Hi sis, it’s been a while since I last messaged your old Facebook account. I want you to know that your oldest son reached out to me, he wanted to meet his auntie. He came to my house and it was like we were never separated. I took the kids to a theme park. It was so much fun.

I didn’t realise that I needed help with my grief. I’m working on processing everything, and coming to grips with your suicide. I hope you don’t mind if, one day, I don’t feel your loss too deeply.

Your youngest son has been going through a hard time accepting your loss too. I had to explain to him that you had a brain illness and didn’t know what you were really doing. He’s going to counselling, and I am his trusted confidante which is such a privilege.

I wanted you to know that your children have grown into wonderful human beings whom I cherish with all my heart. I am blessed to be an auntie to such great kids. I take my role as auntie very seriously, and if anyone hurts them, they will incur my mama bear wrath.

I still sign your name next to mine when I write cards to family members. I want to make sure that people know that you live on. My body is a portal and the dreams you had, for the future, are mine now.

You’re going to be an auntie all over again. Our younger brother is having a baby. The baby is due in November. I’m currently not speaking to our younger brother, but you know how a 20 year old is. Minor disagreements turn into immature insults.

I want you to know that I’m not angry at you. My psychiatrist told me I can have an understanding that you were ill, but that I can also be angry at the choice you made. But I can’t. I hold absolutely no anger in my heart for you. I don’t forgive you, because, in my mind, there is nothing to forgive.

I completely stopped drinking alcohol. Mummy and daddy are so proud. I have struggled with alcohol use, I even damaged my liver. Mummy said to me, “If you don’t stop drinking, we’re over.” So I made a promise to her, and I kept that promise. There’s a spark in me somewhere. And I know I’m a fighter. That’s why I always say, “Love is the most powerful emotion.” It can push us to overcome anything.

I had to take diazepam today. I had another panic attack and couldn’t regulate my nervous system on my own. But, as I get help, I’m sure I will get to a point in life where my grief will be a motivating force and not something which cripples me. Your boys are such an inspiration to me and I can learn from them.

I always associate you with bright pink tulips 🌷Too young to have matured your colours, too beautiful to be anything else other than my favourite flower.

As much as I miss you, I can’t keep letting the past intrude on everyday life. My pain is great, but history will not steal today away from me. And I hope you can forgive me for wanting to move on.

I love you so much, sis. Don’t worry about anyone in our family. We are together, and we’ve only ever known togetherness. I’ll be there for your children, celebrating each milestone for the both of us.

Lots of love,
From Missus.

When I think about everything she went through in this life, how hard she fought, her strength, her smile, her hopes for the future and all her dreams, I feel like I’m losing my mind. I keep listening to her messages saying she’d handle things, reading her texts saying she’d be okay.
Hope is gone. At least, hope for this life. All I can do now is hope that she has finally found peace. That’s all she ever wanted, too. She wanted to find some peace in this life. She tried, but it didn’t happen.

four days ago my mom decided to take her own life and I just needed to come on here and vent. For reference I am 21 and my mother was 45. For most of my life, my mom struggled immensely with alcoholism and health problems, from brain cancer that would keep coming back to epilepsy and at least 10 other health problems she all needed medication for. Before all of this started she was a completely different person, she was full of life and she was my best friend, we did everything together- when i was little we would go on bike rides and spend time in nature together, but then she was dealt the wrong cards and she wasn’t the same since. since, she put me through many of the most traumatic experiences of my life, i won’t elaborate but they shaped me into the woman i am today. i started to distance myself from her because I wanted to begin building up my own life and go to college for engineering and hopefully be able to help her more after i graduate, but we didn’t have the greatest relationship the years following her death. she didn’t treat me very well at times and i just stopped wanting to talk to her as much. my grandparents took care of her due to her disabilities and pretty much did everything for her; took her grocery shopping, helped do her laundry, and took her to all of her appointments. she wasn’t very good to them either — i can’t even be mad at her for her anger because she was in so, so much pain and none of us knew what it was like to be in her shoes. she would talk to me about her depression and thoughts of suicide during the years following up to this tragedy and i just couldn’t get through to her it seems, and i don’t think anyone could. i just felt so hopeless, i proposed logical solutions to alot of her issues and she just didn’t take any of the advice i gave her. the day it happened i was doing my homework and around noon i got a text from her but i didn’t open it yet, about 2 mins later i did and it was a voice note and i wont get into details but this didn’t seem like the other times she threatened it, this was different. but i was too late, i should’ve looked at her text sooner. i should’ve called her sooner. instead i called my grandma and asked if she talked to mom mom today and then i called 911. i could’ve saved her. i saw it happen in real time and the guilt i feel is indescribable. my grandpa was somehow the first on the scene before the ambulance and now he has to live with that sight for the rest of his life. she used to tell me how i was the only reason why she was still here and i feel like after i started to focus on myself she felt like she didn’t even have me anymore.

