I’ve been taking that bus for a couple months 2-4x a week. 20-30min bus ride, both of us sit as far to the back as possible. I started noticing how attractive he was a few weeks ago. Have a handful of reasons why I didn’t want to talk to him on the bus or even send signals I was interested before doing this. Idek if he noticed me as anything significant before then.
I’m a 30F full-time student who’s constantly busy and drained, so I don’t have much time or energy to meet new people. I at the very least, want to get laid. Maybe get some cuddles. Maybe intimacy if the connection was there. I was curious about the guy and I wanted to know if that might be mutual, if not, I’d lose interest. I saw an opportunity and took it.
So I thought up a plan to minimize his discomfort, wrote a note, and consulted with too many men who said they’d be flattered and that my note and plan were solid.
“Beard Man,
I like the way you carry yourself, and damn you are cute.
I’d love to make awkward small talk when it’s not 7:30am on a crowded bus.
[My phone number]
I can also self-induce amnesia. No pressure.”
On Friday I handed it to him when I thought he was just about to get off the bus. He wasn’t, and then the bus started idling. Without hesitation or reaction, he unfolded the paper. I tried to warn him.
I had to sit directly facing him while I watched him read my vulnerable-ass childish note without a single reaction. He didn’t look like he appreciated it at all. Maybe bored, annoyed, uncomfortable. Also 2 women nearby witnessed all of this, one of whom read my f’n note as well. He finished reading and just gave me a quick expressionless nod. We sat there for the next 4 minutes avoiding looking at each other. His eyes flickered to me a couple times. I uncontrollably winced and grinned/shook my head at myself a couple times.
One of the most excruciatingly vulnerable moments of my life. I felt like a small timid naive child who had no business trying to connect with a full-grown stone cold rugged man.
Finally at his stop, we look at each other and he gives me a polite smile which I return. It quite frankly, to me, felt like pity. The lack of reaction to a part of my vulnerability AND a little piece of my personality really hit a childhood wound. I had anticipated any reaction—just not a lack of one. I knew any part of my plan could fail, but not pretty much every single part of the execution.
My plan got all screwed up. I put him on the spot. I put him in a position where his comfortable morning commute is now tainted by this shared knowledge and experience. He might feel unsafe. He might feel suffocated, pissed off at me, like I’ve put this burden on him. I put him in a shitty spot because I wanted to get laid and maybe have a connection. I have worked through so much guilt over the weekend, and I think I’m over most of it now.
What’s left is all of the shame, which these next thoughts reflect, and not necessarily my logical beliefs, but I'm still struggling with them:
How could I have thought this was a good idea? Before he may have just knew me as a face, but now he might know I’m a creepy socially inept idiot who would willingly make him uncomfortable because I was desperate enough to connect with a complete stranger. I’m a 30 year old woman acting like an absolute short-sighted child, passing notes on the bus.
Now I’m trying to decide if it’s even worth it to keep taking that bus, like he knows some horrible things about me. Like he, a complete stranger, has seen one of the most vulnerable wounded pieces of me and has this knowledge that I’m deeply sick, or something. Every time I have to ride the bus, I can’t go full incognito and pretend I’m a fully functioning intelligent and mature woman. He’s seen parts of me that I feel are really stupid and ugly. That knowledge exists between us now. Maybe he'll come up with all kinds of terrible conclusions about my character, true or not.
I know I can’t know what he really thinks about me now. But I had to watch his ambiguous not-impressed reaction, and that ambiguity is a gap I’ve always learned to fill with shame to protect myself.
I don’t care that he’s not interested. I care that I did something stupid and made myself vulnerable, and didn’t fully consider the potential consequences. I shat where we both eat. I pissed all over his comfortable morning commute. That was so incredibly dumb.