So 2.5 weeks ago after a family holiday, my (38m) wife (38F) sat me down and told me she’s ’not sure she’s in love with me anymore’…I was obviously shocked and insisted I’m still very much in love with her. We have been together for 20 years, married 14years and have 3 kids together.
For the next 4 days I kept initiating conversations, asking for clarity & trying to convince her that this should be the first conversation, not the last, and I’m willing to do anything to fix things (counselling, time&space, a strategy to repair things) but at the same time I was dealing with the fact that you can’t make someone fall back in love with you. Over those 4 days her language became stronger, from ‘I’m not sure I’m in love with you > I don’t love you anymore > I’m not sure we can fix it > it’s broken and I don’t want to fix it. She was fucking awful on the holiday; avoidant, distance, moody and quite frankly ruined the trip for me, the kids and her parents who joined us (my in-laws and my oldest kid noticed and thought someone had done or said something to upset her and I reasoned with them that she’s probably stressed and not comfortable being away from home) however, right up until the holiday she had been perfectly normal; affectionate, intimate, loving and we sent each other loving and/or humorous messages several times a day while at work.
Several (maybe 6 or so times) during these discussions I asked her point blank if there was anyone else, is she sure she’s not even considering another person and each time she said ‘no absolutely not, there’s no one else and there never has been’ and each time sounded more and more annoyed that I had the audacity to ask that question. After 4 sleepless days, sick days off work (she slept like a baby, and went to work/hung out with her friends) and stewing about how little sense everything made/timeline didn’t add up/her behaviour didn’t add up, I decided at 2am I had to investigate and immediately found evidence of an affair and proof of who it was (28m coworker). I confronted her immediately and she didn’t deny it, told me they love each other and plan to start a life together/get married in the future once the dust settles. So I’ve been dealing with that for the last 2 weeks.
As for his situation, he’s married (about 3years) and his wife is 6 months pregnant with their first child (the affair has been going on almost exactly the same length as the pregnancy). My wife told me that he planned to tell his wife last Tuesday. Our conversations are purely transactional at this point (kids, logistics) but on Wednesday night I asked her if he had told his wife. She said ‘I assume so, cuz he’s staying at his parents place tonight’, which is such an odd response given that my wife and this man work together every day and are constantly calling and texting, so how the hell would she not know exactly details. Anyway, a couple of days later I asked ‘so did he tell her the full story, or the watered down version that I was told?’. My wife said that yes he’d only told her that he’s not in love with her anymore, and that they should seperate. I still have my doubts about whether or not he’s even had that initial bullshit discussion with her but I can only take it at face value at this point. I told my wife that this woman deserves to know, and she admitted that yes she does, but it could be harmful to the pregnancy to tell her now. I can’t help but think this is a) justification to themselves that they’re actually ‘being nice’ by lying and b) make me not want to be the bad guy and tell her (if I tell her I imagine they’ll accuse me of jeopardising the pregnancy etc).
I really don’t know what the fuck to do. My good friend says that I need to tell her, so that she’s not stuck in the loop I was for 4 days trying to fix things, feeling guilty and confused etc and also so that she knows the whole story before entering into separation negotiations etc. but I’m torn on what I should do? Any advice would be amazing

Five years ago, I had been living with the knowledge of my wife's affair for about six months. I said I was ready to move on, ready to forgive her, and didn't understand why I was getting heavily downvoted by all the bitter, jaded cynics here. "Give it five years and let us know if you still feel that way," they said, and I agreed to come back and report on my progress.

It's a very different relationship than it used to be.

I'm not here to ask for advice or reopen old wounds or field a bunch of "why didn't you do this? Why didn't you do that?" questions. I just want to confirm that, yes, in my hubris I did not understand. I should have listened to what y'all were trying to tell me.

Staying after betrayal is not for the faint of heart. It's brutal and difficult. Things did not ever go back to the way they were before. Trust does not just snap back like a rubber band. Even after years of conversations and therapy, it's not the same and never will be. And what exists in its place, I don't like it sometimes. Oftentimes.

As with most things, there's no good way to end this.

Although I have incredible friends who are supporting me through this, it's hard to talk about it with other people, especially because I don't know anyone who's been through a similar situation. I guess I just want to vent, hear other people's experiences and maybe get some advice.

I recently discovered that my (37F) husband (37M) of 11 years has been unfaithful to me in multiple ways over the past 18 months.

Before all this, we had a genuinely happy marriage. I was one of those people who could swear her husband would never, ever cheat. That's part of what makes this whole situation so confusing.

Last year, he asked me for a divorce twice, a few months apart. Both times, he almost immediately regretted it, said he didn't know what he was thinking, that he was overwhelmed (we had moved to a different country that year) and struggling with depression.

We went to a few couples therapy sessions, and he told me he wanted to make our marriage amazing and be the best husband he could be. I specifically asked whether there was anything else behind his divorce requests, and he promised there wasn't.

