When I was 17 or 18, I worked at a cheap low class department store while I was finishing high school. I worked in the little cafe, mostly washing dishes and doing whatever else needed to be done.

There was a guy who worked at the store who was just an obnoxious jerk. He was the sort of person who could make an otherwise tolerable shift miserable just by being around. Nobody liked him, and people generally avoided him whenever possible.

One day, I got an idea for a prank.

I took two packets of ketchup and carefully placed them underneath the toilet seat in the men's bathroom. You couldn't see them just by looking at the seat. The idea was that when someone sat down, their weight would crush the packets and squirt ketchup everywhere.

I thought it was hilarious. It was stupid, childish, and completely unnecessary, which was probably why it appealed to me at that age.

Unfortunately, the person who sat down was the store manager.

I wasn't there to witness it, but word spread pretty quickly. Apparently, the ketchup went all over him and his clothes while he was sitting on the toilet. He was absolutely furious. He vowed to find out who had done it and get to the bottom of the situation.

Now, this was a department store that sold cheap stuff, so it's not as though the man had suffered some permanent catastrophe. He could buy another pair of pants and underwear. But obviously, nobody wants to have ketchup squirted all over them while they're using the bathroom, especially not at work.

The funny thing was that there was absolutely no way to know who had done it. It could have been an employee. It could have been a customer. There were plenty of possibilities.

But somehow, suspicion settled on the obnoxious guy I worked with.

He insisted he hadn't done it. The problem was that everybody thought he was exactly the sort of person who might pull a stunt like that. Even people who realized there was no evidence against him didn't seem particularly interested in defending him.

I certainly wasn't going to volunteer any information.

The manager was so angry that he actually fired the guy right there on the sales floor, in front of everybody.

It was a scene. The guy kept insisting he hadn't done it, but the manager wasn't having any of it. I don't think he was interested in hearing another word from him.

The rest of us just watched.

And here's the really ugly part: nobody seemed particularly upset about it. Even though there was no evidence that the guy had anything to do with the ketchup, people were so fed up with him that they were practically relieved to see him go. Nobody stuck up for him. Nobody said, "Wait a minute, how do we know he did this?"

I certainly didn't.

I stood there and watched a guy get fired for something I'd done, and I didn't say a word.

The atmosphere at work improved after he left. People were friendlier, the shifts were more pleasant, and I had no reason to complain about the outcome. As far as I was concerned, I'd pulled off a stupid prank and somehow gotten rid of a coworker I couldn't stand.

I didn't really think about what it must have been like for him to be fired in front of everybody, insisting he was innocent while nobody believed him. At least, not at the time.

About a week later, I got called into the manager's office.

I was nervous as hell. I had no idea whether somebody had figured it out or whether there was some other problem. The manager told me to have a seat.

He asked if I knew why he'd called me in.

I said no.

He asked whether I'd heard about what happened the previous week with the ketchup packets.

I said yes, trying to sound as though this was an entirely ordinary conversation.

He paused and said, "You work in the cafe, don't you?"

I said yes.

"Well," he said, "I'd like you to personally keep an eye on the ketchup packets. Be on the lookout for anything suspicious, and feel free to report anything that doesn't look above board. You can drop by my office whenever you notice something. Don't hesitate, even if it turns out to be a false alarm. I want to know about it."

I was sitting there wondering whether this was some kind of elaborate trap.

Then he thanked me for doing such a good job and told me I was getting a small raise.

He also said that if I was interested in a promotion after I graduated from high school, he'd be happy to recommend me.

I thanked him and left the office.

I had gone in expecting to get caught. Instead, I'd been promoted, essentially, to chief ketchup investigator.

I never told him what I'd done.

Looking back, the part that bothers me isn't really the prank itself. It was a dumb thing to do, and the manager was understandably furious. What bothers me more is that another guy paid the price for something I did, largely because everyone disliked him so much that nobody was inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt.

And I walked away with a raise and a manager who thought I was trustworthy.

I don't know whether the guy ever realized that he hadn't been responsible for the incident. I doubt he did.

I do know that I never put ketchup packets under a toilet seat again.

I also never corrected the manager's impression of me as a particularly responsible young employee.

