I genuinely don’t know which one is worse.

Sometimes hating myself is easier than facing the truth that what I’m going through isn’t my fault and I have no control over it.

But I’m doing my best.

I am a 29M, and I need to stop drinking for good.
It’s truly one of the worst things that has happened in my life. I don’t drink often, but my problem is that when I do, I go on absolute benders. This leads to anxiety that has left me in the hospital on multiple occasions with panic attacks and the feeling that I’m dying.

People think I’m cracked out on drugs, but I’m not. The anxiety and panic after a bender just destroy me.

What’s making me quit is what happened last weekend. I went to Paris to watch an NFL football game and met up with friends who are my party friends. We drank 10 to 12 beers every day from Friday to Monday, and I don’t remember anything from two of the nights we were there.

I was in an Uber on my way to the airport Monday morning when the panic attack started. I had to go back to the Airbnb and book a flight for that evening back to Milan, where I live. I went back and slept for a few more hours until I had to check out. When I left, I had seven hours to spare and nowhere to go.
That’s when the panic attacks started coming back as I wandered around the streets of Paris. At one point, I had to ask someone to call an ambulance because I thought my heart was going to stop and my whole body was tingling. I eventually calmed down enough to keep going without calling one. I focused on my breathing, made it to a supermarket, and bought two coconut waters and some aspirin. After that, I felt good enough to head to the airport.
I thought I was in the clear as I made my way to the airport on the subway. It wasn’t until we were boarding the flight that the panic and anxiety started coming back. The thought of having a panic attack on an airplane, like I’ve experienced in the past and earlier that day, made my heart race and the panic intensify. I managed to get on the plane and make it through the flight by focusing on slowing my breathing.

It’s been 24 hours since I got back home to Milan, and I still feel terrible. It’s been 48 hours since my last drink, and the fact that I still feel this bad has really put things into perspective. I can’t keep doing this to myself.

My wife is the best thing that has ever happened to me, and without her, I would probably be dead. I want to be the best husband I can be, and I know I can’t keep putting myself through this. I don’t even enjoy drinking anymore. I only do it when I’m with friends, which is rare because the only friend I have in Italy is my wife.

I think part of the problem is that I’ve convinced myself that because I don’t drink every day, I don’t have a serious problem. But it doesn’t matter how often I drink when the consequences are this bad. I can go weeks without drinking, but one weekend like this can leave me physically and mentally wrecked for days. The blackouts, the anxiety, the panic attacks, and the fear of what I might have done or said while I wasn’t in control are no longer worth it.
I’m writing this to hold myself accountable and remind myself of the hell a weekend like this puts my body and mind through. I don’t want to keep sacrificing my health, happiness, and peace of mind for a few nights of drinking. Being healthy, emotionally stable, and in control of my anxiety are so much more important than putting myself through this again.

I want to be a better husband, brother, son, friend, and person. I want to be someone my future kids can look up to. I want to enjoy life, travel, build a family, and wake up feeling good about myself without constantly worrying about when the next wave of anxiety is going to hit.

I know this decision might change some of my friendships. Some people might not understand it, and I might miss out on certain nights or weekends. But if a friendship depends on me drinking, then it’s something I need to reconsider. I can still have a social life without alcohol, and I need to learn how to do that.

This is probably the most important change I need to make before I turn 30 and start a family of my own. I’m tired of making the same mistake and dealing with the same consequences. I don’t want this to be another promise I make to myself that I eventually break.

I’m done. I’m choosing my health, my wife, my future family, and myself.

Goodbye, drinking. You won’t be missed.

I feel super optimistic about my sobriety attempt this time around. Seven days. I feel rested, happy, am re/listening to some audiobooks. The spouse keeps on having his daily wine but I don’t care at all. However, I am absolutely dreading the holidays. We are booked to have a Thanksgiving with friends who are wine enthusiasts. Christmas with my family who all drink and vape. And even my kids’ Halloween trick or treat now has an “after party.” I don’t want to bail on all this and avoid everyone. But I appreciate tips and advice, esp because I know some of these people will zero in on me not drinking (prob because they themselves have a problem.)