Fast forward to April this year. He came home from a trip with a friend and confessed that he'd visited a massage parlour. He said it was an impulsive decision, that he deeply regretted it, and he cried and showed what seemed like genuine remorse. I was devastated, but I decided to stay and try to work through it.

Little did I know, this was just the beginning of hell.

Over the following months, I discovered he'd actually visited massage parlours five times before the incident he confessed to (from November to March) I only found out because I insisted on seeing his bank statements, which he was initially reluctant to share.

Despite everything, I decided to give reconciliation a chance. We'd shared so much of our lives together, and I couldn't just forget the ten good years we'd had. I also recognised that he had unresolved issues from his past. I was his first and only girlfriend, he'd struggled with self-esteem and insecurity as a teenager, and I wondered whether some of that was contributing to his behaviour.

I'm someone who has a lot of empathy for others, and I think I spent so much time trying to understand what was going on in his head that I somehow managed to justify things I never thought I'd tolerate.

Then, last month, I noticed he was acting suspiciously again and caught him texting a woman.

That's when I discovered that, since February last year, he'd been having an emotional affair with a woman he'd met online who lives in another state. They'd never met in person, but he told her he loved her, and they were making plans to meet.

Once again, he hadn't come clean voluntarily. I found out on my own, and had I not discovered it, I don't know how far things would have gone.

That was my breaking point. I asked for a separation, and we're now living apart.

Since then, he's been desperate to reconcile. He says he was experiencing limerence, that he now understands how destructive his behaviour was, and that he deeply regrets everything. He apologises daily, takes responsibility for what he's done, and has even told his entire family about his infidelity rather than trying to hide it. He also mentioned porn addiction. He's in individual therapy and says he's determined to understand why he behaved this way and become a better person. His family told me this is complete out of his character and they're just as shocked as I am. He said he doesn't recognise who he has become and that he was always proud of having strong principles. He is in existencial crisis. It's seriously like he's a different person.

From everything I've read about reconciliation, he seems to be doing the things an unfaithful partner is supposed to do. Accountability, patience, zero excuses, deep remorse.

But I haven't agreed to reconcile, and the truth is, I have absolutely no idea what I want anymore.

What I struggle with most is reconciling the person I've known and loved for over a decade with the person who's caused me so much pain over the past 18 months.

For ten years, he was a wonderful husband and it was inconceivable he could cheat. We were genuinely happy together. Then we moved countries, and it's almost as though he became a completely different person. I know that moving doesn't excuse any of this, but I cannot understand how someone could change so drastically.

I see his regret. I see him making an effort. But I also know that he lied to my face repeatedly, watched me suffer while we were supposedly working on our marriage, and continued hiding an entire online relationship from me. I have screenshots of their texts and it's almost unbearable to read. It's wild because they never even facetimed before, never had a call or nothing. Just voicenotes and text. So incredibly infantile to say I love you to someone you don't know, is he crazy?

I don't even know how I feel about him anymore. Some days I miss the life we had. Other days I can't believe what he's capable of doing, and I wonder whether I'll ever be able to stay.

I never imagined I'd find myself in this position. I feel completely disorientated.

I suppose I'd really like to hear from people who've experienced something similar, particularly those who had genuinely happy marriages before the infidelity. How did you make sense of the person you loved and the person who betrayed you? And if you chose to stay or leave, how did you reach that decision?

Thank you for reading.

TL;DR: My husband of 11 years was a great partner for a decade, but over the past 18 months he repeatedly cheated on me, both through massage parlour visits and a long-term emotional affair. I discovered most of it myself. We're now separated, and he's showing genuine remorse, taking accountability and going to therapy. He wants to reconcile, but I feel completely lost.

I apologize in advance as this may come off as word diarrhea, i am having trouble gathering my thoughts at the moment.

Hey so im numb and in shock. Just found out yesterday that he had cheated on his last job probably around 5 months ago, he wont tell me the month but I know exactly around what time it was because I had felt it and part of me knew something was off. It was a girl coworker apparently they were flirting kissed a several times and he would drop her off at her house sometimes. (Mind you we share locations so he would leave his phone at the job drop her off and come back for it). He said they didnt sleep together that he pulled her pants down one time stopped right there and realized what he had done and ended it there. He then went and got a new job (I remember him so eager to get out of there and something definitely felt off now I know why).
What hurts me the most aside from the obvious lying and sneaking around is that I was around 6 months postpartum during this time. It was a very vulnerable stage, I was scrambling to do my best work out and tend to him the house and both of our babies as I also have a 2-year-old. Im focusing on what to do and how to do it better and he was out doing this? I dont even know how to move forward now our smallest just turned one, they are both so little, im a stay at home mom and if I leave I feel like my children's life would dramatically be impacted. I probably wont be able to afford a 2 bedroom house like we have now plus childcare there is just so much that goes into it. I wanted to raise them myself so bad without daycares because of all the horror stories I have heard... I guess I had an ideal family home and childhood that I didnt have and wanted to give them and now my whole world is shattered.

