Im 49F, wishing to be gone. I feel like there is no reason to be here anymore. It’s not that there are no people I care about. Im surprised Ive made it this far. I think most people would have definitely ended it if they had endured my life so far. So the specific reasons I want to prematurely end my life is because of being neurodivergent because it has significantly impaired me and continues to. I think I also have complex ptsd. I went my entire life not realizing that im autistic but the struggle has been there all along I just lived in denial and tried to just survive.

I’m at a point where I feel like I’m really out of options. I can’t stay where I’am, can’t afford my own place. Im not sure I have the mental capacity or endurance to get on SSI. Im working part time right now because that is all I could manage and even that is difficult and im in danger of being let go due to the autism/adhd. There are other reasons I’d like to be gone but it’s too difficult and dark to even talk about. Just past things I’m living with which haunt me. If I had to really say the main problem that pushes me to end it is just not being able to afford to live comfortably.

I hope I find a way to go that works. It was surprisingly hard to write all this out. Trying to express feelings publicly. One thing that is sad is there will be maybe one person who might have any feeling about me passing. A sibling I barely know. It will be like I never existed. That’s how little effect Ive had being here. I produced no children. I never married. I was never successful in any of the usual ways most people typically experience. So I feel like my life has largely been like I was alive but not actually.

That’s it. I wish someone would shoot me in the head or run me over. Why is it always people who want to live are the ones who die?

I've been getting alot on anti-suicide PSAs coming up on my fyp because I guess all these social media sites are really good at tracking me.

It's always the same message: Oh look at this grumpy person and happy person, surprise! the happy person was the one to commit. Were you expecting that plot twist?? Just reach out and you'll get help

Then all the comment start saying shit like you never really know 😿

Bro if any of those secretly suicidal people actually reached out and dropped the happy facade would they actually receive help?? I doubt it.

And it's very obviously not just the one you never expect. Sometimes it is just that depressive mf with no future you don't want to be around that decides to commit. Do they receive help for not being able to hide their pain? No they just get ignored or mocked.

Second post under 10 minutes of the first one haha, but I decided something that I will try to follow through, by March when the results of my final exams come out and if I don't pass into the final grade and fail I will just kill myself, I am NOT repeating a year bro, i can't. I will just kill myself, that sounds 10 times better

I don't think it's ever going to get better after spending most of my life that I can remember with these thoughts. So far I have lied to my therapist by saying I don't have any specific ideas or plans on how I would carry it out. I have three that pop up the most in my mind. I have the means for one method and the other two don't really require anything. I fear that by admitting it I would risk getting in trouble.

● I'm 23f and I have intellectual disabilities, as well as cerebral palsy, profound dental issues, asthma, ezcema, toileting issues, dermatitis, behavioural issues, nutrition deficiencies etc. I feel like it may be moderate or severe, because growing up I struggled a lot academically, socially, emotional, physical etc and that can be attributed to my intellectual disability and the cerebral palsy.

● I am very much aware that Reddit is a predominantly an American website, what they consider an intellectual disability in the states is not the same as what an intellectual disability in the UK and within the NHS.

● Although, I am a classified retard, I am aware of what I am. I wish euthanasia was a possibility for me, but it's not. I don't want to rely on my family's care anymore, I don't want social services to intervene in my life. I have spoken to my GP in person multiple times and I have also spoken to 111 and voluntarily admitted myself to A&E, but the NHS is a joke and I just found myself being mocked and exploited by staff members.

● I am aware that I can never find love and get married, have a family of my own, drive a car, own my home etc and it just breaks my heart.

● I want my family to be free and happy, my sibilings hate me as well as my mother. I want to be free from my disabilities and the cruelty of the world. I want out. I don't see any way I can live a happy life anymore.

NOBODY RESPONDS TO MY POSTS THEY ALWAYS GET A MILLION VIEWS BUT NOBODY SAYS A GODDAMN THING!