Is this normal? Im at 100 days and along with fatigue and low motivation I look noticeably worse than I did at day 1. Face thinner eyes red etc. Im also down to 102kg from 114kg.

In fact, I basically look...hungover? And day 1 my eyes had bags but I looked cheery and much fresher

It’s been 42 days for me and I can honestly say the last week to now has been the hardest part for me so far. The 2 weeks was probably the easiest with no strong emotions one way or the other. The 3rd week I was frustrated and angry at people for no reason and that was strange for me because I generally do not get angry. Like at all. 4th week I felt nothing. But the tidal waves of anxiety out of nowhere to the point of panic is wild. I don’t know how to deal with them. This in the past would be the kind of thing that would make me want to drink… as medicine. But I know that never helped and just made me feel worse so I’m not interested in drinking. I just can’t wait for this period to pass . Right now it feels like it’s getting worse.

Finally realized that the path to recovery wasn't going to magically MAKE me get sober and I wanted recovery more than I wanted to numb and avoid it. I realized I had to be sober for the mindfullness and awareness to work it's magic and put me on the path to recovery (if that makes sense).

I tried to drink and use and then meditate and be mindful of what I wanted in life (to be free of addiction, desires and craving). Spoiler: it doesnt work that way.

Turns out you can't change your mind state with a drug and then be mindful and in present awareness.

You can't be drunk or even tipsy and give loving kindness to yourself or others.

I spent 8 months going to group meditations, meditating at home, reading and learning... all while counting days, white knuckling, then buckling under the pressure and relapsing. One or two drinks at a time.

When I surrendered to the path of recovery and went all in on mindfullness and being in the present moment, through all the cravings and urges and impulsive thoughts and big feelings... that's when things got better.

Everyday is better than it ever was. The last week + of not drinking has been pure joy and release. The tools work when you do the work... not the other way around.

My cravings are more seldom and much weaker when I am aware of the impermanent nature of ANY feeling, ANY thought, ANY emotion "good or bad". In fact I find myself not even judging or critiquing ANYTHING or anyone (even myself tgrough all the guilt and the shame) when I can be here, now.

I finally shared my story last night with my Sangha and I feel FREE. There were new faces there and the bond we all share is amazing now that I'm not lurking in the shadows and I can finally get out of my shell and be less fearful. I can finally be of useful service to others.

Dharma Dude for life

My relationship with alcohol: it’s brought me to the hospital twice. In patient and out patient detox. In 2020 I started drinking hard, and non stop. I was drunk probably every minute of the day for 4 years straight. Somehow I made it through college. And got a dream job. Fast forward to now. My wife does not tolerate drinking. Especially as she has seen my drinking habits the past 2 years. Finding hidden drinks, and the irritated and angry person I become when I’ve had too many. I’ve promised to abstain completely from alcohol. Very rarely on social occasions she is ok with it.

But she doesn’t know the truth. I drink when she works late nights. I hide the empties. I want to be done with drinking. But the opportunity presents itself to me to get away with it, and the alcoholic brain takes control. My drinking has reduced very significantly since we’ve been together. I have no withdrawals or health concerns with quitting. But the damage to my body worries me. It robs me of my ability to enjoy everyday things. I drink maybe 3 nights a week. Binge drinking heavy. Feel like crap the days I don’t but still manage day to day.

I want to say goodbye to it forever, and maybe this post is more of a vent to lay out my thoughts.

But, how did you say goodbye to alcohol for good? Did you write a letter? Did you bury your last bottle? What was your final mental break?

Also much appreciated, how did you fight it when the opportunity presented itself to drink? When you know you can get away with it but you fought it. My biggest mental hurdle is boredom. I’m home alone. Nothing sounds enjoyable. There’s nothing I want to do, but I need to keep my mind occupied. I have a million things I could do. I make good money, have a house, a project car in the garage, a nice computer to game, pets, and little projects I could do. Yet my brain says nah, those are boring, just drink your night away.

I want to be done with it forever and get my mental and physical health where it should be.

