I’ve been stuck in a constant cycle of going back and forth between trying to fight for my relationship and repeatedly texting my ex because I wasn’t ready to let go.

I kept thinking that if I could just explain myself better, show her how much I cared, or prove that I was willing to change, maybe things could be different. I wanted the opportunity to work through our problems together instead of feeling like the relationship ended before I could prove that I was capable of growing.

I won’t lie. I felt discarded. I felt like I wasn’t given the chance I wanted to make things right, and that was incredibly difficult to accept.

But looking back, I’ve started to realize something important: even when your intentions are genuine, repeatedly reaching out can put a heavy emotional burden on your ex.

I was fortunate to have someone who was understanding and mature enough to communicate her boundaries with me. But that doesn’t mean my repeated attempts to talk things through weren’t exhausting for her. She was trying to move forward, while I was still trying to find a way to hold on.

When you’re hurting, it’s easy to convince yourself that one more text will make a difference. You think that if you can just say the right thing, they’ll finally understand how much the relationship meant to you. Sometimes, though, you’re not giving them space to process anything because you’re too focused on getting an answer that will ease your own pain.
No contact is hard, especially when you still love that person. It can feel like you’re doing nothing while the relationship slips further away. You might worry that they’ll forget you, move on, or never understand how much you cared.

And if I’m being honest, a part of me still wants her to come back. I still wish things had worked out differently, and I sometimes catch myself hoping that one day we might get another chance. I’m not going to pretend those feelings have disappeared just because I’m trying to move forward.

But I also know I can’t put my life on hold waiting for something that may never happen. For now, it’s better for me to focus on learning, growing, and becoming a better version of myself—not to prove something to her or guarantee that she’ll return, but because I owe that to myself.

No contact isn’t supposed to be a strategy to make your ex miss you or come back. It’s an opportunity for both people to have space, process what happened, and begin moving forward without the constant pressure of another conversation.

You can still love someone and respect their decision. You can wish you had another chance and accept that you can’t force one. You can feel like you were never given the opportunity to prove yourself and still recognize that repeatedly asking for that opportunity won’t create mutual willingness.

I’m still working through this myself, and I’m not pretending it’s easy. I still have regrets, and I still wish things had turned out differently.

But if you’re in that same cycle right now, take it from someone who’s been there: you don’t have to keep texting someone to prove that you love them.
Sometimes, the hardest thing you can do is stop reaching out, respect their boundaries, and give both of you the space you haven’t been able to give yourselves.

Not because you stopped caring, and not because you’ve completely given up hope, but because you can’t build your future around a possibility you don’t control. For now, learn from what happened, grow at your own pace, and let the future unfold without trying to force it.

same as title.

Back in February this year, my partner of almost 3 years broke up with me. For me it came out of no where. I just woke up that morning and maybe 15 minutes after waking up it happened. For them this was a long time coming. I was told that we weren't compatible. That we never were. It hurt a lot. There were days where I just cried. I wasn't sure what to do. How do you move on from being ripped out of your safe space? How do you move on when you're no longer able to talk to the person you viewed as your safe space?

With time, it got easier. I slowly started doing things that made me happy and made me feel like myself. I started hanging out with friends that I neglected during my relationship. I didn't realize how much I missed them until I started hanging out with them again. I found new hobbies that I enjoyed. There were times where I wanted to talk to them. To see if I could get them back. But one day I realized that I deserved better. I deserved someone who loved the way I love. That if my ex could just break up with me that easily then it was truly never meant to be. I've slowly forgotten things that I thought I would never forget. Their voice, their laugh, things that made me happy when I was with them. A part of me will love them forever, but I cannot go back to what was. I think a part of me realized something changed before it happened. I just ignored all the signs.

I met someone. I'm not sure if it'll go anywhere or become serious, but this person makes me happy. They make me feel seen. I've never talked to someone who is so communicative. Who will tell me exact times they will be free during the day. I've honestly never been happier than I am now. Not just because I'm talking to someone, but I have my friends back, I'm planning trips with friends and family. I'm going out doing what I want to do without wondering if someone is going to feel ignored. I wish that I could go hug February me. Tell her that it will get better and easier day by day.