My husband of 21 years recently told me he found out he has a child who is 8 years old, with another woman.

At this time he was quite depressed and had a lot of issues and we would have been having quite a lot of rows. He got drunk and had a one night stand with a co-worker, which I didn't know about. Afterwards he left that job but heard she had a child. He contacted her and she said it wasn't his. Recently he saw her and her son and thought the boy looked liked him. He contacted her again and she eventually admitted its his. She said she didn't want to split up our family. We have 2 older teenagers.

I would have considered him to be a very good husband and I'd be pretty sure he hasn't cheated before. Hes a hard worker, has always provided for us and would do anything for his children. He wants to be a proper father to this child and has also given the other woman money, even though she said hasn't asked for any. He is very remorseful and has done everything he can to comfort me. He said he couldn't let the child grow up without a father.

Obviously I am devastated and don't know if we should stay together. We have been happy for the past 8 years and he got councelling for his previous issues. We have told our children and families and he has seen the child a few times but wants to see him more in the future. I don't know if I'm crazy for thinking of staying together.

​

Well, it's been 38 days of no contact, and I figured I'd give everyone another update.

It's crazy how much things can change in just a few months. Back in July, I was an absolute mess. I couldn't sleep, barely ate, and spent way too much time trying to figure out how someone I loved could do what they did. I questioned everything, including myself.

Fast forward to today, and I'm doing really well.

I'm sleeping better, still hitting the gym, keeping the weight off, and genuinely enjoying life again. I'm moving into a new apartment in a couple of weeks, and I'm actually excited about starting over.

I've also met someone pretty amazing. We've been spending a lot of time together, taking little trips, laughing, and just enjoying each other's company. It's been really nice to feel wanted and appreciated again. I'm not going to pretend I don't still have some baggage, because I do. But I'm working through it, and I'm not letting what happened ruin something good.

As for my soon-to-be ex, I really don't spend much time thinking about her anymore. I don't wonder what she's doing, who she's with, or whether she regrets anything. That's her life now, and honestly, I don't want any part of it.

My divorce should be finalized Wednesday. It's a little strange knowing that chapter is finally coming to an end, but I'm ready.

Don't get me wrong, the last few months have sucked. There were days when I genuinely couldn't imagine feeling normal again, much less being happy.

I guess the biggest thing I've learned is that you can't spend your life trying to understand someone else's shitty choices. At some point, you have to stop looking backward and start living again.

For anyone who's just finding out about an affair and wondering if things ever get better, they really can. It takes time, and there are going to be some rough days along the way.

A few months ago, I thought my whole world had fallen apart.

Turns out, I was just getting a chance to build a better one.

And right now, life is pretty damn good.

OLD POST: https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/s/7mAQDP9EoP

Basically, we are both in different colleges nearby each other and he cheated on me.

I was very sad at first, cried for a few days, but realized i had to lock in and focus on my academics and future career, so I did.

After starting a new year, I joined clubs, a sorority, focused on myself and school, and I felt such a sense of self that I really didnt need him anymore and love myself for who I am. I dont even need a partner right now. Its been silent between us for a month and I rarely think about him, and when I do, I think about it in disgust and have no feelings towards him. I cut contact completely, so I never had a reason to think about him or talk to him. When I mean no contact, not even talking or ranting about the relationship to my friends. I had to move on. think I got over him so quick because of my new environment and also that I knew I didnt deserve a pos like him.

Recently, he got with a mutual friend of ours. I know, betrayal but idgaf. I never really cared, and I actually just found out he still talks about me and the new girl is always stalking my social media and always talks and asks about me. Lol!! Ego boost. they can do whatever they want about me and i honestly will keep doing me and live my life.

You guys can do it. I promise they are not the one for you and will find so much better for yourself, whether it be a new partner or loving the single life.

We had gotten into a bit of an argument a couple weeks prior to us meeting again. It was about her going out 1 on 1 with another man (who I don’t know and also buys her drinks). I was not comfortable with it. Instead of having a conversation, she attacked me, called me insecure, controlling, etc. We had also planned a trip to Iceland prior to this. So I felt bad for being “insecure” and changed my ways and tried understanding.

So a week goes by and I planned the full Iceland itinerary. I called her and told her I feel like i can’t talk to you about things. She says “this relationship is not the most important thing to me. Fuck off don’t text me for a week” So I didn’t.

Iceland trip comes by and she’s texting me “I miss you” and “I love you” “I can’t wait to see you” She even gave me a list of groceries that we would eat in the car to buy because eating out in Iceland is so expensive.

