Theoretically if I were to shuffle off this mortal coil, is there any possible thing I can write for my fiancée that would help him understand/not blame himself? My biggest fear is the impact I’d leave on him, but I also feel it’s better than after we’re married and have kids and shit. Although, I’ve been telling him lately that I no longer dream of a family because it’s irresponsible to try and start one with my mental illness and its prevalence in my family history. I don’t believe in my competence. My goals have been reduced to patting myself on the back for completing household chores. I don’t see how to change anything. I feel if I don’t give up now I will give up in the future and the impact would be more severe.

There is no other mind that attaches at so many different points of interest and content, then uses every strand all at once. I never knew a mind like that, who could keep a poetic jaunt going for hours or days and then have eight different complementary trains of thought backed by education and experience.

I didnt notice we were dying because it was more alive than any period before or since. I'm the one with the documented chronic illness that was supposed to go first.

Now I am stuck here wishing i could bludgeon my mind back to the dying thing it was when it knew all that I might expect in life is humiliation for being this way. Now I cannot accept less connection or cleverness or sheer attraction. I couldn't before either, but I hoped to drink myself to a cognitive stupor that would put my brain cells in the right nosebleed section of society to just be a mindless trophy wife

He warned me that our love made us mortal, that our aim for the reaper himself becomes a tender will to live when understanding and love break through the trauma

My poetry teacher most likely killed himself. He said i didnt need teaching and took me to open mic nights and i wish I knew id he succeeded in disappearing like hannibal lector or if he just dropped off into the mist, willfully or by slippery misstep on moss

It is somehow both rare and obvious that this must be posted to multiple threads, because the dire nature calls for salvo

Around 6am i took the combined amount of 1800 mg of extended release propranolol as well as two benadryl and a diazepam to help me go to sleep before anything started happening. Here i am almost 10 hours later and my heart rate hasn’t even dipped below 50 once today, let alone any other negative symptoms happening.

I wrote out a long note for my partner and family. did everything to prepare and instead i’ve had to go about my day as normal. I know there’s still a chance something can happen but it’s just baffling to me that nothing has yet. I really had decided i was done with it all today too.

reposted under a burner account

Lately I can't stop thinking about my family, friends, and pets all dying. They could die at any time. They could die tomorrow or in 30 years. But when they do I'll be all alone and I don't want to be alone. I have 3 family members and 1 friend. That's all I have. When they are gone, even if one is gone, what will I do? I would be devastated. I almost want to just off myself now so that I don't have to go through the grief and being alone.

There's a lot of other things causing these thoughts but that's one of them. I don't want to die but I also don't want to be without them.

Hey, so, I'm looking forward to killing myself, I feel very selfish because there's million of people struggling with things 1000% worse than mine, but I just can't handle it anymore.

Toxic traits from my family, a job that doesn't fit me, the hopeless try to study just gave me the "overqualified" thing and now I can't live based on the only thing I wanted, self-sabotaging my only friendships at the point yesterday one of them, the one that -a few months ago- was the closest and nicest person I had in my life, just told me to leave them alone and to don't search them.

These things are just stupidities, and I know it, I'm sorry for anyone who's struggling with anything worse and reading my text may think it's some sort of mockery, but I swear to god it's not like that, It's not from this year nor last one, It's been like this since 2016 probably and I just can't continue.

I'm planning on doing it at least after 21th November, after watching the new Hunger Games' movie, from there, I won't have any hope at all to continue for anything.

That's it, I just don't have no one to talk about this and I thought I could vent here

(TW! SELF HARM!)

This post isn't about me, it's about my friend. They've struggled with their mental health for some time, and have attempted suicide via strangulation in the past. Nobody knows about this except me. I feel like such a coward for not doing something about this sooner, and that it's my fault they've gotten so bad by not intervening sooner. But now they've began self harming via cutting themselves and I've decided to take action and stop being a coward.

I'm afraid they'll hate me for it, but I believe loving someone means doing what's best for them no matter if they want you to.

For context, we're both minors in high school. We have a pupil support teacher that deals with student mental health and I plan to go to them and tell them about my friend. I'm so nervous about doing this, but ultimately know it's to benefit my friend in the long run.

I'm tired of being a coward and am ready to face and deal with their problems together. Better do something now than risk losing them forever if I don't act. Thoughts?

Any advice or words of encouragement is deeply appreciated, thank you!