This subreddit helped me a lot in the beginning. I would lurk and read what people posted. It made me feel like I wasn't alone in what I was going through. For those who just went through a breakup, who are still grieving the relationship it truly does get better. It takes a lot of work, but it does get better. If you don't know where to start when finding yourself; start small. Find a new hobby. Go on walks. Find a new movie or tv show to watch. I know it feels like everything is falling apart, you just need to find those small things that make you feel normal. You are strong. You will get through this.

I agree with the multiple posts that say, “If they wanted to reach out, they would.” That is 100% true, and even more so if you were the one who got dumped.

However, at the same time, if reaching out is something you genuinely want to do, do it. Not from a position of begging them to come back, but to gain understanding.

I did that (after 2 months of NC), and—surprise—she told me that, on her end, there was nothing left to say, but if I wanted to discuss something further, she was willing to do it.

I took that response as my cue to leave things as they were. That response of hers might have seemed like an open door, but in reality, it just shifted the entire weight of the interaction onto me. Relationships, at the end of the day, are a partnership—and one person cannot carry that load alone. She was already at peace with how things ended.

For me, reaching out and breaking no contact was freeing, because I was able to leave behind hope. Hope that she would reconsider, hope that we could understand each other, hope that we could get back together.

From my perspective, at the tensest moment of our relationship, I was trying my best to understand her, but she just disconnected.

She said things like:

“I don’t know if I see you the same way.”
“I don’t know if I can put in the same effort.”
“If I have to tell you, I don’t want it.”

I was trying so hard to maintain what we had that I completely overextended myself. Tried giving her space, calling her to talk , being more communicative. I was walking on eggshells. In the weeks leading up to the breakup, I could barely sleep or eat. It's worth noting that we were long-distance over the summer, so face-to-face conversations were off the table, which made communication even harder.

I felt blindsided because I thought we were good—then, in the flip of a switch, there was so much turmoil. Our communication styles deeply clashed: I wanted to talk things through to hash them out, while she bottled her feelings until they turned into resentment.

What hurts most is that I truly considered her my person. The one I was going to call home. The one I was going to get down on one knee for and ask to be my wife. The one who was going to be the mother of my children.

Right now, all I feel is empty. That is my reality today, but I know it isn’t permanent. To anyone going through this same kind of pain: you have a powerful opportunity to grow. Learn your limits, figure out what you want out of life, and trust that eventually, someone will come along who is ready and willing to receive everything you have to offer.

I finally found the self respect to block and move on, life will be okay and it’ll get easier ❤️🥰

My boyfriend of five years broke up with me, and just a few hours later, he slept with someone else. A week later, we talked about the possibility of getting back together, but I can’t seem to feel okay about what happened. Is it normal for someone to move on and sleep with someone else so soon after ending a five-year relationship?

Title

Just want to say after a devastating breakup where I was having panic attacks daily for a month, then weekly for months. I’m over it, and happier now than I was before the relationship/during. It was confronting to sit with that pain and anxiety and not numb it. But I think doing so healed abandonment wounds I’ve had since childhood. I wouldn’t have healed if the relationship had worked out. So I’m grateful to get to experience my next relationship from a place of security and inner peace. Happy happy!

Went no contact a month after the breakup - he kept me dangling with potential reconciliation by texting me everyday after the breakup. I never begged and maintained independence. He never knew about how much I was hurting. Then one day I called him and said - it’s done. The uncertainty is not what I need in a partner. I don’t cling and I don’t chase. If he was going to step up and be the man I needed he had plenty of time.

No contact since. And 4 months later I can see now how he was never going to meet me where I needed not because he didn’t want to but because he didn’t have the capacity for the depth of relationship that I want. I’ve since met a man who is meeting me there without making me feel like I’m asking for too much

Y’all just stop thinking about your ex for a few months and zero contact (thoughts and actions) . The pain will pass and you’ll be better for experiencing it.

