Hi, I’m 22F and I feel so awful for these thoughts in having. I know it’s wrong and i might get bad karma for even thinking about, let alone wishing for something like this… But I really want my father to pass.

He has been showing signs of diabetes. He was never a father to me or my little sisters. He married my mum by tricking her and trapping her using coercive control and taking advantage of her poor family background. Essentially, he’s a deeply troubled narcissistic person, and part of many cults. He never showed my mum or us any love and basically used her to have kids so he can show the world he is normal. But we think he must be gay because he made my mum promise they won’t have a normal sexual life etc. He got her pregnant right after marriage twice so that she was stuck with kids and couldn’t leave. He is a very bad person. I don’t want to get into it.

Anyways, we suspect he has diabetes. But he refuses to go to a normal doctor and only sees Ayurvedic or naturopath doctors. Am I a bad person for wishing he passes away ? Diabetes left untreated is dangerous. He refused to get treatment and if he passed away my family will finally be free from his coercive control and years of trauma. We can begin healing. But my family tells me not to wish death upon him. They tell me I shouldn’t think this. I know it’s bad, but I can’t help feeling happy when I think of this.

Ive got so much to do so many asigments AS If that isnt enough already with all the exams coming Up the teachers are horrid too they keep saying stuff To "motivate US" wich Just ends Up saying that We all suck the Last few years it all Starts to Break apart my mental health i have multiple Things i need to get done at this Point i dont even have time for myself anymore ITS all Just the Same cycle the teachers have such high expectancy ITS wild i Just want to get my degree so i can study there making my life a living hell Theres this one teacher teaching durch she IS also my class teacher shes the worsed geniunly quit remarking everything Last day she started shouting at me for looking away from her i know my Grade for answering questions aint good and No i di Not want to fill Something Out that dosnt have anything to di with what shes teaching and then she gets Mad ober the tinies stuff there Not even someine you can Go to there all Just under one blanked i once tried telling IT another teacher wich didnt Work Out Well since they we're against me in the end IT gets Harder and Harder to even stay calm in class ITS getting to a Point where i cant even sit straight for an hour, i flunked the First Exam and the Fürst Thing this teacher does Is annoy me about it i dont care fit her opinion but without allat i cant study ITS horible the German system IS absoloutly fucked in dutch she Always tells US how horrid WE are and that WE should be more Like the Girls with her fucked Up weird Smile i Wish she would lose her Job.

regretful

if any one is reading this i just wanted to rant so writing might not be so coherent . i am not a person who likes to talk about or even most of the time acknowledge my mental health issues i dont know if its right or wrong its just the way i cope . for context i am a college student and at my last year of college before graduation tho i have had like some panic inducing moments about what i am doing with my life if i will get a job etc , right now i have a bit of a break from my college so i am trying to relax focus on studying or other hobbies of mine . recently specially after the K/DA song "firestarter" dropped i got back into my wattpad , ao3 era or just reading manga or webtoon like i was in 2020 and it made me realize how happy it made me feel . its been over 4 years since i have felt so happy or just felt anything in general , usually i am mostly empty and in machine mode just going through everyday life trying to survive but after listening to the song it reminded me of 2020 tho it was one of my lowest points mental healthwise in my life yet i remembered how much i used to just read manga ,read stories and enjoy myself without needing any other sounds like youtube video playing in the background or stuff to make me feel focus and present at a task and then it dawned on me how this will probably be the last year where i genuinely get to enjoy these things just sit there and be free coz i will probably just get busy with job and life after graduation and it made me feel empty i have been avoiding these things for so long because i was stressed with different things in life i didn't realize i haven't felt any emotion for so long things have been getting harder lately usually i used to cry maybe once a week or so listening to sad song to regulate my feelings but i cant stop anymore recently had a really bad panic attack thinking about this . i never had much motivation in my life for anything i do stuff coz i have to ,i work coz that what i should do i exist not because i want to be or am particularly thrilled about it i just don't have a good enough reason not to . i know i just probably seek mental help specially for my adhd but i just don't have the means right now and seeking mental health is not seen very favorably in my household so i don't know what to do except for rant , maybe it will clear some feelings idk .

Why do i feel sad....nothing really happened but i feel really sad.. a bit lonely and empty....I'm just exhausted of life but i don't know what's causing that feeling....how do i get over this feelings