I have reached the end of my tolerance. The impact on (daughter) is real and I am not willing to risk her experiencing childhood trauma because of your drinking. I accept I cannot control you, but I can control the environment (daughter) is present in.

I’m done. I’m done picking up all the pieces when you crash out, I’m done stressing about your wellbeing, I’m done being lied to and manipulated, I’m done being abused (physically and verbally).

Most of all I’m done having (daughter) around this behaviour. She deserves better. She will have better.

You can keep alcohol. Or you can keep your family. You can’t have both.

I hope you come home to us.

I went on a vacation with my husband and our friends recently and for most of the nights I had to babysit him. He would be fine during the day, but once the sun set, it was game on. He was taking shots. He was pounding drinks. And for the first few nights, I hovered around, sipping my own drinks because I knew I would have to babysit. Putting him to bed and generally being annoyed.

For the last night though, I went to bed early. Said to him "try your best to not come back black out drunk" and to no ones surprise, he was literally the *drunkest* i have ever seen him. His friends had to basically carry him to the room.

What's so confusing is that he only gets blackout drunk when we're at parties with our friends. He doesn't drink during the week. He doesn't drink and drive. He can handle himself around my family and his family. It is literally ONLY when we're hanging out in a group setting with our friends and drinking is acceptable.

What kills me is he can NEVER pace himself at parties. He just gets *so excited* to be with his friends that he turns into a fish and cannot for the fucking life of him slow down. (He also gets irritated with me if i try to slow him down by switching his drinks for water or saying to pace himself. )

Anyway, this vacation was the last straw for me. This is years in the making of me hovering around at parties making sure he's not getting too drunk, making sure he's pacing himself, or eating, or drinking water. It's fucking infuriating.

JUST ONCE I want to go to a party/vacation and not have to babysit him. I've gotten so resentful of him drinking that I can't even stand being around him when he's tipsy or just buzzed.

Like I said it's confusing because he's not your cut and dry alcoholic. Clearly he can't stop once he starts, but that's only in social settings. Every other aspect of his life and our marriage is fine.

After he woke up that last day of vacation I told him I was done babysitting. Moving forward I need him to figure out how to pace himself. I'm here for support, but I'm done. And I made it very clear that separating was on the table if he goes overboard again. We have a party this weekend and I'm already over it.

Does anyone else have this issue? Any guidance is much appreciated.

Last week was her brother's birthday. He was an addict who died in a car wreck 2 years ago. One of her coworkers lost a brother and they were talking about it at work and decided to do shots. My Q (gf 47) currently has a breathalyzer installed in her car because of a dui. I dont understand how 1. She thought it was ok to drink 2. Decided to try to start her car anyway. So obviously she gets locked out and I have to go get her. She said it was one shot but she seemed more intoxicated than that.

She spiraled emotionally this weekend and today she got loaded while I was at work. The nasty text messages started and I refuse to respond. Unfortunately ive been through this enough times before to know that you cant respond. This has been a pattern where she gets really angry and picks a fight over something and then she gets angry and drunk. She tells me she will call cps and tell them im a bad parent, she tells me shes leaving, she tells me to leave, she will ruin my life, im a terrible partner...etc.

The messages stopped at 2:30 so im guessing she passed out.

I didnt come home after work. I dont feel safe nor do I want to be around her when she drinks. So im sitting in a Walmart parking lot figuring out what I need to get through a day or two sleeping in the car. The really shitty part is that its my house and I dont feel safe in it.

It is such a deep pain

I’ve been with my husband for twenty years, we have two college-aged kids who are both out of state in school. We’ve been through it all over the course of his drinking - beginning with passing out at friends houses, phone calls to come get him, unable to wake him in the car, to burnt food on the stove and a call to the fire department to ventilate our home, to a wrecked car (and because he was also an officer, PD brought him home, no negative consequences), to embarrassment of how drunk he got on a kayaking trip with coworkers, to traffic stop and a .14 (still no arrest, but he did have to resign), and so on.

Anyway, we’re still going through the motions. He’ll be sober for months, then all of a sudden think, hmm, I’m a 48yo man, if I want to drink after cutting the grass and watch sports then I’m going to do it. He keeps on saying he’s not like before, he’s not the same person, he has it under control… that was 4 weeks ago, three of those weekends he has downed a dozen IPAs in a day, even door dashing another pack and when I calmly asked, are you sure you want to do that?, he said at least I didn’t drive. Which yes, that’s good - bravo, but wtf. That is the rationalization he’ll make to find a bright side rather than recognizing the dark side that he “needed” to order more.