How can they love someone so much and then be completely over them and in love with someone else three months later?

Hello everyone. I just wanted to share something with you all that I found very comforting when healing from an avoidant who replaced me in days/weeks (who really knows the timeline when they monkey branch).

Being replaced so quickly sends you down a rabbit hole of rumination. You begin to question everything. If they could replace me so quickly, was I even meaningful to them? Was what we had even real or just one sided? Are they using this new person to get over me? If this is how they handle conflict in relationships, were they using me to get over someone else? What was I then? & your whole understanding of that connection & shared reality is completely shattered. It can take so long to ground yourself after something so disorienting.

Over time & many therapy sessions, I have come to understand exactly what this title says: it’s not personal, it’s their pattern. The way this individual connected with me & how they handled our conflict is a reflection of their lived experiences. Their ability to submerge themselves fully into a connection, abruptly discard, & then replace immediately after is a pattern they have created to cope with connection or loss of connection. So as painful as discards from an avoidant are, it is not personal. They would do it to you, they did it to someone in the past, & they will do it again in the future. It’s so clear too. An avoidant is AVOIDING painful work & conversations, but we need that discomfort for healing & growth. Avoidance becomes stagnancy, & that becomes a pattern; because at least THAT cycle is comforting to them & they feel like they have some type of control.

Breaking it down like this helped me a lot to understand how everything played out. Remember that we don’t see things as they are, we see them as WE are. When we’re so jaded by betrayal, anger, or pain it can be difficult to understand the situation from a logical place. For me, moving out of an emotional head space & into a more logical one has worked wonders in moving forward with rebuilding a beautiful life for myself. I know its difficult, but I hope that anyone experiencing pain from being discarded & replaced can detach themselves from the situation enough to see that this is their pattern & it will remain their pattern until they decided to change it, which for many people, will never happen.

Sending lots of love & healing to you all. It really does get better, take it one day at a time 💓

It's been 5 months since the breakup and even though I don't cry everyday the pain is still crazy. Nothing I do makes me happy, along with the depressing fact that my financial situation has taken a serious downturn. I'm not asking for advice.... God knows I've given enough of it. I just needed a place to say I know this won't last forever but it feels like it's already been forever. Anyone else at the 5 month mark?

love hurts time heals

I DON'T need to hear about how the love of your life wouldn't do this to you; how messaging works both ways; how if he wanted to, he would. I don't need any clichés. I don't think that it's a one size fits all with ex's and breaking up.

That said, I (30f) miss him so much and it's only been getting worse. We were together for about a year, he broke up with me roughly 2 1/2 months ago and have been no contact since the beginning of September. It was really blindsided, which he acknowledged, and I didn't do well for a few weeks afterwards.

I was doing better after about 1 1/2 months and thought I was starting to do okay and feel better. But the last 1-2 weeks have been almost as bad as when it first happened, particularly this week. I've been crying again everyday, I'm aching for him, I miss him so much.

I just went for a drive with my dog and just wanted to text him. I still want to. I want to tell him that I miss him so much, that I think of him all the time and that I have so many things I wish he was around for that I could tell him about. I want to tell him that even though I'm the one that initiated no contact, that it hasn't been easy and I still want him in my life all the time. I want to tell him everything and to just pour my heart out to him.

I guess if I think about it, I want to message because I'm hoping that he's changed his mind and wants to be together again because holy fuck do I still want him back. But I don't think that's what he wants because I made it clear that if he ever did want to try again, to reach out to me.

Idk I'm really back and forth. I just need someone to tell me something or to help me with this. I don't know what to do. I don't know if it would be a horrible idea to message anyways

I hate this. This is the worst breakup I've ever endured and I just want to feel better.