She lands and I was so happy to see her. Real movie moment. I lifted her off her feet and kissed her face so much. I had even bought her flowers too after getting the groceries and the rental car. We chatted about our times away, what’s we’ve been doing etc.

So we spend the day in the city and then we’re having a good time. I take her to a dinner reservation I made and then we go out to bars. We’re out and she’s getting drunk, having a good time and so was I. She kept saying “Go buy more shots”.

So the night was over and we’re waiting for our bus to get back to the hostel. My phone is dead so I use hers to check the bus schedules. She was asleep on my shoulder shivering from the cold and I was trying to keep her warm. But a little voice told me to check.

What do I see in the DM’s? Bits and pieces of her asking on of her guys friends for advice about her sleeping with another man she met for 1 week.

I stood up and scream bloody murder. All she wanted was her phone. I said “here’s you’re phone, we are fucking done”

I left Iceland and abandoned her that same night because I knew I would do something drastic to myself. She stayed and enjoyed the trip still.

She met a guy for 1 week and he said all the right things and gave her attention enough for her to throw 4 years away. For 1 week.

I came to every single one of her final architecture critiques. Bought her flowers. Was learning to dance for her. I respected her parents and culture. I listened to her. I let her come over just to sleep when tired. I changed myself so much for her. I bought all our dates. I drove her everywhere.

1 week with a stranger was all it took. My biggest fear is something happening to someone I love like kidnapping. She could’ve easily been kidnapped, or trafficked that night.

1 week.

Oh also. She has zero friends back here at home. I was her only friend. So once she comes back she’s gonna have nobody. I invited into my friend circle because she felt left out. Look where that got me.

We are all friends (or so I thought). Husbands went out on a work weekend, and while there, hired hookers for two nights of partying. They denied all of it, I found hard evidence of what they did. Both of them have wives and young children.

I don’t know how to tell the other wife (we are friends because of our husbands). Her husband already knows that I know, but he doesn’t know the amount of hard evidence that I have.

I want to terrorize the husband first and at some point tell the wife. I understand that I am hurt and that this is a way to lash out, but I still need advice on how to do it.

Advice welcome.

My ex had been previously married and was cheated on in his last relationship. His last two relationships were pretty toxic from what I knew. He also has depression.

We struggled a bit with his depressed episodes. In his past relationship, he was expected to just handle it on his own but also really caretake his partner and her emotional needs.

But as far as I knew, I was the healthiest and most well-adjusted partner he's had so far. I tried my best to be loving, supportive, and try to provide a healthy environment for him to heal and for us to grow together.

We did break up once as he thought he didn't have the capacity to work on a relationship and work on himself and that he had baggage from his marriage. About a month later, he said that he said he felt he was over it and felt renewed to start again. I was a bit hesitant since he said he may be avoidant and I had dated an avoidant guy who did the same thing before, but I tried not to let my past bad relationship cloud this one.

He changed his meds of his own accord, and I believe fell into a deep depressed episode different from ones that we had experienced before. He suddenly questioned the whole relationship again, if he could be a partner to me, and if he was ready for a relationship. He asked for a two-week break to get his emotions settled and figure out if he wanted to continue the relationship.

I read books and educated myself on depression, to learn that these types of breaks are very normal for depressed people (they basically push you away even though they don't really want you to leave). I felt prepared for us to face this together and really thought we could get through it so long as he got his meds in order.

Waiting for that week was agonizing, and I reached out in the middle to tell him that I loved him and missed him and was struggling. But I wanted to give him the space he asked for because I loved him.

We met up for the one-week check-in. He asked me why I was trying so hard, and I reaffirmed how much I loved him, I wanted to be with him, and I don't want to give up on the person that I love. Shortly after, he asked me again how I felt. If we were "taking things slow" so he could get his emotions in order or basically if I've given up on the relationship. I again, said that I was committed. He then admitted that he has slept with someone the previous week, which means within the span of literally a week of our break, he slept with someone. Most likely it was probably a coworker of his, but I didn't bother to ask. He said he felt we were "stepping away from the relationship" (an excuse, not a a reason).

Depression isn't an excuse for infidelity. He had to actively choose to cheat on me, regardless if he was depressed or not. I feel like he actively sabotaged our relationship, when he should have just dumped me.

I'm just really struggling. I don't understand. I never thought he would ever do this to me, especially knowing how he felt getting cheated on in his marriage. I go between sadness, dissociative, to anger, to thinking "what if i just reached out again in that week and reminded him that I loved him, so he didn't think we were stepping away?" but I know it's not my fault.

How do I get over this? How do you get over cheating?

I’ve been with her for 1.5 years and only in the past months have I suspected something weird. She has a chat on instagram with someone whose name is daddy. I went through her Instagram DMs and they would send each other meme images and he would invite her over for drinks and food. I confronted her about it but she just said that he was a friend and that she went over to pick up chairs and to eat dinner with his family once. She also told me she was going to change her password to her phone, and that the guy set his own nickname to that on her phone

what he did is cheating (to me) but not physical.

