For starters, ive never dated another guy or done anything with one, only with people of the opposite gender, but I've had thoughts about how i wouldn't mind being with a person of the same sex as long as they were a feminine. This makes me feel weird because I've never thought of myself as a bisexual person but im not sure if it'd make me bisexual liking a feminine guy, because, well they're feminine. Any advice on what i could do would be appreciated

I know that gender is not gender expression, it's not pronouns, it's not sexuality, it's not sex, so what is it? I am an afab cis woman, but I've never really identified very strongly with 'girl,' or any other label either. What should I feel towards a gender identity to know that that's me? I've always enjoyed dressing androgenously, and I enjoy when people have to ask my pronouns, but I just say she/her because that's what I've been saying for my whole life. Like she/her is chill, but why is it? I'd probably be fine with any pronouns but it's just so easy to say the ones that I've used and that everyone thinks anyway.

And now the second part because I don't get any of it. When it comes to attraction and relationships, what's the difference between romantic and platonic? When does it cross that boundary? I understand what sexual attraction is, which seems pretty clear, but the other two are just vibes based - what's so special about romantic relationships?

I've stepped around the idea of being aroace since middle school, and I just haven't felt attraction ever. I've wanted to be friends with people, I've wanted to deepen connections and been jealous of deep connections that friends or acquaintances had with other people, but I don't think any of that has been romantic. But what would be the difference between being really intimate friends with them and a romantic relationship?

This confusion around relationships and gender kind of culminates in a sexuality confusion. Especially eliminating sexual attraction and solely looking at romatic feelings, how does this romantic attraction work? If gender is fake and made up, how do people define themselves based on attraction?

These are some of the reasons defining myself as aroace (or even maybe agender, I have no clue) is really tough for me. I want to work in definitives. You can't prove that something isn't there. There's always the possibility that something may show up and that scares me. How do I know that I am this label and this label is me? (And furthermore in the general case, how does one know that their label is them and they are their label?)

This keeps going in a loop and brings me back to wtf is gender? As someone who hasn't experienced attraction, from what I've seen, these labels for sexuality and everything are based on gender (at least loosely). "I am a woman who likes other women so I am a lesbian," "I am a man who likes people regardless of gender so I am pan." Gender is the focus in these labels and attraction. Without this, what does gender even mean?

Just my confused ramblings that I 've wanted to ask for a while, but I remembered again because I looked in the mirror and looked like a boy and I enjoyed it. Androgeny has always been the goal, but I don't even know what that means or how to achieve it or why I want it or anything.

Anyway TLDR: Gender is strange because what even is it, and sexuality is strange because how can it be defined and this makes gender even stranger, especially without the presence of attraction and sexuality.

I’m gonna make this quick and easy to understand because I’m not very good at using Reddit.

for a little bit now, I’ve been wishing to look like a boy, but I love being a girl. O get really conflicted about this, I haven’t experienced anything with my body but I just wish I could be a boy but keeping my she/her pronouns would be nice, I just get so conflicted because I don’t know what to feel.

I’m in middle school and I wouldn't transition or make it obvious until I got to collage because I live in a rural town and everyone is anti LGBTQ+.

I’m not sure if this is the right place to post this, but I really need advice and I don’t know where to go. I apologize for how all over this place this will be, I’m a mess.

For context, I am 22f and married to a man. We have one child. I have identified as bisexual with a female preference my entire life. I knew I liked girls from a very young age, I realized in 2nd grade and came out in 4th. My family has always been super open so it was never really a big deal. I’ve dated plenty of women and men.

Well now I’m an adult and married to a man and I’m completely spiraling. This isn’t your typical 2am spiral, I’ve been spiraling about this for a very long time. I think I may be a lesbian, which wouldn’t be a big deal typically, but as I said, I have a family. I don’t know where to go from here, and I need advice on whether or not I actually am a lesbian. Just to put this all into context, I’m going to add a bulleted list of why I’m having these suspicious, and you can tell me what you think in the comments. If you couldn’t tell, yes, I am autistic.

• I knew I liked women from a very young age. It was never a question. I’ve only ever questioned liking men. I always imagined myself marrying a woman someday, but figured at some point I’d settled down with a man because “that’s just what you do.”