I’m not really in the best place right now. At the beginning of the year my fiancé broke up with me. The break up surprised me since everything was going well in our relationship. She was crazy about me and would always refer to me as her soulmate. We were planning our wedding, had our venue payed for, she bought her dress and we were only a few months away from the wedding day. She decided to take a job in another state and was planning on moving back after a year when she becomes able to transfer. I was not able to leave my job or try to transfer location to make the move out of state. I had been promoted and was still in a time frame where I can’t transfer and if I left the company, I would have to pay the company for licenses. Instead of trying long distance she broke off the engagement and canceled the wedding venue. We stayed in touch, texting and calling each other and playing video games for a few months. Her new job and lower pay were making her stressed and I tried what I could to make her happy and put a smile on her face. Out of nowhere she blew up on me one day and ended up blocking me everywhere. We haven't spoken in 6 months and I haven't stopped thinking about her. I go to work and I chat with friends. I’ve tried dating again but don’t really want to start over again. No matter how much I try to forget about her, I just can't. I can't imagine my life without her. The one person I want to tell anything and everything to and I can't. I feel so mentally drained each day.

My ex (27F) and I (25F) broke up almost 2 months ago, still loved each other, but had a lot of hurt and unresolved issues. I’m trying to take accountability for my part in what happened and work on myself, regardless of whether we ever get back together. And I’m taking care of myself and am in a better place.

It was mutual at first but she didn’t want to get back together because she needs space. We want to be amicable cause there’s a high chance of running into each other. And she hasn’t ruled out reconnecting in the future, but she’s also not actively pursuing that right now.

I’m respecting her boundaries and not putting my life on hold, but I still care about her and would be open to reconciliation if we both wanted it and things could be healthier.

My two fears:
(1) holding onto hope and becoming delusional

(2) letting go so completely that I somehow close the door on a future possibility - if I dated someone else reconnecting would be off the table

I don’t want to spend my life waiting for someone who may never come back, but I also don’t want to force myself to stop caring or convince myself there’s absolutely no chance when that’s not what she’s communicated.

How did you find a balance between accepting the breakup and remaining open to reconciliation? did letting go of the outcome actually help you, regardless of whether reconciliation eventually happened?

My girlfriend broke up with me a week ago (we’re both seniors in college) because she got this overwhelming sinking feeling in her stomach that we wouldn’t be compatible long term because of our fundamental differences and she said she felt “off about us”. She said she didn’t want to ignore it because it wouldn’t be fair to either of us. Well we talked further and those “fundamental” differences are just things we never talked about so I was never even given the chance to grow

Her and I texted very briefly over the last week (maybe 5 messages back and forth total) but they were essays. In those essays she said she would like us to take time to gather our thoughts and have a mature conversation and said “while I’m not saying I want to try again right now, I think it’ll be a good opportunity to hear each other out and potentially get some closure”. She also said that she loved me more and misses me and that she’s extremely unhappy about how things are between us. She also kept saying she wishes she didn’t felt like this and that she still loves me.

I can’t tell what’s going through her find because it feels so final, but that “right now” feels intentional to include in the text, almost like she’s willing to hear me out. It also hurts more for her to be speaking like she was the one that got broken up with. I don’t know what to do or how to feel. I’m taking this time to confront the things I didn’t before in our relationship and hope that me starting to change and grow is enough for her to want to try again.

And no I have nothing to say to you , I’ll stick to my promise of never talking to you again as you wished

So we broke up again 4 mlmths ago and this time around I ended things. For the past 2 months I've been spiralling and over the last weeks I've been having recurring thoughts about our relationship, and mostly sex.

I know she wasn't good for me and our relationship was bad but im sl scared shell find someone and i wont now. Shes blocked me last week and yesterday i saw a Pic of her smiling now

And it brought me to tears again. Im just so scared of the future

My breakup seems to be one that I just cannot quite get over. He’s moved on and all of my friends who were stuck on their exes all got into new relationships and have moved on as well. I don’t want to date, I don’t want to be involved with anyone romantically but at this point if that’s what I have to do to ease this pain then I’ll just give it a chance. Has anyone truly ever moved on without getting someone new?

Have you ever dated someone that you couldnt form a strong opinion on after a break up? So boom, I’m a 26(F) and I was dating a 26(M) for a yr. we broke up some months ago. I had convinced myself that we were supposed to be end game, I’m sad to say we were not lol.