how do you guys deal with the guilt? it’s genuinely so gut wrenching and i wish more than anything i could turn back time and answer sooner. she didn’t deserve any of this.

(This is something I wrote for myself in the depths of grief for my partner who passed.)

You use her favorite hoodie. That same one that belonged to you originally that she never gave back.

You wear the pajamas she loved to wear. She bought matching ones but now you have two pairs.

You have a zodiac sign necklace and you never leave home without. “It’s not even your sign” your friends say.

You put on her perfume. The same one that calmed you down on countless nights.

You go through a box of clothes, you find strands of hair, you keep it, cherish it.

You listen to music, the same ones that made you happy is now filled with bittersweet tones.

You ask yourself, why? How long will you be like this?

You look for purpose, a reason to keep going. Life keeps moving.

All of a sudden you’re older than her now. Time didn’t stop, at least not for you.

Come back. You beg. You cry. You rage. Nothing happens.

You’re empty. The colors of life start to fade. Pain turns to numbness, numbness leads to emptiness.

You stop asking. You stop trying. You don’t see a point in anything anymore.

I love you, always have, always will.

I had my second EMDR session yesterday. I’ve done EMDR before, years ago, for a sexual assault, and I think it worked pretty well, so I wanted to try it again to process losing my sister to suicide.

It’s been almost 16 months, but yesterday during and after session and a little bit today, it felt like I was back when she was still alive and struggling. Like there was a whisper in my mind that there’s still something I could do to stop it.

Logically I know that’s not true but try telling that to my fucked up mind.

It feels really painful to have one foot in the past and one in the present. Dia de los muertos is coming up and I put my ofrenda up over the weekend and today I heard that “remember me” song from Coco and I just sobbed. I don’t want to have to remember her. I don’t want her on my ofrenda, I want her here, you know? I just feel so fragile and sensitive and broken open all over again. I’ve cried more in the last week than I have in the last 3 months. It feels a little like a setback. I know it can get worse before it gets better…I’m just wondering if this is normal. Can it still get better, or am I not strong enough for EMDR?

I’m still able to get through the days and do my work and routines and daily activities. I’m just crying and feeling a lot.

A friend of mine, who I knew for 6 years, killed himself 3 years ago, without warning or explanation. In the immediate aftermath, denial and external responsibilities kept me busy enough not to think about it. It's only now, three years later, that I'm processing it.

He killed himself without warning or explanation, in a pretty violent and horrific manner. Sought exactly no help from anyone, as far as we know. Left no note. Nothing to explain why he did that.

As time has passed, I understand that he was probably internally struggling for a long time. It doesn't really make it any better. If anything, it kind of makes me angry. Is it weird to say that? His death caused so much grief. Was it so much more preferable to end his life and ruin the lives of the people around him, over even trying to get help? We might not have been able to fix whatever was wrong. But we sure would have wanted the chance to try.

On a deeper level, past the anger, I know that whatever drove him to do it, also probably drove him to not tell anyone. It also doesn't make me feel any better. It only makes me wish it was possible to apologize to the dead.