Times are tough, and my husband and I have faced falling income on top of recent inflation. We've had to cut nearly every non-necessary expense, including eating out. Before times got tough we'd DoorDash pretty often, like a few times a week. We've since sworn off DoorDash entirely, and I've been making every meal at home for us for months. Except I secretly go to the mall to get Chinese food after every therapy appointment. It's $12 and I do it twice a month. I don't tell him, and he hasn't noticed on the bank account. I told him we should downgrade to ad supported plans for streaming shows and movies to save money. If I didn't go out twice a month, we wouldn't have to endure the ads. But going out to eat is my one little slice of how things used to be. It's a selfish waste of money, but after confronting my feelings for an hour I don't want to just go home and have a sad little sandwich.

I’m 39M now.

I grew up poor but did not realize how bad things were, or how much people took pity on me. I never really questioned my circumstances and just accepted things as they were. My parents were hardworking, but I was also a latch-key kid. I took the bus home and it was not uncommon for me to not see my parents until 9 PM.

One day, my 5th grade teacher (Ms. N) was making small talk about whether I had seen any good movies. Ms. N was a beautiful woman and I had a crush on her. I responded that I had never been to the movies before. She felt sorry for me and offered to take me to go see a movie, as long as my parents approved. However, my parents were very strict and would never allow such a thing. I was essentially confined to my home, or my neighbor’s house. So I lied to my parents and said I was going to hang out at the neighbor’s house. And I lied to my teacher that I got permission. I figured I would be home before my parents got home and they would be none the wiser. It was the only way to get to go to the movies.

I can only recall certain details about the movies. It was a rated PG film. I can’t remember if I was the only kid or if there were others. We went to McDonald’s afterwards. I picked a booth near the trash can and she suggested we sit away from that and I agreed. She dropped me off at home. It was a magical experience for me.

Unfortunately the magic ended when I got home. Unbeknownst to me, my parents came home early and were frantically searching for me the whole time. They thought I had been kidnapped. I eventually confessed that Ms. N took me to the movies. What I neglected to tell them was I lied about getting permission. I’m not sure they would’ve believed me anyway. They were furious about this and I was punished.

I went to school the next day and Ms. N was somewhat distant from me… she made a point to not talk to me during recess. Eventually she was replaced by another teacher.

I did not put the pieces about what happened to her until early adulthood. Thinking back, my parents probably called around— my friends, neighbors, the school in particular. They probably got wind about the situation and she had to explain she got permission from my parents, but there was no evidence of this. So it was her side of the story vs. my parents., and I’m sure the school sided with my parents. I was just so afraid of the repercussions that I didn’t speak up.

As I write this now, I think about what a shitty situation this was for Ms. N. She saw a poor child who didn’t have many opportunities in life and wanted to do a nice thing. And she went into this thinking she did everything correctly, including getting my parents’ permission. That kind action cost her job at the very least. Who knows if she was also accused of grooming me. It seemed innocent enough. I can’t imagine what sort of impact this would have on her ability to get another job, her mental health, etc. I feel a tremendous amount of remorse. And at the same time, I was a kid and I didn’t know any better.

I’m sorry, Ms. N. I’m really sorry.

I have always been infatuated with humping. I used to hump my pillows to masturbate, as it stimulated my clitoris on the outside and inside.

I have always love fat asses and twerking videos. I have recently discovered that I really want to have a woman with a big soft ass bent over or stand straight up, while i grab her hips and hump her soft ass on my bare clit. Or she bend over and twerk on my clit. The thought of that turns me on so much, though I dont know if I will ever get to the point of trying it.

I also would like to hump a woman standing up face to face, while i grab her ass and we hump clits together while kissing. I want to play with her ass and grab it and smack it and spread it and feel her asshole while we hump and grind clits. Just had to get this off my chest lol

Edit: yall thinking im a man is so funny to me😂 these are just my unfiltered desires guys idk what to tell you. i just like clitoral stimulation and I like womens asses and i have very specific fantasies pertaining to this. I would like my clit to be stimulated by a soft ass, not sure how thats so unbelievable, but there you go.🤷‍♀️

also, men cant even understand the sensation of a clitoris being stimulated via humping. It stimulates the clit externally and internally. they could never know or understand this sensation.

