I think I am going to take a break from social media and coding and everything and try to focus on my mental health because something isn’t right, I’m feeling too strong of feelings about this
TLDR: I am extremely depressed and facing a crisis over AI and I don’t know if I need therapy or I’m right or if I’m wrong or if I’m just genuinely losing my mind
Let me preface: if you like AI, you probably won’t like this post. Sorry, not trying to step on anyone’s toes, but it’s probably best to turn away now.
A little background about me. I’ve always loved math and science and used to want to be a physicist (and still would like to go to grad school for it). But I also found a passion for computer science which has pretty much ruled my life since middle school. Picked up JS in 7th grade, Python 8th, then went on deep dive into C++ in freshman year of Highschool. From there I was hooked. Been programming for 10 years now, primarily in C and C++, and graduated college last semester. But AI has driven a hard confusion in my life that has led me to even existential levels of dread.
At first I never noticed it. I used to program all the time, mostly things dealing with graphics and embedded systems. I also got into electronics and firmware stuff as well. I would get home from college and program from the time I got home until midnight and then play games for an hour or two. It’s always been something I’ve enjoyed. It makes sense, especially considering that I am diagnosed on the autism spectrum and fit a lot of the stereotypes lol. But I love it. It gives me more dopamine than most things I do.
But my junior year I began to get very bogged down. My friends that did not enjoy CS and hated it were vibecoding entire projects in the course of a day whereas I would work to handcraft every little part of a project and logic through it on my own. My professors began pushing AI like crazy. Every single post id see on LinkedIn and Reddit and YouTube would be vibecoded projects. And in all honesty it made me more and more overcome with anger and depression. This actually led to a year and a half of severe alcoholism, where I got so bogged down I couldn’t think straight without racing thoughts and turned to alcohol. I was drinking 2 Liters a day of 40-45% liquor a night. Then I also turned to opiates on top of that, mostly oxycodone and hydrocodone. I was a complete mess. I also had some happenings with bipolar disorder which I got sorted out and eventually led to me getting my life baxk after getting put on mood stabilizers. I quit alcohol and opiates (almost died, don’t cold turkey lol) and barely graduated because my senior year grades were so bad.
But getting my life back on track, I realized that I still knew a LOT about computer science, specifically and mostly embedded systems and computer graphics, because I actually like went through and programmed everything I ever did line by line and read lots of books. My bookshelf is lined with textbooks that I buy on sale and read for fun. And my friends and professors all knew I knew my shit when I would go on an autistic rant about some topic. So I found a new lease on life as far as programming goes that made me feel like it is worth it to actually program rather than let AI generate code
But even at that, I am being extremely bogged down again. I’ve been working on a Gameboy Emulator that I was making amazing progress on for 2 months, but now this month, I have been faced with incredible amounts of depression from seeing so much AI generated content and feeling like I’m just some Luddite loser thats too stubborn to change. And it’s slowing down my production of code because I’m so goddamn bogged down by the weight of all of this and in all honesty I’m just confused. It doesn’t help that I’m trying to build a portfolio before my girlfriend gets out of school in a few months so I can get a job.
The thing is you can’t tell me to change. I fundamentally oppose the treatment of code as anything but an art. Just like my girlfriend draws art for 5 hours a day because it’s fun and it gives you meaning in life, thats how I feel about programming. You could make the same argument for art, but when it comes to programming, why is it all of a sudden a green area for AI use? Why do people oppose AI in art but not in programming? I just don’t get why people don’t see things the same way I do and I hate it I want to tear my fucking skin off I HATE everything so much.
I just wish that there was somebody else out there that sees it the same as me. I don’t know if there’s just something fundamentally wrong with the way I view the world or what. Do I need therapy? Am I right in my thinking? How do I deal with this? I’m just so goddamn confused I can’t even fucking think straight anymore and I’m backsliding really bad into bad habits.
It is also important to note that morally and philosophically I am FUNDAMENTALLY opposed to AI and AI corporations. I’ve never been big on the big tech industry which is why I’ve always stuck to low level systems. But personally I would love and relish in the complete fall of these greedy corporate psychopaths that think they can plop data centers down and replace humans with their shitty tech. FUCK AI
Edit: it’s also important to note it’s not affecting only programming, but also writing and music production which are my two other passions. My coworker today literally told me he wrote a book wirh AI in 2 weeks and meanwhile I’ve been writing a story for 3 years now and not even close to being done. I just wanna give up