His funeral was hard. I took another long time friend by the arm to see the body. He was too afraid to go alone. I remember getting to the casket and looking down, and his neck was sort of bent. Guess they couldn't fix everything, you know. I had this insane urge to reach in and straighten his neck. For what? It wouldn't fix anything. But I wanted to anyways. And then our friend started crying, and I couldn't fix that either. I sat him down on a pew, and let him hide my face into my shirt as he cried. And as my shirt got soaked, I thought to myself that I couldn't fix anything, or in fact do anything at all, neither for my dead friend nor for anyone in that room, and the stone that sank into my stomach after that never really went away.

I haven't talked about it all these years. Firstly, most people are uncomfortable with grief. It's an... experience, to have to comfort someone else over your grief. I refuse to do it, so I just don't talk about it. And secondly, it's just hard. It was hard then, and it was hard after, and it's hard now. It's probably never going to be easier. If I'm honest, I'll probably never really talk about it.

I guess, on some level, I just wanted to make it real. I wanted to acknowledge what I've been avoiding all these years. He is really dead. It really wasn't anyone's fault. We all have to deal with the consequences anyways.

I wish he hadn't done that, and I miss him.

My mother sucks, she failed, she FAILED. My sister is gone and she's getting showered in sympathy when she. FUCKING. FAILED.

For the last 6 months my sister was no contact with her after coming to my mom in a time of crisis to live at home. What did this witch do? Demand she pay rent and give up any privacy or autonomy. My sister who she KNEW was struggling she took advantage of, never apologized now she has the audacity to fucking SOB for her!?!?

She would've been home, with her and my younger brother, she wouldn't have been alone. She tried to to mediate so fucking hard and my mom ABANDONED her and now she has the FUCKING AUDACITY to claim any fucking credit for TRYING!?!?

Miss me with this fucking bullshit, I've been home for a bit, mainly to spend time with my other surviving sibling but I have to get back to my own place because I cannot with this fucking pageantry. It's taking everything to put on the face of "loving son to his grieving mother" when I know the fucking truth. My younger sister, and brother and my dad all fucking know my mom FAILED.

There's no way to know absolutely if she would've been able to conquer her depression and have had more tomorrows but the the rest of us know we actually fucking tried while my mom sits back after being one of the forces that went out of her way to make the life of my sister worse.

Yesterday my mom texted me that a close family friend had committed suicide. We had drifted apart the last couple of years, but when we grew up she was like a big sister to me. We would go out together, she would show me new interesting and exciting things and I really looked up to her. Always happy, smiling, loving, caring. She had a rough patch with some bad relationships and not really knowing what to do with her life, but nothing out of the ordinary.
Last year she got engaged to a really nice guy, they bought an apartment together and were going to get married in spring. She had a meeting about wedding planning with her future mother in law and when she left the meeting she threw herself of a rooftop.
I am still in shock and disbelief, also because this happened almost two months ago and her mother didn’t tell us until now.
I am so overwhelmed with emotions that I don’t even really know what to write or what advice I’m actually seeking. I am so angry and sad and scared. If she could do something like this, without a warning, without saying goodbye, what else is possible? Right now I mostly feel anger and I don’t know how to handle it. How does one cope?

Got the news a family member ended their life this past Friday morning. This past weekend has had me on autopilot. She was my wife’s aunt but felt like an aunt to me too. So sweet, so loving, so caring.

I feel I have to be strong for my wife and her family but I am grieving too. We were texting in a group chat the night before, it all feels so surreal. Like a nightmare. Like it’s not real.

We also found out she recorded her death and now my mind is racing.

As someone who has contemplated it myself a few times, I know the darkness that comes with being in that state of mind. My heart hurts for her.

I really need some guidance on this. I was proposed to today while on a vacation in Hawaii. It was very beautiful but caught me off guard and I wasn’t expecting it at all. This year has been the worst for me because my mom took her life on February 3rd. It’s been 8 months of grieving and living everyday with this devastating loss and processing all these emotions I haven’t dealt with before. At first I said yes to the proposal but right after it didn’t feel right and I started crying and missing my mom. It was like all the sadness I’ve been holding in came out and I wanted to run away. I love my boyfriend dearly but my grief has been so heavy it’s hard to think about a future and to be happy about anything. I want to get to a place where I can enjoy the moment and be present but I was shocked how I reacted today and it felt out of my control. I told him the timing wasn’t right but now I feel bad that I should have stuck with my yes. My emotions have been all over the place and it doesn’t help that I didn’t sleep well the night before and felt sick today :/. Can anyone relate? Some days I feel like I can’t make decisions and I feel lost…

I lost my brother to suicide 3 months ago, i’ve posted on this sub plenty of times and I just want to say i’m really appreciative of all of you. I read all your stories and I’m grateful for those you who share links to more resources. I send you guys so much love love, this sub has been my main source of comfort throughout this all.