• I don’t think I’ve ever been s*xually attracted to a man or their body. Just the idea of them. I don’t like touching their parts. When I do it with my husband, I make him do everything. I don’t enjoy him, just the feeling. Like scratching an itch. I always think I want it, but as soon as it starts, I just want it to end. I’m always disappointed after. And it’s not a him problem, he does very well, I just don’t like it.

• If I watch p*rn*,* it’s only lesbian p*rn. And I usually cry after. It’s like a feeling of longing.

• I’m only really attracted to unattainable or fictional men. Seeing an attractive guy in public is more like “I hope he likes me,” not “I like him.”

• My husband and I fight constantly. And although he is a bit of an idiot, I’m starting to wonder if it’s my subconscious trying to tell me something. It’s like nothing he does will ever be good enough. Even when he does put in the effort, it never feels like enough. This has been a constant thing with all my past male partners.

• I’m constantly longing for more. I’m always wondering what else is out there. I sit around and wonder what my life would have been like with a woman. I have this constant feeling that I’ve settled. I feel trapped. I feel so unfulfilled.

• On the same note, I don’t think I’d feel miserable if we stayed together forever. Just not entirely happy.

For a long time, I thought it was my husband that was the problem. That maybe we just weren’t right for each other. But now I’m thinking, maybe no man will ever be right for me. I’ve had my lesbian suspicions for a very long time, longer than I’ve known my husband. But for some reason, I’ve stuffed it down. Maybe part of me was ashamed for some reason. Maybe I wanted to live this typical “all American family” life. Maybe I just wanted to be society’s version of normal. But every once in a while, I’d repeat this same spiral, but instead of looking deeper, I’d just push it away. But I’ve been unhappy for a very long time now, and I need to truly find myself. I just really need some advice.

i thought i was a lesbian at first but no because i like femboys but i only like them when they have slightly feminine OR androgynous features (i also like nonbinary lesbians and mascs/butches so it can’t be gynosexual either)

I've never posted on these forums before but I was wondering if anyone had a rough cost of no insurance for an STD/sti test I was coerced into sleeping with someone and I have been too scared to go get tested I know I should've gone sooner but I am going now I'm just afraid of the cost and dealing with the whole experience with no support has been really hard

I've only recently discovered this short but shiny moment of queer visibility that happened 100 years ago. Did everyone know about it already? If not...

In the late 1920s and early 1930s, queer performers were headlining New York nightlife, drawing huge crowds, and appearing in mainstream entertainment. Then came a backlash that pushed that visibility underground.

Sound familiar? Yeah, it's happening again.

I was so engrossed in this topic, that I read George Chauncey's book "Gay New York", which I highly recommend, and created an educational youtube video about it. It's complete with playful and easy tactics to resist anti-lgbt movements. Let me know if you recommend any other media about this. I'm on a tangent. Thanks!

Hello all, maybe I can get some perspective.

Im a 25F bisexual who lives in Omaha, NE. In terms of LGBT friendly cities, Omaha isnt that bad, in my experience. Lots of queer people, spaces, events, etc, enough to make me want to look for them.

Recently, Ive been told that the only way for me to thrive in relationships and my career is to move to a more inclusive city. These are big issues of mine, so of course it's been on my mind.

However, my only real issue is I don't want to move. My whole family is here, my friends, my job, I cant afford to live on my own, but I cant help this nagging feeling that Im missing something. Has anyone gone through something similar? Any advice? I appreciate any help!

I am personally passionate about LGBT activism and trans/intersex rights as well as mental health.

I am personally a trans person who is passionate about ending domestic violence/institutional coercion based on transphobia/homophobia.

where could I talk about this topic? I am a trans person and LGBT ally with almost no connection to support only online help.

Hi again! If you read my account’s post history, I came out as a gay man only to eventually identify as straight. I’ve also divulged on the fact that I identified as transgender for most of my adult life.

Truthfully, I’ve been struggling with my gender and sexuality for years on end at this point. It has gotten to the point that I get severe anxiety over the mere possibility that I might start identifying as a different gender/sexuality, and it has gotten so bad that I feel like it is negatively impacting my life right now. I don’t know if it is internalized queerphobia or something else, but I would love some help processing it if possible.