I don't have any pills or ropes or access to sharp enough knives or even a high place but I'd use clothes if i have to i just can't anymore i really can't it's like air is chocking me I'm done with trying to run i just want it to stop

Tenho 18 anos e pra mim minha vida já acabou. Há pouco tempo em junho deste ano, eu refleti sobre todas as minhas ações que tomei na adolescência. E várias coisas horríveis que fiz vieram a tona na minha mente. No tempo eu não me toquei de quão errado era aquilo que eu estava fazendo e também, não sofri nenhuma consequência e por isso continuei fazendo sem me dar conta desses absurdos. Agora vivo com a culpa, sinto que não mereço nada de bom e provavelmente nunca irei seguir em frente. Tá ruim viver com a própria consciência, e por isso ando pensando em me matar e tenho certeza que se qualquer um soubesse de tudo que eu fiz, diria para mim fazer isso. Mas no fundo acredito que sou covarde até pra isso, não sei mais o que faço, eu tenho vontade de fazer diferente agora mas antes sei que deveria pagar por tudo. Esse foi meu desabafo

I‘ve never been so dependent in others, mainly because I was an outsider in school, always had to work alone in group projects because nobody wished to partner up and in general was a child who was a loner. I hope that makes sense.
Even though I‘ve been affectionate to my family a tons, it feels wrong. I never got taught how to love properly, but I think it‘s just something you have to learn by yourself. I have friends that are dating people at the ripe age of fourteen, even having sex with others. I don’t understand how you can trust another person with your body, let alone be intimate with someone.

Now in this school year, I‘m way more dependent since I can feel myself slipping away almost everyday. I can barely get out of bed at times, let alone handle school. I don’t know how others do it… Or they don’t, suffering the same shit I do. I mainly depend on my online friends, calling with them almost everyday makes me not want to kill myself, or get the thoughts of relapsing off my shoulders, even if it‘s just for a while.
I‘m already on antidepressants (herbal), what else can I possibly do to not kill myself? I can’t ask for stronger ones or a diagnosis, my mom says I‘m normal. I can’t even tell her I feel this way because I shut my feelings from everyone irl.

Is there truly a reason to live for? Even after I have no goals anymore??

ill never have friends. even when i do, ill never be their first option. nobody will ever prefer me over the other. everytime i think ive made friends theyg et so close to eachother and im just left behind and rhen stuff happens and my bpd makes me just ruin the friendship as a whole. it happened again and honestly? i know i dont have a chance oif making more friends ever. i should have been dead years ago anyway.

My soul cat, Boo Bear, visited me in a dream last night. He was a white-and-orange Turkish Van. He hasn't done that since he passed. He was a kitten. At some point in the dream, I noticed he had white ticks on him, and then I noticed I had tick sores all over my arms, infected and swollen. Then I was in the hospital, and the doctors told me I was dying of leukemia. I felt relieved.

Maybe this doesn't fit in this group, but I think my buddy is sending me a sign that my time is nearly up.

I am not religious, but I would like to believe good things eventually happen to good people.

I hope to see you soon, Boo Bear!

i hit myself i scream i self harm i am always open about my feelings and struggles but my family avoids me like the plague. the way i described it makes it sound like I'm out of control all the time but i could be ok, they drive me mad, try to murder me or verbally/physically assault me and then just act normal the next day. and i turn crazy because i can't stand the environment of acting fine and normal after I've been put through so much pain. everyone avoids me like i'm some anomaly when i truly try to be an okay daughter, sister and friend. seriously enough of this shit and of everyone i know even my death won't make them reflect on their behavior bcs i can't tell u how many times i tried and used up my voice till ot was cracking to make them admit some fault like how i always admit mine but no, I'm just born crazy. i regret not dying as a child maybe i would have been remembered as ok, but eben then i was a monster right? no doubt in my heart that they don't remember the shit that has shaped me into this mess i am today, but it made me who i am, i gotta deal with the consequences of what was inflicted on me. but i forgot!! financial support is all that matters... feel free to murder me as much then

I yearly have this realization of where my life is heading and how little worth there is in it. I'm 20, and have attempted or planned it at least once every other year since I was fucking 13. Pills? Took 14 tablets of benadryl, had a seizure, nothing else. Took 4 handfuls of Tylenol, foster home thought I was just stupid, I went to sleep and woke up throwing up. Counted at least 16 tablets just from what I vomited. My foster mother told me to try it again. Hanging? Rope broke the god damn closet pole. Running in the freeway? Honks, and guilt about potentially ruining someones life, but nothing.

Now I nightly take a handful of benadryl hoping i'll get some degenerative brain disorder to end it for me so I won't remember. At least until I get the balls to risk another seizure and vomiting party by swallowing more pills.