I relapsed with alcohol, blacked out, and hurt people I care about. I don't know how to deal with this anymore. I'm writing this because I need to get things off my chest, and honestly, I think I need help. I recently relapsed with alcohol, and things got ugly. I drank to the point of blacking out, called people, said things I shouldn't have said, and hurt people with my words. I don't even remember everything that happened, and knowing that I may have caused pain to people I care about makes me feel ashamed of myself. I'm not writing this to excuse my behaviour. Being drunk doesn't erase the damage I've done, and I know that I have to take responsibility for my actions. But I also want to understand why I keep finding myself in this position. Almost a year ago, I lost my best friend of 16 years to suicide. His death affected me more deeply than I know how to explain. We grew up together, shared so many memories, and he was a part of my life for so long that it's difficult to imagine the world without him. I still carry that loss with me, and I don't think I've properly dealt with my grief. Sometimes I feel emotionally numb. Other times, everything feels too heavy, and I don't know what to do with what I'm feeling. Alcohol has become a way to silence my thoughts and temporarily escape from everything going on inside my head. But eventually, the alcohol wears off, and I'm left with the same pain, along with more problems that I've created for myself. I'm tired of this cycle. I'm tired of using alcohol to cope, losing control, hurting people, and then having to face the guilt and shame afterward. I don't want to become someone who hurts the people he loves simply because he doesn't know how to handle his own pain. I know that an explanation isn't an excuse. The people I've hurt didn't deserve it, and I don't expect anyone to forgive me just because I'm struggling.

I just don't know where to start anymore.

For those of you who have struggled with alcohol, relapses, grief, or using drinking to numb emotional pain, how did you begin to break this cycle? How did you learn to sit with your feelings without trying to drown them out? And how did you start rebuilding trust with people after hurting them? I'm not looking for sympathy or someone to tell me that what I did was okay. I want to get better, and I think admitting that I have a problem might be the first step.

If you've been in a similar place and managed to find a way forward, I'd genuinely appreciate hearing your story.

I'm proud to be 3 years alcohol-free today. I've saved somewhere around $15k, so I bought myself a new guitar to celebrate the time I've spent and the money I haven't! I'm happy to be a part of this community which has carried me forward even during the times all I wanted was a drink. Here's to one more sober day. IWNDWYT!

I’m so so so embarrassed. I’ve been taking it for a while and replacing it. This last weekend while my partner and I were away, he found an empty bottle and marked all of his other bottles.

I feel awful, and my partner is going to be furious when he finds out. I think I am going to fess up tonight.

We really need this roommate to keep our housing bills down. I was reckless and may have ruined everything. I am so ashamed.

Today feels especially tough. it's been more than a week and I'm frustrated with the feeling of "progress".

When I sing, when I run, when I lift...I can feel a steady progress. I can feel my throat move elegantly, I can feel my feet strike more fluidly. I can feel my grip tighten on the barbell.

Today, I want to feel that progress with abstinence. I want to feel liberated from my cravings. Instead, my mind is using that urge for "progress" to constantly justify a "reward" with alcohol.

My commitment is resolute, my philosophy is grounded. I know fundamentally that even a sip will give me nothing. So why, why do the cravings persist? What is my progress if the cravings seem to get worse as the streak gets longer?

Maybe I'm being ignorant. Maybe abstinence is more like a bank account. You don't really "feel" progress when you stop yourself from impulse purchases, or choose to eat in instead of doordash. You feel suffering until your payday hits and you see you have more money than you did a couple of weeks ago. Maybe abstinence is about "saving" the days happiness for when you really need it.

I really really want to. My mind wants to plan it. But no, no, no. I will not drink with you today.