For the one weekend out of the last four he was sober, we had traveled to see our son (he doesn’t drink in front of our kids - they know his use and I’ve always been honest as I could depending on their age at the time, but he doesn’t sit at the dinner table and do it, it’s usually away in his game/sports room), anyway, during this drive we had a very in-depth conversation (5 hour drive was a good time for this because it made us remain calm and present), and he still refuses to acknowledge that alcohol is a problem for him. I explained how upsetting it is for me considering all I’ve had to endure. I’m not trying to place a label on it, just trying to get him to see it is progressive - and I’m scared. He says it’s a lot of pressure to not drink, but won’t admit it’s a problem. It feels he wants to use the “it’s so hard” card for me to be accepting and understanding, but he won’t accept it’s so hard should indicate it’s a problem for him.

He still doesn’t get it. He thinks he need to drink it everyday to have a problem, or if he doesn’t hold a job (he has continued to have good career b/c he doesn’t have a dui on his record - he doesn’t see how lucky he is)… he doesn’t or won’t accept it’s not always the stereotypical movie drunk. It’s every day people.

I try to set my own boundaries, I’ve explained I wouldn’t be around him if he chose to drink. But then I’m stuck in our bedroom all weekend unable to enjoy home peacefully. Why is that fair? I feel like if I believe he has a problem - it’s obv, he does - and I classify it as AUD or he’s an alcoholic, then I should ignore it and all him to crash on his own, but that feels too much of a victim for me. If feels like he just gets to do what he wants and I suffer, or have to change my norm. I don’t want to just let it be.

If he’s against admitting it’s a problem - but makes the choice to do it anyway knowing the impact to our relationship, is that an alcohol problem or a marriage problem?

Why do I feel so guilty about making the choice to leave? I have rambled, I just don’t know what else to do anymore.

Some info to get you up to speed:
Q-Husband(m46) and I(f47) have been together since we were 18 (married for 24 years). We have two grown children, daughter(f23) and son(m20). Neither live at home.

QH and I had to make the decision to sell our family home so that we could hopefully take the profits and buy something outright. This way we could rid ourselves of a mortgage payment we might struggle to afford again (his job loss - surprisingly not due to drinking).

QH has struggled with alcohol for the better part of 10 years with the last 6 being active. We tried counseling (didn't take b/c he wouldn't be honest about his drinking), he tried a few AA meetings (didn't take b/c he "isn't like those drunks" and "what would they know about supporting a family of four and the pressure that goes along with it?"), I found AlAnon 2.5 years ago and it stuck like glue to every part of my existence. I go to one in-person meeting a week and zoom the rest when I need to.

He has never been physically abusive, never laid a hand on me or our children.
He is the most generous and kind human I have ever known and the absolute love of my life.
He is an alcoholic through and through. Hides bottles, drinks in secret, absent in nearly every moment we are together (unless he's white-knuckling a moment of sobriety), denies being intoxicated when asked if he's sober, and is probably addicted to OTC sleeping pills as he's been taking them nightly for decades.

ADVICE SEEKING STUFF:

• Our house is active on the market. We are hoping to have a contingent offer in the near future.
• I found a few small places that I really like. QH is still in denial we are losing our family home and will have to move somewhere else - he gets irritated every time I bring it up (doesn't like to look at listings, talk budgets, future plans etc).
• I spoke with a trusted friend (who has been divorced for 2 years - similar situation) about the ideas I had for our future and she asked me, "Right now, what do YOU want for your future? What does YOURS look like?", I knew immediately that it was in one of the small homes I have been looking at...alone. Just me and my fur babies.
• Then she said something that struck like a bolt of lightning. "You have done the work, but you cannot begin to truly heal until you have left the chaos. You cannot imagine what is on the other side waiting for you until you are no longer in survival mode. That's where your nervous system is. That's your baseline now. You have to be away from the disease to begin to recover from it."
• I equated this to when my kids were little. I would clean up their messes during the day and then turn around and the mess would be there again. I eventually left the mess alone and when I put them to bed for the night, I would clean and it would stay clean.
• So how can I clean up my life when I live and spend my time with the person who is making the mess? Every time I clean up a little (heal something inside me), he makes another mess and my cleaning feels futile. If he goes to bed in (lives in) another space, I can clean all I want and there won't be any messes in the morning. I can start to heal without having my progress derailed when he's messy.
• I want to stay together. I never think of divorce. I know the man I love is in there somewhere and honestly, I think when he gets better, he will be an improved version of that man. This may be delusional thinking, but I can't think of anything else at this point. It feels so natural to think this no matter how it sounds to anyone else. I want him to get better and I truly feel he will...given the right circumstances.
• Not living together once we sell our home is what I want. I want to take my half and buy a little place of my own. He can decide what he wants to do with his half. I want us to take some time apart to work on ourselves. If after some time we are both in a better place and wanting to continue our lives together, then we do that. If we are both in a better place and decide we want to stay apart, then we do that. Is this crazy talk? Has anyone ever done this and had any success?
• When I think of living on my own, I feel a level of excitement I've never felt before. I have never in my whole life done something that brings ONLY me excitement. My joy has always been tethered to someone else's joy. I'm an Adult Child of an Alcoholic as well so it's truly been my whole life.
• How do I start this conversation? How do I remain firm in what I want and why I want it? How do I not give in when I see it break his heart? How do I not give in when my children ask me to not do this? They have both told me that at the end of this chapter, if Mom and Dad are still together it will all be okay. How do I change the plan that everyone likes in the 11th hour and sleep at night?

