My ex (40M) is and I (32F) dated for about 9 months. It was serious. He flew across the world to meet my family. We had lunch every Sunday with his mom. I met all his friends.

We were exclusive, talked about having kids and moving in together, and, a month before dumping me, he called ours the healthiest relationship of his LIFE.

I've never been more in love. He's the most brilliant, attractive, sartorial, socially connected, rule breaking entrepreneur, I've ever met.

Things unraveled in our final month.

2 months into dating, he was late for drinks after attending a gallery opening with Catherine, a former lover. Though they hadn't slept together in months, she'd assumed they were still casually dating and cried when he mentioned me.

He clarified to her that he wanted me to be just friends. He admired her intellectually and wanted to preserve the friendship, as he did with many former lovers he considered family. I trusted him and believed his interest was purely platonic.

Fast-forward to month 7: Catherine invited him to a small, multi-day art residency that August. He told me he was going, not asking how i felt about it. I bit my tongue. But grew anxious.

After sitting with my discomfort for weeks, I finally brought it up. Could we find some middle ground -- maybe hang out all together?

He grew defensive, said he didn't believe in 'prioritizing romantic partners over other relationships', doubling down on how his friends are like family, and complained that our 20-minute conversation was eating into his workday. When I came back from the bathroom, he kissed me and said sorry for getting upset.

**The very next night, our second-to-last before three weeks apart,** he went to a performance with Catherine without telling me. Later, he texted inviting me to join him and friends at a bar. I only then learned he'd been with her and sent some pretty reactive texts....His response? “Why? But honestly, don’t feel like going on defensive right now.”

Other incidents had been accumulating:

**1.** After a tense convo about his doubts around long term monogamy, I took an extra 30-minute walk while fetching drinks for his project. I returned before anyone arrived, but he accused me of "sabotaging" his work. I hadn't communicated that I needed space.

**2.** I biked slower than him, causing us to arrive ONE MINUTE late to class. We were turned away, and he blamed me for interfering with his productivity. When i asked for reassurance during his sulky mood asking if he 'still saw a future with me' like he assured me a month ago, he shrugged and said 'sometimes'. That stung. I left him there, and he called and said sorry.

**3.** A month before we split, I met some of his fashion-world friends in LA. I felt out of place at a party while he mingled independently. The next day, he said I'd “brought the energy down.” I admitted I'd felt unclaimed; he said he wanted us to move through these spaces as a cool, creative unit. I apologized. At the breakup, he cited my alleged “social rejection” by some of those friends as a reason we weren't compatible.

I never demanded that he abandon his friendships NOR tried to control him.

But I recognize that my insecurity was probably palpable, even when unspoken. I wasn't always my relaxed, confident self, and perhaps he felt he couldn't simply exist without triggering my anxiety.

When he ended things with me (over the phone) he cited my insecurity, "possessive energy" around other women, and doubts about our long term incompatibility.

MOST INSULTING: He then suggested we remain 'lovers' because he didn't want to lose me....

For the past 3 months since the breakup, I've wondered whether a securely attached woman would have trusted him more, accepted his autonomy, and avoided creating so much emotional tension. Whether I sabotaged an otherwise extraordinary relationship.

Did I ruin it? did I lose the best man i'll ever have? that's what it feels like.

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I've been isolated sm in my life. I try to make an actual connection, but its so hard. I'm in uni, and its as if everyone has their own people. The reason I'm writing under this post is cuz I wanna know how u guys do it and actually make friends? I try to connect and I feel so iced out. And how do people msg each other. I've tried to msg severalll people, but they're all so dry. I try follow up qs, or random stuff, but absolutely nothing. the thing I wanna make meaningful connections with girls, but why is it so much harder to talk and connect w them, like genuinely feels like its so easy to make male friends rather than girls. Can someone genuinely explain what I need to do? How I should connect w people?

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For 10 yrs I've been feeling low in life to a point even my personality has changed. Majority of people say become strong and get your life together. Stop being soft and slow. And I don't know why I let such things like failure, shame,fears and social anxiety keep me stagnant.

Deep down I know nothing will change unless I make the changes. Whether it's toughning out , making the hard choices and simply being determined and consistent with it. But I still don't understand what is holding me back. What is the road block. Is it my old pattern and routine. Is it lack of self belief and confidence. Am I avoiding hard work and failures. Am I avoiding stress that comes.

I am struggling with self esteem. I wonder if there are ways of becoming more confident when I loath myself easily and I think people find me weird. I always think that people see me in a negative way because of what I said or this and that. And it is not helping that I failed to make friends. So...is there anything I can do about this...? I often think that in order to not live with this feeling , it is better to not seek human connection and to be utterly silent. Because showing opinions and such makes people have more access to things to judge you for and hence to protect myself from such judgement I always find being quiet is the best policy.