He signed up for tinder after a really bad fight. We broke up but not really (one of those bad serious fights that get jmmature)

He uploaded pics (pics I took of him!) and said he swiped for 15 mins and deleted it.

Then a few weeks later, he did it again after a low moment. Then again. All a total of 15-20 minutes (apparently)

I find out. (Notifications in spam)

I go ballistic. He tells me the truth ( but not all of it just the first time he uploaded the profile). Says he doesn't remember the others. The next day, I show him the spam notifications. He admits to it all.

He is willing to get the tinder data report to show me. He is willing to show me everything. He is willing to do couples therapy, individual therapy etc etc. promises he will never do this again.

Other than this, I do genuinely think he's good for me. I was excited to build a future with him. I love him.

But I don't know if I can do this. He lied (he says out of fear and shame). He says this is his ugly side and he is shameful and guilty. He says he did nothing, talked to no one, just looked for validation.

It feels like a slap in the face but I guess I also empathize which sucks. I understand the feeling of wanting attention after a fight that leads to a breakup.

But he has also logged in when we were together after that ? He said it was out of low moments, wanting to feel validation.

He says he will do anything to build my trust.

I don't know what to do.

So my boyfriend of 6 years (24M) cheated on me (29F) it was w a co worker of course and it didn’t last long but my thing is he lied to me about her house being some guys house since December last year and went over there multiple times to parties and get togethers w other guys but it was a girls house it is weird she would only invite men over and they would kiss from time to time he says they kissed like 10x from what he can remember they started talking more in June of this year months after the first like he told her he cough feelings late July and then they kissed in August and even said I love you and he planned to leave me for her but then when I caught him I just had a feeling and forced him to confess cause he went over there late one night when I needed him cause I was sick he went there instead saying he needed time w the boys and all so long story short I got him to confess but it was hard his first words were why don’t u trust me cause I wanted to see the invite from said guy to come over Tuesday night cause I felt it was off and after hammering him some he told me and confessed everything and my first reaction was to reconcile but I’m lost right now we was great to me for five years so I don’t know if I should keep going cause I invested so much and I do care for him and he shows so much remorse and has apologized and spent so many nights talking w me and comforting me but I just never thought he would do this to me any advice

Basically the lies was ten months the emotional cheating was 6 months the kissing was 3-4 months but he said it was wrong and he chooses me 🤷‍♀️

He says he didn’t tell me cause he did not want to hurt me and he was scared to talk to me as well the emotional cheating happened cause he in a hard spot at work and he felt like she understood more cause she is there and calm and listened to him and it went on too long he says cause he liked it but he would go back and take to all back if he could he said it’s the biggest mistake of his life

I am a paranoid jealous girlfriend and I do give him tough love but he just wants someone just to listen and not give him solutions to his problems ugh I know I’m not to blame but we both want to start new it’s is hard success stories of reconciliation would be appreciated

I’ve only ever had partners who cheated so I wasn’t too supprised honestly a lot of them I left immediately my last relationship I gave him one more chance he did it again and I left and this time I’m just shocked cause this guy I’m with now he has been always there for me very consistent and sweet I just started to give small changes in his consistency that’s how I cought on but he gaslighted me several times I was so close to catching him so it’s a lot of hurt for sure

Never thought I’d be here. 37 (me), 36 her. 2 kids 8, 6.

Completely blindsided. It started before her dad died. I thought I was giving her space to take trips, turn out she was messing around with a guy on 3 of those trips.

She says she wasn’t feeling seen/connected and we have talked about this previously. Never did I expect this from her.

I have nothing left to give and trying to make it works seems unfathomable.

Completely lost on what to do.

Update: the overwhelming support and know I’m not alone in this terrible time is appreciated.

She wants to seek marriage counseling, she wants to stay together. I’m still torn, if you weren’t fulfilled before why would I ever have any inclination of trying to fulfill you ever again? It was with someone she met on a game and lives out of state.

Still lost

I just discovered that my husbands AP from almost 9 years ago got married and had a baby boy 3 years ago who just so happens to have the same name as our newest 2 month old baby boy. Now this name was originally my idea but my husband clung to it and was insistent upon it. I just learned about her toddler boy having the same name today and I’m not sure if I’m overreacting by being pissed off. He insists that he has had no contact and had no idea about her marriage or her baby but I’m still fuming because it’s ruining my sweet baby’s name for me. Every time things are going smoothly something comes along like a random punch to the gut to remind me of the past and it takes me so long to regulate myself again.