A bit about me, I’ve had thoughts about being the opposite gender since 1st grade, but I didn’t realize that being trans was a thing until I became a teenager. It didn’t help that I was raised in a conservative religious household, so I quickly picked up on the fact that my parents didn’t like the LGBTQIA+ community. I was thankfully able to move out of the house at the ripe age of 19, and started transitioning a year later. Unfortunately, circumstances happened that led me to detransition and ever since then I couldn’t maintain an identity for very long. So long that I am extremely exhausted at this point.

For the longest time I wanted to be a woman. Women are really beautiful and amazing and frankly very much inspiring to me. I felt closer to womanhood than I ever did as a man. I wanted to wear all the beautiful dresses and hang out with other women and fight for women’s rights. The only problem is that every single time I tried identifying as a woman I felt like an imposter. That I was invading women’s spaces while dressing up as one. I felt like I couldn’t be a woman because if I were one I wouldn’t be struggling so much to keep identifying as one and would actually start living. But none of that happened, and instead I started speculating if I was actually a gay man or not.

But you see, these thoughts just won’t go away. I will just be minding my own business and then out of the blue I will start thinking about how lovely it would be if I were a woman. That I could finally be free to wear the clothes that I always wanted to wear and look good in them. That I could share the experience of womanhood with my sisters against the cruel world that oppressed us. That I could find love as my true self and embrace all that is good and holy in life and love it. Unfortunately, that is when I remember that I am not a woman, I’m a man who is in a cycle of confusion and agony over something so trivial as gender, and that there is no way that the world will accept me as a woman no matter how hard I try.

Does any of that resonate with you? Does what I just said suggest that I am actually a trans woman with an extreme case of internalized transphobia? Or am I correct in thinking that I am actually just an insecure man who just doesn’t want to admit it? What do you think?

My understanding is that a panromantic demiromantic person experiences romantic attraction to people of any gender, but only after forming a deep, meaningful emotional connection first. Now I'm a bit different because for some people that is true; after maybe a year of being friends, all of a sudden I've got feelings for many of them.

The part that makes me question if I'm not exactly demisexual is that I can go on dates and can feel romantic attraction to some people a lot faster as well, but I suppose I can't feel any romantic attraction before a first or second date, so am I still within the definition of demisexual?

I have two characters to ask about, so I'll start with the shorter question first.

Is it offensive to give my asexual character no genitalia? I am Aroace, and I based a lot of this character around me, but just because I don't find it offensive doesn't mean it isn't. For context she doesn't have genitalia because she's a somewhat cosmic/God made being with no need to reproduce, so they just didn't give her the parts for it. I also just remember thinking very young I wish I looked like a Ken doll (or if you ever watched Dogma, the angels in that one scene. But less unsettling looking).

The next question is, can I make a tree intersex? This one is more complicated, he's a species of sapient tree people who look humanoid when walking around. Him being intersex doesn't even come up in story, I just think it would be a neat fact about him, but I've come up with two problems.

One: Trees aren't intersex, because intersex describes people who's sex is different from both male and female counterparts, and trees always have both male and female parts, so it can't be outside a binary that doesn't exist for the species.

Two: I don't want him not being human, and being my only intersex character, to be taken literally. As in, I don't want people to think I don't think of intersex people as human. All of my characters in this story either aren't human, or don't look human.

Please tell me if I got any facts wrong!

Thank you!

Bare with me. This is long.

I am an autistic (might be important for context, I don't know) cis female, lesbian. I've been out my entire life and have no shame in who I am. I've fought my battles, and I'm slowly becoming more confident in myself.

I've had few friendships throughout my life, most of them online. Recently, half a year now, I went back to school, pursuing a passion I never had the opportunity to.

This is a new environment for me. New town, new residence, new school, new people. Basically, it's a fresh start. My past friendships have been with queer and/or neurodivergent people, artsy passionate individuals. This course I'm taking is exactly the opposite. The people in this field are serious, mainly white cis straight neurotypical men. But there are two girls in my class. I slowly became friends with them since we are the only girls.