Years ago, I had this friend. I knew she had mental health struggles. I’m bad at responding to messages. I’m very very much working on it and would like to say I no longer leave people on delivered for weeks. She messaged me something innocent, nothing concerning. I didn’t open it, but I had read the notification. Then, weeks later, I’m at the coast for a day trip with some other friends, when one of them asks me if I know Georgie. I say I do. She tells me that she just saw a FB post from Georgie’s mother about Georgie’s death. That friend had went to highschool with Georgie and had seen us interact in each other’s comment sections.

I instantly remembered. The message. I never got to answer her.

Come her funeral. I pick up another friend who Georgie, her, and I always used to hang out together. Georgie and I made this friend together one night whilst lost and had become close with her. We start the drive to the other city where Georgie lived. I can’t remember why, but traffic was terrible. We arrived late, the building holding the service was full. We stood with some others outside the open door and tried our best to hear what was being said. It was hard.

Other stuff happened after the service, I spoke to Georgie’s mum. That was really important. She knew me. I had never met her. She’s a wonderful, wonderful lady.

This year, I wrote this poem for Georgie. It’s Georgie’s birthday today. I thought I’d share it:

'However Many Weeks On Read'

So.
I can’t even write ‘bout your funeral.
Couldn’t see it through the door.
Was late, I admit, the traffic got bad,
Listened to your playlist on the way there.

Can I lie and say I don’t meet you
in all the curly blondes or browns that I see.
What colour would you say your hair was?
How short was it when you died?
Can I write this to you?
Or must I pretend
I’ll see you typing back on the other side.

I think when we were younger you’d want some pretty words
I think now I’m older you’d want them the same.
I’ll give you a verse
Oh what could be worse
Than leaving you alone in that grave.

Georgie I’m trying but nothing sounds right for you.
26 letters, a keyboard, my mind.
I think
whatever I should say to you
should have been said
years ago.
That message you sent-
Yeah. I should have replied.

My mum died when I was 7 and my stepdad raised me, the first girlfriend he had after my mum, maybe 2 1/2, 3 years later? I absolutely terrorised the woman.
She would say hi to me and I would literally act like Damian from the Omen. I would just bluntly said I wish you were dead.
They were together almost 3 years and I never once gave her a break.
One time my stepdad went to the shop and I was sat with her in the kitchen.
I had a spatula in my hand and said anytime you move I’ll hit you with this, she was like what? And moved a bit, I hit her with the spatula. This continued for like 5mins then when my stepdad got him I told her if she said anything I’d kill her.
She told him immediately and he confiscated all my stuff like PlayStation etc.
I would just stare at her constantly. I would say you’re not my new mummy and she would say no of course I’m not trying to be! I was an absolute demon to her!
I also got given a sketch book at school so anytime I was upset in lesson I could just go and draw. It was about 3 months before anyone looked at it. Every page was me drawing a different scenario of his girlfriend getting killed.
Got hauled into the headteacher’s office the very next day as I was “disturbed”
Feel bloody sorry for her now I’m older and honestly don’t know how the poor woman put up with it!

I’m a girl by the way! Not sure why everyone is assuming I was a little boy.

Hi, so this will hopefully be quick. Long story short , I've been smoking the devils lettuce since I was around 17, I did that for a couple of years constant up until about last year March , when I met my partner. Things were great , I was happy and finally had the guts to stop smoking and went sober for around a bit, then at a friends birthday , I smoked a bit nothing bad. But the cravings came back hard after that and a month or 2 after that party , I started smoking again. And I haven't stopped. I want to but each time i try , ill stop for a day or 2 then start struggling to sleep and eat and go right back to it. I hate it though , because my partner thinks i'm still sober and i am so ashamed and guilty. How can i break this cycle again like i did last time , and how can i actually make it stick this time. I don't want to be that guy who lies to his partner , and since I've started smoking again old problems are coming back , financials , health etc.

I don’t know if it’s just me or my “daddy issues” but I can’t stop being attracted to older men. Seriously.. I always think that I need the attention of an older men. I’m actually such an attention seeker. It’s disgusting. I always feel the need to seek validation from older men.