I just want to provide encouragement...It took four years after my divorce for the whole truth to come out. I don't think I would have been able to handle it then because of the levels involved. She cheated with the instructor/owner of the jujitsu gym I was attending up until a week ago. I knew something transpired with someone, but could never pin it down, so I moved on two years ago from thinking about it; I had accepted it for what it was.

Fast forward to last Sunday and it all came out due to him facing sexual misconduct allegations, and my ex confessed the who thing to our sons and myself. I did not realize I held this in my subconscious until her confession and now I feel lighter and like myself again. Still processing all this, but I am in a much better spot due to all the healing I was doing over the last four years.

** **I have been thinking lately that the emotional simplicity of an affair has to be the main appeal, because the task of repairing a long term relationship with all of its inherent complexities seems daunting.

That what a new relationship may have in emotional comfort, it lacks in depth or history, but that is part of the appeal.

If a person is yearning to be desired, cherished, lusted after and so on, that is normal and usually how any relationship starts.

Then folks make commitments to secure the relationship.

They marry.
They get a pet.
They have children.
Each step bringing with it a certain amount of responsibility and further commitment.
They are OF your relationship, but not the focus of your relationship.

You work to advance your careers to better provide for your partner and those commitments (like children) that you have chosen to add.

Your time outside of your career starts to be about those responsibilities.
Walking the dog.
Parent teacher conferences. Children's sports.
Maybe a hobby to help deal with the stressors you have chosen to burden yourselves with.

Over time, the relationship that started it all becomes less of a focus.
You trust that it will be there because you've both entered into this long term journey together, but it begins to lack definition and focus around the edges. It evolves quietly but lacks form.

Before you know it, one or both partners realizes this and needs reassurance that the relationship is still their foundation for everything that came after.

Then things settle down.
Jobs become stable careers.
Children get older and start their own lives.
The enormous weight of responsibility is still there though.

College funds, mortgage payments, medical bills, retirement funds, and more still encompass most folks.

I think that it's at this point, where life loses its daily havoc; this is where some folks start wanting their relationships to move back to center stage and THIS is where trouble starts.

If someone feels their physical and/or emotional needs aren't being met anymore, it's tempting to stray.

After all, that's how the whole journey started. You had needs, met someone, connected, and you were off to the races.

If you can't rekindle similar feelings with your significant other and reclaim some of those feelings, it can feel like purgatory.

It requires more emotional work to improve an established relationship even though you have more time invested, than it does to start anew.

The question for most folks is, are they willing and able to put in that work?

I think that for some folks it seems like a daunting task with no clear path for success.

I'm not saying that this applies to everyone, but I think most folks who stray treat their affairs like a vacation from reality.

With an affair they get to have the emotional and physical desires met that originally drew them to their SO, without all of the shared baggage a life together can create, and that a new person just doesn't have.

It is an impossible standard for their SO to meet because after building a life together over time, that relationship has aged with the people in it.
The responsibilities and commitments still exist.
People can only have a finite number of things prioritized in their minds.

Some folks might see what they perceive as minimal effort being put into maintaining the relationship or feel like their partner is "phoning it in", but it may be that those actions are as deep as their partners emotional well can go at the moment due to life. Everyone can get burned out.

I understand the frustration.
What I don't understand is the unwillingness to suffer, work through it, and try to come out better on the other side after years of hard work.

So many folks are spoiled by "happily ever after" even though it is not a thing that exists in any reality.

Life isn't turning out how you envisioned? Join the club. We meet Tuesday nights at 8:30. Bring donuts.

Romance isn't dead, just infrequent.
Like locusts or the comet Vaisala.

You want to be swept off your feet again, but you've spent years grinding down the discs of the only spine that promised to pick you up. Now you have the wherewithal to ask someone else for a piggyback ride?

I understand it, but it's selfish.

[/rant]

It’s been 1 week since my husband moved out. He moved out on his birthday... I went from being sad to being enraged. I don’t think of myself of a vengeful person but I want him to pay for leaving instead of trying. He comes around everyday to see our baby but I can’t stand him. Just seeing him makes me lose my appetite. At the same time I feel sad and really wish he would just want us back, to fight for our family but that’s not the case. I obviously can’t react on my anger, and that is the hardest thing.

I’m in therapy and it helps but a week is too long when I’m angry every day.

Anyone else dealing with anger? What are you doing?

About 2 years ago in our relationship, I (24f) found out he cheated on me with a SW and I found out he was addicted to porn. When he found out I knew, we kinda broke things off but he was able to wiggle his way back into my life.

2 years later now, I decided to tell him that I didn’t think I could get over what happened and that we needed to talk. We decided to break up. AFAIK, he never cheated again, and I guess the cheating having no emotional ties made it easier for me to accept. The incident never left my mind, our relationship felt tainted. I never stopped loving him, but I felt like in this relationship I couldn’t relax or fully trust him anymore and it may be holding me back on truly being happy.

