They think therefore they arrrrrr.

"Where are you headed?" he asks.

"Down to give blood. They pay $20 a pint."

"Huh. I'm going up to donate sperm. They pay $100 a tablespoon."

She gets a strange look on her face and gets off at the next floor without a word.

The next day they meet in the elevator again.

"Where are you off to today?" he asks.

She answers with her mouth full: "Fmerm mank."

Yesterday evening after a couple of drinks Imessaged my mate early last night which involved a typo “don’t forget The Cocks go back tomorrow”

His reply? “I didn’t know you rented yours”

Help

The man tells the theater employee "There are so many options here, I don't know what to pick!".

The employee nods agreeingly.

The man asks: "what would you recommend?"

"You Can See Everything"

"I know, that's my issue!"

A village in Belarus. It had been a tough year. The crops had failed, and winter was coming. In the barn, the animals were talking.

“I think it’s time to get out of here,” said the horse. “We have to leave. We’ll starve if we stay.”

“Absolutely,” said the pig. “Let’s escape to the West. At least we’ll have something to eat there.”

“I’m not going anywhere,” said the old dog, tied up outside the barn.

“Are you sure?” The other animals turned to him in disbelief. “You’ll die here if you don’t leave with us!”

“Nah, I’ve got great prospects here,” said the dog.

“What prospects, you old fool? They’ll eat you alive here! Come with us!”

“No, no. I’m staying.. Greaaaat prospects..”

“Why? What do you know that we don’t?”

“Well, last night I overheard the farmer telling his wife that things were so bad around here, we might soon have to suck the dog’s dick just to survive.”

His salad plate,coffee mug and main course plate are all dirty. Some small bits here and there. Each time he brought it the waitress attention.
“That’s the best cold water can do.”
He thinks they have a water tank issue. It’s the weekend. No plumbers out here.

As he pays his check ; he hears a callout
“Cold water ! Come here boy!”
And a small dog appears

When I drove past a petrol station and I saw a sheep standing by the pumps.

I kept driving and everytime I drove past a petrol station I noticed there were more and more sheep.

I finally pulled into one and approached the sheep, asking them what they're doing.

One sheep replied, "We're being fleeced at the pump".

He asks what’s happening, and they explain that she’s an adulteress and that the penalty for adultery is to be stoned to death.

“Is that so?”, he replies. “In that case, whoever among you is free from sin, let them cast the first stone”. A woman at the back of the mob promptly throws a rock square at the head of the adulteress, killing her instantly.

Jesus looks over at the woman who threw the stone and shakes his head sadly. “Mum, sometimes you really piss me off.”

They always have Mor-Men than they should!

My bussy's tingling

We've only just begun.

“This is Alexa.”

Your friend always parks for free, doesn't buy their own food and never pays rent.

Dozen tit

The friend said, "why don't you just give him head and shoulders? The blonde said, "how do I give shoulders?"

On his first day, he walked onto the set, chugged a bottle of whiskey, punched an extra in the face, and then asked the director when they were going to start filming.

What classic Italian dish is a favorite of Halloween spooks, spectres, and spirits?

Chickened Afraido

She leaned closer and whispered, “They’re right behind you.”

"But there's no way I'm gonna let some drunken weirdo tell ME what to do!"