If you have read this far, I truly appreciate any feedback, opinions, advice...whatever the spirit moves you to share. I am active in this sub, but only as someone who leaves replies. This is my first (I think...) post asking for support. This community is so good for all of us who read and share and help in our own ways. I am hopeful it will come back ten fold for me in this moment. I wish you all peace and strength in your own journeys. Thanks for spending a few minutes with me. <3

I texted him the night before last and told him we couldn't be together anymore. It's too triggering for me to be with him knowing that he's likely heading down the same path as my dad. He got really mad at me and I do feel bad but I just can't be with an addict. I'm too young to be dealing with this in the first place. I didn't tell his parents but I did put in an anonymous tip to my school counselor and I trust that they'll get him the help he needs.

The Alateen group near me meets at a time I can't attend because I have work but I'm going to an Al Anon meeting on Friday and I'm hoping it'll give me some insight. I've been dealing with the effects of addiction literally my whole life and I'm only 16, that's not fair and I'm realizing I need help that I'll hopefully receive.

My mom has been an alcoholic for a long time, about 10 years now, basically for as long as I can remember (I'm only 21). My dad drinks heavily too, though he doesn't get visibly drunk. He has about a bottle of wine a day, while my mom drinks two or more. Neither of them wants to stop but my dad says he is willing if she does. My mom refuses treatment and her health is bad overall. Her doctor has already told her the drinking is affecting it.
This is something I've always lived with. She always gets hurt when she's drunk. Almost every year she falls and needs stitches or ends up badly bruised.
Lately it's gotten scarier. She's been drinking until she passes out while cooking. I still live with my parents, and two months ago I walked into the kitchen to find a pan on fire and her asleep. I panicked, and my dad helped me put it out. Since then I've caught her asleep with the stove on about four more times, and I don't know what to do. On weekends she starts drinking in the morning and by noon she's asleep in the kitchen.
She has her own money and earns most of the household income. My dad argues with her about it, but he drinks too, but he says he can stop whenever he wants.
Is there a way to make them seek help? She is so stubborn and when I fight her she used the fact she pays my bills against me and I don’t know how to respond, since it is true. This is so hard.

I've posted here before about my (58f) husband (60m). I've been living separately from him for about 9 months and am enjoying my peace. We have come to a shared arrangement and even enjoy dinner together regularly.

The rule of my house is he cannot drink here and if he has been drinking then he isn't welcome. He doesn't stay over and its more like a friendship. Given all that has happened in the past I do not want to revisit an intimate relationship with him.

Every few months he slips up. About 4 months ago he said he wanted to stop drinking, I said I would support him and I have been. I don't drink around him and every so often I would check in with him to see how he's going. His response has always been that it's no big deal.

Fast forward to a week ago when he sent me a text message that was pretty accusatory that I haven't been supportive. This came out of left field as we had been talking backwards and forwards and had made plans for the afternoon.

So I called him to try and fill in the blanks and it was pretty obvious he was drinking. I called him out on it and told him I was upset as we had made plans and he drank knowing that and our agreement.

From there the messages began and became increasingly designed to get a reaction from me and although Im not proud of it, I did react. I decided there and then I needed to break all contact and asked him to not call me. He continued, I blocked his number and blocked him from messaging me also.

When I wouldn't respond he called police to do a welfare check on me. Before they left they advised that he sounded drunk on the phone when he called them.

Fast forward a week of me trying to ignore him and him trying to find ways to get me to react. He began emailing me. This too got out of hand and he started name calling and making veiled threats to ruin my career.

I again ignored these and then this afternoon he turned up to my house drunk demanding to talk to me. I asked him to leave a number of times which he ignored and told him if he didn’t I would call the police. Instead of leaving, he sat down and told me to call them, and waited on my back verandah.

