel comfortable talking to any of the other scm workers. I really struggle with change.

Sorry I guess I just needed to get it out.

I've been on sertriline for 4 months now, and all that's happened is that I felt a giant blip of energy for a month right after taking them and I feel miserable the rest of the time I've been taking them. Idk if it's something with the meds or if Its something to do with me and I should be taking different meds. When I wasn't on meds the blips of energy would usually last less than a week but id just feel productive, for the rest of the time I'd just be a self hating slob. I've been on 50mg btw