I'm not sure myself. If it were an accident, I'd have mourned that I didn't stay with them or didn't tell them how much I loved them before. Maybe I wouldn't feel angry at them, though; I'm upset with myself for feeling somewhat angry, even if I know it's not necessarily fair to feel that way. Maybe I wouldn't have this gnawing guilt in me. Maybe the abruptness of an accident would hurt more, though.

I don't know if it being their choice should make me feel better or worse. Was it really their choice if they were sick? I just wish I knew they were depressed, even if I couldn't stop anything.

If someone you cared about passed away from suicide and you knew a lot about their inner workings that they never shared with the rest of the world, that may have had to do with their final ending, do you find yourself feeling guilty?

How did you work through this?

It’s almost been two years since my loved one made a decision that I think about and carry with me every single day. I think I sit with it more comfortably than I did, but some days are harder than others. Lately, there have been a lot of days that are harder than others

In the last two years, I’ve reconnected with friends who have lost siblings and parents to suicide, and have helped a close friend through the loss of her last remaining parent due to suicide. I’ve grown in my career and in my life. Recently, I went through a major career milestone that I dreaded for months because it was the first one he wasn’t there. The day came and went and that haunted me. I’d like to think he was there with me anyway

Something that’s been really bugging me as I read posts and reconnect with others and try to move on with my life is this weird sense of envy that leaves me with so much guilt. I wasn’t his widow. I was his girlfriend. I wasn’t even that, in the end. He tried to ruin my life after getting involved with people and things that convinced him I was going to leave him. That my career success was for me and not for us. I left him so he could get help. He didn’t. I made my choice. And he made his

Since he left, I’ve found love. And it haunts me. My boyfriend and I talked about getting engaged. But we were engaged. There’s this weird expectation I have for myself to move on, but also, to stay in place. In case he comes back. But he won’t. He made the choice not to. We were together for eight years, and that’s the end of our time together

It should have just been a bad breakup. But it wasn’t. And we weren’t broken up for very long when he made his choice. Whenever I tell anyone that he passed, they know it’s my fault. And it isn’t - it’s his. But my choice had a consequence. And it was his

But anyway. Longwindedness aside. I just feel so envious of my friends and the people who post here. Which is CRAZY. And it sounds insane. And it leaves me feeling so guilty. But you aren’t expected to move on from a parent. Or a sibling. But an ex? Yes. But I can’t. I just can’t. I miss him and I love him and I wish with all my heart and soul that it wasn’t like this. It’s all so complicated

Moving on feels like I’m betraying him. But, he did that first. I just don’t have the capacity to be angry at him. He’s gone, it doesn’t do anything. But not moving on feels like I’m still tethered to someone who did their damndest to hurt me in every way possible, right mind or not. I’m still close with his family. He doesn’t have a grave to visit, otherwise I would go

I’m rambling. I’m sorry. I’m just so hurt. I don’t think I’m articulating this well. And I’m wracked with guilt all the time because I should be focused on helping my friends and making the most out of life and I’m just so envious. All I can think about is how I wish it was someone impossible to move away from, because then it would feel justified. I could sit with it better. I could handle it all the time without worrying if I’m hurting the ones I care about by dwelling over someone who did that to me

Has anyone else felt anything similar? Or, if this is an outlandish and outrageous thing to feel, please be harsh with me

Thank you for your time

This pains me to write, hopefully someone can resonate. A close friend, having had suffered from bipolar disorder for over five years, passed away two days ago from suicide. The news didn't feel real at first but a few days later and I'm grieving/crying/feeling the loss.