So I called them. He left before they arrived however they went to see him and took him to the police station, putting a safety notice in place, where he is not allowed near me or to contact me.

I never dreamed things could ever get this out of hand, this quickly or that this man that I once loved, could end up being ordered to stop having contact.

The order goes to court in a couple of weeks and any plans we have made are now cancelled.

I hope this is a wake up call for him. I'm looking forward to separating our joint affairs so I can completely move on.

Q, my husband, is 34 y/o. We have three children together - one under a year old.

He is in a cycle of going in depression mode every couple of months but yet he seeks no means to end the cycle. No attempt to see a therapist, get on medication, go for a walk, or god forbid stop drinking.

He blames the depression on those closest to him - but I want in the worst way to question if he’s ever attributed it to being an alcoholic.

I've come to the realization lately that both my husband and I are alcoholics. Mine has resulted in mental health issues like anxiety, hangovers, poor sleep, etc. His drinking resulted in him getting fired. The problem is he doesn't see it that way. Despite being drunk leading to the behavior that got him fired, he thinks he was wrongfully terminated. I have made a commitment to sobriety and currently have 1 month. I've had conversations with him both before and after he got fired about how worried I am by his drinking and he gets defensive and argues. Now in my experience it took me 20 years since when I first started drinking until now when I've finally realized moderation only brings me back to daily drinking and that zero is the only way. I'm wondering if I need to give him more time to come around, or if I should start preparing to cut my losses I guess. I am already working with a therapist on putting my own needs first.

Hey everyone,
I’m 17, and I’m writing this post with the help of AI because I haven’t really been able to open up to anyone about all of this.
I hope that people who have been through similar experiences can help me understand what’s happening to me.
Let’s get straight into it.
The man who raised me became my father figure because my biological father went out to buy milk when I was two and never really came back. But let’s talk about the father who actually raised me.
When I was around twelve, his alcohol consumption increasingly became the center of our family life. He became unreliable, lost his job as a construction manager because of his alcohol addiction, and was emotionally absent and unpredictable. Sometimes he would even drive to work in the morning with alcohol still in his system, which is absolutely unacceptable in my eyes. The irony is that his own father died from alcohol-related causes, and he still continues to drink.
My relationship with him was mostly silence and criticism. I can barely remember him telling me that he was proud of me. We simply never spent meaningful time together or had conversations about emotions, relationships, or growing up. I had to learn to deal with a lot of things on my own at an early age.
At the same time, I was working 10–15 hours a week alongside attending an academically demanding secondary school, and I built a lot of things for myself. However, I received more recognition from other people than from him.
At work, I’m trusted with a tremendous amount of responsibility. I handle large sums of money without direct supervision and have access to my boss’s business account, including raw financial figures, revenue data, reports, and so on. And remember, I’m only 17.
Nine months ago, he suddenly left my mum and me.
I had offered to go to therapy with him or help him get medically assessed because of his alcohol addiction. He laughed at me and acted as though I wasn’t in my right mind. I haven’t had any contact with him since.
Nevertheless, his leaving still feels like a loss in some ways. Not just because the person himself is gone from my life, but also because I never really had the father-son relationship I had always wanted.
Since then, I’ve noticed that I’ve changed. From the outside, I’m functioning: I go to school, work, have goals, and enjoy helping other people. But internally, I often feel empty and exhausted. As soon as things get quiet, my thoughts start getting incredibly loud.
That’s why I constantly distract myself with work, exercise, friends, videos, or my motorcycle.
One of the biggest problems, however, is emotional intimacy. I want trust and a genuine connection with someone, but I get scared as soon as someone starts to really matter to me.
With a girl I was close to in the past, I realized just how much I long for emotional closeness while simultaneously being afraid of being abandoned or disappointed again. I overthink things, withdraw, or assume that the other person will eventually leave anyway.
Honestly, I think a straightforward rejection would be easier for me to handle than getting close to someone and having that relationship fall apart later.
Accepting help is difficult for me, too. I genuinely enjoy listening to other people and supporting them, but I hardly ever talk about how I’m actually doing myself. I’m afraid that someone might abuse my trust or that my feelings might mean less to them than they mean to me.
As a result, I feel increasingly alone, and I often adapt myself to other people just to avoid being rejected.
My motorcycle is another complicated subject. Riding gives me a sense of freedom and helps me switch off my thoughts. At the same time, I’ve ridden far too recklessly on one occasion because I wanted the thoughts in my head to become quieter, even if only for a moment.
For example, I rode at around 90 km/h (56 mph) in a 30 km/h (19 mph) zone. It was a one-off, extremely reckless and stupid impulsive moment, triggered by the girl I mentioned earlier.
In moments like that, it isn’t really about speed. It’s about wanting to stop feeling or thinking about anything for a little while.
I don’t want this to turn into a way of punishing myself or putting myself and others in danger, especially because I despise my father’s irresponsibility when it comes to road safety.
I’m genuinely afraid of becoming like him one day. That’s one of the reasons I don’t drink alcohol and don’t want to start.
I want to become a reliable father someday. Someone who listens to his children, tells them he’s proud of them, and makes them feel that they don’t have to face everything alone. Someone who tells them, “We’ll get through this together.”
At the same time, I wonder whether my experiences have shaped me so deeply that I might unconsciously develop similar patterns later in life.
I’m not looking for a way to blame my father for everything. I want to understand how his addiction, emotional absence, and sudden departure have affected me, and how I can prevent myself from becoming increasingly distant from other people.
My three biggest questions are:
How do you process having a parent who was emotionally unavailable and struggled with alcoholism for years, only to eventually leave you?
How do you learn to let people get close to you and trust them again without constantly expecting rejection or abandonment?
How do you distance yourself from your parent’s behavior without living in constant fear of becoming just like them?
Thank you to everyone who took the time to read this and share their thoughts in the comments. I genuinely appreciate it.