I had told my friends and my mom about the initial betrayal and going back to the relationship after saying I left at first always made me feel embarrassed. I have never initiated a breakup before. It was terrifying. My friends say they are all proud of me, but I am sitting here with slight feelings of guilt and wondering if I did the right thing or did I make some bad crass decision. I think I did the right thing for future me. I am just trying to stay strong. I’m sad. This sucks.

Hi there read this chaotic story and help,

A girl has a husband and she’s cheating on him. I was involved with her and a third guy is now in the picture. She told me she didn’t want to get married and wanted just fun and chill not to get me committed which of course, I agreed. What guy wouldn’t? Then I found out later on that she was married. It honestly bugged me but I continued with her since I was already been with her for fun for over six months.

I learnt she just started having a thing with a third guy just by me snooping her phone. The evidence is so great that the husband can be in a comma if everything is told to her. As soon as I learnt, I confronted her about her marriage which I found out earlier and the third guy. I went for STI screening and thankfully I was clean but she had gonnorhea (I have been using condoms for a while).

Now, I have told her repeatedly to stop seeing the third guy that it’s just so unfair even with only me doing this to the husband. She is still working around me to see this third guy. To be fair, she never wanted anything with the third guy from the start but things escalated along the way so the guy keeps bugging her even when she keeps telling the guy she don’t want him anymore. This guy keeps showing up at her place saying he wants her in her life (she told the guy she had a boyfriend-> referring to me as her boyfriend).

I don’t want to hear any of it about the third guy cos honestly, it’s all a mess. I have exited my relationship with her and I told her that if she still keep seeing this third guy and not being firm by rejecting him, I’ll push all evidence humanly possible within my archives to the husband.

She cried all day and threaten to take her own (censored) because she can’t bear being exposed. How do I deal with this? Don’t the husband deserve to know? The husband is in another state.

I am scared she may take her own (censored) or are those mere threat?

New addition to the community! Hooray for me!! (Heavy sarcasm)

I have been seeing someone for a year and just learned he’s had a long term relationship for FIVE!! FUCKING!! YEARS!!!!!! FIVE!!!!!! I didn’t consent to being someone’s fucking side-piece!!

But OP, how could you have not known? Well, I work 5 10hr shifts a week and I’m a student. I am genuinely so busy and what I loved about him is he didn’t mind that! He didn’t need my constant assurance at all!! It was awesome. Every evening we’d call and go over our day. Sometimes we’d call on my drive home and stay on the phone until we fell asleep. I travel for work, so I only saw him intermittently. Which was super cool with me! I don’t mind distance, I’ve never ever EVER been an insecure person… and then his girlfriend found his phone and read everything.

Im heartbroken for her. I feel HORRIBLE!!! I’m not sad and sopping, I’m fucking ANGRY!!!!!

SO!! I would like angry music, please. Angry breakup music. I don’t want healing yet, I want to be fucking angry so I can make it through school without being an emotional wreck.

TLDR, I was used as a side piece, I’m livid, I need angry music please!! If you send me Taylor Swift I will personally hunt you down. Thank you!!

EDIT:
Oh wow the immediacy with which you all sent me some amazing stuff and offered advice/your own stories is remarkable. What a wonderful community I’ve happened upon. I now have a very healthy start to a properly angry playlist!! I’d also like to clarify a few things:

Yes, I contacted his longterm partner with screenshots, recordings, and notes. I have OCD and I take notes on the people I date with tabs of information and dates of specific events, which I sent her way in its entirety. She hasn’t gotten back to me, I think I’d be speechless too if I found out my partner for half a decade was toying around with someone else. I’m so extremely livid with this man for wasting so much of her time.

Also, he actually doesn’t have many friends besides his girlfriend. He’s a rather shy, introverted person. Softspoken, and, unfortunately, this read to me as someone docile when he’s apparently a fucking asshole. I know he cheated with me and his girlfriend because he’s an insecure, friendless, nobody asshole with no one else to stroke his ego. That’s pathetic and sad and I feel no pity for him because, you know, instead of cheating on his long term partner, he could have come to me and sincerely asked for friendship and I would have been all fucking in. I would have happily befriended him and her and been more than content (I am extremely extroverted with many friends, a number of which are couples who I adore!! I literally just went on a trip with a couple as their third and it was fantastic!!). So yeah.

Thank you again to everyone sending your angry songs and bashing T-Swifty with me all billionaires need to be blown up!!

Update:
Really, really unfortunate and stupid update. His girlfriend finally got back to me… claimed she did not believe me (girl I have screenshots??), called me a temptress (we never had sex so that’s hillarious), and had him change all his accounts to have her name in the bio and then blocked me. Thats… beyond delusional and sad and she deserves worlds better. Maybe it’s a sunk cost fallacy thing, I don’t know. Oh well.