I've never mentioned my sexuality, but we've had political conversations/debates, and most of them are about race, gender and sexuality amongst a few topics.

Today, we really had a big conversation about sexuality. I only voiced my opinion (without mentioning my queerness), and they voiced theirs, as examples: "if i see two gay people kissing, I don't want to see that, it's gross"; "I don't want gay people to get married"; "if my brother was gay and wanted me at his wedding I wouldn't go"

These examples are very few compared to other racist opinions they had (especially one, white straight girl). And in the moment, I couldn't say I was gay. I was nervous. Scared, maybe I don't know. But I asked her (the white straight girl specifically) if she respects gay people, and she said yes.

So now i'm lost. I know we've only known each other for a short time, but when I left today, on the bus ride and at home, I was just crying the entire time. I can't exactly word my feelings, but I guess "hurt" would be the closest.

I don't know what to do. I could slowly distance myself from them with excuses and be alone for the rest of the year (probably), or come out to them and tell them I was hurt by what they said and don't feel comfortable being friends with them anymore, which will result in spending the rest of the year alone as well. Or the last option entirely, I continue faking and being friends with them, satisfied with what we DO have in common.

I don't know... I feel a bit helpless. I've never had real-life friends before, and I'm scared I'm being too radical or emotional.

Need advice. Thank you for reading this long post (the journal factory did not explode. The journal entry of all this is much longer 😀)

EDIT: I realise now this isn't just about sexuality and it's a privileged worry to have since I'm white. I didn't really think this post entirely through (I'm still emotional), but I would still pose the same question in regards to the racist takes they have (although in my priviliged opinion, they were more repeating stereotypes than anything else, which is still harmful and i don't agree with at all)

Sorry. I apologise if my problem seems unfocused on the grander scheme of things. I guess I took stuff more personally when I should've taken everything as a whole as a factor.

So I thought of writing this piece as perhaps many who are "coming out" have issues coming to terms with it, as there is a lot of stigma attached to being gay/bi.

So I have a PhD in Microbiology, which also involves a lot of genetics, and I also took a lot of fringe courses; one of them was "human behaviour ecology". This course was purely hypothetical, as it tried to look at "modern" physical and mental issues and societal behaviour in relation to human evolution. Let me first be clear that we do not, with 100% certainty, know what gives rise to homosexuality/bisexuality. There are a lot of studies claiming to have found physiological differences in the brain, but these are all of poor quality. I have found that the theory lays out the most plausible explanations.

Let me first start off with the genetics. Life forms that live long and reproduce little have compensated for evolutionary pressure by developing a highly complex genetic system that interacts with itself. For example, bacteria can replicate down to record lows every 8 min. Thus, their response to environmental changes significantly increases the chance that one bacterium will acquire a beneficial gene from the surroundings or have the right mutations in its DNA (think antibiotic resistance). Now, a tree can be many hundreds, even thousands, of years old, and a new tree normally can't grow unless an old tree falls. Trees can't move, so they need a repertoire of genes taht can interact with each other for the tree to survive sudden environmental changes. humans are quite the same. We don't "have the time" to evolve in response to sudden environmental changes, and so we have a genetic repertoire. Think of the immune system and how the body, after some time, can fight off almost any type of disease.

Now to the second most advanced part of genetics: A gene is part of the DNA which can be "read," and the ultimate product of a gene is a proten/peptide. But what is the top rate you can get a product from your DNA, and why does it matter?
Think of the bacterium and the antibiotic resistance gene again. The antibiotic resistance product is usually a pump that transports the antibiotic out of the cell as soon as it enters. The higher the dose/more antibiotic the bacterium is exposed to, the more pumps it needs to produce. So it can optimize the trigger factor that reads the gene, and it can start reading the gene <gain before it has completed a first reading. Still, there is ultimately a limit, and the bacterium will lose the gene unless it has copies of it in its DNA!