I LOVE IT SO MUCH I LOVE BEING VIEWED AS TOTALLY INEPT BECAUSE I USE AI BUT LITERALLY NO ONE GAF ABOUT ME

FUCK ME UNLESS I COMMIT SUICIDE THEN WVERYONES ON MY ASS PUNISHING ME FOR TRYING TO ESCAOE HELL

I LOVE KY LIFE SO MUCB I FORGOT IM SECRETLY
MASOCHIST THAT LOVES SUFFERIBG I FORGOT

WHERE DO I GET A GUN

I've ordered a helium tank and some plastic hosing. Not that hard to tape it inside a bag. Quick and easy, less than $150. Won't even feel like I'm choking. What more could I ask for. I don't want to die, but it seems like the best course of action to help my family. I dropped out of university, and I'm doing a collage course to be a pharmacy technician. No one will let me live it down. I'm lying to most of my extended family and old friends, and am claiming I'm still in university, but I should have graduated by now. No one understands that I've tried to kill myself multiple times over this. They just see me as a subhuman bug. A failure. A disappointment. A burden. My dad was an abusive asshole to my mom and everything's better now that he's dead. My uncle was a mentally ill university dropout too, and after he killed himself, at least my grandma could stop worrying about him.

I've tried a lot in the past, usually through drug overdose. First it was tylenol, but I chickened out. Then it was nyquil, but I also chickened out. I tried rubbing alcohol but my mom found me and took me to the hospital. It's also easy to chicken out because it burns like hell going down. This'll stick, I'm sure. Far quicker and easier than anything else, I just hope no one finds the package.

They think I'm faking my attempts so that I don't face consequences for dropping out of uni. I never wanted to quit uni, but they suspended me for a year due to academic performance. Nothing's wrong with me besides ADHD, and even the medication doesn't seem to help. I don't cook, or clean, and I only work one day a week, and that's only because the manager took pity on me, because I fucking suck at my job.

I'm glad to be dying. I'm sick of this. My only regret is that I won't get to see how everyone will react. Well. And that I need to wait until I get the damn helium. I hope my resolution will stick until then. I need to do this.

for i'm starting to learn i may never be free

but though i may never be free

fuck you and your money

i'm tired of your money

the most evil nefarious corrupting invention of mankind. you want a roof over your head? work for it. you want food in your belly? work for it. want a place to shit? work for it

you want to live? work for it

fuck this evil fucking world and all of the fucking scum who made it this way. every single fucking one of you billionaire capitalists deserve to get flayed alive. nothing anyone can do in any amount of lifetimes could ever even begin to atone for the evil you have wrought on the world. things were never supposed to be this way. things never had to be this way. somewhere in another reality we are all living side by side, sharing each other's burdens and working toward the common good of all people. but you soulless empty fucking shells of human beings wanted your numbers to go up. you wanted your fifth yacht. you wanted a fucking vacation home on every continent. you wanted that number to go up just for the love of the game. like planet earth is your own personal video game

you people make me fucking sick and my only regret is that i can't take you all with me

I've been severely depressed for as long as I can remember. Somehow I stopped processing any other emotions than severe negative ones. My memories are extremely blurry, I literally can't remember anything as if I have amnesia. And I only remember severely fucked up memories. I feel like I'm no longer a human. I'm very angry all the time. Recently, I can't think about anything else but suicide. Life is utterly meaningless for me, I struggled to find meaning but didn't manage to. Tried therapy for years, been on medications nothing has helped. I just can't go on living like this anymore. Don't wanna hurt my family but they don't understand or a matter of fact consider depression a thing. I've been functioning at work and everywhere now I'm totally burnt out. I work remotely. I try to go out for new activities every now and then but I'm in pain every single moment. I even book things and pay and don't go. Anyone who went through several depression or CPTSD can advise me because where I come from even therapy is just another way to suck money out of people. Does life actually have meaning.. do I have to keep searching. I stopped and I don't know how to get going.. it's just too painful, too dark

Here in the netherworld/ Netherlands you can get euthanasia for basically anything

My family doesn’t support my schizophrenia and I don’t have a normal family. My family rejects me and without state support I would be homeless.
Recently I saw them and it hurts because they don’t do nice and they say nasty things about other people as well.
When my mother is in my apartment she is reorganising things and cleaning a bit and then leaving. Never staying for conversation.
She recently asked about if I have insurance for my funeral and I realised I’m needing to save money for my grave. So I’m starting to save and it makes me depressed. It will take me a lot of months to save money and I will be eating staple food and dieting to save more money. God grant my soul peace

I've been planning on killing myself for a while now, and as the date grows nearer, I get a little more nervous about it. The idea of reaching out to a friend is appealing, but I worry that if I do confide in someone and kill myself anyways, they will feel worse than if i Had never told them. Is the risk worth it? Would people rather know and experience the regret rather than having no clue at all? Sorry if this is stupid.