A little under 6 months ago I was cheated on physically and via OF by my then boyfriend. Horribly emotional messy breakup, still dealing with the emotional damage to this day. When we broke up he made a big show of deactivating all his social media, saying he would live with the guilt, etc. All of which was complete bullshit and I knew that. But part of me has wondered since then if he has changed and stupidly wondered that if he did could things be different?

For the last few months I’ve been in a really bad place mentally, and was told by a friend that they saw him this weekend and he’s already with someone else. I was waiting for the anxiety and sadness to hit me but it hasn’t come and honestly? I feel way better knowing this

As petty and selfish as it sounds, it vindicated me knowing that his patterns remain the same. He will always be looking for something or someone to fill the void - he was also addicted to cocaine, video games, and porn. Does it suck that I meant nothing to him? Yeah, but it sucks less now that I see nobody ever will until he finds it in him to actually seek help.

Hopefully this isn’t a temporary feeling… I don’t think it will be though. I don’t want him back, but I am still hurt. This feels like a turning point in my healing somehow and I’m excited to see how things change for me from here.

To make a long story short.. I have been dealing with my husband’s stimulant addiction for the past four years. He is currently in rehab because I left the house completely the last relapse . I found his call logs and researched the b numbers that were texted at off hours . When he would have a relapse he would disappear. Meaning he would tell me he would be home after work . He would usually stop at a bar, have a drink, and then he would stop answering his phone for 2 nights/days. Then call crying that he had a relapse . When he was sober I would ask where does he go ? What does he do when he relapses ? He would insist that he stayed locked in a hotel room because of shame .

He did admit once that he used an app to call a sex worker to obtain the drugs . He explained that they use code words or emojis that let people know they have or can get drugs . He insisted he had never been unfaithful. Ever .

I have never really believed this as I know addicts lie . However, I found A LOT of mainly texts (only a few phone calls) to numbers that were escorts . They 98% often coincided with the times he used. I only have access to 14 months of phone logs , but in that time alone there were about 18 periods (ranging from 1-3 days ) where escorts were texted. I started trying to make sense of why there were so many texts. I thought ok maybe he’s having to text so many because he was trying to see if they had drugs or not and if they didn’t then on to the next number .

But the more and more I think about it. If he was able to get drugs from someone he met up with the first night…why not get enough drugs so you don’t have to find a new person the second night. But then another thought was : why get drugs that way . You mean someone shows up with the drugs and then you say ok thanks .. I don’t want any sex though .

Am I gaslighting myself to think he’s telling the truth? But I am starting to think that not only is he dealing with a drug addiction, but also a sex addiction. It’s too much to process and honestly I don’t think I can have any more trust if both were true. It’s more and more to worry about even if recovery sticks this time . Thank you for your insight

So, I have had one partner, who cheated on me. I have never been with anyone else sexually, the closest I have gotten before is a kiss on my cheek.

So, I found out she flirted with another guy, and went to see where things go with a more experienced guy who knows some stuff about a sexual interest of hers. Please do not focus on this part, I will deal with this, not the main focus on this post.

During our relationship, we did not have sex as often as I liked. As such, I frequently masturbated and watched porn. She knew this and was perfectly fine with it. But now that I know that she cheated, I have a hard time enjoying this... I keep imagine her and the guy, I cannot get the image out of my head.

Other times I think of what we had, and just get sad that I no longed have that, and also that it was not enough. And sometimes I think about what I would have loved to do with her, and she did not want to do with me, but probably did with another guy behind my back. No matter what I see or do, my mind goes elsewhere and I am either very sad or frustrated.

She is still one of the hottest people I know, and to some extent I know I had a shot with her, we did have sex for over 5 years. I am also afraid that I will not be able to find another person who wants to sleep with me that is as hot as her and, not that I realized this all those 5 years, is as horny as she was.

Does anyone have any tips for getting over this? It is very frustrating, and normal a way to release some frustration is masturbation, but that obviously doesn't work. I've been trying to focus on porn that includes things I never fantasized about, is unrelated to my ex, or her affair, but that is obviously hard after spending 5 years together.

In my head, I am thinking having a ons or a new relationship with sex would help, to replace the memories and horrific fantasies with new ones. Does anyone know if this would help? I think I could also just the desperate to have sex again, it is very nice after all.

Also, this might sound bad, but should I mention this when dating or whatever? That I've been cheated on? I think there is a chance that if/when I get physical again with someone, I could break down. I get that ideally I fully get over my ex before finding someone new, but she already has someone and I just want that too. I feel desperate, unwanted and lonely. My friends are helping with this, but they cannot make me feel desired obviously.

I also just don't know anyone that goes to bars or cafes or whatever to pick up someone. I don't know how to start. I have downloaded some dating apps, got some matches, but no luck so far. I also have no flirting skills, but also the moment I think about it, I immediately feel terrible thinking about how my ex flirted with at least one if not more other guys while together.