It was a cloth chair and the size of my palm. I didn’t know what to do because it genuinely caught me by surprise so I just pushed the chair in and ran away. I’ve been crying since. I think other ppl saw because i did have a slight noticeable reaction. I paused for just a moment. At first i thought it was trapped air ..then i realized the chair was cloth not plastic. I feel bad.. someone sat in 😔 .

Below I write “Text me your best turd”..

Bruh at school my teacher had me distribute the handouts she gave us, she prints them herself so there cannot be enough for one table, so I'm instructed to only give away one for two people to share, one of them needs to copy print it.

Anyway, I was distributing normally, nothing weird then suddenly a girl in my class asked for a second one so she doesn't have to copy print, she said it's fine she always takes an extra one and the teacher doesn't realize, I felt such pressure all her friends were looking at me abd supporting her and also I didn't wanna look like a stuck up nerd so I just handed it to her and smirked, saying 🤫 and walked away, they were happy with the outcome but I instantly had guilt wash over me.

I don't think it's the school who prints the copies so it must come off my teacher's paycheck.

Yes there are extra ones sometimes but I still feel bad as I see it a theft.

I already prayed to God for forgiveness but I still feel so guilty and weird.

I know this is nothing compared to other confessions on her but this is stressing me out 😭😭.

I also regret giving in, that's weak.

When I was around 8 or 9 I would get dropped off at a day care type of thing after school at a church. On one of our weekend days we competed in an indoor race where who ever could touch the wall and make it back would win a prize (I don’t remember what it was but it was enough to convince myself it was worth dying over) so i ran to one side of the brick wall, touched it and ran back to touch the other wall. by the time i was about 5 feet from the wall i tripped and used my hand to catch myself, as my hand hit the wall my wrist broke in 2 places but the woman in charge was convinced it was just a sprain and told me to just put ice on it. All day i walked around with a broken hand with ice on it until my mom picked me up afterwards and took me to the hospital. In the next few days my mom had ripped the day care teacher a new one and i never went back there again. Then i dyed my hair the same blue color of my cast, cuz it gave me aura probably.

I’ve never really admitted this to anyone, but I think I have a problem with how much I watch porn. The weirdest part is that I don’t even necessarily watch it to masturbate. Sometimes I just watch it because I feel like it, almost like someone else would watch YouTube or scroll through social media as a hobby.

I find myself wanting to watch it when I’m with friends, when I’m around family, and even when I’m out in public. It’s like the urge to watch it is always somewhere in the back of my mind, regardless of what I’m doing or who I’m around.

I can go out and spend time with people, but part of my attention is still on wanting to watch porn. Sometimes I wonder if I even enjoy it as much as I think I do, or if it’s just become a habit that I automatically go back to whenever I have the chance.

The strangest thing is that I’m not even doing it for the usual reason people might assume. I genuinely just like watching it. I don’t really know when it became such a regular part of my life, and I’ve started wondering whether my relationship with it is normal anymore.

I feel embarrassed admitting this because it sounds ridiculous when I actually put it into words, but it’s something I’ve noticed about myself and haven’t really talked about with anyone. 20F

Hey everyone. I've contemplated whether it's even worth to post this here, as I understand that a lot of people won't think of it as a big deal, but here I am. I've never been able to talk about this to anyone, so i thought i'd come here.

I'm not sure how long it's been, but let's say about a year ago, I was talking to my mom and I found out that I was not planned. It was already decided that she was getting an abortion due to the family situation at the time, and to add on top of that, I have an brother who was about 2 years old at that time.

The morning of the abortion came. She was just about to leave the house when she received a call form her childhood friend who I will call Cleo (they were still very close friends and they still are to this day). Cleo knew about the situation and she also knew that the abortion was gonna happen on that day.

When my mom picked up the phone Cleo was crying immensely already, struggling to breath, and having a pretty bad time to say it shortly. She said that she had a horrifying dream about this situation that night, and she begged and begged and begged my mom not to go through with the abortion. She was saying that something terrible will happen if mom got the abortion, and as my mom told me, Cleo sounded really sure about it it, to the point where it got my mom very scared. Oddly enough, my mom changed her mind. Maybe she didn't really want to get it, but just felt that it was necessary because of the family situation, can't be sure.