The thought of not being here gets easier every day. The desire had been there since the childhood abuse, it never left. I'm tired. M36

i have no friends. last year i had one friend, but she moved on without me. got new friends in college and never looked back.

i haven’t really had any friends since. i always try to do something fun for halloween every year, but this year ive just been fucking dreading it. it’s a reminder of how alone i am. how i can’t even go anywhere or do anything fun because im not invited and have no one to go with. it’s a reminder of my own failure.

think i might just get drunk and hand out the candy to trick or treaters. but i truly truly want to die, i hate that my favorite day of the year is one of the most depressing for me now.

There’s a bridge near where I live with a clearance of about 130 feet. I was standing right over it behind the barriers, over the highway. I was just a jump away from freeing myself. There’s nothing for me here. I‘ve got nobody and I am nobody. Whether I jump or not it’s gonna be a lose-lose for me anyway. Everybody in my life is just constantly holding their breath and waiting for me to say I’m fine so they can move on without feeling the guilt. Those people who called the police on me while I was standing over the highway said that there were “people who love me”. Well, where the fuck were they? Why didn’t they answer my calls? I’ve been kicking myself in the head every single day since that attempt. I was a jump away from giving myself peace.

I feel so alone right now. I am chronically ill and my condition does not get better. In fact, I don't even know what causes it but my GP already gave up on me. I have a bunch of diagnoses but not a straight forward reason to why I feel like this.

Lately, I have been feeling way worse and I think I might be giving up. I spent a lot of years fighting to get help, trying everything I can, but I don't feel even a bit better.

Today I felt particularly ill, barely able to function. Right before bedtime I saw a fly in the room and wanted to catch it to let it out. I was very concentrated on the task and not hurting the fly. My partner offered help but I said it's ok, I can do it. After I finally freed the fly, I noticed that his mood radically changed. I asked what is wrong and he said that he sensed negativity from me. I tried to explain that I was not nefative towards him, just feeling really ill and focused, but it did not help. At the end, I almost cried and said that I can barely live and am contemplaited killing myself and all he cared was an imaginary negativity towards him. He said that what I said has nothing to do with it. I just said ok and went to the bathroom.

When I went out, he said goodnight and went to sleep (we slerp in different rooms since my sleep is really bad).

I am now crying in my bed. I feel so tired, so ill, so lonely. I just can't go on, I have no more resources to try to feel better, I just can't.

I wish I were sick, so that this slow death within me might have a reason. Instead, I write poetry so desperately, hoping to leave behind words that might offer the people I love some explanation, perhaps even a little comfort. As though the right words could make sense of an absence that should never have to be explained.

Most nights, my mind wanders toward imagined accidents and ways of simply not being here anymore. I cry thinking about the countless ways the news could reach the people I love, and I ache knowing that no explanation could spare them from the pain. Sometimes, I even consider making myself someone they could hate, foolishly believing that resentment might hurt them less than grief.

I think about my little sister, and I hate that I ever have to wonder why I came first. Why did my parents bring home a baby girl into a world that can be so cruel to women? Who will protect her when I cannot? Who will remind her of her worth when the world tries to make her forget it?

I know that no words of mine could ever prepare her for a loss like this, and that thought breaks me in ways I cannot explain. I love her so much that imagining her grief feels unbearable. I don't want to take anything away from her life. She is so sweet, and the last thing I would ever want is for the world to turn that sweetness into bitterness.

We're reaching an age where she will begin to find more of herself, where she will become her own person in ways I can only begin to imagine. I would like to believe that I've helped her grow a little stronger, that I've given her some of the tools she'll need to navigate a world that doesn't always handle gentle souls with care. I hope she knows she deserves kindness, that she never has to become cruel just to survive.

I wish I could promise her that everything will be all right. I wish I could promise myself the same.

Perhaps that's what hurts most: loving people so deeply while feeling so lost inside yourself that you don't know how to stay. I have so many words left to write, so many things I wish I knew how to say aloud. And somewhere beneath all of them is a part of me that wishes someone could understand the silence, too.

I do not know how much longer I can write; even the words begin to escape me, for I am an ordinary man with uncommon thoughts I never sought.