I used to get told it was a sign to stay. Now it's a sick fucking joke, but now i have no choice because my life depends on helping someone else live. My dad lost his job due to a back injury. He got shit roommates he had crushes on, and they sent us into rapid debt.

My dream college accepted me 2 years in a row. Both times I couldn't attend, because no co signer, I applied to scholarships and didn't get a single one, FASFA could only help so much with the cost. The school even knocked off a year of housing, gave me vouchers and their own scholarships to get me in, and when I couldn't they said there would always be a place for me.

But there won't be, because i'm 20. I missed the time to go to college. And before anyone says 'anyone can go!' Any time i ask for advice, or help on how to navigate when to go, I get told 100% of the damn time that I need to go right now or I never will. But if i did, I would make myself, 2 people and a dog homeless. Because I am the only working member of this house.

I got the fuck ass 'gift' to work at Intel. In the year I worked, i got sexually harassed twice, a stalker, and a lead who yelled at me till I cried every week for disobeying him and doing what my team manager says instead. I got called every abelist, sexist name under the sun, yet told I possibly couldn't have because i'm 'pretty.' Then told it's not their fault because they think i'm their girlfriend. But I couldn't leave the job. Because I get paid the most I ever will in my life, I get 24$ an hour, enough to cover mortgage and bills with wiggle room, not enough to uproot and move to an apartment however, because i live in god fuck OREGON.

My uncle gets SS, so he pays what he can as well and that all goes to my dad for whatever he wants. Meanwhile, he still can't find a job. If I leave. I become homeless. I have no friends to live with, no partner because i'm ugly as fuck and only wanted for sex, which wouldn't be an issue if I wasn't demi. And then I make an innocent dog homeless, and 2 men who are at least trying somewhat to get by.

I thought maybe I could wait until he got a job and I saved for college to go. But my friend told me when we were 18 that I need to leave, go to her college instead, and get married ASAP.

I tried to explain the situation, that I was having rough luck in dating, that I feared being homeless if I left, and instead, she left. She later came back just to say she 'didn't say that. Didn't mean it if she said it.' But I remember every fucking word. It replays in my head every day I see people going to school.

I can't go to friends to talk, because if I say my situation, they make leaving sound so easy. Because yeah, you can totally get an apartment in a week, ditch your family, go to college with nothing. And i try not to be bitter about it, but they have help. They got families that help them, i don't even have a car. So i shut up, and the only calls or texts I got was when they needed anything. Or when they 'miss me' but when i offer to pay for plans, they never want to make even the effort of driving themselves to said plans. They only do couple plans, and considering i am not married, not included. I can't tell my family, because I don't want them to know I resent the situation. And if I give a hint that I am upset, it's me being over dramatic or not understanding that they're trying.

So i went, stupidly, to the internet.

All I wanted was hope. I wanted to know maybe it wasn't too late to go, that college had no age limit, that it wasn't too late as a demi person to find a partner and get married so I can be on track. Even just when to know when to try to apply to scholarships and the logistics of such, considering those are use it or lose it on a time basis.

I just wanted some god damn hope and was stupid, and instead got hit with the same fears. It is too late. If I haven't gone now, I won't, and i'll be working for this house for forever. I need to go to some random community College and spend money i do not have on classes just to say i did it, even if there are no majors I even see myself being able to understand or do, just go! So easy! I never even got an answer to how to manage scholarships. And the only advice I ever get in dating is to just let them have their way with me, and it is easier. 15 relationships. 15. Only half ended due to life and not sex. It never got easier. And setting boundaries led to more pain. All I wanted was to be loved, but i'm only 'pretty' enough to be lusted over.

I wanted hope one day i could be loved.

One day i wouldn't have to chase my friends expectations of a speedy life to feel accepted. Maybe just once at least not become judges and just be there, just get food together, go to a movie, i'll pay whatever for it, i just want my friends back. Then after highschool, it became only marriage, college, and judging people not yet advanced.

I wanted hope I could be loved. I could have friends with that innocence we used to have in highschool just doing crafts. I could go to school. I didn't have to rush or die alone and without a life.

Instead, at every turn it was apperent I would only be a fuck doll. I wasted my life befofe I could drink. I should've taken my chances and gone to school anyways, stole, stripped, something more productive to get to school before time ran out.

All my dreams of a future have been crushed. No school. No career. No stable home. No true love. And I should've known I wouldn't ever get any of that the day I was touched and taken by the court.

And to top it all off, I don't got a safe place to sleep to begin with anyways, because i got bed bugs from work too. The suits weren't cleaned, and me and my friends saw bugs within the suit packages or on suits pulled from out hangers. I do the treatments based on what I got off the internet and hope it works only for it to fail and only have my poor neighbor to ask for help, who already has a bunch of kids of her own to care for.