I felt like I did everything to keep our relationship up, I maintained open communication, active listening, I tried to stay patient, I was intentional and I invested in him. He did the same (so I thought). Now before I continue the story and seem like a complete idiot, he was very convincing about his feelings and his actions(taking me on dates, emotionally opening up, investing in me, helping me create schedules because I have adhd, etc.)

We have had plenty of conversations about being open and honest, we had gotten into a few arguments about being officially together(as in him officially asking me) he would tell everyone we were boyfriend and girlfriend but never officially asked me and stated that he wanted to make it grand. We had been getting into some disagreements about him always seeming confused about what he wanted We had been planning on going on a trip. I told him that we shouldn’t go together if our communication was already breaking down he disagreed stating that he really wanted me to go and didn’t have any intentions on breaking up or leaving.

We went on a trip(that he paid for everything) and when we got back he broke up with me. On this trip we got into an argument because he was maintaining contact with a woman that he had talked to before me because she wanted to stay friends AFTER HE SAID he had a girl. Mind you I had already told him that it bothered me that he liked to make friends of ppl he used to talk to. I proceeded to start talking to my ex which angered him… I told him that it was very hypocritical because he was doing the same thing even though I continuously talked to him about his lack of boundaries.

He kept saying that he wasn’t sure about me and I told him if he wasn’t sure then we shouldn’t be together. This is where I will say I’m stupid WE STAYED IN CONTACT. He stated that he didn’t want to lose me so my dumb ass thinking that he may change his mind… I stayed. (Mind you he’s still taking me on dates, still hanging out, even buying me a laptop because that’s what I said I wanted for my bday) Anywhoooo I guess I thought he would come to his senses because he never really had an explanation of why he wanted to break up… Plus he said how he could see a future with us Ofcc So idk ig I thought we would make it over this slump but now I know we don’t. So I just want to cut ties and leave it but he wants to stay “friends” even though he himself stated that he still has feelings for me???? Of course I won’t (even though a part of me wants to) but how does this even make sense????
There’s way more to the story than this but this sums it up

I finally free, the burden of the break has finally fizzled away. Of course I still think of her and there’s times where I miss her touch and I miss the scent of her perfume. But with all that I can finally say that I now don’t need her to make myself happy.

I know this Subreddit can be sad and I definitely joined this subreddit as a sad man looking for guidance after getting dumped. There’s a guy on here by the name of FireE_33 he gave me this huge essay about his experience of going through what I’m going through and how to go about it. His advice changed my way of thinking when it came to being single and no longer having her by my side. It helped me a lot and I like to thank them for being able to be so vulnerable and honest to someone that felt so insecure at the time.

When it comes to it getting over someone doesn’t mean you have to find someone new. It doesn’t mean you have to pretend you never met them. It just means to accept what had happened and to move one with your life. To move on so much that you find another thing that brings you the same amount of joy that they once did.

After everything I started volunteering for things at my school, and I start participating in a lot of event. I started taking my grades seriously and I’m finally make connections with people I had always admired.

This isn’t something that only a select few can do. Anyone and everyone can do this. This is something that you can achieve with enough time. And you don’t have to rush it and it’s okay if you still feel a bit overwhelmed or sad over them. But to quote FireE_33

“Pour the love that has nowhere to go into yourself”

I just wanted to make this post to say how much I appreciate this subreddit and how much it’s truly helped me. Of course I’m not over her but I can say I’m okay with not being with her.

Has anyone ever gotten broke up with after being with someone for around 2 years over little things, then a few months after slept with someone else while broken up non exclusive with ex, then 6 months later able to rekindle relationship with ex and have it work and grow together without resentment? Once you sleep with someone else is that previous relationship over for good? Really need advice or input thank you!

My ex is getting married in 25 days and I am feeling this strange urge in my chest to call him once even though I know I shouldn't, because we never got a chance to say goodbye because of families as I tried to contact him when things messed up between the families and he never answered and then he tried to contact me so many times through so many resources. Just needed some advice how can I get out of this emotion, if not..is it okay to just call him once to wish him good only!!!