He said you have to recognize that it has its ups and downs, and you just have to be ready when that door opens.

Two sisters from the mid-west were on a road trip across the U.S.

As they were tooling across East Texas they began seeing signs for a town called Nacogdoches.

This prompted some heated discussion between the sisters about how the name of the town should be pronounced. One sister was of the opinion that the g was silent and the c h e s part was prounounced like the word cheese. The other, that the gd combination resulted in a soft j sound and the c h e s part was prounounced shay.

Each time they passed a new sign naming the town of Nacogdoches the discussion would begin again.

Finally they arrived in the town itself. The one sister said to the other “Let’s stop in that little restaurant there and get lunch. We’ll ask a local how they pronounce their town’s name and settle this once and for all!”

So the ladies park and enter the establishment. They walk up to the counter and order their lunch, and as she pays the clerk the first sister asks “Could you please say the name of this place for us? We’ve been seeing the signs and arguing about the pronunciation of it for an hour now. If you could just say the name of this place out loud, that would be ever so helpful!”

The clerk looks from one lady to the other, shrugs and says, very slowly and clearly “Burrr … gerrrr … King.”

A man walks into a bar and tells the bartender, “Give me a double shot of whiskey NOW” even before he reaches the bar stool.

“Everything OK?” the bartender asks the patron while preparing his drink.

“Jesus! No,” says the patron. “I just found out my brother is gay and that he’s been secretly in love with my best friend for over 5 years!”

“Oh man,” the tender says, “that’s messed up. So sorry about that.”

A few days later, the same man enters the bar again, even more flustered than before. “Give me a double of what I had last time.” So the bartender places 2 glasses in front of him, each with 2 shots of whiskey.

”Man, you OK?” The bartender asks again. “Looks like you’re having a rough week!” he adds.

“Oh, God! If you only knew,” replied the patron. “My nineteen year old son just came out as gay and he stole his sister’s boyfriend from right under her nose! The house is in complete turmoil.”

During the weekend, the same patron entered and told the barman, “Man just bring the whole bottle of whiskey and a glass.”

Shaking his head in disbelief, the tender asks, “Doesn't anyone in your family prefer women?”

Downing a glass and then another, the patron looks at the barman and says, “Yes. Apparently my wife does!”

One day John, a native New Yorker, went into the Bunny Ranch in Nevada. He was greeted by a stunning hostess who politely asked how they could be of service.

John, with his New York accent says: “I would like to see Olivia.”

The hostess replies: “Ok, she is just finishing up and will be with you momentarily.”

Olivia comes out and leads John into the back where she immediately gets right to business. Olivia says, “It's $500 for a half hour and $5000 for the night.” John hands her $5000 and has the best night he's ever had!

The next day, John comes back, at the same time and asks the same hostess to see Olivia again. This time, Olivia was on standby and ready. Olivia asks him if he wants the same as the night before. John nods, hands Olivia $5000 and away they go.

The third day, John is back. The hostess says: “Let me guess, you’re here to see Olivia?” Jimmy replies, “Yes ma'am!” The hostess directs him down the hall to a back room.

Olivia, now warming up to John, starts a little small talk with him. She asks John: “Where are you from? John proudly says: “Queens, New York!” Olivia’s expression turns to curiosity as she says: “So am I! What neighborhood do you live in? !” Jim replies: “Sunnyside.” Startled, Olivia says “My parents live in Sunnyside!” John says: “I know. They live next door to me. I told them I was coming here for vacation and they asked me to bring you a 15 grand "care package!”

Scotty: i, Captain.

A village in Belarus. It had been a tough year. The crops had failed, and winter was coming. In the barn, the animals were talking.

“I think it’s time to get out of here,” said the horse. “We have to leave. We’ll starve if we stay.”

“Absolutely,” said the pig. “Let’s escape to the West. At least we’ll have something to eat there.”

“I’m not going anywhere,” said the old dog, tied up outside the barn.

“Are you sure?” The other animals turned to him in disbelief. “You’ll die here if you don’t leave with us!”

“Nah, I’ve got great prospects here,” said the dog.

“What prospects, you old fool? They’ll eat you alive here! Come with us!”

“No, no. I’m staying.. Greaaaat prospects..”

“Why? What do you know that we don’t?”

“Well, last night I overheard the farmer telling his wife that things were so bad around here, we might soon have to suck the dog’s dick just to survive.”

He asks what’s happening, and they explain that she’s an adulteress and that the penalty for adultery is to be stoned to death.

“Is that so?”, he replies. “In that case, whoever among you is free from sin, let them cast the first stone”. A woman at the back of the mob promptly throws a rock square at the head of the adulteress, killing her instantly.

Jesus looks over at the woman who threw the stone and shakes his head sadly. “Mum, sometimes you really piss me off.”

The man tells the theater employee: "There are so many options here, I don't know what to pick!"

The employee nods agreeingly.

The man asks: "what would you recommend?"

"You Can See Everything"

"I know, that's my issue!"

Dozen tit

Your friend always parks for free, doesn't buy their own food and never pays rent.

The friend said, "why don't you just give him head and shoulders? The blonde said, "how do I give shoulders?"

They think therefore they arrrrrr.

His salad plate,coffee mug and main course plate are all dirty. Some small bits here and there. Each time he brought it the waitress attention.
“That’s the best cold water can do.”
He thinks they have a water tank issue. It’s the weekend. No plumbers out here.

As he pays his check ; he hears a callout
“Cold water ! Come here boy!”
And a small dog appears

“This is Alexa.”

We've only just begun.

What classic Italian dish is a favorite of Halloween spooks, spectres, and spirits?

Chickened Afraido

She leaned closer and whispered, “They’re right behind you.”

"But there's no way I'm gonna let some drunken weirdo tell ME what to do!"

On his first day, he walked onto the set, chugged a bottle of whiskey, punched an extra in the face, and then asked the director when they were going to start filming.

My bussy's tingling

They always have Mor-Men than they should!

Yesterday evening after a couple of drinks Imessaged my mate early last night which involved a typo “don’t forget The Cocks go back tomorrow”

His reply? “I didn’t know you rented yours”

Help