My life is nothing but keeping my family off the streets and alive, being something to screw, and being the person people call to rant about love life, break ups, money.

And what hurts is the friends I do have who probably would be willing to be there, i'm too scared to call, because of our mutual friends and wondering if they think the same low as me as they do. Because our other friends are right, I need to marry someone and go to school to live, and i'm not doing either.

And so those friends don't know what's going on, even when they ask, and i'm to scared to make them upset, so i stick myself in a stupid self pity cycle and taking more pills, then more dread about my future.

I am nothing but a parasite, and nothing but a whore.

Once my dad gets a job, i'm taking whatever I can find, and climbing the highest roof i know. I don't want to feel the end. Death scares me. But I know i'll have nothing left to be alive for. I wasted my time and my body. I don't know if whatever happens after death will be better, but maybe i'll be more useful for something other than my money and tits.

Anxiety, PTSD and depression have kept me strangled for most of my life. And now, I feel, I'm about to give in to the black hole. I wish everyday for it to get better but it never does.

I genuinely can't stand the ritualistic behavior, how my mind forces me to fix the problems that are only in head. How my body aches and I'm sweaty being forced to repeat the same monotonous hell. This, anxiety and being on the spectrum makes me feel trapped in this nightmarish hell.

I've thought about suicide many times but never acted on it. I can't do this to my family but I can't continue to suffer either. I just can't.

Jesus please don't condemn me. Please don't banish me. I just want release.. I want release..

No one understands. I wish I had is someone who could validate my feelings. But he always makes me feel like a stupid girl with stupid naive feelings. And then he laughs at me. Everyone is always laughing at me. I tried so hard to make today a good one, I cleaned my room and I tried to play my favourite video game. But when he talks to me I just feel so horrible again. And it hurts because out of everyone in the world I just wish he’d understand me. I’m not trying to make my life harder on person. I used to be so bright and happy. I used to be willing to do whatever it takes. But people have beaten me down so such. And no one seems to understand how hard everything can be for me.

I’m just so hurt. I feel so alone. He treats me like my thoughts are irrational and childish. I’m so tired. I just wish someone would see me for who I am, and what I’m truly going through.

I tried again last night. i had it in my mouth. i just couldn’t do it. I’m 40 i should at least be brave enough for this but what everyone has said about me is true. I’m a coward

Just please tell me you’ll be proud of me for killing myself anyone

I thpught i had finally, for the most part, moved on but the nightmares have been back for a while now and I'm fucking falling apart. Doing my best to hold tight and keep it together but when I sleep I dream about all the fucked up shit from Helmand and Korengal, and my subconscious manifests other terrible things. When I'm awake I think about killing myself at least once an hour. I have a family that needs me, that's my only hesitation. When I take my lunch break I sit in my truck and cry and stare at my open center console where I keep my EDC. The amount of stress from my job definitely doesn't help, maybe a change in scenery I in order? I have to drink liquor when I wake up to get my mind back to reality, sometimes I drink at work, i always drink and smoke reefer when I'm not at work until I pass out, I can't sleep if I don't because I'm afraid to sleep. How can I be a good father and husband if im just a drunken shell of a broken man? At least I can provide for them if im still here I guess...

Yap, decided to made what caused me to jump off a cliff into a solution, continue getting verbal abuse for change.

See another day, growing my Yt channel, get verbal abuse, and repeat.

So most of my friends know by now that i'm not doing well, my self harm gets more severe from day to day.. And slowly i'm starting to plan again, how to just leave everything behind..
i really want to live usually, but i really can't take this anymore.
I started planning out ideas, but nothing really pleases me, because my body gets through so much shit..
i don't know what to do anymore to not survive..

I am a I4 year-old boy, and I know that I probably haven’t suffered nearly enough to be on this forum (even though I have thoughts of suicide). But does anyone know how I can get rid of these thoughts? Every time when things go quiet, they come back the terrible experiences, the mistakes, the urge to kill myself.

im fucking tired. and i cant get out. why is dying so damn inaccessible. i cant use amazon or any thing, either way cant buy anything because im 14. cant even use pills because i dont have enough and its just tame shit. no trains, i cant jump from my window its too short. so annoying omg

There’ll be a room for my younger sibling, and they’ll get to have my room. My mom won’t have to deal with someone who complains 24/7 anymore and she will have more money to spend on other things since there’ll be one less child to provide for. All my belongings will be donated to people in need

Reasons to not:
Absolutely none