Hi all
Long story short, I spent 3 months at a rehabilitation center last thanksgiving time and since then, I had 10 months alcohol free before I relapsed for 2 weeks. Thanks god it was only two weeks but it’s like the 10 months did nothing for my tolerance and I was drinking so heavily in that 2 weeks that I knew I had to send my ass back to detox to avoid seizures. I was SO on top of my shit - meetings, sponsor, meditation, but slowlyyyy and without much awareness I was becoming complacent. I felt it, and knew a relapse was coming. It was a friends wedding and these were friends I’d only ever known as drinking and going out with - I had a bad feeling in my gut and by the time we showed up, I had already made up my mind that I was going to drink. Initially I really did think “oh just for tonight” but was able to confirm that I’m a true alcoholic from this experience. If only I would’ve used the tools I have to reach out and ask for help prior to that lapse but now I’m just looking at it as a learning opportunity and those 10 months aren’t just thrown out the window. I feel so much stronger and more prepared to battle this demon daily.
To anyone struggling, please get medical help/support. I’ve experienced 1 seizure due to alcohol withdrawal before going to rehab so I knew what the signs and feelings were like before it happened. During those 2 weeks, I showed up to work trying to withdrawal without helper meds and felt all the same feelings right before a seizure happened - but like how is that even possible given that I had only been drinking for 2 weeks?!?! I’m still really proud of myself for speaking up and asking for help as I just knew I couldn’t do it on my own nor should we! The opposite of addiction is connection and since getting out of detox, I’ve made so many new connections by attending different meetings and trying my best to reach out because you never know what impact you may be able to give to someone else struggling.

It sucks that we’re like this but trying to look at the positives and the benefits that all this stress and toxicity can teach us to live a fulfilling life. Power to you and I will not drink with you today!

Got through the night.

Woke up super early, though.

My brain feels more clear today and I am feel like I am on a healing journey. Healing my brain 🧠 has started.

I went through a lot of negative/traumatic experiences this year and I just want to let my neurotransmitters stabilize. I know that will take some time.

I am continuing a pretty normal routine but added in yoga. Was weight lifting a lot the last few months but it's nice to add in the meditation 🧘‍♀️. I will get back to the gym as well this weekend after taking a week off.

I am also giving my organs some healing time. Alcohol increases blood pressure and strains them.

Next, I will be incorporating a better balanced diet and adding in more spirutiality/ positive mindset practices. I would also like spend more time in nature.

One day at a time.

Day 93. Sometime over the last ~30 to 45 days I experienced a subtle shift from a baseline of feeling flat to feeling pretty good most days. I don’t mean the kind of good that involves marching bands and fireworks, but the kind of good that is simply and sincerely just not bad. I don’t know exactly when the shift occurred. There were glimpses along the way before good became the baseline.

Something that I read here along the way resonated with me: “Sometimes ‘better’ just means not as bad.” I think about this whenever I need to manage my expectations. I went from feeling like a slug when alcohol was in my diet, to feeling flat, to now feeling sincerely good on most days. In hindsight, the transition from slug to flat was an improvement though I did not recognize it as such at the time. Another thing that I heard recently on a meditation podcast is that it is normal for 80% of life to be steady state and the other 20% consist of highs and lows. So, If ok/good is my personal baseline forever, I’m OK with that. I’ll take this along with the highs and lows. If my baseline goes up in the future, that’s a bonus.

Things that are working really well for me right now: hydration, regular physical activity, this community, and no social media.

Goals over the next 90 days: less sugar, more exercise, try more new hobbies to see if anything sticks.

If you are in the midst of the flat, have hope!

IWNDWYT.

I’ve been lurking here for a while, but thought it was time to share my story and hopefully get some advice and accountability.

I’m mid 30s, married with a young child and a decent career. I’ve been a heavy social drinker since university, but over the past few years it’s become something that’s causing more and more problems in my life.

I’m not a daily drinker. I can quite happily go weeks without drinking. My problem is that once I start I struggle to stop.

What starts as a few beers often turns into an all-night session, sometimes involving cocaine, followed by two or three days of horrific anxiety, depression, guilt and exhaustion.

Earlier this year, I stopped drinking for four months. I felt fantastic. My mood was more consistent, I was training regularly, sleeping better and generally much happier. After the first month, I barely even thought about alcohol.

Eventually, I convinced myself I could drink in moderation again.

Initially it was fine, but gradually it crept back in. A couple of beers at home, three or four over dinner, then big sessions every week or two.

A recent incident should have been my wake-up call.

I was away on a work trip by myself and ended up drinking all night. I met some random bloke in a bar and somehow ended up back at his house, taking cocaine until the early hours.

Meanwhile, my wife was back home with our child, worried sick. She could see my location and understandably thought I might be cheating on her.

I wasn’t, but honestly, what I was actually doing wasn’t much better. I was at a complete stranger’s house, thousands of miles from my family, getting off my face.
I’m genuinely embarrassed even typing that.