Now, let us look at humans. What defines our brain and certain behaviour, in this case homosexuality, may be a complex interaction between hormones during the development of a person. As I mentioned, hormone levels depend on how often a gene is triggered and read. In addition, at the time of conception, DNA is modified by adding methyl and acetyl groups, affecting gene activation. This is called epigenetics, and it explains why twins, even with identical DNA, can differ (e.g., one can be gay and the other straight). The number of copies and regulation of how many times it is read (expressed) may explain why there is a "gradient" of homosexuality. Some people are outright straight/gay, and then you have so many "degrees /variation of them, and bisexuality".

So, how does this fit in from an evolutionary point of view? All genes that survive have done so because they have benefitted the organism (survival of the fittest), but being gey/bi may not result in offspring and is thus a paradox/contradiction. However, animals face two types of stress/competition: external (between species) and internal (between individuals of your own species). Then you have an extra layer of internal competition: social groups. Infighting in a group can be devastating, and cooperation greatly benefits the group's success and the survival of all its members. We need look no further than the closest living relative to humans: the Bonobo (dwarf chimpanzee). Before they eat, they have same-sex intercourse, which reduces sexual tension (the biggest source of tension), and they are then relaxed and do not fight over the food. So, from an evolutionary point of view, homosexuality/bisecuality is possible, as it was a great factor for the success rate of a group. Pure homosexuality can maybe be explained by the fact that these individuals greatly contributed to the group in other ways, such as a high focus on hunting/gathering and care.

Being gay is not a choice, and may actually be an evolutionary benefit!

Today I was discussing with a friend about if liking someone of the same gender is always going to make you gay

Where both boys so I'm going to use this example: There's a transman but that has the feminine reproductive organs, he says that if he likes this man he is not homosexual because he's sex is a female, but I say it would make you homosexual because they're both of the same gender

so being homosexual refers to the gender, the sex or both?

(btw we both don't know much about this community and if I said something that is offensive to you I'm so sorry and let me know about it)

I am a male and I’m still trying to figure out my sexuality. Most of the time, I find myself falling in love with boys, but every once in a while, I’ll develop feelings for a girl, too, which makes me question where I fit. I’m still learning about myself, and I don’t feel like I need to have everything figured out right now. I know that attraction can be complicated, and I want to give myself time to understand my feelings without putting a label on them too quickly. I also have my own preferences when it comes to dating, and I don’t see myself dating someone who is transgender due to some trauma, not that I have anything against transgenders! I just want to be honest with myself about how I feel and what I’m comfortable with and I feel like some reassurance would help!

Some friends of mine from uni have invited me to a gay bar for Halloween, and it got me wondering about the general etiquette around straight people going to gay bars.

I definitely consider myself an ally of the LGBTQ+ community, and I have many friends who are part of it. I am always interested in learning more about such a vibrant community, and I'm more than happy to go along with my friends, but I appreciate that gay bars can be important spaces for LGBTQ+ people, so I was curious about people's perspectives on this.

Perso j’en parle parfois avec ma mère et elle arrête pas de dire que c’est dur a comprendre,qu’elle n’a pas envie de si intéresser et elle fait jamais l’effort de dire correctement lgbtqia+,elle dit « lbgtqaie+ » pour la blague même si c’est pas drole et que ça la rend bête je trouve.mon père refuse d’en parler donc la question est faite a repondre

Hello!

There's not much more to say around the question, since it's in the title, other than why I'm asking it I guess.

I am agender (he/they) and aroace. Still got a long way to go on self-acceptance and that segues nicely into why the question is being asked. I am very uneducated about the community due to neither primary or secondary school teaching me about LGBTQ+. If you're interested in more details I made a post a few days ago that has more info on it.

So, to reiterate. What's something you wish someone uneducated about the LGBTQ+ community knew?

