I am a 25-year-old Gen Z guy, and something I’ve noticed over the past several years is how difficult it can be to maintain genuine, dependable friendships, especially during and after college.
I’ve had several friendships fall apart, and it’s made me question how people in our generation approach loyalty, honesty, communication, accountability, and maintaining long-term friendships. And it annoys me because I’ll see people on media posting that they are going out and having fun and/or traveling with each other. And anytime I try to do that with people they either already have plans with other friends, don’t wanna spend the money to travel, etc. It irks me that some people have their friends and do everything with them and then with me when I try to do the same it never works because so many people seem to not know how to be a friend.
Here are some examples of what I’ve experienced:
**Dishonesty and hypocrisy:** One of my former college roommates constantly complained about our other roommates, criticized their behavior, and claimed he couldn’t stand them. We were close throughout college, but after graduation, he became distant, stopped reaching out, and repeatedly made excuses not to hang out. When I eventually asked what was wrong, he blocked me. Ironically, I later discovered he had reconnected with the same roommates he used to criticize and was suddenly calling them great friends. He was also the type where if you make a mistake, he can be mad at you all he wants. But if he made a mistake and you were upset with him, then I was the “bad guy.”
**Selfishness and double standards:** Another college roommate was extremely messy, rarely helped clean, frequently canceled plans, and expected everyone else to accommodate him. He constantly claimed he couldn’t afford things while spending money on video games and car parts. What frustrated me was that his behavior seemed acceptable, while my mistakes were repeatedly held against me.
**Disloyalty and judgment:** Another longtime friend made plenty of mistakes himself, including getting drunk, embarrassing me, and disrupting plans. I overlooked these things because I valued our friendship. However, he seemed much less forgiving of my mistakes. He also complained about our roommates, dropped out of college, and broke our apartment lease, leaving us with a random roommate. Despite previously criticizing everyone, he eventually reconnected with those same people and acted like they were his closest friends.
**Controlling friendships:** I also had a college friend who constantly guilt-tripped me for spending time with other people or prioritizing things like homework, exercising, or having time to myself. He frequently insisted on having serious “talks” that usually involved criticizing my decisions and making me feel guilty. The friendship lasted about a year.
**Growing apart and one-sided communication:** This one probably hurt the most. I had a friend I’d known since 2016 who gradually became distant and seemed more invested in newer friendships. Eventually, he told me that my attempts to maintain our friendship were overwhelming, that I’d crossed boundaries, and that we weren’t as close as we were in high school. He felt I was resisting the fact that we’d grown apart. I recognize that I didn’t handle everything perfectly, but losing a friendship that had lasted a decade was painful.
I’m not claiming to be a perfect friend. I’ve made mistakes, sometimes been too persistent about keeping in touch, and probably handled certain situations poorly. I also understand that people grow apart, develop different priorities, and have the right to establish boundaries. However, what bothers me is how disposable friendships sometimes seem. And how others seem to be having the times of their lives with friends all over social media and when I try to do the same thing it never works out. People can call you their best friend, spend years making memories with you, and then suddenly stop communicating or act like the friendship never mattered.
I’ve also noticed what feels like a lack of accountability. Some people expect endless patience and understanding for their own mistakes but have very little tolerance for anyone else’s.
I don’t expect friends to text every day, constantly hang out, or remain as close as they were in high school or college. I just value honesty, consistency, mutual respect, loyalty, and communication.
For men in their 20s, 30s, and older, I’m interested in hearing your perspectives on a few broader questions: How have your expectations of loyalty and communication in male friendships changed as you’ve gotten older? What differences, if any, do you notice between Gen Z friendships and friendships among older generations? Why do some male friendships seem to fade after high school or college, even when people were once extremely close? What separates a genuinely dependable friendship from one that’s mostly based on convenience or shared circumstances? I’m particularly interested in hearing from older men about whether these problems are unique to younger generations or simply part of growing up and entering adulthood. And is what I see with people always hanging out and traveling with friends a prime example of how “fake” social media is?