I came home, felt terrible, apologised and said things needed to change.

Then a few weeks later, I went on a stag weekend and did it all over again.

I’ve spent the last few days feeling like an absolute emotional wreck. I’ve barely been able to concentrate at work, have zero motivation and have repeatedly felt like bursting into tears.

My wife has told me multiple times that it’s either her or the drinking.

She’s been supportive when I’ve stopped before, but she’s understandably fed up with hearing the same promises. I don’t blame her.

I’ve also found myself occasionally making excuses to go out just so I can have a beer, and then hiding it from her. That’s not the husband I want to be.

I love my wife and child more than anything, and the thought of losing them because I can’t get my drinking under control terrifies me.

I’ve also recently thought about what would happen if my child needed me urgently and I was too drunk or hungover to help. I never want to put myself or my family in that position.

I’m not suggesting my drinking is as severe as some people’s, but it’s causing more damage to my life than I’m willing to accept anymore.

I’ve realised moderation simply doesn’t work for me.
I want to stop completely, not just for another few months. I’m planning to restart therapy, get proper support, distance myself from certain social circles and throw myself into fitness and boxing.

But I’m scared of repeating the same cycle. Feeling terrible, promising to change, getting better, then convincing myself one or two drinks won’t hurt.

For anyone who’s been in a similar position:
- How did you make sobriety stick after the initial motivation wore off?
- How did you rebuild trust with your partner?
- How did you handle friends who constantly encouraged drinking?
- Did your mental health and emotional stability improve significantly after quitting?

I’d particularly love to hear from people who weren’t daily drinkers but couldn’t control themselves once they started.
I’m fed up with feeling ashamed and disappointing the people I love most.

I want to be a better husband, a better dad and a happier person.

I’m ready. 63 but struggle to get past 2 days sober. HELP??

Just.. anything please. Anything to help.. hope, advice, wisdom.

My husband of 11.5 is in an active affair with someone he met about 4 months into my sobriety and I’m likely looking at divorce after spending over a decade completely and wholeheartedly head over heels. It feels like my entire adult past is worthless and wasted, my walls and my entire life is crumbling around me, and my future I’ve envisioned and built towards for so long is slipping away quicker than I can try to wrap my head around it.

I and my first “fuck I just wanna drink” moment over the weekend. Called my sponsor and got myself to a safe place and I’m not teetering or talking myself off a ledge to drink, I’m just heartbroken and devastated and trying to navigate emotions as a newly sober man that I’ve never felt

This is my first post. This summer I realized I might be an alcoholic. Although I am not getting up in the morning having booze, I am drinking 3-5 drinks per might at least 6 evenings per week. I work from home and my husband works a lot, we do not have kids. I find that once 4 pm comes, I am incredibly bored and often will walk down the street to bars. My dad is an alcoholic so the gene runs in my family. Fun stuff. I've tried quitting and the longest Ive been able to go is 3 days which tells me I am way more reliant on it thatn I thought. Alcohol has grown to be the one thing that is there for me at the end of the day. My family is nuts and I am estranged from my mom and sister. I just have my husband and 2 close friends. Sometimes I wake up and say okay, today I will go to the gym or run, or do pilates, but by the time the late afternoon hits, I find myself at a bar. I really want to quit drinking or at least cut way way way back. I refuse to go to AA, I have been to meetings for my dad, and don't think AA will work, nor do I want anyone in the community to see me at those meetings just in case. Does anyone have a tip on what I can do to quit??

Not really sure why I’m posting this, maybe to not feel alone, maybe for some insight past what I can give myself. For context I am a 22yo male who has had problematic drinking since I was 16. At the same time I lead a pretty good life, I have great friends, hobbies, and I even own my own business. On paper everything looks great, I’m in therapy and I feel pretty good about my life a lot of the time. My drinking feels different than most people but at the same time has gone through many different phases. There was a time a few years ago where I was drinking all day every day and had to be hospitalized from hard stop withdrawal. At this point in my life it’s much different. To my close friends and family I am sober, I would almost consider myself sober at least comparing to what I once was.