My dad’s drinking has been a problem for years. Three days ago he came home really drunk and started yelling at my mom. I couldn’t take it anymore and I screamed at him, and I almost hit him. He calmed down after that and went to sleep, and nobody has said anything about it since.

I love him but I’m exhausted and anxious all the time, and I feel guilty for wanting to stay away from him. Now I keep replaying it and I don’t know if I did the right thing or just made it worse. I’m scared of how close I came to hitting him.

Has anyone been in this spot? How do you step in when it gets that bad without losing it, and how do you talk to your parent afterward when they’re sober?

Currently my boundary with my husband said I will not be around him if he is visibly intoxicated. He’s actually been doing really well with that since January of this year.

My concern is Christmas. He has a history of not doing so great with that. My children, who do not live locally, will be home with their spouses. I know my boundary is removing myself from where he is, but I don’t want to do that when my children are home. I don’t want to spend Christmas by myself in another room while my husband spends it with our children. Any ideas on how I can handle this?

EDIT: The over drinking occurs on
Christmas Eve during and after our gift opening. After gifts we either watch A Christmas Carol or play a game. Neither of my children will want to leave the house with me during our family gift opening. I don’t want to leave either. That’s my quandary.

I asked my fiancee to move out today

The past few months have been such a rollercoaster.

We have been together three years, early 30s

I know it’s denial and codependency but I love them and I’m not ready to fully let go.

I haven’t made any promises or guarantees about what our future holds but after asking about 3 times I finally got through to them that I would like them to leave.

I went to our home today and was picking up some things because I’ve been out for a week at my moms and there was so much hurt in their eyes.

The had been drinking which they admitted to when I saw d I was on my way over (I didn’t ask!) and are afraid to stop until the can see a doctor to safely detox.

I know I’m doing the right thing but it hurts a lot.

I’m getting myself to meetings and working on me in the meantime.

If anyone wants to share, I’m here. Thanks for reading

My husband made the decision to go to a detox and rehab facility for alcohol use. I'm so proud of him.

He's struggled with alcohol for as long as I've known him. He's been in denial for just as long. In a moment of clarity, he realized he won't survive much longer if he doesn't change. He admitted to me yesterday that he has a problem and he needs help. We called places in our area, and he picked where he wanted to go.

I never thought he would make this decision. Not in a million years. Not only does he want to quit drinking, he wants to work through his mental health struggles. And to my surprise, he's even open to taking medication for his mental health.

I dropped him off for a residential inpatient program this morning. It was a very sudden decision, so I'm still processing things. I've cried a lot today. Because I've wanted this for so long, and because I'm going to be by myself for a few weeks. I've never been away from him more than 2 days during our 10 years marriage. I can absolutely manage on my own, but it's already harder than I expected.

I know he's exactly where he needs to be to get better and to get a second chance at a happy healthy life. He's my best friend. I'm so excited to see what the future holds on his journey to sobriety.

Any advice for supporting a recovering addict once he comes home? Also any advice for coping with loneliness while he's gone?