I keep thinking I’m going to get better, but one inconvenience leads me back to feeling suicidal the same as o was last year. I have nobody to talk to and I’m just sick of myself.im so ambitious but I can never do anything right. I just really want someone to be with me.

Now I don’t know what to do. For the last year my whole life revolved around my 32 year old fiancé and her 4 kids. I woke up, worked as a stay at home dad to those in kids did my best and repeated the cycle day in and day out for a year.

For a year I tried and tried and tried and I got better yes, but eventually we each came to the conclusion that I just couldn’t be what she needed at this moment. So we mutually broke it off, and that was fine. She told me she’d help me get back on my feet in a completely new state and give me the money back that I originally gave her at the start of our relationship.

Well then after not 2 weeks she brought over another guy to fuck. Not 50 feet away from me, and it devastated me. I gave this woman my virginity, my love, my admiration and I was willing to help her in anyway I could.

I even asked her if I could get a hotel or something, anything to where I didn’t have to be in that house. But she denied and refused and it broke me. I went into a manic episode for 3 days and ended up in the hospital with what the doctors called “Stressed induced DKA” (diabetic Keto acidosis) I’m a type 1 diabetic.

Even after seeing how badly it affected me, and how much it was hurting me. She wouldn’t just put her dating life aside for one minute in order to make sure her ex fiancé didn’t end up dead. We fought she drained our joint bank account of our money and told me to “Figure it out” after giving me only a grand back. And a grand doesn’t go far these days.

Now I’m back home, in my childhood bed. Living in my dad and step mom’s house bringing all the “skills” I learned back with me but now, being back in this tiny little town. I feel more lonely than ever, the same crushing, compounding, feeling that I had before I met her is back.

Now that’s killing me. I’ve never really been happy alone, and never will be honestly. I’ve always felt like I needed someone else to be happy, with myself. But oh well… now I’m almost 20 and have basically nothing to my name.

I don’t understand what’s wrong with me. I’m an adult but yet nobody likes me or think I’m worth it. I try so hard to be normal enough for a society that often has no room for isolated people like me. Im always the one ignored, the one who seen as ‘strange’ for no having friends at my age. The one who grew up witnessing abuse from their own parents and nobody to talk to.

And now I just lost my only friend, he completely blocked me and said how Im worthless and just a waste of oxygen..

I so badly wish I could have a friend group like everyone else. To have people I can call my own family even.

But I guess Im going to be alone forever and nobody will even notice when i eventually kill myself instead of cutting my arm. Everyone loves to only ‘care’ when you’re eventually dead.

I'm 20F and I've suffered from depression and anxiety since I was 12. I used to cut myself because of family problems and anxiety so I could feel some sort of relief. I stopped doing it a few years later after I caused an injury that left me unable to move my arm for a month. Over time I noticed I started feeling less and less emotions. Less happiness, less sadness, less anger. I didn't care about anything anymore and everything seemed empty. But it's wasn't as desperate as it was years ago, now I simply don't care about anything.

I dropped out of school and I have no plans for the future, although I don't want any either. The idea of working my entire life in a country where most young people can't even afford to live independently disgusts me. I don't want to make the effort to live such a difficult life when I always wanted to die. I don't enjoy traveling or eating, I used to like reading and drawing long ago but now I've lost all interest in them. I don't enjoy living, and I don't think I truly ever did. I was just surviving.

I plan to make an effort to look for a job, anything that gives me some money. And then look for the least painful way to end my life.

—even though I deserve it.

So I’ll just pass my time fantasizing: leaping off buildings, hacking off my limbs, smashing my skull against walls.

I wasn’t made for this world. I’m a waste of an able body.

I've tried many different times over the past year. Obviously none of them have worked. Each attempt feels stronger/more dangerous than the last but my body seems to recover really well.

This last time I mixed viagra and nitroglycerin. I was always taught that combination can be pretty lethal but I've tried mixing moderate doses of both but it seems my body is able to recover after feeling incredibly weak and lethargic. Just have a mild headache now.

I'm not sure how to feel. I just feel empty, numb and defeated. Feels like I've built my body up in the past to where it's too strong. I guess I can try even stronger doses or use a gun (I'd rather not. I don't find it an appealing option) but with my luck I'll probably still survive.

What's sad is that I'll continue to go about life and everyone will think I'm fine and no one will know I've attempted to die and failed. I always feel like I have to hide how broken I have become...