My drinking now happens at times I would least expect, yesterday was a great example. First day off of the week and spent good time with family. I had plans to get home, make a steak, and go to the gym. I had even been thinking about how great I’ve been doing with everything and sobriety on the drive home. My relationship with my partner has been pretty up and down lately. When I got home we had a call and started to have some issues on the phone. I laid down in bed after and it’s almost like a switch flipped in my brain. This sounds like such a cop out but once the switch is flipped it doesn’t feel like I am in control anymore. I know full well what the consequences are of my decisions but I do it on purpose.

It almost feels like a version of self harm or something the way I drink. I went to the gas station and bought a 6 pack and 3 99s and finished them all within an hour. I then went back and bought 3 more 99s, a tall beer, and a pack of cigarettes (I don’t smoke). I woke up at 4am naked with no recollection past going to the gas station and smoking a cigarette on the way back.

I feel awful today, like the sober life I am living is a lie. Which it is, but comparatively it is way better than what I once was. I was drinking every single day to cope with what I considered a shitty life. Now I have built something I am proud of. I feel like I’m past the point of asking friends and family for help, there is not much help to give at this point. I just have to stop letting the switch flip and trying to kill myself with poison.

This type of thing only happens once a month or every couple weeks. I even know why it happens. It happens because I start to have thoughts that I don’t want to be thinking. In this case it was the reoccurring thought that I need to end my relationship. Way easier on paper, I start to think about every aspect of how awful it is gonna be for me, her, and our friends. I also suffer from never feeling like I am making the right decision. Some days I feel so confident in our relationship and others I feel the exact opposite. We have broken up 3 or 4 times in the past 2 years.

I can feel so confident in my sobriety and something like this happens. It’s not even an issue of not being aware of triggers or some type of sobriety skill I am lacking. I know what led me there and the consequences of my actions. I still end up drinking. I would love a quick fix answer or something but I know that doesn’t exist. Like I said I don’t know why I am posting this. It definitely did feel good to write all this out.

Thanks for reading random internet person 🫶

Hey friends, I’m super early into sobriety and have had a few failed attempts now. Counting days has helped me a lot but how do you count days early on? Is it day 0 until you hit 24 hours without a drink? Or is the day you start day 1? I know it’s all potato potato but it helps me so curious how yall did it!

IWNDWYT!

Wow, I would have never imagined I would have made it this far. Before, going two days was huge for me, but 60 wow, by the grace of God. I was drinking liquor everyday

Also excited because I hear by day 60, this is the first major milestone and the results get dramatically better from here on out!!

IWDWYTD!

Is this normal and I should just let my body do what it needs to do for now? Surprisingly I don’t really have alcohol cravings since day 2. Was having 8-10 drinks almost daily for 10 years

Me and my boyfriend have both been sober for about 4 months. I know it’s not long but we both made this commitment. He had to quit for health reasons (he was on the road to pancreatitis) I had to quit for mental health reasons. I’m pretty upset. My boyfriend came home last night and I smelled alcohol on his breath. I called him out and he told me he only had a sip of a drink… I know he lied. There’s no way alcohol can stay on your breath from one sip. So I kind of snapped and went for an hour walk because I needed some space. I guess I just don’t know how to approach this conversation. Is he lying to me about more stuff? Can I trust him? I’m overthinking everything. I want to have a future with him, but I want him to take care of his health. And drinking is not an option. I know he is his own person but I’m aggravated and need to vent.

It's day 23 and I thought I was doing great. I feel much more positive lately and the cravings just come and go, but today was so different. I could handle my emotions before, but today, seeing my friends trying to achieve something in their lives felt like a heavy punch. While they're chasing their dreams, I'm here fighting my demons, and now loneliness creeps in. Seeing happy couples building towards their future is like a slap in the face, and not having a job right now makes it all feel heavier.. My family isn't pushing me, but I have this fear of not being able to do anything. The pressure I put on myself is driving me nuts. I can't cry even though I want to, nothing's coming out, and all I've been thinking about is drowning my thoughts again.

Was doing ok but my hormones were making me sad so I drank and then it got out of hand again after three days. The anxiety is horrible rn but I know it’ll be ok after getting through day one