To this day, my mom has no idea what really happened in that dream, and neither have I. Cleo is now my Godmother. We don't really speak much nowdays, but I remember that I loved her a lot when I was a kid. She lived down the street from our old house, and I recall going over by myself for hours a few time. I still get very happy to see her, even though that can be only once in a few years. I haven't seen here since I found out about all of this, and i'm planning to talk to her about it whenever we meet.

To make things clear, I have a very good relationship with my mom. I love her more than anything and I know she loves me too. We speak openly about most things, and that's why she told me about all of this, but she doesn't know about what's going on in my head daily.

I am a pretty lonely and depressed person. I am 21 now and I've been like that since I was 14/15. I've thought about ending it multiple times, even tried it a couple of times. I hate myself deeply for who I am and for the choices I've made throughout my life, but I won't get into it much here.

With that said and the story i just told, it's not really a good combination, since I've felt like even more of a burden for my mom now, knowing she didn't want me at first. It's been a year, and I'm still not sure how to feel about all of this. Sometimes I am grateful to Cleo, since she allowed me to have all the good memories I have, but when it gets bad, I can't help to wonder. If only she did not have that dream. Nothing would've happen. I wouldn't be here and I wouldn't have to wake up everyday in this disgusting world that we live in.

EDIT: it's been a few hours since i posted this and already you guys have made a really big difference. Just reading what everyone has had to say about all of this warms my heart. Thank you so much, I really appreciate each and every word.

Just to clear the air, the last attempt I had was only SH, not ending it, and it has been almost 2 years since then. Been doing my best to stay clean since and you guys made it a lot easier. Thank you.

I don’t actually believe that anything is real

Everything is fake to me

I keep up appearances in a professional setting as well as at home but I know I’m going to crack at some point

By not being real I genuinely mean that - I don’t believe that anything is real, it’s not a choice or something I can control it’s some sort of delusion idk

My greatest desire is to transcend society and become like a living art form

If I explained my day to day thoughts they would sound insane to anyone that I’m surrounded by

Maybe I’m not crazy maybe it’s everyone else that doesn’t allow anyone to actually be real

I don’t know

I just know that if I did slip the mask at any point it would be bad and I wouldn’t be able to go back

i froze my membership in march 2020. $54 a month down to zero.

i never unfroze it. but the card still opens the door.

i go three or four times a week and i have the whole time. that’s about 79 months at $54, so somewhere north of $4,000 i haven’t paid. to a company that made me do four phone calls and a letter to get the freeze in the first place.

the guy at the desk, Jason, he’s been there longer than i have, and he scans me in every morning and says nothing. so i keep going.

in january they'll put the price up to $64. i was furious for about four seconds.

this is a very old memory of mine, around 8 years old. in my 12th(higher education) I had a crush on one of the girl in my coaching(exam preparation classes), well she was just a crush, but I would always glance at her, she was cute and sweet.

I think I kind of regret that I didn't talk to her that much( I think not even once, can't remember but I guess I was acquainted with her). I was already a shy and insecure kid back then.

there was one incident that, when she posted her new outfit on the instagram, i commented her that she was fabulous. My bad luck started, other coaching kids started teasing me, fabulous fabulous, I got to understand they meant the post comment.

after a few days she did not come to the coaching classes, still not entirely sure that it was my mistake or her other reasons.

Then as I time goes on I also lost interest in the classes and didn't go there anymore, kind of very sad or very unmotivated. I don't know what happened to me. I just become more sluggish.

I posted this, just to get it out of my head.

I was not a billionaire back then and still is not but I was working at a supermarket and earned a low salary to pay for college. I shared a house with 4 people and we shared a bathroom. There was 1 bathroom for the 5 of us which meant we had to wait if one person was in the bathroom.

One time I needed to poo and someone was in it so I waited outside. The problem was I was bored and trying to hold it back so I was searching if there was something in my pocket to play with. I found a yo-yo that was in my pocket for a long time. It was round and light blue with a creepy smile on its face with some kind of weird water inside and a loop for my finger. I was playing with it until the person came out, and I should have put it safely in my pocket but for some random reason I just continued playing with it my hand.

I went in the toilet and pooped an atomic bomb and while I was pooping I was spinning it so hard the yo-yo got loose for my hand and fell directly in the toilet. I was like shit and I tried to grab it out but it was already in my damn poop. So I just flushed it hoping it would not block the toilet. I was so stupid to flush it and it actually flushed. I was like for the next 2 hours in my room thanking god.