My Q went to rehab last Sunday. We have had a LONG, hard road before this. I broke up with him two weeks before he left to try to push him to get help. We have a 2 year old and one on the way. With my pregnancy becoming a thing I finally had enough and put my foot down by moving in with my mom with our son. He made the decision to go to rehab because we were facing eviction, had no gas for hot water or cooking, and the water was about to be shut off. Instead of once again digging us out of the hole his alcoholism and kratom use put us in, I decided to leave the house instead. I think losing me and his son under the same roof was enough for him to finally admit to his addiction.

That being said, I want our family together. I know the man he truly is and only wanted to allow the rock bottom to happen for results for the future of our family. Now that he’s there I’m struggling so bad with the no contact part of the rehab stay. And going down a dark road reading about how residents of rehabs gain their libidos back and screw like rabbits there. And multiple stories of women losing their men to other women in the rehab. I never wanted him to disappear, just get help. He’s never cheated before but we aren’t technically together now so I’m afraid he will move on. I obviously wanted sobriety though. How do I cope with all this fear and mixed emotions? I’m so proud he’s been sticking it out. But not being able to find out how he is or where his brain is at has me reeling.

12 year relationship.

2 kids.

He's a cokehead.

Multiple times I've caught him out over the years.

The "last time" I kicked him out and outed him to his mum.

This was right over christmas 2 years a go, stupidly I let him back after 2 weeks.

This only made him more sneaky.

He would say "I'm done with that now. I never want to lose you and the kids again".

Over the last 6 months the signs have been creeping back. He's become slack at hiding it.

Last night I went on his phone. He'd signed up to tinder, only fans. Spent £100 on those two in one night whilst I was away for work.

Confronted this morning. Cocaine again. Obviously.

I can't do this anymore. Same old routine, he cries and says he hates himself. He's weak, he says. He's so sorry, he loves me.

It's all bullshit. This isnt love.

I need him to leave, to break apart our family. Otherwise this will be our life forever. The same old cycle.

I've been a doormat. I've enabled him by not kicking his arse to the curb soon as the first time I caught him doing coke in the living room alone, when I was 6 months pregnant with my first.

Guess if I'd have done that we'd have never had our youngest. This is our fate. We were never meant to be a happy family, I guess.

I feel so fucking sad. I wish I'd not found out tbh. Blissful ignorance.

For now, he's still here. He's made a fort downstairs and is watching a movie with the kids.

I've told him by the end of the week I need him gone.

This is my first time posting here. My little brother is my Q and has struggled off and on with drinking for the last 10 years (he is 24). And just to be clear we've tried rehab, medication, antabuse, etc.

He is in school but still lives with my mom and she pays for everything for him. Sometimes he is clean for months and sometimes he will have bad bouts of drinking.

During those times I have no idea how he is getting alcohol. He has a car, a golf cart, and a boat, all purchased by my mom and all vehicles he has driven drunk.

My mom was basically a single mom so it has been only me and her dealing with my brother for years. He and I don't have a very close relationship -- nothing bad we just don't have much in common.

I have told her the next time she calls me to freak out about my brother being our driving drunk that I'm going to call the cops because he's a danger to himself and others. She begs me not to and says she can't afford a lawyer.

She worries about his mental health, but I worry about hers. He takes advantage of her but she's also extremely critical of both of us. She calls me to complain about him pissing the bed for the millionth time or cleaning up his vomit and I have to wonder how much longer this will go on before she finally kicks him out.

If you were me would you cut them both off? There's not much I can do besides calling the police but she doesn't tell me about his drunk driving until after the fact anymore.

Throw away account for obvious reasons. I’m very sorry if this post is disjointed. I’m in an enormous amount of pain right now.

I’ve been with my Q for 18 years, married for 12. We met in college and fell deeply in love. For many years, our relationship was the envy of every single person around us. We were always the stable couple that everyone knew would be together for the long run. We’ve navigated many difficult times together including the loss of loved ones, my time in the military (many extended periods away from home), deep financial stress, career changes, as well as all the usual ins-and-outs of a normal relationship. Through all of it, we’ve always remained steadfast and strongly supportive of each other. Our love has matured in so many ways over the years.

With that said, her drinking has always been a problem… but it’s become increasingly unbearable these last 4 years especially. We’ve been navigating an extremely difficult period in our relationship since early 2022. It was around that time that she made an absolutely devastating decision with major implications for our relationship and for our life together. One that I have never fully healed from. I have always believed that her decision at that time was directly influenced by her addictions to alcohol and cigarettes…a point which she will deny to the ends of the earth. Since that time, we’ve been through more relationship counselors than I can even remember.