My mind goes back to all the cryptic phone calls we had in the past about life, one being just a week prior, and I can't help but a feel a deep, profound sadness for not having had been able to be there for them when they needed me the most, not having been able to see the signs and been a little more of an available listener.

The last phone call we had felt unlike any we had had before, almost like he was saying goodbye without saying goodbye. I can't help but feel guilty, especially after confiding in our mutual friends about it, that we couldn't have helped save himself from doing this to himself. What hurts the most is knowing that he didn't leave a single note, message or sign about why he did it.

My friend was the most selfless, brightest soul- and carried some of the heaviest darkness in life, bipolar disorder included. RIP.

Anyone resonate? How did you move through something like this?

[ Removed by Reddit on account of violating the content policy. ]

He was the fun uncle I met when I was around 11. He brought down that barrier I thought separated child and adult. He inspired me to draw and use it as a form of creative expression. He and I had our ups and downs for sure, but I feel we could always talk at the end of the day. I never gave him the cold shoulder as I had done to many other family members. He was my big brother, I bugged him and he bugged me. I can hear his voice in the recesses of mind. They beckon bittersweet memories of times gone by and lull me to a sense of comforting dread. I want to have a dream where he's in it, and I want to tell him what he meant to me. I never got the chance to do so. Life just went by so fast when I grew up. I always thought he'd be around, that he'd be that pillar of my life that would stay put. I never forcefully checked in on him because he never gave me those signs. He always wore a contagious smile and always had a joke or story to assure you that no matter how much the world sucked there was always something to make you remember that life was worth living or laugh at the very least. Now, that facade has ceased. The music has stopped, and the silence brings with it the reality of the pain that washes ashore from the tidal wave of heartbreak, unanswered questions, and remorse. I dont know what the future holds, but I do know that my Tio won't be in it. I know that, and it hurts me to the core of my being. The love is there but so is the pain and the guilt and the realization that this it.

my mom killed herself last september, during my senior year of high school. doctors were not careful about what they prescribed her. she got put on a new med and told me she had been having thoughts of suicide in the middle of a fight. i stopped arguing, cried, and told her that i care but cannot have her confide in me all the time. (she was bipolar and since i was a child i was someone she confided in. it had a very negative affect on me.)

i made her feel bothersome, like a burden, and was all she had. when she got discharged from the hospital she admitted herself to, i went on to leave her alone. i was never notified she had been released. she called me, then she killed herself that night.

she asked me to come over, i told her i had a long day and would see her tomorrow. told her to get some sleep and we can spend some time together. i found her dead a couple days later when i finally came in a panic because she hadn’t answered and i had a terrible gut feeling.

she was asking me to save her. she did not want to die. she would get suicidal, but always get help. i was not supportive, loving, helpful, or caring enough to save her. i never thought she would make that choice, she loved to be my mom. why would she kill herself before i graduate?

well, the point is, i’ve had therapy and still feel like i don’t deserve to live. i wasn’t a good enough daughter to save my mom. i betrayed her. if i came that night, she would be here right now. i wouldn’t of had to graduate, move to college, and figure out adult life without my mom. she deserved to live, i no longer do because i was a stupid, ignorant, and inconsiderate teenager who constantly made her life even harder.

the guilt is neverending. i can’t believe i am anything good or deserving of good things. i feel like i killed my own mom most days. i just hope she knows i loved her so much. she was my favorite person, i was just so young and absolutely selfish.

Meine (w21) Schwester ist letztes Jahr im November an Suizid gestorben. Sie hat sich erhangen, draußen auf einer Wiese. Nur etwa 10 Minuten Autofahrt von meinem Wohnort entfernt. Sie hat schon lange gelitten, das weiß ich und auch wenn mir immer irgendwie klar war dass es irgendwann dazu kommen könnte, habe ich es doch nie wirklich für möglich gehalten. Wollte es vermutlich auch einfach nicht, man hofft ja immer dass am Ende doch noch alles gut wird.