But the next day my roommates called us to discuss something by then I had already forgotten about the yo-yo. They said that the toilet was broken and that it couldn’t flush. My face instantly turned red and felt so guilty. The roommate said that then house owner would call a plumber to come and check but we had to pay it. We all had to pay the 1/5 of the price I felt so bad. I gave my money and my roommates also gave it while complaining that they saved a weeks meal money and borrowing from there mum. Eventually the plumber got it out and I was the only one home so they told me a yo-yo was stuck in there causing it to malfunction. I just nodded pretending I knew what they were saying. I also held a meeting about it.

Writing this makes me want to puke and I still haven’t told them abut it but I was the reason the toilet broke. We eventually left and I went to college and we all forget about it and maybe each other but I don’t. I feel like vomiting shit.

I was on my way home with an acquaintance today, we were walking on our usual road today just talking about random stuff when we spotted a homeless looking person on the side of the road whos body was slanted in an unusual way like it didnt look right and was in a very weird position but i didnt think much of it till another guy walked up to the person and shouted "YEP HES GONE FOR SURE!" signaling to a distressed looking lady up front, it took a while to piece it all together but it clicked when i saw the ladys car had a dent in front of it and her panicked expression, then as if on impulse i burst out uncontrollably laughing at the whole thing as we walked past, but the person i was walking with seemed visibly shaken up by the whole situation and even called me out for laughing cuz apperently the lady heard me and even looked in our direction but i didnt notice, im home now and im thinking about the whole situation and i dont know how to feel about it. i dont even know why im posting about it rn maybe i wanna know if im just broken or wired differently or just straight up evil.

EDIT: the homeless guy was actually dead because i saw hes eyes were open adnd was unresponsive the other guy even confirmed it

EDIT 2: i genuinely thank you to everyone trying to help me make sense of the whole situation as it was a first for me and everybody trying to shame me for something i literally said was uncontrollable, i hope it makes you sleep better at night trying to make me feel bad cuz i really coundt careless about being evil or morbid or whatever word ur trying to label me as

Where I work, we don’t get paid for our lunch breaks. Depending on what shift I’m working, I either get a 45 min break or 1hr break. I’m a single parent and I’ve been struggling financially for the past few years. I can usually only afford to eat one meal a day so I tend to skip breakfast and lunch and I don’t eat until evening. On my breaks at work, I used to sit in the staff room and not have anything to eat. But I got so fed up of people questioning why I wasn’t eating that I just started working through my breaks. If a supervisor tells me to take my break I just say ok and go and work in a different area of the store, or if they ask if I’ve had my break yet I just say yes. Working straight through and keeping busy stops me from feeling hungry, because I’ve trained my brain to not recognise lunch as a thing. So yeah, my company has benefitted from loads of free labour from me, because I’m too poor to eat at work and too embarrassed to admit it.

I worked at Savers (uk) when I was 17 until i was 20. Sometimes when I could see people counting their change while I was scanning their shopping I would “accidentally” not scan a few of their things because I knew what it felt like to struggle and wonder if I would have enough money for my shopping. I wasn’t ever caught and I don’t regret it. These types of shops have insurance for those things so it never bothered me.

My mom has been seriously ill for months. She always wanted me to become a teacher, because she thinks it is stable and safe. I promised her I would apply for teaching jobs, just to make her happy.

The truth is I hate teaching. I applied for a marketing job instead, and I got hired. I still keep up the lie every time we talk. I tell her I’m waiting for school interview results. Her face lights up every time she hears it.

I feel torn apart. On one hand, she doesn’t have much time left. I don’t want to break her heart and make her sad in her final days. On the other hand, it eats me up. I hate that our last conversations are built on a lie. I keep wondering if she deserves to know who I really am, even if it disappoints her.

My family says I should keep quiet, that it’s a kindness. But guilt follows me everywhere. I don’t know if protecting her peace is the right thing, or if I’m just being a coward. What would you do?

I have no interest in living.