She comes from an unusually traumatic background, and as a way to cope with the inevitably complex emotions that come with childhood trauma, she drinks daily. In fact, I cannot remember a single day in recent years that she hasn’t had a drink. I’m sure they’ve occurred, but I simply can’t think of one. They’re rare. What’s worse is that she lies about it ALL THE TIME. She lies so much that my default assumption at this point is that she is incapable of telling the truth when she drinks. I’ve tried everything I can think of to ask…beg…that she stop. I’ve tried negotiating. I’ve tried showing relentless compassion and empathy. I’ve supported her through countless years of therapy (some focused on substance abuse while others only focus on life/trauma absent her drinking). I’ve gotten angry. I’ve monitored the levels on liquor bottles. I’ve ignored the levels on liquor bottles. I’ve tried establishing boundaries (which I’m horrible at maintaining). I’ve tried separation. I’ve tried Al-Anon (for me). We’ve attended SMART Recovery meetings together (she refuses to attend AA due to her negative experiences attending with her alcoholic mother as a child). I’ve tried getting her to exercise with me as a distraction. I’ve agreed to moderation plans (which never work). I’ve tried stepping away and refusing to engage when she drinks excessively (also never works).

Through our most recent therapy-guided attempt at addressing this, we’ve even tried establishing a moderation schedule, wherein she’s allowed 3 drinks per night Sunday-Thursday (work nights) and then no limits on Friday and Saturday. This was her idea as a way to establish firm rules that she can follow. Our couples counselor has tried helping us work through this dynamic… It began failing in the first week. She immediately began lying and hiding countless drinks behind my back. For a while, she’d hide liquor bottles all around the house. Then when she couldn’t get away with that, she started buying multiple different types of alcohol and would drink various amounts of all of them to reduce how visibly depleted each of the bottles might look.

When I ask her outright how much she’s had, she lies. When I try to call her out on her lies, she lies even more. When I prove beyond any shadow of a doubt that I know she’s lying, she shifts to blaming me. Says that I’m not supportive enough. That I don’t love her for who she is. That I’m never available. That I can’t forgive her for what she did in 2022. That I’m always stressed, which makes her stressed (no matter that the single biggest contributor to my stress is her drinking). Etc…etc…

I’m so tired. And I’m so heartbroken. I told her today (while she was drunk at 11AM) that I’ve hit my limit and I think we should split up. I’m such a coward that I couldn’t even bring myself to use the word “divorce”.

I don’t want a divorce. I just want my wife back. But at this point, I don’t think I’ll ever really see her again. I may see glimpses from time to time, but they’re inevitably short-lived. Even one day of seeming clarity is always sullied by the inevitable drinking and lies just off on the horizon.

Am I right to seek divorce? This will be our 3rd separation in almost 5 years. I keep hoping that rock-bottom will be enough for her to stop, but it never is. It feels like I’m abandoning her right when she needs me most.

I’ve posted a few times.

My Q, my husband, of 1 year next week is back on it, I don’t think he ever really left it.

He uses it to reduce his anxiety and manage his stress. Starts Wednesday, goes on till Saturday, recovers Sunday, and rinse and repeat.

Everyone here said .. don’t marry him. I did. I had hope. He had been good for a really good stretch - not drinking, going to the gym, getting out, being happy.

And then lead up to our wedding - all hell broke lose, and it was regular drinking leading up to the wedding, because of stress, it’s not what he really wanted. I offered 2 days before the wedding (I’d had enough) to call it and I would cover all the costs, and he said no let’s go through with it.

The idiot that I am, I did.

We had lots of conversations over the years preceding the wedding that we would have kids, the next day he didn’t want kids, then change again (to make me happy apparently). All this while the drinking pattern continued. And my mind started saying, what I want to do this forever if we didn’t have kids, i don’t want to be his carer.

And now this whole last year he has staunchly said “no kids”.

And I don’t know what we’ve been trying to do this past year (oh we separated briefly after getting married - had a good 2 months, followed by hatred and anger towards me for forcing him to get married). I didn’t. I think I’ve been waiting for him to work on his drinking so we can have the conversation about kids. But it’s been constant. I found out over the weekend that he still blames me for choices he made. And of course if he’s so miserable in the marriage/relationship, Ofcourse he’s going to be drinking every day. So I am the problem. The shock I felt hearing this, after everything I’ve doing .. to help him. Wasted time.

So, now I’ve taken it into my own hands. I do want to try for children, and I booked a specialist appt. And told him.

And that’s it. Very quickly he said, okay then you do your thing, and you’ve started the break up process by making the decision to have a child. Well, we are now separated.

He is .. relieved? But still drinking? As if he feels sad about our marriage ending. Such a shit show. I am so angry.

I have to now navigate a whole new world of being single and pursuing motherhood through IVF and donor sperm, in my 40s. What a waste of my life.