Die Nacht in der sie verstorben ist war furchtbar, meine Mutter hatte gegen 20:30 Uhr einen Anruf von der Polizei erhalten, wo ihr gesagt wurde, meine Schwester würde als vermisst gemeldet. Sie habe laut Angaben ihres besten Freundes vor sich das Leben zu nehmen indem sie sich erhängt. Meine Mutter hat mich sofort informiert, es wurde die ganze Nacht nach meiner Schwester gesucht, mit Wärmebild Drohne, Suchhunden, etc. Weil man Anhaltspunkte dazu hatte, dass sie im Wald wäre, wurde vor allem die gesucht. Am Ende haben sie aber am falschen Ort gesucht, denn sie ist auf einer Wiese keine 100m von Wohnhäusern gestorben, am Waldrand. Wir waren zuhause und haben auf Neuigkeiten gewartet, es wurde uns abgeraten selbst nach ihr zu suchen um die Suchhunde nicht zu verwirren. Gegen 5:55 Uhr wurde sie tot aufgefunden, die Polizei hat meine Mutter daraufhin persönlich über den Tod meiner Schwester informiert und diese mich direkt danach telefonisch.

Gestern wäre ihr 18. Geburtstag gewesen, sie ist 24 Tage nach ihrem 17. Geburtstag verstorben.
Ich vermisse sie so sehr, das können Worte nicht bescheiben. Nicht nur gestern sondern an jeden Tag, auch wenn ich weiß ihr geht es jetzt besser als es ihr auf dieser Welt jemals lebend hätte gehen können.

Ich hoffe das war nicht zu wirr geschrieben, es tat einfach gut das einmal aufzuschreiben.

I don’t think this applies to family members. Ever since my ex-boyfriend died, I’ve struggled with this recurring thought. I’ve finally come to accept it: I wish I had never met him and that we had never been a couple. It truly doesn’t make up for the suffering I’ve endured since he died. That’s not to say I don’t love him—because I do—it’s just that I wish with all my might that I didn’t have to live like this, and never having met him would be the only way for that to be the case.

It's been two years since my father killed himself. I have managed through the last two years... I am going through a seemingly normal life but in my mind keeps screaming that everything is my fault and I don't deserve any of what I have now, and I can't erase this voice... tonight is particularly hard to go through and feels like it's too much to take in...

Esta Soledad pega tan fuerte que ni puedo más quisiera morir ala verdad no quiero sentir nada ya pero que hago digamen tango mi hijo de 8 años no lo puedo dejar yo si pienso en el porque el no pensó en su hijo porque me dejó toda la carga a mi y dejarme con este dolor la culpa y consolar a mi hijo porque fue así porq no pensó en mi ya no quiero estar en esta situación porque a mi donde estoy no quiero vivir no quiero sentir quiero mi vida de nuevo

Back in September of 2023 my cousin who has been my bestfriend since we were 6, we were 16 when he did it. I know why he did it, he had an abusive mom who didn’t care for him and he had issues with weed that caused him to have CHS for months. I still can’t help but feel a sense of betrayal, we grew up together often times in the same house for months at a time. While it was less severe at my house my stepmom was still emotionally abusive towards us and we had been through so much together. I just get so frustrated that after everything he wouldn’t let me try to help, he just quit without a heads up just an “I’m sorry for letting you down”. I loved him like my blood brother and if I hadn’t seen how much it affected his dad I probably would’ve followed him but I couldn’t put my parents through that pain. It still doesn’t feel real to me

It’s been 2 years since my friend died from committing suicide, and I’m scared I’ll think about him forever. I feel guilty sometimes because we weren’t extremely close and he did have other close friends, but I knew him only for a short amount of time. I wanted to know him even more because I thought he was cool and funny.

I was in 7th grade when it happened and I genuinely was so shocked and disturbed because u truly never know what’s going on in someone’s head. Just a week before he committed he was talking to me about his crush and some other stuff, no one would notice anything wrong at all. (now that i think about it he was kind of over sharing, was that a sign?)

His last instagram post was with the song “i was all over her” by salvia palth, i remember it was posted not very long before he died. The sadness hits me randomly whenever i remember him again, i feel guilt because I want him to be in peace but I don’t even know anymore. Idk how to cope with it