I'm a young guy living in the US as an international student, and I'm still learning about American culture. I come from a country where being gay is considered really wrong, and most people are quite conservative. Despite that, I was in a relationship with my boyfriend for two years. After I moved to the US, we tried to make long distance work, but eventually, it became too difficult, and we broke up.
After that, I met this guy who's around my age, a white American. We got along really well from the beginning. We had a lot of classes together, and eventually, we became lab partners, project partners, and spent a lot of time together in person. Initially, most of our conversations were about academics, but over time, we started talking about our personal lives, too. We would text each other throughout the day and even late into the night. He would send me Snapchats around midnight, and even when he was out drinking or hanging out with his boys, he would still text me. He was consistently there for me, and sometimes, he would give me what I felt were romantic hints.
Initially, I thought I was just being delusional and reading too much into his behavior. I've had other straight guy friends with whom I've had completely platonic relationships, so I know what ordinary friendship looks like. I've also briefly dated a fair share of American guys, so I'm not entirely unfamiliar with the dating culture here. But this guy felt different. It wasn't necessarily sexual, but there was something about the way he interacted with me that felt almost romantic. He would literally send me flirty and sometimes pretty suggestive Snaps at around 2 AM, even when he was out with his boys. In person, he would also make an effort to spend time with me, and our connection felt different from my other friendships. That's what made the whole situation confusing for me. I kept telling myself I was probably being delusional, but his behavior felt peculiar compared to my other friendships.
For some additional context, he dated a girl back in high school, but that was about seven years ago, and he hasn't been in a relationship since. He's tall, muscular, attractive, and incredibly charming, and practically every girl in our class seems to have a crush on him. He's also tried dating apps, but he told me he never really liked anyone he met on them. I don't want to make assumptions about his sexuality based on his dating history, but given his behavior toward me and the fact that he hasn't had a relationship in years despite having plenty of people interested in him, I couldn't help but wonder whether there was something more to the situation than I initially understood.
At some point, I developed feelings for him. I started getting jealous when he talked to other girls or went on dates. I went on dates too, and we would often share our dating experiences with each other. But something that confused me was that he never seemed to like any of the people I dated. He would always say things like, "You can do better" or "You deserve someone better than them." He didn't seem to like it when I praised the people I was dating or spoke positively about them. All of this gave me mixed signals.
Whenever I didn't reply to his messages, he would double-text or even triple-text me. But there were also times when he would suddenly go cold, disappear for a while, and then come back and text me as if nothing had happened. I felt like he was leading me on, although I couldn't be completely sure what his intentions were.
Eventually, I started thinking that maybe there was a possibility of us dating, so I decided to tell him how I felt. That's when he told me, "Hey, look, I'm straight. I like being friends with you, but I can't offer you anything more than that."
I was completely shocked. I hadn't expected that response, so I started avoiding him, including in class. But he would deliberately try to sit next to me and continue being really nice to me. I felt like he might have felt guilty about rejecting me, although I couldn't know for sure. Eventually, we started talking again.
However, I realized that staying close to him was making it difficult for me to process the rejection. So I eventually told him that I needed us to stop talking for a while because I was still processing my feelings, and being around him wasn't helping me move on.
He reiterated that he was straight and wasn't looking for anything serious. He still wanted to hang out with me and maintain our friendship, but he wasn't interested in a relationship with me.
But here's what I'm struggling with: How do I maintain a friendship with a straight guy I'm emotionally attached to without falling for him all over again?
In my experience, relationships often begin with friendship. You get to know someone, spend time together, develop emotional intimacy, and eventually, those feelings can turn into something romantic. That's how I always imagined relationships developing. So it's difficult for me to understand how someone can be so emotionally close to me and still see me as nothing more than a friend. I also have best friends but this is different.
I've completely stopped talking to him for now. I'm not replying to his messages because I know that every time we interact, a small part of me starts hoping that maybe things could be different someday. I don't want to keep putting myself through that emotional roller coaster.
The truth is, I've genuinely fallen for him, and even now, I'm struggling to move on. I still care about him deeply, but I also know that staying close to him is hurting me.
I just want to understand how to process these feelings, accept the rejection, and eventually move on without constantly wondering what could have been.

I just saw a gay man stating hes not attracted to women.

And he kept on desribing her and saying she had the most prettiest dress, long hair, make up YET it didnt turn him on.

what if ppl are really attracted to the gender performance of someone cuz im pretty sure he would feel the same way w a VERY feminine man.

Imagine a man, just like that womans aesthetic, mannerism, outfit…he prolly wouldnt be turned on aswell.

So i wonder is sexual orientation PARTLY a social construct based on which social gender we are drawn to (masc/femininity)?

And i mean there has to be a reason why even in queer community (butch/femme) vs (masc/femboy) are so prominent** **