I have a pretty normal life, good friends, good life too (according to others) but there's this void that I can't get rid of, I have no desire in doing anything no interests no favourites, often times whatever interests I have are either because they're perceived as "cool" by the society or maybe because the people around me like it. I don't have any suicidal tendencies(yet) (I don't wanna be a pain in the ass to the people around me, I don't wanna give them grief)

I know I'm very privileged to be able to say this, I'm aware of all of that yet I can't find a reason to look forward to the next day, even though everyday I do something different, I still feel the same. And I have this thought that I'll probably never be able to feel Love like other people do, people describe love in such beautiful ways that I'm sure i can never find myself doing so.

I don't feel anything much towards my parents, sure I'll cry when they die but i can't term that as love ( or maybe it is, I'm not sure)

My parents are great people, but not good parents.We're not poor by any means, we've had a comfortable life, I wouldn't say rich but comfortable yes, they're not that expressive, which I understand but I would be lying if I say, that they are not the reason I hated my birthdays or any events in my life. I wasn't abused mentally or physically, just not so great parents(I know it's their first time living too, that's why I never rebelled, not once.. did always what they liked/wanted) And I wonder maybe in the likes of doing things according to my parents preference I forgot my desires. Which is not necessarily the end of the world but I struggle to make decisions even smaller ones. I never made a decision because I wanted to make it, but rather because my parents liked it or it's the most beneficial for me or that's what others liked. I'm a simple person(or complicated ) I don't want a luxurious life, I want a normal life i want what other people have, actual healthy relationships. (Or maybe I'm just too privileged and ignorant to be acknowledging what a good life I have)

I see my friends and their relationship with their parents and can't help but wonder if I had different parents maybe I wouldn't be like this. I probably would know what being happy actually means.

I have an older brother who's.. well I wouldn't say we have the best bond ever but we get along. We're six years apart, so almost a generation gap between us, but i don't have any memories of us, never played with him, never went out with him, actually we did go out once because in a few months he was about to leave to a different place for his job. And it kinda sucks that I don't have the ideal relationship with him, do I love him?( I don't know much enough about him to love him) But would I fight for him(yeah, I guess if he's right) I often look at him and wonder how he's absolutely fine and thriving and enjoying his life and there's me within the same environment and parents and I turn out like this?

We talk once in a while, about daily stuff, nothing much maybe for an hour once every month or two months.

To an outsider, it might look like I have a lot of good friends(and it's true!) I have friends that are really good, but I never felt close enough to tell what I truly feel, why you ask? I don't know I don't wanna be vulnerable infront of them I think. I'm their go to friend or therapy friend you could say. It would definitely be a shocker to everyone of my friends if they get to know that I don't wanna live anymore. I do put up a pretty good act you can say.

And borderline everything looks fine, infact if I was a friend to myself, i wouldn't guess I was going through all of this ( or maybe I'm doing all of this to grab attention? And then I think there's nobody that knows this so who's attention am I grabbing?)

Life seems all rainbows and sunshine until one moment. Something happens/triggers and i start crying, for what? I don't know, sure I've had miserable moments in life, I've had not so good conversations with my mom leading me to believe she'll always prefer her son over me, or maybe a conversation with my dad leading me to believe he's never going to accept his mistake and I'll always be at fault no matter what( there are instances that i keep replaying in my head the moment i start crying) or me talking to my brother and realising how lifeless I'm living life when he tells me about his endeavours or how he's going out with friends and stuff, or me doing other people's work cause I can't say NO despite being tired. Often times I'm with people so I silently cry or cry myself to sleep at night.

Every time I drive a car, I feel like turning the steering wheel so hard that my car tackles a divider or a tree or anything and I get shattered into pieces.(Pretty graphic I know, that's why I don't drive and my dad believes me getting a driver's license is useless)

Is this normal? No way it's not and I know it. I can talk to somebody professional(and I tried it too) It didn't work out so I left it. And I'm a good kid, I know what people perceive of me, I mean what else will you be if you keep obeying everything from everyone.

Why am I writing this here? I don't know I seriously don't know, I'm not looking for any solution because to get out of this zone or whatever it is, it needs to be within, others can only show me the way, it's me who should pull me out of my misery (if you can call it misery)

If anybody's come till here, thanks ig for reading it, it's my first time letting my feelings out, I've been feeling like this since a decade (and I'm only 21) so I just rambled out stuff.

Many thanks for bearing with me.