Hello! This is my first post here. I’m really struggling to find people who are able to comprehend the nuances of loving an alcoholic. My fiancé and I got engaged in September of 2025 and are planning a wedding for September 2027. He always had issues with drinking “too much too fast”. It really became an issue when that became daily. When he would drink we would get into physical fights. He wouldn’t strike me, it was more shoving, pushing, grabbing, etc. When he is sober he is the most patient and kind man I’ve ever known. This really put a strain on our relationship. After trying to quit on his own several times, he went into Drug & Alcohol counseling about 4 weeks ago now. I put off looking for houses and wedding planning until he was in it for a month. Now, it’s time to reconsider and see where we are. I have a few questions.
How do I work towards forgiveness?
How do I trust him again?
How do I best support him?
How do I honor myself/prioritize my safety and wellbeing?
If anyone has any advice I would really really appreciate it and if you need any more info I’m happy to provide it.
Thank you all🤍

I’m sharing a positive change… my husband has been sad because a group of his online friends got together for a really cool multi-day trip, staying at someone’s house who has a nice property in the woods. He has been talking to them and seeing their pictures, and they are having a great time.

He didn’t go number one because we happen to live farther away and the plane ticket would have been high for us right now — but also manageable.

Number two they had plans to drink every night and the host was buying a lot of liquor to prepare.

Well — my husband has been sad to miss out!

Well this is the first time since he has been sober, that he has been able to feel sad about missing out on something or “not being allowed to drink” or “I can never drink again” or things like that — that I have not taken it personally and felt like it was my fault or something I should fix in some way.

This is the first time I’ve felt like I can feel sympathetic to his feelings.

And not more defensive “what was I supposed to do” or hostile “how is this my fault, why do you think this is my fault?”

Anyway — I feel like I’m doing better with trying to be less co-dependent.

We broke up about a month ago mutually and we had been together for 7 years and lived together. I just miss him so much. The stress and loneliness of the relationship gave me physical pain because of the weekend binge drinking and me feeling obligated to care for and pay attention to his adolescent kids he had on the weekends since he didn’t pay them much attention. He just wanted to force them to do things he liked to do even if they didn’t like it or want to do it. He never took interest in their interests. So I did the emotional labor because it killed me to see it. And they called me mom, so I’m heartbroken about being out of their lives too.

Also my family lived very far away and I missed them a lot and it was wearing on me to make the drive to visit them many times a year. I have a huge support system there. It was just not a good fit being so far away from them and my friends. I was so lonely. But like many of us codependents I was addicted to him in a way. Even though it was slowly killing me. I told him if we ever get back together I can’t handle the drinking anymore and we need to live closer to my family. He wants to lessen how much he drinks but he said he doesn’t want to stop completely. And he wants to be able to make mistakes without someone (me) coming down on him and judging him. So he wants to work on it alone.

We really loved each other though and still do and it ended amicably. We care about each other and it just kills me that this person I love has this problem that makes me unable to be with him. I’m just grieving and it fucking hurts. And the intimate times were the best I’d ever had. I miss it so much. Except when he was shitfaced in the middle of the night begging for it with whiskey dick 🙄. I do NOT miss that.

My father is an alcoholic and has been for as long as I can remember. In 2020, he moved to Florida and retired. Since retiring, he has been drinking more frequently, and in the past year or so, I would say he has been drinking from morning till night.

I had to cut off all contact with him when my son was born in late 2025. He became extremely erratic and displayed childish behavior, which made me realize there was nothing I could do or say to change his mindset on drinking or how he treats our family, especially me, since I had just given birth. I made the decision to protect my son, my husband, and our peace. It was difficult but necessary, since I was postpartum and my main concern was taking care of my son.

The first few months, I felt angry, sad, and very guilty. A year later, I feel I made the best decision for my family. My son's upbringing in a normal, healthy environment is important. He needs a mother who is focused on him and not on other things.

Fast forward to today: my younger brother, who still keeps in contact with my dad, told me that my father's "roommates" beat him up and that he is not doing well. My father owns a home in Florida and rents out a couple of bedrooms for extra cash. In the past few years, we have advised him against this because he is not an easy person to live with, and he constantly has to get the police involved to make people leave once he no longer wants them there. He doesn't listen, and each time a person leaves, he invites another. I'm talking about random people he meets online. Each experience is worse than the last, and he still does not take our advice.
My brother wants to visit him for a week and help him out. I obviously cannot and will not go, but I do feel a bit sad about the state he is in.

I am not sure what I am doing by writing this but I’ve been wanting to share for a long time and I wish I had someone to talk to about this.